The Bachelorette Episode 1: Rachel's Reboot

Every one's favorite Texas lawyer this side of Joe Jamail (and whoever had a Joe Jamail reference in the opening paragraph, please report to Paddy Power for your long shot winnings) is back and so are Fleiss & Co! It's an exciting time to be a Bachelor/ette fan as we can actually root for the Bachelor/ette in earnest. Although, when you saw her gaggle of girls she welcomed back for a pep talk (think Trainwreck meets Bridesmaids), you did begin to wonder if she was taking this serious.

Jamail's first appearance in a Bachelor Blog

You know Rachel. I know Rachel. Everyone likes Rachel. This episode is not actually about Rachel. It's about the many men she meets. Without further ado...

Adam, aka Adummy, 27, Real Estate Agent from Dallas

• Bio Note: What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Threesome. It was my birthday. UGH.

Alex, 28, Information Systems Supervisor from Detroit

• Bio Note: What are your 3 worst attributes? Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic. YIKES. RUN.

Anthony, 26, Education Software Manager from Chicago

• Bio Note: What is your greatest achievement to date? Getting a Fulbright Grant to teach in the Ivory Coast. NOT BAD.

Blake E., aka Sex Pistol, 31, aspiring drummer from Marina del Ray

• Bio Note: Occupation: Aspiring Drummer. "Aspiring" should not be in your occupation title.
• Bio Note 2: What's the closest you have ever come to being married? I was engaged for 48 hours. THERE ARE FLAGS ALL OVER THE FIELD.

Blake K., 29, Marine Veteran from San Francisco

• Bio Note: Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran. Veteran? Retired? He’s 29? 
• Bio Note 2: Do you have to qualify that you are in the Marines of the United States as opposed to a different Marines? 

Brady, aka Zoolander or Thor, 29, Male Model from Miami

• Bio Note: Describe your top 3 least favorite things to do on a date? Paying for everything, saying goodnight, getting an Uber that doesn't speak English. YOU LIVE IN MIAMI, BRO.

Bryan, aka Nip Tuck, 37, a Chiropractor from Miami

• Bio Note: What are your three best attributes? Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart. THREE, genius.

Bryce, 30, a Firefighter from Orlando

Dean, 26, a Startup Recruiter from Venice

• Bio Note: Tattoos: Mom's initials on chest, artwork on back, friend's initials on back, "Righteous" on inner lip, Latin on hip, Triforce on inner arm. LIP TATTOO. RUN!
• Bio Note 2: What is your favorite memory from childhood? When I was very young, my family lived in a mobile home. I remember sitting on top with my brothers watching a demolition derby and eating Oreos. WHAT? His mobile home park hosted demolition derbies? I am so confused right now.
• Bio Note 3: What does being married mean to you? I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it's a life-long commitment. How romantic.

DeMario, 30, an Executive Recruiter from Century City, CA

• Bio Note: Do you like being the center of attention, or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? I won't lie, I love attention… not like '07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits. THIS CANNOT BE HIS HONEST ANSWER.

Diggy, aka TeachMeHowToDiggie, 31, a Senior Inventory Analyst (aka works in receiving) from Chicago

Eric, 29, a Personal Trainer from LA

Fred, aka Bad Kid Fred, 27, an Executive Assistant from Dallas

• Bio Note: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Ellen DeGeneres because she seems to love what she does and people's days are brightened when they are around her. A STRAIGHT MAN ANSWERED THIS?

Grant, 29, Emergency Medicine Physician from New York

• Bio Note: What are your favorite magazines? Playboy? ;) SERIOUSLY, with the winking and all.

Iggy, aka IggyNotDiggy, 30, Consulting Firm CEO from Chicago

Jack Stone, 32, Attorney from Dallas

Jamey, ak American Psycho, 32, Sales Account Executive from Santa Monica

• Bio Note: Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends. THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.

Jedidiah, aka Masters, 35, an ER Physician from Augusta, GA

• Bio Note:  Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? Not currently. All former dogs were over ½ wolf. WHAT?

Jonathan, aka Elmo, 31, Tickle Monster from New Smyrna Beach, FL. Not. A. Job.

Josiah, aka Mike Satz (***see notes below***), 28, Prosecuting Attorney from Fort Lauderdale

Kenny, 35, a Professional Wrestler from Las Vegas

Kyle, 26, a Marketing Consultant from LA

Lee, aka Robert E. Lee, 30, a Singer/Songwriter from Nashville

Lucas, aka WHABOOM!, 30, a Whaboom from Woodside, California. NOT. A. JOB.

• Bio Note: What does your ideal mate look like? Belle (Beauty and The Beast), Cinderella, Little Mermaid … and the best, Jessica Rabbit! FREAK.

Matt, aka Happy Feet 32, a Construction Sales Rep from Meridian, CN

Michael, aka MJ, 26, Former Professional Basketball Player from Chicago. FORMER at 26? And now?

Milton, aka Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty, 31, a Hotel Recreation Supervisor from North Bay Village, FL

• Bio Note: Tattoos: Yes, inside my bottom lip. LIP TAT. RUN!

