The Bachelor Episode 8: The Mom Everyone's Talking About

Now that I have had a week to really digest the episode, I am finally ready to summarize.  Since the episode aired, I have had ice cream multiple times and whiskey once.  I thought you would want to know that old habits do not, in fact, have to die hard.

This week was hometown dates.  It's a tradition unlike any other.  This episode (almost) had it all. Crazy parents, overprotective older brothers, creepy younger brothers, drinking, and mansions.  One glaring omission: Ben did not ask any of the dads for their daughter's hands-in-marriage.  Foreshadowing?

Laguna Beach with Mom Amanda

It's official.  The helicopter romance is over.  No more private concerts.  Goodbye slow dances.  This hometown was all about what it would be like to be a stepdad.

I had the same look earlier this morning.

Ben met up with Mom Amanda on the beach.  She said she had not seen her kids yet.  How is this possible?  Once again, I'm starting to believe that Fleiss and Co. may not be telling us the whole truth.  

Mom Amanda said she's never been away from her kids for more than four days.  Did she forget the last five weeks on ABC's hit dramady, The Bachelor?

Mom Amanda's daughters arrived at the beach.  The older one, approximately five years old, was wearing a significant amount of makeup.  If this is normal for five year olds, I am scared.  But like all things on the Bachelor, I should assume this is not normal. 

During the car ride from the beach, Mom Amanda's younger daughter turned on the charm.  She cried, and cried, and cried, and cried.  And Amanda's chances of getting a rose went down, and down, and down, and down.  

Back at the house, Amanda's dad said Ben looked like a "deer caught in headlights."  Though that's his usual look, this did not bode well for Amanda.

Knowing that Amanda was not going to win made this hometown especially painful.  Good luck in the rose ceremony.

Portland LB

After a failed attempt at stepdadding, Ben headed off to Portland.  I really wanted them to go to my favorite (fictional?) bookstore.

They stopped by some of Portland's famous food trucks.  While I'd like to make fun of this hipster garbage, I had an amazing 3 am grilled cheese in Portland last year.

The date continued on to a whiskey bar.  LB describes all the whiskey as "so romantic."  Do women find whiskey romantic?  If so, I am the Monday night Don Juan of romance.  

Back at the house, Ben met LB's family.  Most importantly, he met her sister.  LB's sister was better looking than her.  I can't place this in historical Bachelor context, but I don't think it is a good sign.  

Even though LB didn't say I love you, I have no doubt she's getting a rose.

Hudson, Ohio - Software Caila

Software is from many places, and her parents currently live in Hudson, OH.  I'm not sure where this town is.  Actually, I'm not really sure where Ohio is, come to think of it.  

Hudson did look very American; very picturesque.  John Kasich may want to shoot a few promos with Hudson in the background.  

Caila's dad is a toy manufacturing CEO, and he looks like he's a child.  This seems like a reverse-Big.  It also seems like Caila is a female Tommy Boy.  They wore hard hats on the factory floor.  All of the employees seemed to know Caila.  Ben should choose her and become a heir to the toy dynasty.    

Back at Caila's house, I spent most of the time wondering what the hell she's talking about.  She's doing some kind of Jedi mind trick on Ben's feeble mind.  

My favorite part of the date was when Ben confessed that he had never met a Filipino person.  Yowza.  No one should ever go on this show.  There is no way to come out of it looking good.  

I spent most of the date trying to figure out Caila's dad.  He looks so young.  But maybe he's just a short guy?  Mrs. Wags thinks he's a former figure skater.  He's got a Scott Hamilton thing going on.  

Dallas - JoJo Trump

As real Trump gets more popular, JoJo Trump is beginning to lose steam.  

The day started with JoJo excited to receive some surprise roses.  Presumably from Ben, right?  Right?  WRONG.  Fleiss and Co. had other ideas.  The roses were from her ex-bf Chad.    Apparently, Chad is not over JoJo and wants her back.  JoJo decided to call Chad and tell him its done forever.  Like deciding to go on the show, this was a bad decision.  Of course, Ben arrived mid-conversation, and JoJo had to tell all.  (This is all so fake.  I'm done writing about it.)  

