The Bachelorette Episode 1: Rachel's Reboot

Every one's favorite Texas lawyer this side of Joe Jamail (and whoever had a Joe Jamail reference in the opening paragraph, please report to Paddy Power for your long shot winnings) is back and so are Fleiss & Co! It's an exciting time to be a Bachelor/ette fan as we can actually root for the Bachelor/ette in earnest. Although, when you saw her gaggle of girls she welcomed back for a pep talk (think Trainwreck meets Bridesmaids), you did begin to wonder if she was taking this serious.

Jamail's first appearance in a Bachelor Blog

You know Rachel. I know Rachel. Everyone likes Rachel. This episode is not actually about Rachel. It's about the many men she meets. Without further ado...

Adam, aka Adummy, 27, Real Estate Agent from Dallas

• Bio Note: What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Threesome. It was my birthday. UGH.

Alex, 28, Information Systems Supervisor from Detroit

• Bio Note: What are your 3 worst attributes? Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic. YIKES. RUN.

Anthony, 26, Education Software Manager from Chicago

• Bio Note: What is your greatest achievement to date? Getting a Fulbright Grant to teach in the Ivory Coast. NOT BAD.

Blake E., aka Sex Pistol, 31, aspiring drummer from Marina del Ray

• Bio Note: Occupation: Aspiring Drummer. "Aspiring" should not be in your occupation title.
• Bio Note 2: What's the closest you have ever come to being married? I was engaged for 48 hours. THERE ARE FLAGS ALL OVER THE FIELD.

Blake K., 29, Marine Veteran from San Francisco

• Bio Note: Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran. Veteran? Retired? He’s 29? 
• Bio Note 2: Do you have to qualify that you are in the Marines of the United States as opposed to a different Marines? 

Brady, aka Zoolander or Thor, 29, Male Model from Miami

• Bio Note: Describe your top 3 least favorite things to do on a date? Paying for everything, saying goodnight, getting an Uber that doesn't speak English. YOU LIVE IN MIAMI, BRO.

Bryan, aka Nip Tuck, 37, a Chiropractor from Miami

• Bio Note: What are your three best attributes? Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart. THREE, genius.

Bryce, 30, a Firefighter from Orlando

Dean, 26, a Startup Recruiter from Venice

• Bio Note: Tattoos: Mom's initials on chest, artwork on back, friend's initials on back, "Righteous" on inner lip, Latin on hip, Triforce on inner arm. LIP TATTOO. RUN!
• Bio Note 2: What is your favorite memory from childhood? When I was very young, my family lived in a mobile home. I remember sitting on top with my brothers watching a demolition derby and eating Oreos. WHAT? His mobile home park hosted demolition derbies? I am so confused right now.
• Bio Note 3: What does being married mean to you? I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it's a life-long commitment. How romantic.

DeMario, 30, an Executive Recruiter from Century City, CA

• Bio Note: Do you like being the center of attention, or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? I won't lie, I love attention… not like '07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits. THIS CANNOT BE HIS HONEST ANSWER.

Diggy, aka TeachMeHowToDiggie, 31, a Senior Inventory Analyst (aka works in receiving) from Chicago

Eric, 29, a Personal Trainer from LA

Fred, aka Bad Kid Fred, 27, an Executive Assistant from Dallas

• Bio Note: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Ellen DeGeneres because she seems to love what she does and people's days are brightened when they are around her. A STRAIGHT MAN ANSWERED THIS?

Grant, 29, Emergency Medicine Physician from New York

• Bio Note: What are your favorite magazines? Playboy? ;) SERIOUSLY, with the winking and all.

Iggy, aka IggyNotDiggy, 30, Consulting Firm CEO from Chicago

Jack Stone, 32, Attorney from Dallas

Jamey, ak American Psycho, 32, Sales Account Executive from Santa Monica

• Bio Note: Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends. THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.

Jedidiah, aka Masters, 35, an ER Physician from Augusta, GA

• Bio Note:  Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? Not currently. All former dogs were over ½ wolf. WHAT?

Jonathan, aka Elmo, 31, Tickle Monster from New Smyrna Beach, FL. Not. A. Job.

Josiah, aka Mike Satz (***see notes below***), 28, Prosecuting Attorney from Fort Lauderdale

Kenny, 35, a Professional Wrestler from Las Vegas

Kyle, 26, a Marketing Consultant from LA

Lee, aka Robert E. Lee, 30, a Singer/Songwriter from Nashville

Lucas, aka WHABOOM!, 30, a Whaboom from Woodside, California. NOT. A. JOB.

• Bio Note: What does your ideal mate look like? Belle (Beauty and The Beast), Cinderella, Little Mermaid … and the best, Jessica Rabbit! FREAK.

Matt, aka Happy Feet 32, a Construction Sales Rep from Meridian, CN

Michael, aka MJ, 26, Former Professional Basketball Player from Chicago. FORMER at 26? And now?

Milton, aka Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty, 31, a Hotel Recreation Supervisor from North Bay Village, FL

• Bio Note: Tattoos: Yes, inside my bottom lip. LIP TAT. RUN!

Mohit, aka Bollywood, 26, a Product Manager from San Francisco or Pacifica?

Peter, aka Badger, 31, a Business Owner from Madison, WI

Rob, aka Law Student Rob, 30, a Law Student from Houston

Will, aka Urkel, 28, a Sales Manager from Miami

Let's get some general comments on the guys from tonight's premiere:

• Blake earned his Sex Pistol nickname due to frequently bringing up sex along with his drumming aspirations. 
• Diggy has 575 pairs of shoes? What?
• ***Josiah, aka Mike Satz*** is a prosecutor from Dugan's hometown of Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  When you think of Fort Lauderdale and Broward County and Prosecutor, only one name comes to mind. Mike Satz. He's been the elected prosecutor since 4 years before I was born. I'm not young.
• Bad Kid Fred went to grade school with Rachel (cute!) and she was his counselor (creepy!)
• Adummy brought along a terrifying dummy.
• Nip Tuck loves speaking Spanish and is older than your blog authors.
• Whaboom! is annoying and not here for the right reasons.
• Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty keeps purring in Rachel's ear. 
• Rachel is already in the running for the best Bachelor/ette in years? Ever?

Dugan's Quote of the Night

Whaboom: “I feel like everyone has a little Whaboom in them”

Sex Pistol: “I have no Whaboom in me”

First Impression Rose

Nip Tuck brings the First Impresson Rose back to Sunny South Florida where Mike Satz will seek a replevin action to get what he believes was rightfully his.

Rose Ceremony Time

Badger

Will (Urkel)

Jack Stone

Jamey (America Psycho)

IggyNotDiggy

Eric

DeMario

Elmo (Jonathan)

Bryce

Alex

Kenny

Dean

Penguin

Anthony

Thor (hammer) or Zoolander (male model)

Mike Satz

Robert E. Lee

Teach me how to Diggy

Bad Kid Fred

Adummy

Sex Pistol

Whaboom!

Who are we losing?

Law School Rob

Kyle

Blake the vet

Jedidiah (Masters)

NY Doctor

Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty (Milton)