The Bachelorette Episode 9: Fantasy Suite Nights in Thailand

Hello friends. We are back to finish off last week’s hometown with Cool Hand Luke’s last stand. I have a confession. One of my favorite parts of this blog is when nicknames chosen on night one prove prescient. We have that with Cool Hand Luke’s exit tonight. The movie, Cool Hand Luke, is most widely known today for a quote which begins with "What we've got here is failure to communicate…" 

Cool Hand Luke’s failure to communicate his feelings with JoJo leaves us with a trip to Thailand with the final three: Chase Needs a Nickname, Swimmer Robby and QB4. JoJo has admitted she has strong feelings for two and questions whether she can get up to three by the end of this episode. The bar is set, Fleiss & Co.. You have brought us Bachelor/ettes agonizing over a final two. Is it finally going to happen? Are we going full Big Love and have JoJo fall in love with 3 men at the same time?!?

Swimmer Robby & the Crazy Market

Swimmer Robby gets first crack at JoJo and they walk around a local Thai market. They endure a thunderstorm that could even scare Floridian Robby and relax with a pedicure. Overall, a fairly banal bachelor date. We get to dinner which leads to the fantasy suite offer and acceptance.

Next, we wake up with Robby and JoJo in their afterglow. I am always uncomfortable with the post-fantasy suite morning scenes. It feels like cameras should not be in that room. Nevertheless, Fleiss & Co. know what the people want.

Hut, Hut Hike with QB4

We begin the date with the running embrace. Cue Mrs. Dugan’s nausea. I’ll admit this is awful while also admitting I instagramed a shot of the Dugan kids with a running embrace just last week.

QB4 and JoJo endure a physical date with a hike to a hidden temple amidst some beautiful caves. I like QB4 and JoJo as a couple. They appear to have a real relationship. The other guys simply try to say what they think JoJo wants to hear. QB4 asks real questions. He asks about her family and her likes/dislikes. Instead of trying to prove himself, he is actually interested in getting to know JoJo. It’s clear he’s the frontrunner and her favorite. It’s also clear that Fleiss & Co. have pegged him as the next Bachelor. She cannot pick him and it will lead to drama.

QB4 has already started to flip the script. When together, it appears as if JoJo is already on QB4’s season. Dugan prediction alert! QB4 is the next Bachelor and JoJo will return as a contestant on HIS season after her pick of the Swimmer ends abruptly. We get another fantasy suite and awkward morning shots.

Chasing JoJo

Chase and JoJo have fun with some fish and end up on a beach date. I stopped paying attention while I started to think about the most famous “Chases” of all time. Here’s what I came up with:

Chase Utley – 6 time all star, bats left, throws right, raises money for PETA and played himself in an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Chase Paw Patrol – the lead dog in a pack of dogs known as the "PAW Patrol". They work together on rescue missions to protect the city of Adventure Bay.

Chase Budinger – NBA player who was an absolute baller at Arizona

Chevy Chase –  comedic actor who is best known for his appearances on Saturday Night Live and his starring roles in the films Caddyshack and Fletch.

Salmon P. Chase – As Secretary of the Treasury under Lincoln, Salmon P. Chase implemented the National Banking Act and was the sixth chief justice of the Supreme Court. Salmon?

Samuel Chase – impeached Supreme Court Justice

Blues Brother Chase – if you've seen it, you know it.

Best Chase?

Chase Utley

Chase Budinger

Salmon P. Chase

Chevy Chase

Samuel Chase

Chase from Paw Patrol

Blues Brothers Chase

quiz creator

Woah! I need to start paying attention again as Chase begins to profess his love in the fantasy suite. It isn’t mutual and she’s going to cut him right here. We get our first FANTASY SUITE CUT of all time!!!

HISTORY is made in the ashes of Chase’s dignity.

JoJo: “I don’t know if I’m in the same place as you.”

Chase puts drink down.

Chase: “I get the point.”

This is some serious rejection and Chase keeps bringing the quotes!

“Jumped over a hurdle and skewered.”

“Now love = GTFO”

“That’s like pull your pants down and getting kicked in the nuts.”

Without Robby, we have a 2-Rose Rose Ceremony with only QB4 and Swimmer Robby remaining.

