The Bachelor Episode 1: Wetter and Virginous

Ok, off to a rocky start. Don't worry friends, the most suboptimal blog on the Bachelor is back! Even though you likely didn't miss us, we'll labor on for you and look forward to dive into another season featuring former NFL player Colton. While the Dugan family managed to see Mary Poppins, Grinch and Ralph Breaks the Internet over the recent holiday break, we didn't squeeze in Aquaman. Pretty sure I saw enough of Wet Colton during last night's premier to make up for it.

Colton’s a wet Virgin. We get it, ABC. This virginity hook will get very old, very soon. I've always thought this show was an allegory on life and getting very old, very soon about sums up life so far. I must admit I didn't have 3 hours of Bachelor watching in me last night and fast forwarded through the live remotes around the country. Bachelor alums all over the nation prove how good Chris Harrison is at this job. HOLD THE PHONE! NEIL LANE IS IN THE HOUSE!!!

Why we watch

We get introduced to some of the girls. Cassie is a speech pathologist who's in grad school. Hannah Alabama is Miss Alabama who describes herself as the "hot mess express." Ok, I'm listening. Katie is a dancer, Heather, aka Sixpence None the Richer, is 22 and has never been kissed. Like, even by her parents? Never? Or are we just limiting this to romantic kisses. I need to know whether I should be laughing or crying, ABC!

Onyekachukwe Ehie, aka the Nigerian Nightmare, is a 24 yr old IT Risk Consultant. Miami represents with Nicole, aka Camila Cabello, a 25 year old social media consultant. Kirpa is a Dental Hygienist from Whittier, California. 

We meet Demi in Texas, but all I want to know about is her mom. Dad is with stepmom but plenty of people get divorced. We find out that Demi's mom is in federal prison. Get out your PACER accounts, friends! We need details.

Some Virgin Talk

It's been seconds since it was last brought up, so Chris and Colton decide to discuss his virginity. He also talks about the issue with Erica McNut. Colton contradicts himself repeatedly.

At times, he explains it "just happened" because he was a fat, awkward kid growing up. Other times he claims it was a "conscious decision." Did it "just happen" or was it a "conscious decision"? Actually, I do feel like there is some truth in there. It kind of just happened and then he was a virgin in life later than most and it became a more significant thing to him that he wanted to keep for the right time and place.

"It's a conscious decision"

Colton knows it's going to be an issue. He's worried about his inexperience and whether the girls will think he's "not romantic." Chris Harrison, however, comes in from the TOP ROPE! He tells Colton he has to worry whether the girls think "he's not a man!"

Almost there, coach Gundy.

Let's meet the girls

• Texas Demi comes out strong, “I have not dated a virgin since I was 12…”
• Tayshia is a Cally Phlebotomist
• Heather, aka Sixpence, is another Cally girl, 22
• Nicole, Dugan's Miami favorite drops some great quotes later, aka Camilla Cabello
• Caelynn, is 23 and Miss North Carolina
• Sydney, is a Knicks Dancer 
• Elyse, 31, is a make up artist from AK. Is that Alaska or Arkansas? It's not like anyone ever mails those two places so why would you know?
• Tahzjuan, aka Tarzan, is a 25 business development associate from Colorado
• Teacher Cassie is 23
• Kirza the Dental Hygienist from Whittier, CA
• Caitlin is another Canada funny girl, 25 realtor 
• Courtney is our Ga Peach
• Katie, 26 is the dancing medical sales rep
• A sloth showed up. 
• Nigerian Nightmare
• McNut
• Hannah Alabama
• Tracy shows up in a police car as the Fashion Police, 31. I wouldn't care but Camila Cabello responded with a great quote: “Thank god for the fashion police because I've never seen so many sequins in my life” followed by “If another pageant girl comes, I’m out.” Camila is my girl.
• Angelique - Jersey girl
• Devin, Broadcast Journalist 23
• Revian, Nurse, 24
• Nina, 30, Croatian girl
• Alex, aka Paw Patrol is a 29 yr old dog rescuer
• Bri, aka Outback, is a 24 year old model and fake Australian. Get it.
• Laura, 26, Dallas accountant
• Hannah G is a 23 year old content creator from Birmingham, Alabama. She is not to be confused with Hannah B, a 23 year old from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Are you kidding me Fless & Co?
• Annie, finally, a New Yorker is 23 and...went to the University of Alabama. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
• Jane is a 26 social worker
• Catherine, aka Brightline (more on that later) is a 26 DJ from Fort Lauderdale. I didn't read many bios but Brightline peeked my interest. Of note? She doesn't have any tattoos because "you don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari." Her favorite author is Dr. Seuss.
• Cinderella, aka Erin, is 28, Plano TX

PARTY TIME.

