The Bachelor Episode 9: Fuck all of this.

This show loves hype. It loves to over-hype. Last night's episode was the exact opposite. I don't think they could have hyped this episode enough. They literally destroyed a man on television for America's entertainment. It helps that he's kind of a man-child doofus, but I also think it helps because they have been making women look awful for decades. It was time for payback. 

Lots of Virgin Talk

But about virginity

Before we get to the climax of the episode (see what I did there?), we have to discuss the rest of the boring details. Chris and Colton discuss Colton's willingness to lose his virginity during the fantasy suite dates. It's obvious he has thought about this waaaaay too much. It's also pretty obvious he is not going to kick the tires on all 3 ladies, but is singular in his mindset. We head off to Algarve, Portugal and Colton says the least surprising quote of the night: "I've never been to Europe."

Tay Tay and the Lighthouse

The date begins with a regular Bachelor/ette statement regarding Colton "planning the date" for the two of them. It has never been less believable than said by Colton. I assume Colton only has slip on shoes because laces confuse him. We do get the Bachelor obligatory helicopter date and hearken back to the greatest exit in bachelor history, the ice shelf dagger. They have numerous awkward discussions that touch on Colton's virginity including Portugal's exports of "virgin olive oil", his lack of flexibility "because he's a virgin". During dinner, he is focused primarily on Tay Tay's wardrobe malfunction. 

I am starting to think Colton's virginity may not be randon, surprising, or his choice. Despite spending the night in the fantasy suite, Colton and Tay Tay "didn’t have the physical intimacy [she] would have wanted…” Enough said, Tay Tay, enough said. Colton, if you are reading this blog, that means you didn't have sex.

Did Colton have sex yet?

Teacher Cassie's Fireworks

As this date began, they sped around Portugal countryside in a vintage Mercedes, fed each other in a market, danced in the street and bought matching Pajamas. My bachelor notes literally read as follows: How many times can you blog the word “Ugh!”

The day was going Bachelor/ette perfectly until Cassie's dad was brought up. Point of order! Did you notice that Colton didn't ask the fathers for their blessing but for their permission? More fodder for the "Colton is a big 12 year old" argument. Don't worry, Papa Cass (which incidentally may be my favorite nickname ever) shows up in Portugal to relieve Cassie of her sadness and give his blessing end Colton's life. Papa Cass asks whether she loves Colton: “I think I do.” This was literally the least believable moment on screen since Juliette Lewis apologized to Luke Wilson for the gang bang in Old School.

We, the viewer, knows what's going to happen. We know Cassie is going to deliver the death blow. At the same time, the producers are showing Colton's anticipation level rising. He thinks he's about to lose his virginity and he is getting dumped instead. We cannot look away from the trainwreck happening before us.

When they get together, Cassie is trying to tip toe around the obvious when it finally hits Colton: “Are you planning on leaving tonight…”

I've been dumped. It happens. It sucks. Listen to Chuck and Josh explain the Science of Break-Ups if you want more details on the subject. But the Bachelor/ette is not supposed to get dumped this late in the season. In fact, two Bachelors dumped the girl they picked in the season FINALE prior to the recap show. This cruelty has been happening for years, but the shoe is now on the other foot. Watching him grovel had to feel good for Mrs. Mesnick and Becca. Watching him literally shake felt less good. It did not look like I was watching an adult get dumped. I felt like a freshman got dumped the night before homecoming. He was so emotional. So distraught. So blindsided. How can you be this blindsided when you are literally dating three women at the same time?

Colton's comments:

1. "Did you already made a decision..."
2. "The last thing I’m gonna do is walk away from this relationship…"
3. "I'm willing to to give up the engagement…"
4. "I love you..."
5. "I want a future with you..."
6. "I want it to be you..."

Hey, Colton, let me take these in order as I play Cassie:

1. "Yes."
2. "You do you, boo."
3. "And?"
4. "I'm really, sorry" in the style of Juliette Lewis.
5. "You can watch next season."
6. "See #4."

To sum up the answers, 1-6, Cassie dropped the QOTN: “I feel like staying here is making the wrong decision for me.” Well, that's the most definitive thing she said all year.

Colton's response? “Fuck all of this. I’m done. I’m done with all of this.”

The Bachelor Episode 1: Wetter and Virginous

Ok, off to a rocky start. Don't worry friends, the most suboptimal blog on the Bachelor is back! Even though you likely didn't miss us, we'll labor on for you and look forward to dive into another season featuring former NFL player Colton. While the Dugan family managed to see Mary Poppins, Grinch and Ralph Breaks the Internet over the recent holiday break, we didn't squeeze in Aquaman. Pretty sure I saw enough of Wet Colton during last night's premier to make up for it.

Colton’s a wet Virgin. We get it, ABC. This virginity hook will get very old, very soon. I've always thought this show was an allegory on life and getting very old, very soon about sums up life so far. I must admit I didn't have 3 hours of Bachelor watching in me last night and fast forwarded through the live remotes around the country. Bachelor alums all over the nation prove how good Chris Harrison is at this job. HOLD THE PHONE! NEIL LANE IS IN THE HOUSE!!!

