The Bachelorette: Say Yes to the Des Premiere

We begin, as usual, with a season preview montage about all the drama on the upcoming season. But, it's really only important that you remember there are a lot of bros and that bros are ultra competitive about stupid things. I am not saying that love is stupid, but game show love is pretty silly to be competitive about. Also, this is a first. One of the bachelors has been in my kitchen. (See reference). More on his memorable premiere later.

Des pulls up to the Bachelorette mansion in a nice 2 door 94 Honda, I remember those cars vividly because 40% of my friends in high school drove that exact car..…rags to riches angle? BINGO. 

But I feel they didn't bring up the best argument for her hard luck childhood. Instead of going straight for the jugular with children's pictures and stories of their homelessness, they centered on the fact she grew up in an apartment. YES. The horror. She didn't have a single family home. That is rough.

So she's in the new Bachelorette diggs...She only needs a man now. So they bring her Bentley. Bentley's back?!? Oh, a Bentley automobile. Upgrade. I also hope this is incredible foreshadowing by Mike Fleiss and Co.

One on One w/ Harrison

• What does she want out of this? 
• "I want a communicator and companionship." Is this the first lesbian season ever? Honestly, there is no chance any of the guys looking to be on this show included that in their "wants"
•  What is she looking forward to?
• "I’m looking forward to when someone I love is on their knees…" You too, Des?

Guy Intros

• We meet a Missoula, Montana military man named Bryden who's really into his dog. I feel like we have another "guard and protect your heart" character in the making. Also, "Bryden" is a good example of where names are heading in our near future. We are now into fucked up white people's names. Congrats, you're all dumb. I know a guy who loved his dog. Timmy and Lassie. I'll call you Timmy.

• Wayne Brady is a 28 year old banker from Chicago, does bikram yoga, and high fives little, old white ladies in the street.
• Drew, like 75% of this year's contestants is in digital marketing, is from Scottsdale, grew up in a divorced home, had an alcoholic father, and severely handicapped sister. Yikes, we'll just call you Drew, you've been through enough...for now.
• Nick R. is a tailor/magician. It's not possible to picture a magician going far. Kids are into magic. Women looking to settle down are not.
• Zak (honestly with that spelling?) is from Mico, Texas and hates shirts.
• Sign Spinner invented sign spinning and has a one eyed dog.
• Mike is a Dental Student. Since they didn't invest in the back story and claim he's a dentist, his chances don't look good.
• Brandon is a painter. He's a bit of a meathead so he isn't getting a cool painter nickname like Bob Ross or Dali. Also has abandonement and addiction issues. So add in sniffing paint all day and this guy's going places.

Let's Get to the Limos. 

While I may be harsh in some of my treatment of these guys, I really do feel for them. It has to be incredibly awkward to get out of these limos and try to be remembered from the group of Jimmies and Joes.

Limo 1

• Drew, Digital Marketing Entreprenuer, did nothing memorable.
• Brooks, the Marketing Consultant from SLC has hockey hair.
• Brad, an Accountant from Denver, did a lame wishbone intro.
• Timmy didn't bring Lassie.
• Michael, Domer #1 on the show and fellow member of the South Florida bar, does a penny trick that gets awkward. His awkward entry looks like ND's perfect regular season when compared to Domer #2's entrance minutes later.

 Limo 2

• Hashtag is an advertising executive who's really into social media #hashtag #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin #YOUHAVENOCHANCE
• Wayne Brady is still high fiving everything in sight, calls her Athena. If the high fives continue, Wayne Brady will become Wayne Borat.

• Yo, Mikey T. is a fucking plumber from the Bronx...errr Illinois.
• Jon is a lawyer from Hickory, North Carolina who is about to very embarrassed about his behavior. Jon asked Des if she wanted to go to the fantasy suite with him. DENIED. But he'd have to get denied a few more times before eventually being asked to leave. Congrats! I hope you work in criminal defense.
• Zak Abs is not a real person, nor did he write the line handed to him by Fleiss & Co, "Will you accept these abs?”

Limo 3

• James is an odd advertising executive from Chicago who gives a talk about loyalty.
• Larry B., Domer #2, is an ER doctor from Berkley.

• Stream of consciousness. I know Larry. He came to my house on spring break. He's a nice enough guy, smart, hard working...can be socially awkward. Can be charming. This season is going to be hilarious. Oh fuck, nevermind. He tries to dance and almost kills her. Only socially awkward Larry came through.
• Nick R. is a Magician (see above) that doesn't need a nickname because he won't be around long.
• Zack is rocking the vans/tux look, is a book publisher and wow, this guy looks like a grown up kid. He looks like a 12 year old that switched bodies with an adult. It's creepy. Your name is BIG.
• Sir Crazy Lot (thank you guys inside the house) comes out in full knight regalia. The girls pull these stunts on the Bachelor and the guy only cares if the girl is hot or not. Guys doing stunts is pathetic and will get most of them booted (see below).

