The Bachelorette Episode 1: Rachel's Reboot

Every one's favorite Texas lawyer this side of Joe Jamail (and whoever had a Joe Jamail reference in the opening paragraph, please report to Paddy Power for your long shot winnings) is back and so are Fleiss & Co! It's an exciting time to be a Bachelor/ette fan as we can actually root for the Bachelor/ette in earnest. Although, when you saw her gaggle of girls she welcomed back for a pep talk (think Trainwreck meets Bridesmaids), you did begin to wonder if she was taking this serious.

Jamail's first appearance in a Bachelor Blog

You know Rachel. I know Rachel. Everyone likes Rachel. This episode is not actually about Rachel. It's about the many men she meets. Without further ado...

Adam, aka Adummy, 27, Real Estate Agent from Dallas

• Bio Note: What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Threesome. It was my birthday. UGH.

Alex, 28, Information Systems Supervisor from Detroit

• Bio Note: What are your 3 worst attributes? Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic. YIKES. RUN.

Anthony, 26, Education Software Manager from Chicago

• Bio Note: What is your greatest achievement to date? Getting a Fulbright Grant to teach in the Ivory Coast. NOT BAD.

Blake E., aka Sex Pistol, 31, aspiring drummer from Marina del Ray

• Bio Note: Occupation: Aspiring Drummer. "Aspiring" should not be in your occupation title.
• Bio Note 2: What's the closest you have ever come to being married? I was engaged for 48 hours. THERE ARE FLAGS ALL OVER THE FIELD.

Blake K., 29, Marine Veteran from San Francisco

• Bio Note: Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran. Veteran? Retired? He’s 29? 
• Bio Note 2: Do you have to qualify that you are in the Marines of the United States as opposed to a different Marines? 

Brady, aka Zoolander or Thor, 29, Male Model from Miami

• Bio Note: Describe your top 3 least favorite things to do on a date? Paying for everything, saying goodnight, getting an Uber that doesn't speak English. YOU LIVE IN MIAMI, BRO.

Bryan, aka Nip Tuck, 37, a Chiropractor from Miami

• Bio Note: What are your three best attributes? Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart. THREE, genius.

Bryce, 30, a Firefighter from Orlando

Dean, 26, a Startup Recruiter from Venice

• Bio Note: Tattoos: Mom's initials on chest, artwork on back, friend's initials on back, "Righteous" on inner lip, Latin on hip, Triforce on inner arm. LIP TATTOO. RUN!
• Bio Note 2: What is your favorite memory from childhood? When I was very young, my family lived in a mobile home. I remember sitting on top with my brothers watching a demolition derby and eating Oreos. WHAT? His mobile home park hosted demolition derbies? I am so confused right now.
• Bio Note 3: What does being married mean to you? I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it's a life-long commitment. How romantic.

DeMario, 30, an Executive Recruiter from Century City, CA

• Bio Note: Do you like being the center of attention, or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? I won't lie, I love attention… not like '07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits. THIS CANNOT BE HIS HONEST ANSWER.

Diggy, aka TeachMeHowToDiggie, 31, a Senior Inventory Analyst (aka works in receiving) from Chicago

Eric, 29, a Personal Trainer from LA

Fred, aka Bad Kid Fred, 27, an Executive Assistant from Dallas

• Bio Note: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Ellen DeGeneres because she seems to love what she does and people's days are brightened when they are around her. A STRAIGHT MAN ANSWERED THIS?

Grant, 29, Emergency Medicine Physician from New York

• Bio Note: What are your favorite magazines? Playboy? ;) SERIOUSLY, with the winking and all.

Iggy, aka IggyNotDiggy, 30, Consulting Firm CEO from Chicago

Jack Stone, 32, Attorney from Dallas

Jamey, ak American Psycho, 32, Sales Account Executive from Santa Monica

• Bio Note: Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends. THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.

Jedidiah, aka Masters, 35, an ER Physician from Augusta, GA

• Bio Note:  Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? Not currently. All former dogs were over ½ wolf. WHAT?