Quick recap time!

• The girls like Colton
• Demi is going to cause a lot of drama this season and begins by grabbing him first. 
• Miss North Cackalacka gets the first kiss
• Brightline is Fort Lauderdale's own Catherine. If you don't know, Brightline is our recent trainwreck of a public transit system. Recently introduced, it's killed more people than Florida's most famous serial killer, Ted Bundy. 
• One of the Hannah Alabamas got the first impression rose.
• Clemson keeps scoring.

Rose Ceremony

Miss North Cackalacka

Dancer Katie

Paw Patrol, aka Alex B

Hannah Alabama

Nigerian Nightmare, aka Onyeka

Caitlin

Annie

Kirza

Sixpence, aka Heather

AK Elyse 

Tayshia

Courtney

Teacher Cassie

Demi (THIS GIRL NEEDS A NICKNAME! HIVE MIND UNITE!)

Somebody?

McNut

Knicks Dancer Cindy

Outback, aka Bri

Angelique

Tracy

Camila Cabella, aka Nicole

Brightline, aka Catherine

Friends, remember the little things when you are watching. This show is high comedy. Fleiss & Co. setting up Devin's exit interview while the rose recipients "cheers" each other in the background.

Bravo!

The Bachelor Episode 4: Ben's Wolfpack in Vegas

Well it is Saturday Sunday, and I am finally ready (i.e. able) to write a recap of last week's episode.  I have been watching the show in fifteen minute increments, which leads to the dates feeling longer than their actual duration.  Reality show love feels more acceptable.  Or maybe I am just low on sleep.  Fleiss and Co. have infiltrated my feeble mind and convinced me that Ben is actually there to find his wife.  Anyways, let's talk about the show.

Software Caila started off the show by announcing that there is "nervousness in the atmosphere."  I agree with her.  I can feel it.  It's coming in the air tonight.  

I've been waiting for this moment for all my life.  

But here's the difference.  If Harrison was drowning, I would lend a hand.  You are a cold-hearted bastard, Phil Collins.  

Harrison informed the women that the show is headed to Vegas, the marriage capital of the world.  I would have guessed Utah, but what do I know?  (To satisfy my curiosity, I looked up where the most weddings take place.  Harrison was correct; Vegas wins.  Istanbul has the most weddings worldwide though.  I totally guessed that.)

Before shipping off to Nevada, Ben felt optimistic, as many people "find love in Vegas."  If that's his definition of "love," then his self-analysis that he is "unlovable" takes on a new meaning.  

Solo Date #1: JoJo Trump

Before the date began, Mrs. Wags questioned JoJo's real estate mogul chops.  Mrs. Wags finds it hard to believe that this Kardashian-looking, Bachelor-love-seeking gal is pulling off major development deals.  

For the second week in a row, the mode of transportation on the date was a helicopter.  Unfortunately, this week's helicopter was likely piloted by Jake Pavelka.  The wind from the helicopter knocked over a table with champagne on it, likely raining down shattered glass on the guests checking into the Aria hotel.  

Back at the house, Olivia overconfidently and confusingly announces that she is "zen with Ben."  

More like zen with a velociraptor.  

Unrelated sidenote: velociraptor is an awesome name.  So is tyrannosaurus rex.  Dinosaurs are still so cool.

Back at the date, there was a fireworks show.  Boring.  We have those yearly in the Bay Area when all our pro sports teams win championships.  

Trump got a rose.  She seems like she could do well in this competition.  

Group Date: Mom Amanda, GI Jubilee, Software Caila, LB, Amber, Things 1 and 2, Hut Hut Leah, Lauren Harbaugh, Jennifer, Rachel, and Olivia

The first group date of the show took place, again, in Vegas.  But this date took place during the daytime.  Vegas during the day...woof.

The focus of the date was a talent show performance hosted by a creepy ventriloquist.  But really, is there any other kind?

Lauren Harbaugh announced that she did not want to do anything involving "nipple tassels."  While Fleiss and Co. will stoop to low levels, I am pretty sure they would honor that wish.  

Before performing for creepy ventriloquist's evening crowd, the women got a chance to practice their routines.  We quickly learned the only talented individuals were The Things (Riverdance) and GI Jubilee (the cello).  Both were very impressive.  As far as everyone else goes, Steve Harvey would be unimpressed.  

