The Bachelor Episode 9: Fuck all of this.

This show loves hype. It loves to over-hype. Last night's episode was the exact opposite. I don't think they could have hyped this episode enough. They literally destroyed a man on television for America's entertainment. It helps that he's kind of a man-child doofus, but I also think it helps because they have been making women look awful for decades. It was time for payback. 

Lots of Virgin Talk

But about virginity

Before we get to the climax of the episode (see what I did there?), we have to discuss the rest of the boring details. Chris and Colton discuss Colton's willingness to lose his virginity during the fantasy suite dates. It's obvious he has thought about this waaaaay too much. It's also pretty obvious he is not going to kick the tires on all 3 ladies, but is singular in his mindset. We head off to Algarve, Portugal and Colton says the least surprising quote of the night: "I've never been to Europe."

Tay Tay and the Lighthouse

The date begins with a regular Bachelor/ette statement regarding Colton "planning the date" for the two of them. It has never been less believable than said by Colton. I assume Colton only has slip on shoes because laces confuse him. We do get the Bachelor obligatory helicopter date and hearken back to the greatest exit in bachelor history, the ice shelf dagger. They have numerous awkward discussions that touch on Colton's virginity including Portugal's exports of "virgin olive oil", his lack of flexibility "because he's a virgin". During dinner, he is focused primarily on Tay Tay's wardrobe malfunction. 

I am starting to think Colton's virginity may not be randon, surprising, or his choice. Despite spending the night in the fantasy suite, Colton and Tay Tay "didn’t have the physical intimacy [she] would have wanted…” Enough said, Tay Tay, enough said. Colton, if you are reading this blog, that means you didn't have sex.

Did Colton have sex yet?

Teacher Cassie's Fireworks

As this date began, they sped around Portugal countryside in a vintage Mercedes, fed each other in a market, danced in the street and bought matching Pajamas. My bachelor notes literally read as follows: How many times can you blog the word “Ugh!”

The day was going Bachelor/ette perfectly until Cassie's dad was brought up. Point of order! Did you notice that Colton didn't ask the fathers for their blessing but for their permission? More fodder for the "Colton is a big 12 year old" argument. Don't worry, Papa Cass (which incidentally may be my favorite nickname ever) shows up in Portugal to relieve Cassie of her sadness and give his blessing end Colton's life. Papa Cass asks whether she loves Colton: “I think I do.” This was literally the least believable moment on screen since Juliette Lewis apologized to Luke Wilson for the gang bang in Old School.

We, the viewer, knows what's going to happen. We know Cassie is going to deliver the death blow. At the same time, the producers are showing Colton's anticipation level rising. He thinks he's about to lose his virginity and he is getting dumped instead. We cannot look away from the trainwreck happening before us.

When they get together, Cassie is trying to tip toe around the obvious when it finally hits Colton: “Are you planning on leaving tonight…”

I've been dumped. It happens. It sucks. Listen to Chuck and Josh explain the Science of Break-Ups if you want more details on the subject. But the Bachelor/ette is not supposed to get dumped this late in the season. In fact, two Bachelors dumped the girl they picked in the season FINALE prior to the recap show. This cruelty has been happening for years, but the shoe is now on the other foot. Watching him grovel had to feel good for Mrs. Mesnick and Becca. Watching him literally shake felt less good. It did not look like I was watching an adult get dumped. I felt like a freshman got dumped the night before homecoming. He was so emotional. So distraught. So blindsided. How can you be this blindsided when you are literally dating three women at the same time?

Colton's comments:

1. "Did you already made a decision..."
2. "The last thing I’m gonna do is walk away from this relationship…"
3. "I'm willing to to give up the engagement…"
4. "I love you..."
5. "I want a future with you..."
6. "I want it to be you..."

Hey, Colton, let me take these in order as I play Cassie:

1. "Yes."
2. "You do you, boo."
3. "And?"
4. "I'm really, sorry" in the style of Juliette Lewis.
5. "You can watch next season."
6. "See #4."

To sum up the answers, 1-6, Cassie dropped the QOTN: “I feel like staying here is making the wrong decision for me.” Well, that's the most definitive thing she said all year.