Trump's home was stereotypically Dallas.  Huge mansion.  Her mom had all forms of plastic surgery. Her brothers seemed to be meathead former college football players.  Her dad looked like a skinny Sgt. Slaughter.  Usually, at least one Bachelor contestant's families will ruin their chances.  This year, JoJo is the one.  

This picture pretty much summed it up.  The two brothers ready to fight.  Dad telling mom to slow down.  Mom chugging sparkling wine?!  That's impressive.  With all those cupboards, there had to be at least one champagne flute.  Also, that must really hurt to chug drink sparkling wine.  On the other hand, she probably has so much botox above the neck that she can't feel anything.  

Ben should take a look at this photo and run for the hills.

Rose Ceremony 

This season has too many women that get along too well.  I wish Olivia had made it further.  She would have mixed it up.  

Instead, roses (predictably) went to LB, Software Caila, and JoJo Trump.  

Goodbye Mom Amanda.  Hope your five weeks away from home was worth it.  

The Bachelor Episode 4: Ben's Wolfpack in Vegas

Well it is Saturday Sunday, and I am finally ready (i.e. able) to write a recap of last week's episode.  I have been watching the show in fifteen minute increments, which leads to the dates feeling longer than their actual duration.  Reality show love feels more acceptable.  Or maybe I am just low on sleep.  Fleiss and Co. have infiltrated my feeble mind and convinced me that Ben is actually there to find his wife.  Anyways, let's talk about the show.

Software Caila started off the show by announcing that there is "nervousness in the atmosphere."  I agree with her.  I can feel it.  It's coming in the air tonight.  

I've been waiting for this moment for all my life.  

But here's the difference.  If Harrison was drowning, I would lend a hand.  You are a cold-hearted bastard, Phil Collins.  

Harrison informed the women that the show is headed to Vegas, the marriage capital of the world.  I would have guessed Utah, but what do I know?  (To satisfy my curiosity, I looked up where the most weddings take place.  Harrison was correct; Vegas wins.  Istanbul has the most weddings worldwide though.  I totally guessed that.)

Before shipping off to Nevada, Ben felt optimistic, as many people "find love in Vegas."  If that's his definition of "love," then his self-analysis that he is "unlovable" takes on a new meaning.  

Solo Date #1: JoJo Trump

Before the date began, Mrs. Wags questioned JoJo's real estate mogul chops.  Mrs. Wags finds it hard to believe that this Kardashian-looking, Bachelor-love-seeking gal is pulling off major development deals.  

For the second week in a row, the mode of transportation on the date was a helicopter.  Unfortunately, this week's helicopter was likely piloted by Jake Pavelka.  The wind from the helicopter knocked over a table with champagne on it, likely raining down shattered glass on the guests checking into the Aria hotel.  

Back at the house, Olivia overconfidently and confusingly announces that she is "zen with Ben."  

More like zen with a velociraptor.  

Unrelated sidenote: velociraptor is an awesome name.  So is tyrannosaurus rex.  Dinosaurs are still so cool.

Back at the date, there was a fireworks show.  Boring.  We have those yearly in the Bay Area when all our pro sports teams win championships.  

Trump got a rose.  She seems like she could do well in this competition.  

Group Date: Mom Amanda, GI Jubilee, Software Caila, LB, Amber, Things 1 and 2, Hut Hut Leah, Lauren Harbaugh, Jennifer, Rachel, and Olivia

The first group date of the show took place, again, in Vegas.  But this date took place during the daytime.  Vegas during the day...woof.

The focus of the date was a talent show performance hosted by a creepy ventriloquist.  But really, is there any other kind?

Lauren Harbaugh announced that she did not want to do anything involving "nipple tassels."  While Fleiss and Co. will stoop to low levels, I am pretty sure they would honor that wish.  

Before performing for creepy ventriloquist's evening crowd, the women got a chance to practice their routines.  We quickly learned the only talented individuals were The Things (Riverdance) and GI Jubilee (the cello).  Both were very impressive.  As far as everyone else goes, Steve Harvey would be unimpressed.  

Olivia, supremely overconfident as usual, announced that she is not embarrassed by anything.  She must have forgotten about her cankles.  Also, this was a nice bit of foreshadowing by Fleiss and Co.  