Why we watch

We get introduced to some of the girls. Cassie is a speech pathologist who's in grad school. Hannah Alabama is Miss Alabama who describes herself as the "hot mess express." Ok, I'm listening. Katie is a dancer, Heather, aka Sixpence None the Richer, is 22 and has never been kissed. Like, even by her parents? Never? Or are we just limiting this to romantic kisses. I need to know whether I should be laughing or crying, ABC!

Onyekachukwe Ehie, aka the Nigerian Nightmare, is a 24 yr old IT Risk Consultant. Miami represents with Nicole, aka Camila Cabello, a 25 year old social media consultant. Kirpa is a Dental Hygienist from Whittier, California. 

We meet Demi in Texas, but all I want to know about is her mom. Dad is with stepmom but plenty of people get divorced. We find out that Demi's mom is in federal prison. Get out your PACER accounts, friends! We need details.

Some Virgin Talk

It's been seconds since it was last brought up, so Chris and Colton decide to discuss his virginity. He also talks about the issue with Erica McNut. Colton contradicts himself repeatedly.

At times, he explains it "just happened" because he was a fat, awkward kid growing up. Other times he claims it was a "conscious decision." Did it "just happen" or was it a "conscious decision"? Actually, I do feel like there is some truth in there. It kind of just happened and then he was a virgin in life later than most and it became a more significant thing to him that he wanted to keep for the right time and place.

"It's a conscious decision"

Colton knows it's going to be an issue. He's worried about his inexperience and whether the girls will think he's "not romantic." Chris Harrison, however, comes in from the TOP ROPE! He tells Colton he has to worry whether the girls think "he's not a man!"

Almost there, coach Gundy.

Let's meet the girls

• Texas Demi comes out strong, “I have not dated a virgin since I was 12…”
• Tayshia is a Cally Phlebotomist
• Heather, aka Sixpence, is another Cally girl, 22
• Nicole, Dugan's Miami favorite drops some great quotes later, aka Camilla Cabello
• Caelynn, is 23 and Miss North Carolina
• Sydney, is a Knicks Dancer 
• Elyse, 31, is a make up artist from AK. Is that Alaska or Arkansas? It's not like anyone ever mails those two places so why would you know?
• Tahzjuan, aka Tarzan, is a 25 business development associate from Colorado
• Teacher Cassie is 23
• Kirza the Dental Hygienist from Whittier, CA
• Caitlin is another Canada funny girl, 25 realtor 
• Courtney is our Ga Peach
• Katie, 26 is the dancing medical sales rep
• A sloth showed up. 
• Nigerian Nightmare
• McNut
• Hannah Alabama
• Tracy shows up in a police car as the Fashion Police, 31. I wouldn't care but Camila Cabello responded with a great quote: “Thank god for the fashion police because I've never seen so many sequins in my life” followed by “If another pageant girl comes, I’m out.” Camila is my girl.
• Angelique - Jersey girl
• Devin, Broadcast Journalist 23
• Revian, Nurse, 24
• Nina, 30, Croatian girl
• Alex, aka Paw Patrol is a 29 yr old dog rescuer
• Bri, aka Outback, is a 24 year old model and fake Australian. Get it.
• Laura, 26, Dallas accountant
• Hannah G is a 23 year old content creator from Birmingham, Alabama. She is not to be confused with Hannah B, a 23 year old from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Are you kidding me Fless & Co?
• Annie, finally, a New Yorker is 23 and...went to the University of Alabama. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
• Jane is a 26 social worker
• Catherine, aka Brightline (more on that later) is a 26 DJ from Fort Lauderdale. I didn't read many bios but Brightline peeked my interest. Of note? She doesn't have any tattoos because "you don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari." Her favorite author is Dr. Seuss.
• Cinderella, aka Erin, is 28, Plano TX

PARTY TIME.

Quick recap time!

• The girls like Colton
• Demi is going to cause a lot of drama this season and begins by grabbing him first. 
• Miss North Cackalacka gets the first kiss
• Brightline is Fort Lauderdale's own Catherine. If you don't know, Brightline is our recent trainwreck of a public transit system. Recently introduced, it's killed more people than Florida's most famous serial killer, Ted Bundy. 
• One of the Hannah Alabamas got the first impression rose.
• Clemson keeps scoring.

Rose Ceremony

Miss North Cackalacka

Dancer Katie

Paw Patrol, aka Alex B

Hannah Alabama

Nigerian Nightmare, aka Onyeka

Caitlin

Annie

Kirza

Sixpence, aka Heather

AK Elyse 

Tayshia

Courtney

Teacher Cassie

Demi (THIS GIRL NEEDS A NICKNAME! HIVE MIND UNITE!)

Somebody?

McNut

Knicks Dancer Cindy

Outback, aka Bri

Angelique

Tracy

Camila Cabella, aka Nicole

Brightline, aka Catherine

Friends, remember the little things when you are watching. This show is high comedy. Fleiss & Co. setting up Devin's exit interview while the rose recipients "cheers" each other in the background.

Bravo!