Colton's response? “Fuck all of this. I’m done. I’m done with all of this.”

The Bachelorette Episode 9: Overnights in Thailand

Becca begins the episode admitting she is in love with two men and falling in love with a third. She then breaks down her relationship with the three remaining men:

Fav Garrett

• He received the first impression rose and has been the favorite from start to finish, 
• She is clearly attracted to him but is concerned he won't be willing to commit so soon after his first marriage failed so spectacularly 

Sr. Banker Jason

• He got off to a slow start, but he is closing strong.
• She has no doubts they would be best friends (is Jason in the friend zone?)

Like Blake

• Becca says she's most like herself around Like Blake (good sign!)
• Their relationship is effortless.

Like Blake & Becca visit a Monk

The Monk

Like Blake and Becca visit a sacred temple where they must respect the grounds by not kissing/touching one another. Most couples that are not teenagers could do this with less complaining. However, the trip was not all in vain. Buddhist Monks drop some knowledge on what it takes to make a relationship work:

Honesty  

Ability to Adjust/Adapt

Patience

Giving 

These monks have given better advice on love in five minutes than this show has managed in two decades. But did you get a good view of the monk?

Later that night, Like Blake is like breaking under the pressure. In a tried and true issue, Blake is having trouble with his girlfriend simultaneously dating two other guys. He can’t take that she is dating other guys. Nevertheless, she offers the Fantasy Suite invite since that's like, inevitable, during this episode. Like Blake has Becca's heart and the inside track to one of the final roses.

The Buffalo Banker heads to Bangkok

Ok, so they didn't go to Bangkok, but I needed the B for alliteration. And they are in Thailand. Close enough. Its like Dugan telling people he's from Miami since that's way easier than explaining Fort Lauderdale to someone from Minnesota. Sr. Banker Jason and Becca walk around Thai markets and eat bugs. The banker seems at ease, comfortable, even confidant. 

Then comes the margin call. Becca makes an offhand comment about their future together and it hits her like a ton of bricks. She realizes that she isn't picking Jason. Tim has told us all along this would happen. Jason is who she would end up with in real life, so you don't go on a show to end up with the same guy. 

In a related note, Mrs. Dugan assures me that Sr. Banker’s hair disqualifies him from being the Bachelor/ette. Obviously she didn't read my thoughts on the Barry Melrose-esque hair of Sr. Banker. 

Barry Melrose for next Bachelor!

Dinner is not going well for the Senior Banker. Tim's prediction is coming true and Becca is cutting him without a Fantasy Suite invite. Harsh, but I respect the move, Becca.  Becca admits he’s a great guy and that she usually dates terrible people. Ugh. Gut punch for the banker. 

America, don't feel bad for Sr. Banker Jason. Do you realize his dating prospects in the greater Seattle area are now off the charts? Becca is left between the misogynist and the high school kid. Jason's going to do just fine with all the sympathy ass he can handle. 

Garrett and Becca go Bamboo rafting with all of Thailand

Becca and Garrett begin a relaxing thai bamboo rafting trip. Looks like the advance team for Fleiss & co. didn't find out it was a Thai national holiday and the river was PACKED! It looked cool...almost as cool as Becca and Garrett ending the day drinking Thai 40s. Good for you!

But with Thai beer

Becca and Garrett return to the resort to an outdoor dinner and chat. I imagine Like Blake staring at them from his room balcony in tears. Garrett is saying all the right things. I know he's in sales, but he is saying everything that Becca wants to hear. It's almost like he is being given lines from Rom-Coms and she doesn't realize it.

As Mrs. Dugan and I discuss how much of these lines are being fed by producers, Garrett states the following: “Becca makes me want to be a better man!”

Wait, that’s literally from a movie.

Sr. Banker Jason comes back for one more gut punch. People think he's a glutton for punishment. I think he is just securing the sympathy ass in the greater Seattle area.

All on purpose.

The Anti-Climactic Rose Ceremony ends with two roses for two men. Until next week's finale!

