Twice as Nice

This week's Bachelorette was so good that it warrants two separate posts. Here's the witty opinions of our fair Floridian friend Dugan:



Last week, I lamented the fact that it was an unexciting episode. However, ABC pulled a Lloyd Your browser may not support display of this image.

And totally redeemed themselves. This week’s episode had it all. I don’t even know where to begin. It contained at least 3 quotes that I would argue belong in the top 10 all time. I’ll begin chronologically and let’s take it from there. As the train took off east thru Canada from Whistler and passed a modest lake, one of the men asked if it was a lake or ocean. Canada is known for its landlocked oceans. And so the dates begin.

No job Rob got the first one-on-one. Jillian gave a foreboding comment when she explained that Robby made her feel 5 to 10 years younger. Jillian fired away with questions about his maturity, job possibilities, where he could live and overall readiness. And Rob provided the first top ten quote of the night and a perfect Bachelor/Bachelorette answer: “Love doesn’t have a job.” Incredible. This quote didn’t coming from a 15 year old fighting with her parents about a deadbeat boyfriend. It came from a man trying to prove he is mature enough to win a dating show on national television – this is serious stuff. NJR is a car wreck. We can’t stop watching, though, and it gets better.

Everyone knows why the train is slowing down. NJR is getting the boot. ABC’s taking it a step further than the Sasha bus goodbye. The first ever train boot. Everyone knows but Rob. Well, Old Yeller, it’s time.

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Rob finally notices the train: “Why are we slowing down???” They should have just put him down at that moment instead of letting him suffer any longer. Micheal’s tears were touching. Everyone knows why Michael was crying – NJR was cut because he was young and immature…you could almost see the Grim Reaper behind Michael in every scene for the rest of the episode.

Wes is an asshole. But the show’s editors sure know how to splice some interviews. Wes admits he has a “hidden agenda” on the show, his singing career. Cut to Jillian: “Wes makes me feel safe, happy.” She explains to Wes that it’s so difficult on her because she thought there would be “more jerks.” Ummmm….HELLO? But contrary to what you may believe, Wes is not the most dangerous man on the show. Jake has been hard to figure out since the beginning. Until Mrs. Dugan pointed out the obvious.

There is an idea of a Jake; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real Jake: only an entity, something illusory. And though Jake can hide his cold gaze, and Jillian can shake his hand and feel flesh gripping hers and maybe she can even sense their lifestyles are probably comparable...Jake simply is not there.

Still don’t get who Jake is?

Jake lives in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. His name is Jake. He’s 27 years old. He believes in taking care of himself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if his face is a little puffy he'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. He can do 1000 now.

Still no? Well, let’s just say that if Jillian went on the hometown date and Jake pulled out any Phil Collins, Huey Lewis or Whitney Houston – she would be in big fucking trouble.

Luckily, Jake sunk his own battleship. Another classic quote from Jake to Jillian: “You’re a lot like my mom. So nurturing.” Oh yeah…just what girls want to hear. Later, in an interview, Jake explains that even though Jillian and all other girls think he is an “ultra safe guy,” he has a “whole other side.” I want all readers to know that Mrs. Dugan pointed out who Jake was BEFORE this comment. After Jake readily admitted his need to engage in homicidal behavior on a massive scale, we made eye contact and prayed that Jillian would be safe.

Let’s move on to less psychotic things. The guys turned on Reid once their old punching bag Robbie was left in the Canada wilderness to be mauled by bears. They said he was annoying and neurotic, among other things. Then Reid proved his neurosis with some deep thoughts about fondue after cornering Train staff to ask how he should take things with Jillian – glasses on or off, should he open up more or play mysterious. Luckily, the Rocky Mountain Express comes with a staff willing to lend a hand and Reid took the advice and secured a rose on his one-on-one.

Jake sunk himself on the group date. Who didn’t? Front-runner Kiptyn. You get the feeling that when Jillian and Kiptyn are together, Jillian only hears Charlie Brown’s teacher sounds “wah waaaah wah waaah” and can barely wait to make out. ABC pumped in some sultry sounds and they went at it.

Kiptyn is to smooth as Tanner is to…? After Michael asks Jillian what she sleeps in, Tanner seizes on the opportunity to show an important feature. After impressing all the fellow men and Jillian, Tanner offers yet another classic quote in Bachelor history: “She knows I was blessed.” Some good ol’ foot fettish talk right when Jillian begins to get serious and Tanner secures his exit from the show.

The winery owner Jesse is still drinking beer. Noted. If he gets to Spain, will he demand Pabst at every party scene?

Rose ceremony. We know Robbie is gone. Casual dress continues as ties are only accompanying Michael (trying to be show he is mature) and Jake (no further explanation necessary). Tanner humorously, considering actions explained above, questions Michael’s maturity. Everyone gets the feeling Tanner is gone. Correctly. You will be missed.

Young break dancing, fun loving Michael v. Jake for the final rose. Dugan house is screaming to avoid Jake at all casts.

Whooooo. Sigh of relief. Mike advances. Next week won’t get ugly. Until you see previews of upcoming episodes and notice who doesn’t take no for answer. Jake is coming back.

The Bachelorette. You totally redeemed yourself.