The Bachelorette Episode 2: Deep, Dark Secrets

Now that the first cocktail party is done, we can move onto the date portion of the show. Batman is still wearing his costume. He's also drinking coffee with the guys. Wearing a mask seems even more awkward while drinking your morning coffee. Do you think he walks his dog with a mask on?

1st One-on-One Date: Cell Phone Bill

Cell Phone Bill got the first date to Vegas. Cell Phone Bill and Ashley drive their Maserati over to the private Concorde jet. They both agree that they like driving. The conversation could be going better.

Back at the house, El Douche calls out Batman for wearing the mask. El Douche, using his Ivy League IQ, points out that a white mask would make more sense in 90 degree weather.

Cut back to Vegas. The date continues with wedding cake tasting. I figured they were probably headed next to an adoption agency after a quick marriage counseling session. After trying on engagement rings and heading to the Chapel, Cell Phone Bill got really nervous/hopeful that it might be a real wedding. The bad news for Cell Phone is that Fleiss and Co. would never make a mock wedding with a contestant that actually has a chance.

To cap off the date, Cell Phone Bill and Ashley ate a private dinner on the water of the Bellagio. Cell Phone Bill states that he isn't a lawyer and doesn't save lives, but he does "bring communication to people." That's a glass is half full attitude. Way to sell it Bill.

Cell Phone Bill got a rose after revealing his dad's alcohol-related death. From a strategic standpoint, he played that card too early. Am I going to hell for saying that?

Group Date: Greek Groban, Ryan, Chicago Chris, Winemaker Ben, Nick, Bentley, Lucas Oil, Hairdresser Stephen, Dunder-Mifflin Matt, Dentist Blake, West and El Douche

The first group date started off with Ashley in a midriff shirt. I guess we better get used to that look.

I was pretty excited to see the Jabbawockeez. So were the guys. They were so excited that they missed Ashley's covert exit. She got on stage and really didn't dance much. Is she actually a dancer or are Fleiss and Co. forcing that on us too?

Ashley divided the guys into two groups. They had to do a dance off to win more time with Ashley. The guys seem to think that if they keep repeating the phrase "I don't want to go back to LA," they can will themselves to win. That worked for Dorothy, but it won't work for these clowns.

Team Arrogant, featuring West and Bentley, won the opportunity to dance more and wear wetsuits in front of thousands of people in Vegas. Given the choice, I'd prefer dinner on the Bellagio water.


West, the attorney, jumped the gun and revealed that his wife died under mysterious circumstances. West did not reveal the details of her drowning. This seems increasingly mysterious. Am I going to hell for saying this?

Bentley, channeling Wes/CEMII, said that he just wants Ashley to "tickle his pickle." They bleeped out pickle. The CEO of Vlasic has already fired off an angry email to Chris Harrison.



On second thought, pickles probably should be bleeped after seeing the above picture.

2nd One-on-One: Coin Flip Goes to Kissie Mickey

The final date was decided by a coin flip. The coin had Kissie Mickey's face on one side and Cupcake's face on the other. HOW DO I GET A COIN WITH LIZ'S FACE ON IT??? (Don't tell her I asked...maybe I'll get it for her for her 28th birthday in a couple months.)

They took the coin flip theme to the Nth degree by flipping a coin for what conversations to have, what wine to drink, and which foot to put forward first.

Once again, a contestant plays the intimate detail card very early, as Kissie Mickey says his mother passed away. He'll get a rose for it, but he better not bring it up again. Am I going to hell for saying that?

After Kissie got the rose, Colbie Caillat peformed a private show for them. Kissie seemed way too excited. It might have been a lot cooler if I didn't know that Caillat had performed at happy hour at a famous Cupertino-based company last week. It rhymes with Snapple.

Rose Ceremony

Cell Phone Bill, feeling quite overconfident with a rose and a bad George Bush impression, made the cardinal sin of stealing rose ceremony time while already having a rose. Cell Phone Bill just put the proverbial target on his back.


Batman took his turn at the big reveal. The Caped Crusader revealed that he is divorced, has seizures, and was cheated on. As Batman was ready to take the mask off, some random named Matt swooped in and interrupted. Batman owes Matt because Fleiss and Co. will now have to keep Batman around another week.

Bentley complicated things by saying that he would rather "swim in pee" than be with Ashley. Is this what he meant?




The remaining roses went to West, Greek Groban, Solar Ryan, LL Ben, Nick, El Douche, Lucas Oil, Cupcake, Chicago Chris, Winemaker Ben, and Dentist Blake.

Goodbyes are in order to the Hairdresser, Dunder Mifflin Matt, and the other Ryan.

Until next week, when Ashley continues to be confident that her husband is in this room.