The Bachelorette Episode 9: Fantasy Suite Nights in Thailand

Hello friends. We are back to finish off last week’s hometown with Cool Hand Luke’s last stand. I have a confession. One of my favorite parts of this blog is when nicknames chosen on night one prove prescient. We have that with Cool Hand Luke’s exit tonight. The movie, Cool Hand Luke, is most widely known today for a quote which begins with "What we've got here is failure to communicate…" 

Cool Hand Luke’s failure to communicate his feelings with JoJo leaves us with a trip to Thailand with the final three: Chase Needs a Nickname, Swimmer Robby and QB4. JoJo has admitted she has strong feelings for two and questions whether she can get up to three by the end of this episode. The bar is set, Fleiss & Co.. You have brought us Bachelor/ettes agonizing over a final two. Is it finally going to happen? Are we going full Big Love and have JoJo fall in love with 3 men at the same time?!?

Swimmer Robby & the Crazy Market

Swimmer Robby gets first crack at JoJo and they walk around a local Thai market. They endure a thunderstorm that could even scare Floridian Robby and relax with a pedicure. Overall, a fairly banal bachelor date. We get to dinner which leads to the fantasy suite offer and acceptance.

Next, we wake up with Robby and JoJo in their afterglow. I am always uncomfortable with the post-fantasy suite morning scenes. It feels like cameras should not be in that room. Nevertheless, Fleiss & Co. know what the people want.

Hut, Hut Hike with QB4

We begin the date with the running embrace. Cue Mrs. Dugan’s nausea. I’ll admit this is awful while also admitting I instagramed a shot of the Dugan kids with a running embrace just last week.

QB4 and JoJo endure a physical date with a hike to a hidden temple amidst some beautiful caves. I like QB4 and JoJo as a couple. They appear to have a real relationship. The other guys simply try to say what they think JoJo wants to hear. QB4 asks real questions. He asks about her family and her likes/dislikes. Instead of trying to prove himself, he is actually interested in getting to know JoJo. It’s clear he’s the frontrunner and her favorite. It’s also clear that Fleiss & Co. have pegged him as the next Bachelor. She cannot pick him and it will lead to drama.

QB4 has already started to flip the script. When together, it appears as if JoJo is already on QB4’s season. Dugan prediction alert! QB4 is the next Bachelor and JoJo will return as a contestant on HIS season after her pick of the Swimmer ends abruptly. We get another fantasy suite and awkward morning shots.

Chasing JoJo

Chase and JoJo have fun with some fish and end up on a beach date. I stopped paying attention while I started to think about the most famous “Chases” of all time. Here’s what I came up with:

Chase Utley – 6 time all star, bats left, throws right, raises money for PETA and played himself in an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Chase Paw Patrol – the lead dog in a pack of dogs known as the "PAW Patrol". They work together on rescue missions to protect the city of Adventure Bay.

Chase Budinger – NBA player who was an absolute baller at Arizona

Chevy Chase –  comedic actor who is best known for his appearances on Saturday Night Live and his starring roles in the films Caddyshack and Fletch.

Salmon P. Chase – As Secretary of the Treasury under Lincoln, Salmon P. Chase implemented the National Banking Act and was the sixth chief justice of the Supreme Court. Salmon?

Samuel Chase – impeached Supreme Court Justice

Blues Brother Chase – if you've seen it, you know it.

Best Chase?

Chase Utley

Chase Budinger

Salmon P. Chase

Chevy Chase

Samuel Chase

Chase from Paw Patrol

Blues Brothers Chase

quiz creator

Woah! I need to start paying attention again as Chase begins to profess his love in the fantasy suite. It isn’t mutual and she’s going to cut him right here. We get our first FANTASY SUITE CUT of all time!!!

HISTORY is made in the ashes of Chase’s dignity.

JoJo: “I don’t know if I’m in the same place as you.”

Chase puts drink down.

Chase: “I get the point.”

This is some serious rejection and Chase keeps bringing the quotes!

“Jumped over a hurdle and skewered.”

“Now love = GTFO”

“That’s like pull your pants down and getting kicked in the nuts.”

Without Robby, we have a 2-Rose Rose Ceremony with only QB4 and Swimmer Robby remaining.

2 Men. 2 Roses. No one goes. They will be Bros. I’m all out of prose.