The Bachelorette:Doublemint Edition

This season we have double the Bachelorettes and half the viewers. ZING! You want to know why Farmer Chris’ debut was so much better than the Britt/Kaitlyn mash up? Three words and one very important distinction. THE ALBINO RHINO. I think he should provide a cameo in every premiere episode. It could be the Bachelor/ette’s version of Jay Thomas visiting Letterman for Christmas. Having said that, let’s stroll down memory lane and remember how we got here. Farmer Chris cut both actress Britt and comedienne Kaitlyn. We have a first with two women competing for the role of Bachelorette. Fleiss & Co. have been working with Britt and Kaitlyn to perfect their roles. The serious and sincere actress v. the laid back jokester. It’s difficult typing “sincere” as an adjective for Britt, but she read her lines so well.

Here’s a run-down with links to additional information for this season’s contestants. Much like your bloggers, they span the country from California to Florida, as well as from Texas to Canada and range in age from 25 to 35.

Ben H., 26, a software salesman from Denver, CO

Ben Z., 26, an entrepreneur from San Jose, CA

Bradley, 25, an international auto shipper from Atlanta, GA

Brady, 33, a singer-songwriter from Nashville, TN

Chris, 28, a dentist from Nashville, TN

Clint, 27, an architectural engineer from Chicago, IL

Corey, 30, an investment banker from New York, NY

Cory, 35, a residential developer from Pearland, TX

Daniel, 28, a fashion designer from Nashville, TN

David, 28, a real estate agent from Orlando, FL

Ian, 28, an executive recruiter from Los Angeles, CA

Jared, 26, a restaurant manager from Warwick, RI

JJ, 32, a former investment banker from Denver, CO

Joe, 28, an insurance agent from Columbia, KY

Jonathan, 33, an automotive spokesman, Detroit, MI

Josh, 27, a laws student and exotic dancer, Chicago, IL

Joshua, 31, an industrial welder from Kuna, ID

Justin, 28, a fitness trainer from Naperville, IL

Kupah, 32, an entrepreneur from Boston, MA

Ryan B., 32, a realtor from Wellington, FL

Ryan M, 28, a junkyard specialist from Kansas City, MO (Don’t get too attached here)

Shawn B., 28, a personal trainer from Windsor Locks, CT

Shawn E., 31, an amateur sex coach from Ontario, Canada

Tanner, 28, an auto finance manager from Kansas City, MO

Tony, 35, a healer from St. Louis, MO

We get a sneak peak of some of the guys in their home towns and here are the highlights:

• Jonathan has a 5 yr old son named after an American Gladiator (“Sky”) and enjoys winter sports.
• Later, we find another contestant named a kid after an American Gladiator: Aurelius. Well done.
• Joe, aka American Pharaoh, is from Kentucky and loves horses. I was on the fence with the American Pharaoh nickname then his hair matched the pharaoh and it became too easy.  

• Josh, aka Magic Josh, is a law school graduate who moonlights as a male stripper.
• Brady is a former big leaguer who sings about his glory days as a Nashville singer
• Idaho Welder Joshua brings an early favorite for Quote of the Night (hereinafter “QOTN”) “Love and welding have a lot in common”
• Hit n Run Ian is a Princeton man and a former track athlete who hasn't let the serious accident slow him down
• Jared, aka Chris Quinn, is a Warwick, Rhode Island restaurant manager. Just for kicks, I looked up restaurants in Warwick, Rhode Island via TripAdvisor. Yes, that is both Longhorn Steakhouse and Texas Roadhouse in the top 10.  
• Oh, you are confused by the Chris Quinn nickname? No longer…

• Tony, aka The Dude, abides

• Trainer Ben from San Jose misses his mom and wants a wife.

Let's move on and meet the rest of the men as they entered the show. As discussed on previous premiere episodes, this is late and all nicknames are to be considered in production and always subject to change should a better or funnier option present itself. We welcome suggestions in the comments.

Limo 1.

