We begin, as usual, with a season preview montage about all the drama on the upcoming season. But, it's really only important that you remember there are a lot of bros and that bros are ultra competitive about stupid things. I am not saying that love is stupid, but game show love is pretty silly to be competitive about. Also, this is a first. One of the bachelors has been in my kitchen. (See reference). More on his memorable premiere later.
Des pulls up to the Bachelorette mansion in a nice 2 door 94 Honda, I remember those cars vividly because 40% of my friends in high school drove that exact car..…rags to riches angle? BINGO.
But I feel they didn't bring up the best argument for her hard luck childhood. Instead of going straight for the jugular with children's pictures and stories of their homelessness, they centered on the fact she grew up in an apartment. YES. The horror. She didn't have a single family home. That is rough.
So she's in the new Bachelorette diggs...She only needs a man now. So they bring her Bentley. Bentley's back?!? Oh, a Bentley automobile. Upgrade. I also hope this is incredible foreshadowing by Mike Fleiss and Co.
One on One w/ Harrison
- What does she want out of this?
- "I want a communicator and companionship." Is this the first lesbian season ever? Honestly, there is no chance any of the guys looking to be on this show included that in their "wants"
- "I’m looking forward to when someone I love is on their knees…" You too, Des?
Guy Intros
- We meet a Missoula, Montana military man named Bryden who's really into his dog. I feel like we have another "guard and protect your heart" character in the making. Also, "Bryden" is a good example of where names are heading in our near future. We are now into fucked up white people's names. Congrats, you're all dumb. I know a guy who loved his dog. Timmy and Lassie. I'll call you Timmy.
- Wayne Brady is a 28 year old banker from Chicago, does bikram yoga, and high fives little, old white ladies in the street.
- Drew, like 75% of this year's contestants is in digital marketing, is from Scottsdale, grew up in a divorced home, had an alcoholic father, and severely handicapped sister. Yikes, we'll just call you Drew, you've been through enough...for now.
- Nick R. is a tailor/magician. It's not possible to picture a magician going far. Kids are into magic. Women looking to settle down are not.
- Zak (honestly with that spelling?) is from Mico, Texas and hates shirts.
- Sign Spinner invented sign spinning and has a one eyed dog.
- Mike is a Dental Student. Since they didn't invest in the back story and claim he's a dentist, his chances don't look good.
- Brandon is a painter. He's a bit of a meathead so he isn't getting a cool painter nickname like Bob Ross or Dali. Also has abandonement and addiction issues. So add in sniffing paint all day and this guy's going places.
Limo 1
- Drew, Digital Marketing Entreprenuer, did nothing memorable.
- Brooks, the Marketing Consultant from SLC has hockey hair.
- Brad, an Accountant from Denver, did a lame wishbone intro.
- Timmy didn't bring Lassie.
- Michael, Domer #1 on the show and fellow member of the South Florida bar, does a penny trick that gets awkward. His awkward entry looks like ND's perfect regular season when compared to Domer #2's entrance minutes later.
- Hashtag is an advertising executive who's really into social media #hashtag #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin #YOUHAVENOCHANCE
- Wayne Brady is still high fiving everything in sight, calls her Athena. If the high fives continue, Wayne Brady will become Wayne Borat.
- Jon is a lawyer from Hickory, North Carolina who is about to very embarrassed about his behavior. Jon asked Des if she wanted to go to the fantasy suite with him. DENIED. But he'd have to get denied a few more times before eventually being asked to leave. Congrats! I hope you work in criminal defense.
- Zak Abs is not a real person, nor did he write the line handed to him by Fleiss & Co, "Will you accept these abs?”
Limo 3
- James is an odd advertising executive from Chicago who gives a talk about loyalty.
- Larry B., Domer #2, is an ER doctor from Berkley.
- Stream of consciousness. I know Larry. He came to my house on spring break. He's a nice enough guy, smart, hard working...can be socially awkward. Can be charming. This season is going to be hilarious. Oh fuck, nevermind. He tries to dance and almost kills her. Only socially awkward Larry came through.
- Nick R. is a Magician (see above) that doesn't need a nickname because he won't be around long.
- Zack is rocking the vans/tux look, is a book publisher and wow, this guy looks like a grown up kid. He looks like a 12 year old that switched bodies with an adult. It's creepy. Your name is BIG.
- Sir Crazy Lot (thank you guys inside the house) comes out in full knight regalia. The girls pull these stunts on the Bachelor and the guy only cares if the girl is hot or not. Guys doing stunts is pathetic and will get most of them booted (see below).
Limo 4 (must have been huge)
- Mike R, the Dental Student, from Texas.
- Sign Spinner who doesn't like ties.
- Does he really believe he invented spinning a sign?
- Juan Pablo is a former pro soccer player from Venezuela who Des approves of. The nicknames are needed to differentiate the Robs from the Mikes from the Joes. I think if we write "Juan Pablo" our readers won't have trouble recognizing him as the former Venzuelan soccer star.
- Hat tip to Fleiss & Co. for the spanish guitar in the background.
- Eveil Kneivel Bob Ross Brandon Dali gets off his motorcycle and doesn't know if he's from California or Minneapolis.
- Brian is in Finance in Baltimore (= drug dealer)
- More important, he wore jeans and a velvet blazer
- Micah is a law student from Denver. The only thing more annoying than lawyers are law students. God they are insufferable.
- Nick M. is an investment advisor from Charlotte (= sells insurance).
- Dan sells booze in Vegas. I should have more to say but he did nothing.
- Ben is an entreprenuer from Dallas (unemployed). Uses his cute kid as a prop. I can pull that move. It's a cheap trick.
Introduction Party
- Magician gets the first one on one time
- Painter comes in quick. Giving away mother’s sobriety coin. And dumped his grandparents for a phone interview to get on the show. Are these first date discussions?
- Rose envy.
- Lots of cities being mentioned.
- Interruptions.
- NYC Mikey is NOT from NYC.
- Ben may have a cute kid but he doesn't sit like a straight man.
- Ben still gets a rose.
- Shirtless Zak still thinks he has a chance.
- Holy shit he got a rose.
- Timmy is still talking about his best friend, Lassie.
- Juan Pablo turns the odds in his favor with a little game of futbol.
- Drew talks about his crazy butterflies, how he's fidgety, and can’t help but smile around Des. Drew probably sits like Ben.
- Larry
- Trying to undo the dip
- Socially awkward
- Creepster
- Feels good he is not fantasy suite man
- Fantasy suite man says the following things in a very short time frame
- is nothing like Sean
- has no filter
- has got a very large love tank. A WHAT?
- thinks he's a pretty good catch which is confirmed by his own mother
- has a love tank that has not been depleted in years...
AND SOME OF YOU DONT LIKE THIS SHOW?!?!?!
Rose Ceremony
Painter Brandon
BIG – Zack K.
Wayne Brady
Hockey Hair Brooks
Juan Pablo
Brad
Hashtag
James – The Undertaker
Sign Spinner
Brian who kinds of looks like SNL's Will Forte
Dan – Dr. WHO becuase I have no clue who this is and I have a blog about the show. For real, dude.
Chris
NYC Mikey
Who have we lost?
Fantasy Suite Lawyer?
Law Student
Magician
Dr. Larry
The Brave Knight Diogo
Until next week when we big with the hot tubs, helicopters and private islands with Wags.
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