Jonathan, aka Elmo, 31, Tickle Monster from New Smyrna Beach, FL. Not. A. Job.

Josiah, aka Mike Satz (***see notes below***), 28, Prosecuting Attorney from Fort Lauderdale

Kenny, 35, a Professional Wrestler from Las Vegas

Kyle, 26, a Marketing Consultant from LA

Lee, aka Robert E. Lee, 30, a Singer/Songwriter from Nashville

Lucas, aka WHABOOM!, 30, a Whaboom from Woodside, California. NOT. A. JOB.

• Bio Note: What does your ideal mate look like? Belle (Beauty and The Beast), Cinderella, Little Mermaid … and the best, Jessica Rabbit! FREAK.

Matt, aka Happy Feet 32, a Construction Sales Rep from Meridian, CN

Michael, aka MJ, 26, Former Professional Basketball Player from Chicago. FORMER at 26? And now?

Milton, aka Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty, 31, a Hotel Recreation Supervisor from North Bay Village, FL

• Bio Note: Tattoos: Yes, inside my bottom lip. LIP TAT. RUN!

Mohit, aka Bollywood, 26, a Product Manager from San Francisco or Pacifica?

Peter, aka Badger, 31, a Business Owner from Madison, WI

Rob, aka Law Student Rob, 30, a Law Student from Houston

Will, aka Urkel, 28, a Sales Manager from Miami

Let's get some general comments on the guys from tonight's premiere:

• Blake earned his Sex Pistol nickname due to frequently bringing up sex along with his drumming aspirations. 
• Diggy has 575 pairs of shoes? What?
• ***Josiah, aka Mike Satz*** is a prosecutor from Dugan's hometown of Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  When you think of Fort Lauderdale and Broward County and Prosecutor, only one name comes to mind. Mike Satz. He's been the elected prosecutor since 4 years before I was born. I'm not young.
• Bad Kid Fred went to grade school with Rachel (cute!) and she was his counselor (creepy!)
• Adummy brought along a terrifying dummy.
• Nip Tuck loves speaking Spanish and is older than your blog authors.
• Whaboom! is annoying and not here for the right reasons.
• Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty keeps purring in Rachel's ear. 
• Rachel is already in the running for the best Bachelor/ette in years? Ever?

Dugan's Quote of the Night

Whaboom: “I feel like everyone has a little Whaboom in them”

Sex Pistol: “I have no Whaboom in me”

First Impression Rose

Nip Tuck brings the First Impresson Rose back to Sunny South Florida where Mike Satz will seek a replevin action to get what he believes was rightfully his.

Rose Ceremony Time

Badger

Will (Urkel)

Jack Stone

Jamey (America Psycho)

IggyNotDiggy

Eric

DeMario

Elmo (Jonathan)

Bryce

Alex

Kenny

Dean

Penguin

Anthony

Thor (hammer) or Zoolander (male model)

Mike Satz

Robert E. Lee

Teach me how to Diggy

Bad Kid Fred

Adummy

Sex Pistol

Whaboom!

Who are we losing?

Law School Rob

Kyle

Blake the vet

Jedidiah (Masters)

NY Doctor

Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty (Milton)

The Bachelor: Likable Sean Episode 6

The real star of this episode was Banff National Park and Lake Louise. 3 dates this week as the show heads North to Canada - 2 One-on-Ones and a Group Date.

Lennay's Date with Mr. Freeze

While I don't think there was anything especially interesting on this date - OUTSIDE OF THE SNOW BUS - I do think its important to remember that Lennay was left out in the elements during a blizzard on a glacier. Did Lennay have to meet with EMTs and get medical attention? No. For those keeping score at home, this is our first glacier date since Ali left "guard and protect your heart" Kasey in Iceland? Greenland? Somewhere else where there is a glacier.

Can we get back to the Snow Bus?

Is this safe? Should Sean be driving this considering he couldn't drive a stick shift jeep with Selma? 