Limo 4 (must have been huge)

•  Chris is a Mortgage Broker from Seattle. Feigning a proposal on his knees, he asks if he can tie his shoe...and explains he wanted to get off on the right foot…PUNS will get you places with Dugan, sir.
• Mike R, the Dental Student, from Texas. 
• Sign Spinner who doesn't like ties.
• Does he really believe he invented spinning a sign?
• Juan Pablo is a former pro soccer player from Venezuela who Des approves of. The nicknames are needed to differentiate the Robs from the Mikes from the Joes. I think if we write "Juan Pablo" our readers won't have trouble recognizing him as the former Venzuelan soccer star.
• Hat tip to Fleiss & Co. for the spanish guitar in the background.
• Eveil Kneivel Bob Ross Brandon Dali gets off his motorcycle and doesn't know if he's from California or Minneapolis.
• Brian is in Finance in Baltimore (= drug dealer)
• More important, he wore jeans and a velvet blazer
• Micah is a law student from Denver. The only thing more annoying than lawyers are law students. God they are insufferable.
• Nick M. is an investment advisor from Charlotte (= sells insurance).
• Dan sells booze in Vegas. I should have more to say but he did nothing.
• Ben is an entreprenuer from Dallas (unemployed). Uses his cute kid as a prop. I can pull that move. It's a cheap trick.

Introduction Party

• Magician gets the first one on one time
• Painter comes in quick. Giving away mother’s sobriety coin. And dumped his grandparents for a phone interview to get on the show. Are these first date discussions?
• Rose envy.
• Lots of cities being mentioned.
• Interruptions.
• NYC Mikey is NOT from NYC.
• Ben may have a cute kid but he doesn't sit like a straight man.

• Ben still gets a rose.
• Shirtless Zak still thinks he has a chance.
• Holy shit he got a rose.
• Timmy is still talking about his best friend, Lassie.
• Juan Pablo turns the odds in his favor with a little game of futbol.
• Drew talks about his crazy butterflies, how he's fidgety, and can’t help but smile around Des. Drew probably sits like Ben.
• Larry
• Trying to undo the dip
• Socially awkward
• Creepster
• Feels good he is not fantasy suite man
• Fantasy suite man says the following things in a very short time frame
• is nothing like Sean
• has no filter
• has got a very large love tank. A WHAT?
• thinks he's a pretty good catch which is confirmed by his own mother
• has a love tank that has not been depleted in years...  

AND SOME OF YOU DONT LIKE THIS SHOW?!?!?!

Rose Ceremony

Painter Brandon

BIG – Zack K.

Wayne Brady

Hockey Hair Brooks

Juan Pablo 

Brad

Hashtag

James – The Undertaker

Sign Spinner

Brian who kinds of looks like SNL's Will Forte

Dan – Dr. WHO becuase I have no clue who this is and I have a blog about the show. For real, dude.

Chris

NYC Mikey

Who have we lost?

Fantasy Suite Lawyer?

Law Student

Magician

Dr. Larry

The Brave Knight Diogo

Have we ever lost such a bountiful source of blogging material in the opening episode? Fantasy Suite Lawyer, Dr. Larry and a Magician walk into a bar... 

Until next week when we big with the hot tubs, helicopters and private islands with Wags.

Episode III: The Bachelor Eliminates the Blondes who will not be the next Bachelorette

Luckily, it’s early in the season and I probably haven’t ruined the episode for you yet. This week’s blog, like the show itself, will hit a groove now that it is week 3 and the ladies are no longer strangers.

Nanny Ashley “Seals” the Deal

Dugan is not above bad puns and Brad and the Nanny showed they are not above public embarrassment on the first one-on-one of the episode. Brad and his Nanny travel to Studio A at Capitol Records to perform the 1994 hit, Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose.”  Just food for thought, but 15 of the original 30 Ladies were Ten Years old or younger when Seal’s hit helped Val Kilmer usher in Batman Forever.

Brad and his Nanny predictably butcher the song, but Mr. Klum saves the day and helps Ashley seal a rose. Ashley’s tattoo count is listed at 0, but this may be due to most states’ laws against tattooing minors (that’s what she said!). I am not buying that Ashley is 26. My guess is 13. Helping me is the fact that she had on Silly Bands.