Mohit, aka Bollywood, 26, a Product Manager from San Francisco or Pacifica?

Peter, aka Badger, 31, a Business Owner from Madison, WI

Rob, aka Law Student Rob, 30, a Law Student from Houston

Will, aka Urkel, 28, a Sales Manager from Miami

Let's get some general comments on the guys from tonight's premiere:

• Blake earned his Sex Pistol nickname due to frequently bringing up sex along with his drumming aspirations. 
• Diggy has 575 pairs of shoes? What?
• ***Josiah, aka Mike Satz*** is a prosecutor from Dugan's hometown of Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  When you think of Fort Lauderdale and Broward County and Prosecutor, only one name comes to mind. Mike Satz. He's been the elected prosecutor since 4 years before I was born. I'm not young.
• Bad Kid Fred went to grade school with Rachel (cute!) and she was his counselor (creepy!)
• Adummy brought along a terrifying dummy.
• Nip Tuck loves speaking Spanish and is older than your blog authors.
• Whaboom! is annoying and not here for the right reasons.
• Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty keeps purring in Rachel's ear. 
• Rachel is already in the running for the best Bachelor/ette in years? Ever?

Dugan's Quote of the Night

Whaboom: “I feel like everyone has a little Whaboom in them”

Sex Pistol: “I have no Whaboom in me”

First Impression Rose

Nip Tuck brings the First Impresson Rose back to Sunny South Florida where Mike Satz will seek a replevin action to get what he believes was rightfully his.

Rose Ceremony Time

Badger

Will (Urkel)

Jack Stone

Jamey (America Psycho)

IggyNotDiggy

Eric

DeMario

Elmo (Jonathan)

Bryce

Alex

Kenny

Dean

Penguin

Anthony

Thor (hammer) or Zoolander (male model)

Mike Satz

Robert E. Lee

Teach me how to Diggy

Bad Kid Fred

Adummy

Sex Pistol

Whaboom!

Who are we losing?

Law School Rob

Kyle

Blake the vet

Jedidiah (Masters)

NY Doctor

Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty (Milton)

The Bachelorette: Say Yes to the Des Premiere

We begin, as usual, with a season preview montage about all the drama on the upcoming season. But, it's really only important that you remember there are a lot of bros and that bros are ultra competitive about stupid things. I am not saying that love is stupid, but game show love is pretty silly to be competitive about. Also, this is a first. One of the bachelors has been in my kitchen. (See reference). More on his memorable premiere later.

Des pulls up to the Bachelorette mansion in a nice 2 door 94 Honda, I remember those cars vividly because 40% of my friends in high school drove that exact car..…rags to riches angle? BINGO. 

But I feel they didn't bring up the best argument for her hard luck childhood. Instead of going straight for the jugular with children's pictures and stories of their homelessness, they centered on the fact she grew up in an apartment. YES. The horror. She didn't have a single family home. That is rough.

So she's in the new Bachelorette diggs...She only needs a man now. So they bring her Bentley. Bentley's back?!? Oh, a Bentley automobile. Upgrade. I also hope this is incredible foreshadowing by Mike Fleiss and Co.

One on One w/ Harrison

• What does she want out of this? 
• "I want a communicator and companionship." Is this the first lesbian season ever? Honestly, there is no chance any of the guys looking to be on this show included that in their "wants"
•  What is she looking forward to?
• "I’m looking forward to when someone I love is on their knees…" You too, Des?

Guy Intros

• We meet a Missoula, Montana military man named Bryden who's really into his dog. I feel like we have another "guard and protect your heart" character in the making. Also, "Bryden" is a good example of where names are heading in our near future. We are now into fucked up white people's names. Congrats, you're all dumb. I know a guy who loved his dog. Timmy and Lassie. I'll call you Timmy.

• Wayne Brady is a 28 year old banker from Chicago, does bikram yoga, and high fives little, old white ladies in the street.
• Drew, like 75% of this year's contestants is in digital marketing, is from Scottsdale, grew up in a divorced home, had an alcoholic father, and severely handicapped sister. Yikes, we'll just call you Drew, you've been through enough...for now.
• Nick R. is a tailor/magician. It's not possible to picture a magician going far. Kids are into magic. Women looking to settle down are not.
• Zak (honestly with that spelling?) is from Mico, Texas and hates shirts.
• Sign Spinner invented sign spinning and has a one eyed dog.
• Mike is a Dental Student. Since they didn't invest in the back story and claim he's a dentist, his chances don't look good.
• Brandon is a painter. He's a bit of a meathead so he isn't getting a cool painter nickname like Bob Ross or Dali. Also has abandonement and addiction issues. So add in sniffing paint all day and this guy's going places.

Let's Get to the Limos. 

While I may be harsh in some of my treatment of these guys, I really do feel for them. It has to be incredibly awkward to get out of these limos and try to be remembered from the group of Jimmies and Joes.

Limo 1

• Drew, Digital Marketing Entreprenuer, did nothing memorable.
• Brooks, the Marketing Consultant from SLC has hockey hair.
• Brad, an Accountant from Denver, did a lame wishbone intro.
• Timmy didn't bring Lassie.
• Michael, Domer #1 on the show and fellow member of the South Florida bar, does a penny trick that gets awkward. His awkward entry looks like ND's perfect regular season when compared to Domer #2's entrance minutes later.

