We begin the episode with Chris Harrison (hopefully not wearing a shirt from his new collection) giving the ladies a recap of where they stand. The dirty dozen is gone and the fine fifteen remain. There will be three dates, two one-on-ones and a group date.
Cassandra and El Papa play One-on-One
For those keeping up with this season's backstories, 8 Mile is a former NBA Dancer turned professional mom after having a child with Rodney Stuckey. Basically, we know Cassandra can't end up with a ring because no one is messing with child support from a father making 8 million/year in the NBA. I do not practice family law and this blog does not constitute legal advice. The date began with a drive in an odd looking jeep which eventually turned into an odder looking boat.
Overall, a pretty mellow date did serve up the quote of the night. After picking up 8 Mile Cassandra in the amphibuous jeep, 8 Mile dropped this gem: "I really saw him in his element"
Driving from land to sea in an amphibuous vehicle is his element? Get the fuck out of here. In a move guaranteed to bring about the wrath of Mrs. Dugan, 8 Mile plugged her nose when jumping from the yacht into the water.
In a huge upset, El Papa is able to look past the nose plug dive and gives the hot cheerleader a rose. Is this the largest age discrepancy on a date in Bachelor/ette history? He's not a young looking 32 and she's not an old looking 21? Was anyone else uncomfortable at times?
House Drama with the Yule Log Hottie
Yeah, you read that right. I was going to name Teacher Elise "Dr. Jekyll" because I have found her ability to swing from attractive to unattractive incredible. This was going to work out until blog co-author informed me that Teacher Elise was in the strangest video that exists on the internet. Read those last 7 words again...strangest video that exists on the internet. Anyways, in it, Teacher Elise plays a Yule Log Hottie and a hat tip to Reality Steve for the find.
The Yule Log Hottie (YLH) provided a solid portion of the night's drama, mostly her constant belittling of Science Teacher Chelsie's maturity: "I don't know if another daughter is what he wants." While the YLH is only 27, that's not only a solid 3 years older than Chelsie, but she also matured during the Yule Log Hottie shoot.
LA Galaxy Group Date
Dog Lover, Mama, Pavarotti, Danielle, Nanny Ally, Mozart, Abbie Carmichael, Unknown Blond Girl, Happy Camper and Nurse Nikki join El Papa on the pitch. Pavarotti was predictably terrible.
Outside of very poor play, the most important event was Pavarotti taking a shot in the face. Rob Riggle does it best.
Other date highlights
- They didn't use goalies...
- Nanny Alli was Pele out there
- No interviews for Danielle
- El Papa is used to getting empty stadiums for himself as he regularly attends Marlins games.
Later in the Evening...
- Nurse Nikki is scared of getting hurt
- You could say Andi and Juan Pablo ordered a kiss at the concession stand. BOOM. Pun time, baby.
- Danielle speaks for the first time. I was adopted "when I was two days old."
- Is it odd she mentioned when she was adopted?
- Would it matter if she was adopted at 1 day or 1 month or am I missing something entirely?
- El Papa is still intrigued with Pavarotti
- Abbie Carmichael is not a happy camper that Pavarotti got her sloppy seconds. Hey...happy camper? Where were you?
- Nurse Nikki doesn't snag a kiss but gets the rose.
Chelsie Lastly
Chelsie gets the final one-on-one, much to YLH's surprise, and must trust El Papa. I think its a pretty dick move, but he built trust on the back of an amazing food, arepas. If you have not had Arepas, please do.
This is the early episode in every season that involves a heights challenge as a metaphor for life. LIFE IS HARDER THAN TANDEM BUNGEE JUMPING. Beyond that, Chelsie secures the rose at the Pasadena City Hall and gets to enjoy a country singer I don't know sing a song I don't know (neither of these facts are surprising).
Chelsie does say she would like to grab the rose on the table and give it to El Papa. This is a new, bold move that I fully support.. Just grab the rose and offer it to the Bachelor/ette.
Let's google this Billy Currington fellow to learn more about him...
Oh shit.
Maybe it's ok. I said he's a country singer. Maybe it will help him with street cred like Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, George Jones, Randy Travis, etc etc etc.
Oh fuck, it was for elder abuse.
Breakfast, Pool Party and a Rose Ceremony
- Juan Pablo comes over to make more Arepas. Ernie says, "Let's Play Two, arepas"
- The girls either didn't like Kat or were jealous of her in the bathing suit. Couldn't be certain.
- Vidal Sassoon explained her issue was not jealousy with details that sounded a lot like jealousy
- Pavarotti is judgmental of Kat and must have amnesia from the soccer field makeout session
Rose Ceremony with 8 Mile, Nurse Nikki and Science Chelsie Safe
- Abbie Carmichael
- Mama Renee
- Dog Lover (really?)
- Pavarotti
- Yule Log Hottie
- Kat
- Nanny Alli
- Vidal Sassoon
- Mozart
- Danielle
Happy Camper and Unknown Blond Chick go home. Until next week when Wags takes us from LA to the world.
Posts
Legalites, why doesn't child support law have some sort of "you gotta try" clause like “mitigating” clauses in employment contracts? You know like when Mike Montgomery couldn't just pass on the Cal job because he was still owed money from the dubs. Shouldn't she have to try beyond a reasonable doubt to find love with Juan Pablo... I'll be tracking this closely and rule on the issue when the all of the facts have been presented to the court.
ReplyDelete-Dugan - whether El Papa marries 8 Mile with have no effect on her ability to cash in on her NBA love child (whom she must love so much that she has left him/her for months to go on tv)*****
ReplyDelete-Yule Log Hottie - what the F did I just watch ???!!!?!?!? and isn't she the same broad who didn't want to pose "naked" for the charity calendar?
-Small moment that I really enjoyed from last night - the discussion over whether El Papa and Pavarotti were french or "bridge" (I think that what was said) kissing. Oh, and someone literally used literally properly - could have been a Bachelore/ette first time.
****Not legal advice, only licensed in Ohio, NJ, and NY
What a post. Beautiful work with Microsoft Paint. I'm pretty sure we're the last two people on Earth doing anything with Paint.
ReplyDeleteA few comments:
1) I totally didn't realize I had similar feelings until Mrs. Dugan mentioned it, but I COMPLETELY agree that a nose-plug dive is annoying. Mrs. Wags pointed out that it seems like something that someone would do if he or she learned to swim at age 20.
2) On the other hand, I LOVE amphibious vehicles. I checked online. The base model is $75,000. A base model Tesla is basically the same price. I'll take the Water Jeep. It will also help me prepare for any future zombie invasion. Everyone knows zombies can't swim.
3) My life is different now that I've seen the Yule Log Hottie video. I don't know how it will affect me going forward, but I know I can never go back.
4) I have to admit, El Papa seems like he might be pretty good at soccer.
5) Danielle's adoption story was very strange. I think it effectively confused El Papa into giving her the final rose of the night.
6) This Dog Lover thing is getting out of hand. I demand that Fleiss and Co. give us an explanation. It's funny that no one mentions it. It's like the dog isn't even there. It doesn't even seem like the Dog Lover is all that interested in the dog. I once again predict that there will be a service-animal sob story in the near future.
7) Arepas are pretty incredible. I had one during the 4th quarter of the national championship game that we went to (Roll Tide). It was easily the highlight of the game for me, and it probably wasn't even that high quality of an arepa.
8) Elder abuse...yikes! Do a background check ABC! Or at least a google search.
9) I'm really sad that Unknown Blond Chick went home. It was getting laughable how little we knew about her.