2 Men. 2 Roses. No one goes. They will be Bros. I’m all out of prose.

The Bachelorette Episode 8: A Home Run

The title of this post reminded me that we are near the end of the season, yet we are only on episode 8.  Assuming each episode represents about 1 week, that means JoJo and her swoopy-haired suitors have only known each other for 2 months....max. And in a few weeks, one of the swoops will be proposing marriage!  I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!  Okay.  Mint chip and Dewars tonight because I deserve this.  

On to the show.  Let's see who has a weird sibling/parent/friend/dog...

Hometown #1: Colorado with Chase Needs A Nickname

Though Aaron Rodgers plays in the frozen tundra, Chase lives in a frozen tundra.  

Welcome to Colorado

Chase revealed that his parents' divorce included lawsuits.  Too real.  Let's look at Chase's marble countertops instead.

Chase's dad came over for a visit, but Chase "doesn't see his dad very often." But he was really excited to see him on the show:

Chase's dad has "several stepchildren."  Does Chase know how many step-siblings he has?  Several seems like anywhere between 3 and 6.  If you asked me how many 2nd cousins I have, I might say several.  If you ask me how many brothers I have, I say 1.  And his name is JOE!  

The evening position of the date was with Chase's real family (Mom, Stepdad, Sister, Brother-in-Law, and Nephew.)  Chase's brother-in-law is totally bald...so I love him.  

Chase's family had a ski-lift converted into a backyard bench.  Okay, Colorado, that's pretty cool.  

Chase's mom told JoJo, "If you're not having fun, you need to have fun."  While simple, I guess I kind of agree.  

Chase and his sister had a heart-to-heart about how badly their dad treated them, making it difficult to say the word "love."  Bring in Chris Harrison; we need to have a therapy session with the Needs a Nickname family.  

Chase's mom reports to Chase that JoJo is great because she "loves dogs and hates fish."  Apparently, this feeling was shared with Chase's mom.  As a former fish tank owner and pet store employee, I strongly disagree.  

Chase, as required by Fleiss and Co., told JoJo he's falling in love with her.  

Hometown #2: California with QB4

JoJo arrived in California, saw some deer, and went to QB4's high school.  This Bachelor(ette) tradition of going back to your high school is pretty strange.  I LOVED high school, and I have probably been back to my high school one time for my one brother's graduation.  

QB4 says he didn't have a high school sweetheart.  I said that seems hard to believe.  Mrs. Wags thinks he might have had a high school "sweet him."  

As we all know by now, Aaron Rodgers, one of the several Rodgers brothers, is the outcast.  And the reason is pretty obvious:

Hint: it's not swoopy.

If you thought QB4 had big hair, check out Luke's girlfriend, JonBenet:

The visit was very strange because JoJo couldn't stop talking about Aaron Rodgers.  

I don't even know where to go with this date summary.  It ended.  So that's that.  

Mrs. Wags' take:  He keeps trying to convince us that he's in love with her.  She doesn't trust him.  He doesn't love her.  And then you bring JonBenet into the whole thing, and you lose all focus.  And by the way, did you know his brother is Aaron Rodgers?  See, there you go.  I'll help you out.

Hometown #3: Florida with Swimmer Robby

Continuing with my hair obsession, it seems like Swimmy is doing some black magic with that hairline.  Maybe all the time in the swim cap did permanent damage?

JoJo expressed concern that Swimmer was with his last girlfriend for 4 years and then broke up with her 3 months ago.  By any math, that's too recently.

None of Swimmer's family matters except his mom:

Also, it's a good thing Dugan lives in Florida.  Are double-walled, wine-glass-in-plastic-cup insulated barware a Florida thing?  The Swimmer family seemed pretty into these.  While wildly functional, we don't see these too often while wine tasting in the Valley.  

Swimmer's mom broke the news that there are some rumors that Swimmer's ex-girlfriend's roommate's brother's mother's cousin is spreading rumors that Swimmer broke up with her to go on the show.  Swimmer tried to get ahead of the rumor mill by letting JoJo know about the rumors.  When asked if there was any truth to the rumors, Swimmer replied:

Swimmer's date ended.  He's nervous that he blew it.  

Hometown #4: Texas with Cool Hand Luke

JoJo loves being back in Texas, Cool Hand's quiet confidence, and his serial killer eyes (in that order).  

Cool Hand drove JoJo to his house in his Chevy truck.  It seemed like a commercial for Chevy.  But Fleiss and Co. would never do in-show advertising, so Cool Hand must just be a Chevy guy.  

Scott Baio!!!

Cool Hand hosted a barbecue with his parents, his sister, and 50 friends (i.e. the entire town). 