Olivia, supremely overconfident as usual, announced that she is not embarrassed by anything.  She must have forgotten about her cankles.  Also, this was a nice bit of foreshadowing by Fleiss and Co.  

The Things joked that Olivia's talent is being the center of attention.  Burn.  Right on.  Mrs. Wags announced the Things as her favorite contestants.  

The ventriloquist proclaimed that Vegas audiences are the toughest in the world.  Lots of Vegas hyperbole on this episode.  There must be a tougher room in Philadelphia or New York, right?

Of course, Olivia stole the show, but for all the wrong reasons. She decided to do something she was not comfortable with (always a good idea on national TV) and jump out of a cake wearing a showgirl outfit (strangely, with no shoes).  Even more strangely, she could not dance or do anything resembling sexy.  It was very odd, and Ben looked visibly uncomfortable.  Sensing his vibe, Olivia became upset, and had the first Bachelor Panic Attack of the season (all caps because they own the rights to fake panic attacks for attention-seeking reasons.  Olivia blew it, and she is quickly proving she is not Warsaw-material.

The rest of the evening was boring.  LB got the rose because she showed a rarely seen trait, humility.  

Solo Date #2: Hugs Becca

Hugs' solo date started with a wedding dress delivery at the house.  I am no wedding dress expert, but it did not look like Say Yes to the Dress quality.  

I've never seen this show.

Total lie.  I love it.

Hugs and Ben went to the Little White Chapel, but not to get married.  If they did that, the show would be over, and I would be handwriting my complaint letter to ABC because of no Neil Lane.

Instead, Ben got ordained, and married any couple that walked in the door.  If there's any illusion that the Bachelor himself plans what they do on a date, this shatters it.  If he really got to plan what to do, he would go see Garth Brooks or Britney Spears.  I may be slightly projecting what Mrs. Wags and I would do.  

The first groom looked like Kenneth from 30 Rock. Some other clown came in a tuxedo t-shirt.  There were some very odd first kisses.  None of these relationships, presided over by Ben, are going to last the year.  

After leaving the "chapel," Ben and Hugs went to a neon sign museum.  Again, there's no way one would choose to do this in Vegas.  I was happy to learn that the museum is funded by "grants and donations."  Your tax dollars at work.  This reminded me of my favorite American non-profit "museum."

The date ended with Ben and Hugs making vows to one another.  While Ben said some sweet things, Hugs vowed to always tell Ben that he is great.  

Emphasis on friendship.

Though they appear headed to the friend zone, Hugs' veneers were too much for Ben to resist and she got the rose.

2 on 1 Surprise Date: Twin on One

Before the big surprise, the cameras cut to the women sitting around the house.  This season has frequently shown the women lounging without any makeup.  This is the first season I can remember so many makeup-free scenes.  Do you think Fleiss and Co. force them to do this, or did the women agree to go au natural?  Either way, Things 1 and 2 did not looked prepared for Ben's arrival.  And I am talking about their faces.

The Things had to know this was coming at some stage of the show.  Ben needed to eliminate one of them so he can figure out which one is which.  Other than the rose ceremony, he has never identified them individually.

The date was to their home in Vegas, where they live with their Mom.  I guess it's possible that their job really is "twins." Doesn't pay much, but the days fly by.

At the house, one of them had a photo of her (ex?) boyfriend.  This show is so real.

In the end Ben decided to get rid of Thing 1 (2?).  I thought it was really mean that he got rid of the one with the thumb injury.  But as the limo pulled away, I noticed that the Thing that he kept also had a thumb injury.  Did I miss the dual thumb injury storyline on the show?  Did the Things pull a switcheroo on Ben?  Only their Mom knows.

Rose Ceremony

At the rose ceremony, Mrs. Wags and I had to put on closed-captioning.  And it's a good thing we did, because we found out that closed-captioning is a little racist.  When Amber spoke, CC attributed her words to GI Jubilee.  ABC can't buy a racial break.

Joining Trump and LB with roses were:

Mom Amanda

Lauren Harbaugh (she withdrew three scholarship offers during this episode...college football joke)

GI Jubilee

Final Thing 

Software Caila

Ft. Laudy Jennifer

Hut Hut Leah

Olivia (Producer's pick at this point)

Goodbye Amber and Unemployed Rachel.  

Until next week (i.e. tomorrow), when Dugan takes over.