The Bachelor: Sonoma Ben's Final Vintage

Well this finale started off with quite the teaser. Harrison said this will be the most "controversial finale in Bachelor history." How could it be more controversial than Brad picking neither girl? Or Mesnick pulling a switcheroo and choosing the other girl? Maybe he'll do a sweep kick on the loser?

I've done a little research to find out how people around the country are celebrating.

Looks like they're drinking wine in Michigan:

;

It's all about the final rose caramel brownies in Florida:

Ben's sister, Sonoma Benjamina, and his Mom flew to Switzerland to meet the ladies. Seabiscuit was up first. After seeing Ben's sister, Ben's severely parted hair makes more sense. The Flajniks are a family of center parts. Never forget the early 90s!!!

Seabiscuit stumbled out of the gate when she had to talk to humans and not horses. Around the first turn, she continued to falter by talking trash about House B to Benjamina. Seabiscuit was strong down the stretch when Benjamina took the HB gossip well.

Courtney arrived at the Chateau Flajnik to meet the family. Benjamina and Mom were not thrilled to meet a model. Apparently "model" is a bad word. Benjamina confronted HB about how she did not get along well with the other girls. HB, proving that models might be as boring as advertised, had very little to say.

Benjamina, showing she is not a good judge of character, said that she was "shocked" and "blown away" by how great HB is. Watching the whole season must have been a tough ego blow to her character judgment skills.

Last Date #1: Seabiscuit Linzieysz

Ben and Biscuit took a horse-drawn carriage through Zermatt for their date. Why are they called horse "drawn" and not horse "pulled?" I'll bet the Biscuit knows the answer. Could someone ask Jeeves for me?

While on a gondola trip up to see the Matterhorn Yeti, Ben told the Biscuit that he could see a life with her, "having kids in Florida." That's a pretty jacked-up thing to say to someone he's likely going to reject in about an 1 1/2 hours (TV time).

Can we please take a moment of silence for all the awkward moments of silence on this date?

Now that we're talking again, we get to hear more wisdom from the Biscuit. She says that "hindsight is weird." Some say it's also 20/20, but what do I know, I'm just a Bachelor blogger.

This date is so boring. When do we get to see Neil Lane!?

Last Date #2: House B Courtney

House B started off the date by saying that Ben has a lot of "depth." Ben's about as deep as the shallow end. Like how I did that? Get it? The shallow end, at least at my Grandma's pool, was not very deep. Like Ben.

Ben and House B took a helicopter up to a lake on the top of the Matterhorn for a picnic. HB proclaimed, "this is what I've been waiting for." What luck! Good thing she wasn't waiting all this time to take a submarine to the bottom of the Red Sea for brunch.

House B got Ben a gift. It looked like it was going to be a Blakeley-esque scrapbook. Turned out it was just a crapbook. It was three pictures of their dates with the caption, "I love you." She also read Ben a love note that sounded like Fleiss and Co. wrote it for her. I keep telling people that the love on this show is real, but I might be starting to doubt myself. Like Santa Claus, I just want to believe.

Neil Lane

"Hi, I'm Neil Lane." NO CRAP YOU'RE NEIL LANE. We've waited all season for this. You don't need to introduce yourself, buddy. Neil Lane's got princess cuts, baguettes, and firm handshakes.

With Neil Lane's blessing, how could anything go wrong?

Controversy

Harrison promised us that this would be the most controversial finale ever. It's official. Both of the ladies wore capes for the final rose. Who wears capes? In my book, that seems controversial. I expect everyone will be talking about those capes tomorrow.

First Out of the Helicopter - Seabiscuit

It's always a bad omen to be the first one out of the helicopter. Tonight was no different. After giving an uncomfortable speech about how much she's in love, Ben sent the Biscuit packing.

In what will surely become a legendary Bachelor line, the Biscuit said, "if things don't work out, call me."

Second Out of the Helicopter - House B

It's always a good omen to be the second person out of the helicopter (especially after the first person gets rejected). Though it seemed like Ben was going to pull a Womack and reject House B also, he turned it around and proposed to House B.