 Limo 2

• Hashtag is an advertising executive who's really into social media #hashtag #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin #YOUHAVENOCHANCE
• Wayne Brady is still high fiving everything in sight, calls her Athena. If the high fives continue, Wayne Brady will become Wayne Borat.

• Yo, Mikey T. is a fucking plumber from the Bronx...errr Illinois.
• Jon is a lawyer from Hickory, North Carolina who is about to very embarrassed about his behavior. Jon asked Des if she wanted to go to the fantasy suite with him. DENIED. But he'd have to get denied a few more times before eventually being asked to leave. Congrats! I hope you work in criminal defense.
• Zak Abs is not a real person, nor did he write the line handed to him by Fleiss & Co, "Will you accept these abs?”

Limo 3

• James is an odd advertising executive from Chicago who gives a talk about loyalty.
• Larry B., Domer #2, is an ER doctor from Berkley.

• Stream of consciousness. I know Larry. He came to my house on spring break. He's a nice enough guy, smart, hard working...can be socially awkward. Can be charming. This season is going to be hilarious. Oh fuck, nevermind. He tries to dance and almost kills her. Only socially awkward Larry came through.
• Nick R. is a Magician (see above) that doesn't need a nickname because he won't be around long.
• Zack is rocking the vans/tux look, is a book publisher and wow, this guy looks like a grown up kid. He looks like a 12 year old that switched bodies with an adult. It's creepy. Your name is BIG.
• Sir Crazy Lot (thank you guys inside the house) comes out in full knight regalia. The girls pull these stunts on the Bachelor and the guy only cares if the girl is hot or not. Guys doing stunts is pathetic and will get most of them booted (see below).

Limo 4 (must have been huge)

•  Chris is a Mortgage Broker from Seattle. Feigning a proposal on his knees, he asks if he can tie his shoe...and explains he wanted to get off on the right foot…PUNS will get you places with Dugan, sir.
• Mike R, the Dental Student, from Texas. 
• Sign Spinner who doesn't like ties.
• Does he really believe he invented spinning a sign?
• Juan Pablo is a former pro soccer player from Venezuela who Des approves of. The nicknames are needed to differentiate the Robs from the Mikes from the Joes. I think if we write "Juan Pablo" our readers won't have trouble recognizing him as the former Venzuelan soccer star.
• Hat tip to Fleiss & Co. for the spanish guitar in the background.
• Eveil Kneivel Bob Ross Brandon Dali gets off his motorcycle and doesn't know if he's from California or Minneapolis.
• Brian is in Finance in Baltimore (= drug dealer)
• More important, he wore jeans and a velvet blazer
• Micah is a law student from Denver. The only thing more annoying than lawyers are law students. God they are insufferable.
• Nick M. is an investment advisor from Charlotte (= sells insurance).
• Dan sells booze in Vegas. I should have more to say but he did nothing.
• Ben is an entreprenuer from Dallas (unemployed). Uses his cute kid as a prop. I can pull that move. It's a cheap trick.

Introduction Party

• Magician gets the first one on one time
• Painter comes in quick. Giving away mother’s sobriety coin. And dumped his grandparents for a phone interview to get on the show. Are these first date discussions?
• Rose envy.
• Lots of cities being mentioned.
• Interruptions.
• NYC Mikey is NOT from NYC.
• Ben may have a cute kid but he doesn't sit like a straight man.

• Ben still gets a rose.
• Shirtless Zak still thinks he has a chance.
• Holy shit he got a rose.
• Timmy is still talking about his best friend, Lassie.
• Juan Pablo turns the odds in his favor with a little game of futbol.
• Drew talks about his crazy butterflies, how he's fidgety, and can’t help but smile around Des. Drew probably sits like Ben.
• Larry
• Trying to undo the dip
• Socially awkward
• Creepster
• Feels good he is not fantasy suite man
• Fantasy suite man says the following things in a very short time frame
• is nothing like Sean
• has no filter
• has got a very large love tank. A WHAT?
• thinks he's a pretty good catch which is confirmed by his own mother
• has a love tank that has not been depleted in years...  

AND SOME OF YOU DONT LIKE THIS SHOW?!?!?!

Rose Ceremony

Painter Brandon

BIG – Zack K.

Wayne Brady

Hockey Hair Brooks

Juan Pablo 

Brad

Hashtag

James – The Undertaker

Sign Spinner

Brian who kinds of looks like SNL's Will Forte

Dan – Dr. WHO becuase I have no clue who this is and I have a blog about the show. For real, dude.

Chris

NYC Mikey

Who have we lost?

Fantasy Suite Lawyer?

Law Student

Magician

Dr. Larry

The Brave Knight Diogo

Have we ever lost such a bountiful source of blogging material in the opening episode? Fantasy Suite Lawyer, Dr. Larry and a Magician walk into a bar... 

Until next week when we big with the hot tubs, helicopters and private islands with Wags.