The Bachelorette: Dorfman's Last Dance

It's great to be back, but first a recommendation. Fans of WWT and The Bachelor/ette: read the bios. It’s great material. We have professional athletes, soccer players, Drake fans, ambiguously straight bros and a black Jewish guy. The most interesting jobs include a pantsapreneur, helicopter pilot, bartender, wedding coordinator. I want to see a WWF steel cage match between the helicopter pilot, bartender and wedding coordinator against Harrison, Fleiss and Neil Lane. What would that look like? I will satisfy that curiosity, friends.

Macho Man Fleiss would end this fight in one round if Andi didn't take care of 2/3 of the Bachelor Tag Team on her own. For the love of Rod Carew, let’s get started!

Andi's Atlanta

Fleiss and Co are keeping up the charade that Ms. Dorfman is some crime fighting badass. Ms. Dorfman was admitted to the Georgia Bar on November 5, 2012. Filming for JP's season began September 17, 2013. With a hat tip to Wags, I'd venture that Ms. Dorfman practiced as much law as the dental student Ashley fixed teeth.

Regardless, her name is Dorfman and her father may be the actual Dorfman. 

Disprove:

Let's Meet the Bros

This season is going to be pretty brotastic. There are many questions but none more important than this: Will Neil Lane get his bachelor groove back? Let's buckle up, enjoy the ride, and pray for Neil.

Limo #1

• We have nervous Marcus from Canada, the sports medicine managing Canadian. He will be known moving forward as "Gosling"
• Chris the Iowa farmer, now known as "John Deere"
• JJ, the pantsaprenuer who enjoys the movie "Wet Hot American Summer," a Dugan favorite, "Dockers"
• Marquel, the California cookie man, "Famous Amos"
• Tasos, the Denver wedding coordinator, "Tacos"

 Limo #2

• Cody, a Chicago personal trainer pushed the limo, popped the collar on his jacket and became "The Albino Rhino"
• Steven is "Snowboard Steve." Steve, your nickname sucks which usually doesn't bode well.
• Rudie, aka "Attorney Rudie" (see above) tried some “fun attorney humor” out of the limo. THERE IS NO SUCH THING. 

• Carl is a firefighter from South Florida and a Dugan favorite simply for those two reasons.
• Jason is a doctor in the mold of Domer Dr. Larry from the last Bachelorette season. We'll call him "Ace" and hope to meet "Gary" later.

Limo #3

• Nick B. has 10 siblings, gets the first impression rose in an upset and is "Hans"
• Note: If you have watched the movie Frozen 1232 times like I have, you understand why this name is funny and fits.
• Dylan is a 26 year old accountant from Mass and a Mrs. Dugan pick to go far (along with Carl)
• Patrick plays soccer and is "Frat Bro 2"
• Emil. Oh, Emil. I have a client named Emil. He pronounces his name “Eh meal.” It's simple. People don't mess it up. Our friend Emil on the Bachelor pronounces it "Anal" but with an "M." We'll call him "Anal" with an "N."
• Brett comes out of the limo with a lamp and I immediately lost interest. He's a hairstylist and in honor of Vidal Sassoon from last season will be named "Paul Mitchell"

Limo 4

• Craig comes out popping bottles and you have to like that
• Ron's a black guy from Israel so he's "Rod Carew"
• Bradley's an opera singer...well, this one's easy. "Opera Man"

• Josh B is a Denver telemarketer and should be sent home immediately just for being that. There should be a first impression rose and a first elimination carnation. He's excited, we aren't.

Golf Cart #1

• Nick S. is a pro golfer from Florida nka "Ty Webb"

Limo #5

• Brian's a Pennsylvania basketball coach. Oh, do you coach the Sixers? No. St. Joe's? No. Temple? No. UPenn? No. La Salle? No. Villanova? No. Wait, really? Can you say that you are a "Coach" if its at the elementary school level? Wouldn't saying "teacher" be better? 

Regardless, a great nickname can get you far, "Coach"

• Andrew pulled the "Andrew and Andi" cute card, I gagged and will call him "Frat Bro 1"
• Mike has long hair and people call him "Camps.” I call him "Gary" as he belongs with Ace. 
• Eric gives Andi some "Andes" mountain dolls
• Josh M is a former pro baseball player that now lives in Atlanta

Cocktail Hour Highlights

There was not much time shown between Andi and the guys so we will have to hit the highlights:

• Josh M is her type but she has to find out if he's there for the right reasons. Man, that didn't take long.
• Fantastic editing by Fleiss & Co. when Andi leads with "maybe my type's gonna change" and they cut to the next scene with Andi and Famous Amos sitting together.
• Famous Amos also gave her a black and white cookie and he's my favorite person on the show by far.
• Chris B from Emily's season tried to show up and Andi shuts him down. No appeals would be heard. It was a big time blow to the face. Where? IN DA FACE.

• Opera Man sings (you don't say?)
• Frat Bro 1 and Frat Bro 2 realize they have a ton in common and are really into each other
• Despite what she says, John Deere is going to have an uphill battle convincing Dorfman into the rural life
• Gosling drops a line of Polish and German, disclaims any proficiency but gets a "he's so worldly" from Andi.
• In the upset, Hans gets the first impression rose and we'll have to keep our eyes out for the False Protagonist turn sure to come later in the season

It’s Rose Time and Hans is Safe

1. Dockers
2. Eric
3. Famous Amos
4. Champagne Craig
5. Tacos
6. Josh
7. Coach
8. Opera Man
9. Gosling
10. Frat Bro 1
11. Rod Carew
12. Firefighter Carl
13. John Deere
14. Dylan 
15. Paul Mitchell
16. Frat Bro 2
17. The Albino Rhino
18. Ty Webb

The Cut List

1. Attorney Rudie
2. Anal
3. Snowboard Steve
4. Ace 
5. Gary
6. Josh B

Ace wants to know if something could have changed his chances? Mrs. Dugan and I tried to count what could have changed his luck.

1. Don't wear an awful tie - the only way you could get away with that color is if you were standing up and the bridesmaids had that color
2. Cut your hair. You are in your later 30s. No excuses, Dr.
3. Change your personality. Admittedly more difficult, but would have helped.
4. And the fact you probably don’t like women

So long Ace and Gary....we hardly knew ya.