So I guess the controversy was just that he picked HB? That seems pretty weak Harrison!

After the Final Rose Highlights

• Chris Harrison really excels at moments like this. He's a true "Final Rose/Tell All" professional.
• Ben loves House B, but not the House B he saw on TV.
• Ben swears he hasn't cheated on HB (the pictures are old).
• I can't believe I'm still awake watching this show.
• Ben abandoned HB when she needed him.
• HB "thinks" they're still together.
• It's complicated.
• HB can't trust Ben completely (prediction: this isn't going to last).
• I'm fading fast. Save me Harrison.
• Crying, crying, more crying.
• No ring on HB's finger, but Harrison is there WITH THE RING - - - and Ben follows through with a re-proposal.
• The Dental Student and JP were there, as annoying as ever.
• With great relief, this season is over!

Sonoma Ben: Women Tell All

Our friend Chris Harrison begins the night previewing the action including the bombshell appearance by HB Courtney! The crowd's reaction to HB's presence was probably my favorite moment of the night (please continue reading, though). It was straight out of a Ronco Informercial.

Let's Catch up with Favorites from Past Seasons

• Ed is no longer with Gillian but is with many other bachelorettes
• Ryan P. (dental student's season) is still a douche
• Ali is back on the market
• Frank is not, but doesn't mind Ali chasing him
• Wait? Is this whole segment just a preview for Bachelor Pad 3 (yes it is).
• Breakdancing Mike* (WWT Hall of Famer) wants Jenna Blogger on BP3. (why?)

Let's talk to the ladies from Ben's season

• Blakeley "didn't come to make friends." We all know that. She came to wear onesies. Once she ran out, she was cut.
• There were lots of clips calling Blakeley a stripper and the girls complaining that Blakeley didn't come to be their friends which led to this great quote from B: "I can't be friends with you because I am so mature." Fact. Deal with it.
• Brittney left because she wasn't attracted to Ben. The Dugans' friends that watch the Bachelor with us have come to agree with Brittney during the course of the season.
• Shawntel came back and received a bunch of apologies. I didn't understand why because I didn't see the episode. There was a great line calling Shawntel "Brad's Dumpster Trash." "Oops," later overheard by the future "Ben's Dumpster Trash."
• Samantha got the first, middle and last word on every topic. No one remembers her.

During the entire WTA episode, Mrs. Dugan is complaining about not being able to see (don't worry, resolved later in the blog.)

Rapping Emily

They talk to Emily about her run on the show, her rapping, her feelings for Ben and his skinny-dipping with HB. OH DAMN IT. We had a blond rapper named Emily on the show? Way too late, but she should have been: Eminemily.

Nicki Top 3

• Is she the next Bachelorette?
• Will she go back to Texas and find Brad?
• Should she have been kept to make for any suspense in the finale? Uhh....Yes.

Kacie B.

• The Ronco crowd was crying for/with her. Gag.
• Still shocked she was sent home.
• Boring.
• She's 24 and they are acting like she is an old maid who will never find love. I don't think this show is good for women. Especially pretty ones with low self esteem.

When are we getting to WWT favorite Jenna Blogger and the awkward turtle kissing nurse, Jamie? Never, apparently . . . on to HB. But Mrs. Dugan finally can see: "Oh my god. I'm a moron." Mrs. Dugan had not taken both her contacts out before donning glasses for the show. 

HB Courtney

• The women call her "liar," "vapid," "manipulative," "in it to win it," "mean," "not real," and "split personality."
• Dugan's response: "WINNING!"
• Casey defends her. Who didn't see that coming?
• Mrs. Dugan wanted Courtney to come out with an engagement ring on. Good call.
• This appearance is all about damage control because she obviously wins and is obviously not still with Ben.
• "I cared for him." Oops. Spoiler alert.

Ben comes out

• Not like that.
• I am sick of him. 
• Until next week and the final rose.