Later, at the ice castle, it's time for Lennay to open up with her personal story. It turns out her father passed away tragically, she suffered a terrible car accident where she was in a coma for months, only to come out of the coma and find out she had leukemia, eventually die from that leukemia, come back from the dead to have to evade danger from drug dealers, have her long time boyfriend get blown out in the national title game and lastly, become a man. (Thank you Mrs. Dugan). Oh, wait, nevermind...she witnessed her friend's far too young death. I prefer my fake version where no 12 year olds die. 

The sob story is undefeated this season and Lennay gets the rose - a red one. 

Group Polar Plunge

Tierrable (new nickname coming soon!), Righty, the General's Daughter, AshLee Top 3 (new nickname coming soon!), Selma, Abramoff, and Daniella are heading on a canoe trip followed by a plunge into near freezing glacier runoff.

This is the most physically demanding season of the Bachelor/ette ever. I have never seen the men go through such grueling dates on the Bachelorette. And one of the girls is ONE ARMED. This is getting ridiculous. They test her physically every date.

During a few weeks of teasers, we have been forewarned of a Tierrable incident due to the plunge. My issue is that there are cut-away interviews with Tierrable. Fuck. We know she survives whatever fraudulent tragedy she endured.

Selma refuses to take the plunge. Selma says no, "Call me a princess." What princess would that be? JASMINE. Duh.

Selma in desert: “ I don’t do heat.”

Selma in Canada: “I’m a warm weather person.”

Regardless, Dugan is proud that she can't be guilted or peer pressured into this moronic activity.  Abramoff, Daniella, Righty, and AshLee discuss the positives from the experience while Tierrable has a meltdown. Personally, I don't mind seeing Americans tax the Canadian healthcare system with fake healthcare scares. They call 911 down here for tylenol.

Oh, by the way, the other girls were just fine. And even Tierrable managed to recuperate in time for the evening portion of the group date. Some highlights...

• Abramoff is a frontrunner and possible bachelorette material.
• Righty busted out family pictures and it didn't go over well.
• Abramoff drops "Tierrarist" nickname becoming MY FAVORITE BACHELOR/ETTE CONTESTANT OF ALL TIME.
• Sean approves as well and gives her the rose.
• Decides to cut Righty instead of letting her linger. Minorities and handicapped are dwindling. 
• Righty bemoans, “It’s always the same.” Uh...WHAT? You always get dumped on national television during a reality dating show? Does Righty understand there are plenty of two-handed woman out there having trouble in their love lives? 

Say Yes to the Des gets put to the Test

And the intense cardio dates continue. It's repelling down a mountain time. I do give a hat tip to Fleiss & Co. for the inspirational background music nearing the climax of the climb. This duo isn't done and decide to spontaneously climb a tree. I was waiting for some "A Separate Peace" action with Sean cutting her by shaking the branch and Des out of the tree. 

Alas, it's time for a Tee-pee nightcap. I never pictured tee-pees being this large. It was larger than my first home. Say Yes to the Des decides to bring up her personal drama and it opened the door for my first recommendation for quote of the year. Growing up, due to stressful economic conditions, she and her family lived in a tent for months at a time. And a fifth wheel. And a small apartment. A small apartment? The horror, the horror.

Des: “I opened up about living in a tent, and here I am, falling in love in a tee-pee.”

Rose Ceremony during an incredible Michigan/Ohio State game

• Lennay, Abramoff, and Say Yes have Roses.
• Righty is gone.
• Selma kisses to make up for missing the plunge.
• Dugan figured out who AshLee has been remminding him of the entire damn season. She is this matronly but attractive, really odd person with a mixed up past of abandonement. AshLee is Gillian Darmody.
• Gen Daughter gets rose #4.
• Gillian Darmody gets rose #5.
• The Tierrarist gets the Final Rose.
• Selma and Daniella gone. Neither had a nickname. Everyone left has a nickname.

Next week will bring the ladies out of the cold and to the US Virgin Islands.