Episode III: The Bachelor Eliminates the Blondes who will not be the next Bachelorette

Luckily, it’s early in the season and I probably haven’t ruined the episode for you yet. This week’s blog, like the show itself, will hit a groove now that it is week 3 and the ladies are no longer strangers.

Nanny Ashley “Seals” the Deal

Dugan is not above bad puns and Brad and the Nanny showed they are not above public embarrassment on the first one-on-one of the episode. Brad and his Nanny travel to Studio A at Capitol Records to perform the 1994 hit, Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose.”  Just food for thought, but 15 of the original 30 Ladies were Ten Years old or younger when Seal’s hit helped Val Kilmer usher in Batman Forever.

Brad and his Nanny predictably butcher the song, but Mr. Klum saves the day and helps Ashley seal a rose. Ashley’s tattoo count is listed at 0, but this may be due to most states’ laws against tattooing minors (that’s what she said!). I am not buying that Ashley is 26. My guess is 13. Helping me is the fact that she had on Silly Bands.

In a recurring theme this season, the Nanny has daddy issues.

The Ho Movie, a.k.a. “Love Hurts”

Director Steven Ho (do yourself a favor and read his Wikipedia) gathered Brad and a large group of ladies for some more fake movie making. We have Malibu Shark Attach Teacher Lindsey, Step*Daddy Car Dealership Chantal, Young Alli, Food Writer Britt, Dugan’s Guarantee to leave until she does Kimberly, No Date Sarah, 6 Feet Under Shawntel, Dentist Ashley, Lisa (who I decided applied for Beauty and the Geek but was mistakenly cast on the Bachelor), Bartender Stacey, Sporty Spice Marissa and C.E.M.#II (Crazy Eyes Michelle #II for those that did not read the comments from last week’s blog, also pronounced “Chem 2” like in high school).

Despite the movie making, the date did not bring much drama until the Wrap Party. Chantal told us about her Daddy Issues,

C.E.M.#II’s crazy picked up speed with an awkward presence during Alli’s sit down with Brad, but Shawntel’s acting earned the rose. Back at the house, Artist Jackie, Bachelorette Emily, Nanny Ashley, Twilight and Bad Shoes Rising were having a girls night…all drinking Red Wine except Nanny who opted for a Shirley Temple. Mrs. Dugan had a good eye and pointed out that our next Bachelorette Emily was wearing Pajama Jeans for a discussion about her fiancé’s death and subsequent revelation that she was pregnant with his baby.

This is how Twilight summed up the night:

The Bachelor takes out the Bachelorette on a One-on-One

Despite some very questionable decision making by the producers to put Emily in a Pilatus, Brad and the Bachelorette have a very nice date at Cambria Winery as Mrs. Dugan and I try to figure out how the producers are going to have Emily exit the show. (For the record, Mrs. Dugan says it will involve her missing her daughter, further entrenching her as America’s favorite Coal Miner’s Daughter and setting up the best ratings in Bachelorette history).

Brad continues his Forest Gumpian/Dumb & Dumber “I like her a lot” but gives three “lots” this time. You may recall Dentist Ashley was only two “lot” hot in Brad’s first one-on-one of the season. No doubt Emily is 3 lot hot and secures the rose. Meanwhile, back at the house, Twilight can’t shake how real shit has gotten.

Guess Who’s Coming to the Rose Ceremony?

Bradmund Freud!!! He meets with his L.A. Therapist to learn Jedi mind tricks to get the girls to open up. Brad learns that he must open his heart and become vulnerable if he wants the girls to come in. Brad decides to open up at the rose ceremony.

Brad has to be careful for what he wishes for. His new open self leads to Alli presenting her own Daddy Issues (this is getting ridiculous). Stepdaddy Car Dealer Chantal and Brad have some chemistry and their solid time together was interrupted (I give you one guess) by C.E.M.#II. C.E.M.#II seems to be confused by the show she is on. She wants “Brad’s side” of why he kissed other girls Shawntel and Chantal.

Here’s Dugan’s take: HE’S THE FUCKING BACHELOR.

This is a good time to bring up C.E.M.#IIs crazy quotes of the week:

1. Her feelings on the other girls: “I’m not gonna lie, I hate them.”
2. Her thoughts on the other girls’chances: “Pack your bags, get your plane tickets booked…farewell, goodbye. He is mine. He is mine.”
3. Her plans for Brad in Tahiti: “Practice making babies.”

The Coal Miner’s Daughter was conspicuously absent from the Cocktail Party. Was she filming promos for the Bachelorette?

Who Gets Kissed From a Rose?

The Nanny, 6 Feet Under and the Bachelorette are safe.

• C.E.M.#II gets a rose.
• Step Daddy Dealer Chantal is next.

BOOM. Twilight exits the building. She was never able to recover from Emily’s tragic story. Shit just got real.

• Lisa moves on and thinks she is one step closer to having Brad be her prom date.
• Artist Jackie
• Dentist Ashley
• Sporty Spice Marissa
• Food Writer Britt
• Alli
• Malibu Shark Attack Lindsey
• Bad Shoes Rising
• Bartender Stacey

No Date Sarah and Dugan’s Guarantee to leave until she does Kimberly join Twilight on Blond Farewell night. DGTLUSD Kimberly gave a great exit interview: “Fuck Brad. His Loss.” Malibu Shark Attack and Food Writer Britt better watch out as the remaining red head/blond (Bachelorette excluded because the Producers have to drag her appearance a little longer to up her Q rating.)

Till next week, ladies and gentlemen.