In a recurring theme this season, the Nanny has daddy issues.

The Ho Movie, a.k.a. “Love Hurts”

Director Steven Ho (do yourself a favor and read his Wikipedia) gathered Brad and a large group of ladies for some more fake movie making. We have Malibu Shark Attach Teacher Lindsey, Step*Daddy Car Dealership Chantal, Young Alli, Food Writer Britt, Dugan’s Guarantee to leave until she does Kimberly, No Date Sarah, 6 Feet Under Shawntel, Dentist Ashley, Lisa (who I decided applied for Beauty and the Geek but was mistakenly cast on the Bachelor), Bartender Stacey, Sporty Spice Marissa and C.E.M.#II (Crazy Eyes Michelle #II for those that did not read the comments from last week’s blog, also pronounced “Chem 2” like in high school).

Despite the movie making, the date did not bring much drama until the Wrap Party. Chantal told us about her Daddy Issues,

C.E.M.#II’s crazy picked up speed with an awkward presence during Alli’s sit down with Brad, but Shawntel’s acting earned the rose. Back at the house, Artist Jackie, Bachelorette Emily, Nanny Ashley, Twilight and Bad Shoes Rising were having a girls night…all drinking Red Wine except Nanny who opted for a Shirley Temple. Mrs. Dugan had a good eye and pointed out that our next Bachelorette Emily was wearing Pajama Jeans for a discussion about her fiancé’s death and subsequent revelation that she was pregnant with his baby.

This is how Twilight summed up the night:

The Bachelor takes out the Bachelorette on a One-on-One

Despite some very questionable decision making by the producers to put Emily in a Pilatus, Brad and the Bachelorette have a very nice date at Cambria Winery as Mrs. Dugan and I try to figure out how the producers are going to have Emily exit the show. (For the record, Mrs. Dugan says it will involve her missing her daughter, further entrenching her as America’s favorite Coal Miner’s Daughter and setting up the best ratings in Bachelorette history).

Brad continues his Forest Gumpian/Dumb & Dumber “I like her a lot” but gives three “lots” this time. You may recall Dentist Ashley was only two “lot” hot in Brad’s first one-on-one of the season. No doubt Emily is 3 lot hot and secures the rose. Meanwhile, back at the house, Twilight can’t shake how real shit has gotten.

Guess Who’s Coming to the Rose Ceremony?

Bradmund Freud!!! He meets with his L.A. Therapist to learn Jedi mind tricks to get the girls to open up. Brad learns that he must open his heart and become vulnerable if he wants the girls to come in. Brad decides to open up at the rose ceremony.

Brad has to be careful for what he wishes for. His new open self leads to Alli presenting her own Daddy Issues (this is getting ridiculous). Stepdaddy Car Dealer Chantal and Brad have some chemistry and their solid time together was interrupted (I give you one guess) by C.E.M.#II. C.E.M.#II seems to be confused by the show she is on. She wants “Brad’s side” of why he kissed other girls Shawntel and Chantal.

Here’s Dugan’s take: HE’S THE FUCKING BACHELOR.

This is a good time to bring up C.E.M.#IIs crazy quotes of the week:

1. Her feelings on the other girls: “I’m not gonna lie, I hate them.”
2. Her thoughts on the other girls’chances: “Pack your bags, get your plane tickets booked…farewell, goodbye. He is mine. He is mine.”
3. Her plans for Brad in Tahiti: “Practice making babies.”

The Coal Miner’s Daughter was conspicuously absent from the Cocktail Party. Was she filming promos for the Bachelorette?

Who Gets Kissed From a Rose?

The Nanny, 6 Feet Under and the Bachelorette are safe.

• C.E.M.#II gets a rose.
• Step Daddy Dealer Chantal is next.

BOOM. Twilight exits the building. She was never able to recover from Emily’s tragic story. Shit just got real.

• Lisa moves on and thinks she is one step closer to having Brad be her prom date.
• Artist Jackie
• Dentist Ashley
• Sporty Spice Marissa
• Food Writer Britt
• Alli
• Malibu Shark Attack Lindsey
• Bad Shoes Rising
• Bartender Stacey

No Date Sarah and Dugan’s Guarantee to leave until she does Kimberly join Twilight on Blond Farewell night. DGTLUSD Kimberly gave a great exit interview: “Fuck Brad. His Loss.” Malibu Shark Attack and Food Writer Britt better watch out as the remaining red head/blond (Bachelorette excluded because the Producers have to drag her appearance a little longer to up her Q rating.)

Till next week, ladies and gentlemen.