The Things joked that Olivia's talent is being the center of attention.  Burn.  Right on.  Mrs. Wags announced the Things as her favorite contestants.  

The ventriloquist proclaimed that Vegas audiences are the toughest in the world.  Lots of Vegas hyperbole on this episode.  There must be a tougher room in Philadelphia or New York, right?

Of course, Olivia stole the show, but for all the wrong reasons. She decided to do something she was not comfortable with (always a good idea on national TV) and jump out of a cake wearing a showgirl outfit (strangely, with no shoes).  Even more strangely, she could not dance or do anything resembling sexy.  It was very odd, and Ben looked visibly uncomfortable.  Sensing his vibe, Olivia became upset, and had the first Bachelor Panic Attack of the season (all caps because they own the rights to fake panic attacks for attention-seeking reasons.  Olivia blew it, and she is quickly proving she is not Warsaw-material.

The rest of the evening was boring.  LB got the rose because she showed a rarely seen trait, humility.  

Solo Date #2: Hugs Becca

Hugs' solo date started with a wedding dress delivery at the house.  I am no wedding dress expert, but it did not look like Say Yes to the Dress quality.  

I've never seen this show.

Total lie.  I love it.

Hugs and Ben went to the Little White Chapel, but not to get married.  If they did that, the show would be over, and I would be handwriting my complaint letter to ABC because of no Neil Lane.

Instead, Ben got ordained, and married any couple that walked in the door.  If there's any illusion that the Bachelor himself plans what they do on a date, this shatters it.  If he really got to plan what to do, he would go see Garth Brooks or Britney Spears.  I may be slightly projecting what Mrs. Wags and I would do.  

The first groom looked like Kenneth from 30 Rock. Some other clown came in a tuxedo t-shirt.  There were some very odd first kisses.  None of these relationships, presided over by Ben, are going to last the year.  

After leaving the "chapel," Ben and Hugs went to a neon sign museum.  Again, there's no way one would choose to do this in Vegas.  I was happy to learn that the museum is funded by "grants and donations."  Your tax dollars at work.  This reminded me of my favorite American non-profit "museum."

The date ended with Ben and Hugs making vows to one another.  While Ben said some sweet things, Hugs vowed to always tell Ben that he is great.  

Emphasis on friendship.

Though they appear headed to the friend zone, Hugs' veneers were too much for Ben to resist and she got the rose.

2 on 1 Surprise Date: Twin on One

Before the big surprise, the cameras cut to the women sitting around the house.  This season has frequently shown the women lounging without any makeup.  This is the first season I can remember so many makeup-free scenes.  Do you think Fleiss and Co. force them to do this, or did the women agree to go au natural?  Either way, Things 1 and 2 did not looked prepared for Ben's arrival.  And I am talking about their faces.

The Things had to know this was coming at some stage of the show.  Ben needed to eliminate one of them so he can figure out which one is which.  Other than the rose ceremony, he has never identified them individually.

The date was to their home in Vegas, where they live with their Mom.  I guess it's possible that their job really is "twins." Doesn't pay much, but the days fly by.

At the house, one of them had a photo of her (ex?) boyfriend.  This show is so real.

In the end Ben decided to get rid of Thing 1 (2?).  I thought it was really mean that he got rid of the one with the thumb injury.  But as the limo pulled away, I noticed that the Thing that he kept also had a thumb injury.  Did I miss the dual thumb injury storyline on the show?  Did the Things pull a switcheroo on Ben?  Only their Mom knows.

Rose Ceremony

At the rose ceremony, Mrs. Wags and I had to put on closed-captioning.  And it's a good thing we did, because we found out that closed-captioning is a little racist.  When Amber spoke, CC attributed her words to GI Jubilee.  ABC can't buy a racial break.

Joining Trump and LB with roses were:

Mom Amanda

Lauren Harbaugh (she withdrew three scholarship offers during this episode...college football joke)

GI Jubilee

Final Thing 

Software Caila

Ft. Laudy Jennifer

Hut Hut Leah

Olivia (Producer's pick at this point)

Goodbye Amber and Unemployed Rachel.  

Until next week (i.e. tomorrow), when Dugan takes over.