• Ben, aka Role Model, is a software salesman from Colorado who sponsors children. I don’t know what that means?
• He also later sets himself apart by asking Kaitlyn about her tattoos. Kaitlyn informed the viewers that Chris never asked about her tattoos. (Ok, I find that very interesting. I feel like I could do an entire blog entry about Chris’ failure to ask Kaitlyn about her tattoos but I digress…)

• Jonathan comes out of the limo and basically ignores Kaitlyn
• Clint, aka Thor, is an Archie Engineer from Chicago
• First impressions? Meh. But when he later gives Kaitlyn a framed picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops? FAVORITE!
• Realtor Ryan calls Britt a Disney Princess
• Chris Quinn continues the parade of early men interested in Britt over Kaitlyn.
• Kupah – aka King Koopa, continues the Britt Love as Kaitlyn begins to wonder if the deck is stacked against her.

Limo 2

• Singer Brady also prefers Britt
• Cory, a Residential Developer from Texas, switched things up and prefers Kaitlyn
• Hit n Run Ian also prefers Kaitlyn
• JJ immediately annoys Mrs. Dugan and I by listing his occupation as “former investment banker”. Are you retired? Unemployed? What is your current occupation? I’m a former bond hall computer consultant but I don’t list that on business cards today.
• He does win over Kaitlyn’s heart with a joke right up her alley…“I would love to puck you”
• Ryan, aka The Junkyard Dog, is going to be our comet this season. Burn bright, Junkyard Dog, as you will not last long.
• Brad, the international car shipper, made a tennis “love” joke and you know Dugan loves corny.
• Daniel dances like Elaine Benes and is in the fashion industry
• Magic Josh shows his skills and Kaitlyn is not impressed: “Britt, you can have him”
• American Pharaoh brings Moonshine and Kaitlyn obliges. The Dude approves.
• Justin brings Helium Balloons for Kaitlyn and Britt is starting to get annoyed at the lack of gifts.
• Tanner is a dog’s name but also the name of a 28 yr old Auto Finance Manager who brought Britt tissues
• Shawn B, is a personal trainer who asks for a group hug. I have considered Menage a Shawn or The Ugly Gosling which mixes Ugly Duckling with Ugly Gosling. Works on multiple levels. Wheels within Wheels. Let us know.

Limo 3

• David, an Orlando Real Estate Agent prefers Kaitlyn
• Corey, an Investment Banker/volleyball player from NY also heads Kaitlyn’s way first
• Healer Tony, The Dude, lets both women know that “the universe provides”
• The Dude also had a black eye which received no explanation.

The Junkyard Dog gets “white-boy wasted” according to King Koopa and here are the highlights lowlights

• He explains to the group of men, women and staffers that he’s “Horned up”
• Drinks fireball on the rocks
• “I’m sorry I’m so awesome”
• He wants to date both
• “I WILL APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING!”
• Drops some Champ Kind Anchorman quotes
• Goes swimming
• Knocks a picture off the wall
• Lunges at Britt
• Grabs Kaitlyn’s butt
• When confronted by the amateur sex coach, responds “You do suck, by the way”
• Fights with the former investment banker JJ
• Gets kicked off the show.

Let’s wrap up and meet the final few guys

• The Amateur Sex Coach (What, that’s a profession?) arrives in a hot tub car
• Dentist Chris, is a Mad Men Dr. Harris doppelgänger, and shows up in a cupcake car
• Welder Joshua from Idaho shows up
• Ben the fitness coach pops on in

The ladies share a few final words with the men. Kaitlyn’s joke falls flat and Britt said she wants an “adventure partner.” I want to know how many times Britt practiced that line. I actually think Juan Pablo may have treated the Bachelor/ette more seriously than Britt. She is the biggest joke ever. However, these guys are dumb enough to fall for her acting and she could leave a lot of men in her wake.

I’ll leave you with this gem from the Junkyard Dog who will be dearly missed.

“If you could be any superhero, which one would you be?” “Wolverine. He is awesome-looking, ripped, has attitude, and doesn't take any crap”

Until next week, friends.