Cool Hand and his family seem pretty normal.  Texans sometimes fool you into thinking that it might be fun to live in Texas:

Deep down, we all know Waco is a dump

Cool Hand's date also ended. As expected.

Rose Ceremony

The Rose Ceremony took place in an airplane hangar.  Why not, right?  When you're Chris Harrison, you can do anything.

Before the ceremony, JoJo told the cameras that she would get rid of Cool Hand Luke.  Cool Hand asked for a word before the rose ceremony.  He professed his love, and JoJo started taking a stroll around the hangar while having a good cry.  I hope you like the hangar because this episode is to...be...continued!

Like they always say, life isn't all blueberries and paper airplanes.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Getting to Home

We pick back up with the Bachelorette in Buenos Aires. Full Disclosure: Tim convinced me to watch with Whisky. It really helped me get through the show. But, it has NOT helped me turn my notes into a coherent blog. However, we need to forge ahead as hometown dates are around the corner and we are left with 6 men and must end this episode with 4, 

Who’s left? Sweet Baby James, Chase Needs a Nickname, Marine DeVito, QB4, Swimmer Robby, and Cool Hand Luke…but let’s be honest. We all know QB4, Swimmer Robby and Cool Hand Luke are getting hometowns.

Marine DeVito gets a Boost

Marine DeVito rides with JoJo as the remaining men take a bus across Argentina. MD and JoJo do not appear to have much chemistry but at least he’s not rapping like the five honkeys on the bus….OH GOD WHY DID I SAY THAT?!? Marine DeVito flaunts has freestyle chops and demands JoJo give him something to rap about:

JoJo: “Me!”

Marine DeVito: “YoYo JoJo gots to go to the Liquor Sto.”

A small part of me just imagined a parallel universe where the BLM is actually protesting these 6 guys trying to rap. You know what isn’t a good sign for Marine DeVito’s chances? He walked out dressed as a Gaucho and she laughed at him. Short people love to be called short. JoJo: “You are a cute little gaucho.” By the way, if you do a google image search of “Midget Gauchos,” you can get into an internet wormhole. 

All we need is an opening and Fleiss & Co. are going to put him out of his misery. The hints have been there. (Yes, I’m ignoring that odd horse whisperer).

Marine DeVito delivered up a meatball and JoJo might as well have been GianJoJo Stanton.

MD: “Tonight is one of the happiest moments of my life…” Then, he professes his undying love.

JoJo: “I don’t feel as excited as I should be…”

Goodbye Marine DeVito

QB4, Wine and Rogers Family Drama

Having been on a winery tour with Ms. Dugan, Tim and Mrs. Wags…this private jet winery tour is a big yawn. They crush grape with their feet and then drink it. Why? Is this how it’s done?

QB4 explains that he’ll meet his parents and brother and then his brother’s dog, Carl Weathers. You could tell that JoJo was upset she isn’t going to become besties with Olivia Munn. It appears Aaron Rodgers’ protection has broken down since his brother just blindsided him on national tv.

Then, we get a gem from QB4: “I could have kept playing but football didn’t define me.”

Robby, Chase, Sweet Baby James and the Rain Out Date

Ok, it’s getting late and I was mostly watching Stanton demolish the ball all over Petco.

· Sweet Baby James pounded a plate full of fried.
· The guys started massaging each other. No. Really.
· Pictionary and Truth and Dare made an appearance.
· James calls out Swimmer Robby for ogling other women.
· Swimmer Robby still secured the rose and will get a hometown date.

Cool Hand Luke, Guns, and the Quick Draw Rose Ceremony

They were set to have a nice date with some horseback riding and skeet shooting. After a couple shots, JoJo wanted to cut to the chase.

Robby is safe. QB4 and Cool Hand Luke feels safe. They are. Chase is joining them.

Goodbye Sweet Baby James.

Just yesterday evening, they let me know you were gone.

James, the plans Fleiss made put an end to you.

I walked out this morning and I wrote down this blog,

I just can't remember who reads it too.

I've seen fire and I've seen rain.

I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.

I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,

But I always thought that I'd see you again.

Won't you look down upon me, Chris,

You've got to help me make a stand.

You've just got to see me through another day.

My body's aching and my time is at hand

And I won't make it any other way.

Oh, I've seen Jake and I've seen Vienna.

I've seen dates that I thought would never end.

I've seen Bachelor Pad when I could not find a friend,

But I always thought that I'd see James again...