The Bachelor Episode 9: Fuck all of this.

This show loves hype. It loves to over-hype. Last night's episode was the exact opposite. I don't think they could have hyped this episode enough. They literally destroyed a man on television for America's entertainment. It helps that he's kind of a man-child doofus, but I also think it helps because they have been making women look awful for decades. It was time for payback. 

Lots of Virgin Talk

But about virginity

Before we get to the climax of the episode (see what I did there?), we have to discuss the rest of the boring details. Chris and Colton discuss Colton's willingness to lose his virginity during the fantasy suite dates. It's obvious he has thought about this waaaaay too much. It's also pretty obvious he is not going to kick the tires on all 3 ladies, but is singular in his mindset. We head off to Algarve, Portugal and Colton says the least surprising quote of the night: "I've never been to Europe."

Tay Tay and the Lighthouse

The date begins with a regular Bachelor/ette statement regarding Colton "planning the date" for the two of them. It has never been less believable than said by Colton. I assume Colton only has slip on shoes because laces confuse him. We do get the Bachelor obligatory helicopter date and hearken back to the greatest exit in bachelor history, the ice shelf dagger. They have numerous awkward discussions that touch on Colton's virginity including Portugal's exports of "virgin olive oil", his lack of flexibility "because he's a virgin". During dinner, he is focused primarily on Tay Tay's wardrobe malfunction. 

I am starting to think Colton's virginity may not be randon, surprising, or his choice. Despite spending the night in the fantasy suite, Colton and Tay Tay "didn’t have the physical intimacy [she] would have wanted…” Enough said, Tay Tay, enough said. Colton, if you are reading this blog, that means you didn't have sex.

Did Colton have sex yet?

Teacher Cassie's Fireworks

As this date began, they sped around Portugal countryside in a vintage Mercedes, fed each other in a market, danced in the street and bought matching Pajamas. My bachelor notes literally read as follows: How many times can you blog the word “Ugh!”

The day was going Bachelor/ette perfectly until Cassie's dad was brought up. Point of order! Did you notice that Colton didn't ask the fathers for their blessing but for their permission? More fodder for the "Colton is a big 12 year old" argument. Don't worry, Papa Cass (which incidentally may be my favorite nickname ever) shows up in Portugal to relieve Cassie of her sadness and give his blessing end Colton's life. Papa Cass asks whether she loves Colton: “I think I do.” This was literally the least believable moment on screen since Juliette Lewis apologized to Luke Wilson for the gang bang in Old School.

We, the viewer, knows what's going to happen. We know Cassie is going to deliver the death blow. At the same time, the producers are showing Colton's anticipation level rising. He thinks he's about to lose his virginity and he is getting dumped instead. We cannot look away from the trainwreck happening before us.

When they get together, Cassie is trying to tip toe around the obvious when it finally hits Colton: “Are you planning on leaving tonight…”

I've been dumped. It happens. It sucks. Listen to Chuck and Josh explain the Science of Break-Ups if you want more details on the subject. But the Bachelor/ette is not supposed to get dumped this late in the season. In fact, two Bachelors dumped the girl they picked in the season FINALE prior to the recap show. This cruelty has been happening for years, but the shoe is now on the other foot. Watching him grovel had to feel good for Mrs. Mesnick and Becca. Watching him literally shake felt less good. It did not look like I was watching an adult get dumped. I felt like a freshman got dumped the night before homecoming. He was so emotional. So distraught. So blindsided. How can you be this blindsided when you are literally dating three women at the same time?

Colton's comments:

1. "Did you already made a decision..."
2. "The last thing I’m gonna do is walk away from this relationship…"
3. "I'm willing to to give up the engagement…"
4. "I love you..."
5. "I want a future with you..."
6. "I want it to be you..."

Hey, Colton, let me take these in order as I play Cassie:

1. "Yes."
2. "You do you, boo."
3. "And?"
4. "I'm really, sorry" in the style of Juliette Lewis.
5. "You can watch next season."
6. "See #4."

To sum up the answers, 1-6, Cassie dropped the QOTN: “I feel like staying here is making the wrong decision for me.” Well, that's the most definitive thing she said all year.

Colton's response? “Fuck all of this. I’m done. I’m done with all of this.”