The Bachelor, Epidose IV: Getting Dirty and Having Fun...with MS Paint

Jake told the ladies at the end of this episode that's what he's all about: "Getting Dirty and Having Fun."  This was a complex episode where Jake revealed himself to the audience more than he ever has.  In fact, Dugan no longer things Jake is Patrick Bateman, but another movie character which will be explained later.

I hope all fans remember last season's train episode because it was one of the year's best with No Job Rob getting the boot in the middle of the wilderness. Last night's show didn't live up to that classic but it also didn't disappoint.  Instead of trains across Canada, we got RVs up the California Coast.  With a one-on-one date with OctoJolie, a two-on-one with Mamma Ella and Flight Attendant Kathryn, and a group date for the rest.  

Jake leads in his motorcycle, pulling off Dumb and Dumber better than Easy Rider.  While tension is building between the girls, OctoJolie calls a potential Ali and Vienna one-on-one "Tyson and Holyfield."  The other girls are dumbfounded.  And let's get to the dates...

OctoJolie begins the one-on-one with the idea of playing hide and seek.  And you should have seen Jake's face light up.  FINALLY.  A girl wants to play a game instead of talk and make out.  Then, it hit me!  Jake is not Patrick Bateman.  He is Josh Baskin, aka Tom Hanks in Big.  The rest of this episode only reinforces the original lightning bolt.  And look, it's a natural fit:

Then, Jake and OctoJolie decide to play a game: who was lamer growing up?  Jake's up first and says he was called "Mr. Dateless" in high school.  This means many things, but most importantly, Jake's friends in high school were terrible with nicknames.  His first kiss didn't come until 11th grade, but OctoJolie wants to point out that her first kiss came in a forced game of spin the bottle.  Jake hears spin the bottle and the true 12 years old inside him gets too excited and demands they play with a wine bottle.  Just the two of them.  This makes no FUCKING sense.  The other options are to kiss vineyards.

Moving on to the unintentional comedy, they decide to start a fire for a late night campfire.  OctoJolie is impressed and asks Jake how he is going to start the fire.  Jake proudly proclaims that he knows how to start a fire.  Sadly, ABC's cameras showed a duraflame log beneath the real wood.  And Jake heroically lights the paper on fire with a lighter.  They sit by the fire and share some future plans and OctoJolie hopes to adopt (YES!) a Chinese baby (CALLED IT!) and a pot belly pig.  Lovely.  Jake continues to show his tween skills and makes smores like a champ.  Date over. OctoJolie gets a rose.

ABC always claims the bachelor or bachelorette plan the dates but we all know this is bogus.  Except this group date seemed like it might actually have been planned by a 13 yr old boy.  Dune Buggies and Sand Surfing, WHOOOO HOOOO.  Jake explains he is attracted to Tenley, then...TACKLES HER in the sand.  Good move, for a 12 yr old.  Then it's Corrie's turn to step up and show some affection.  Jake's response, TACKLE HER.

The group of ladies cleaned up and got ready for dinner where Ashleigh showed a lot of leg to the ABC cameras.  Jake is uncomfortable with the mature, forward women on the show.  If they want to go past making out, Jake panics.  Vienna wanted to get alone time last and the other girls are obviously sick of her.  Tenley explained that she has not dated since her cop husband cheated on her.  It's lucky that Tenley only received a broken heart from her cop husband: it could always be worse.

Group date is over and Tenley's sob story helps her collect another rose.  The two-on-one allows Jake to show off another flannel shirt.  Mrs. Dugan wanted to know what the count is up to now.  Jake explains that he really likes Ella because he thinks it would be fun to have a little brother...or son.  For one of the few times all season, Jake made sense when he cut Ella by blaming his feelings for the other women have progressed further.  Ella gets a limo, flight attendant Kathryn comes on strong at the end, but gets the boot, and an SUV exit. Jake means business and if you start to be agressive (see Ashleigh, Kathryn), you will get the boot ASAP.

At the rose ceremony, Jessie asks for one-on-one time.  Jessie is this season's Mark.  A contestant that slips by every week and is eventually around a lot longer and you realize you know nothing about them.  Mark stood out for his casual attire at the rose ceremonies.  Jessie always brings her A game at the rose ceremonies but it couldn't save her tonight.  At least she got the chance to throw Vienna under the RV on her way out.

Jake stalled at the end of the rose ceremony and we found out that the Bachelor has about 45 people on set at the rose ceremonies.  In fact, as this show continues to be run into the ground, I wonder if more people are involved in production than actually watch the show.  He finds Chris Harrison and wants to know if he can kick off more women than previously planned.  Mrs. Dugan points out that most Bachelors would like to keep the women as long as possible.  But, Jake isn't most men.  He's a tween trapped in an adult body.

Next week the show hits San Francisco, perfect for Wags authorship of the blog post.  The ladies are excited for romance and roses.  Jake wants to see Ripley's Believe it or Not and Alcatraz.

Can the show get even juicier?

According to Jake, I guess so.

Any guesses as to what the big shocker will be?

Michelle will be missed.

I will comment on Wags' excellent take on episode 3 below, but wanted to give a glimpse to fans who don't/won't dedicate 2 hours of their night to watch the show.

You can watch it all or skip to the 2:00 minute mark for some great Bachelor contrived drama...and possibly where Jake turns the corner at the 2:10 mark into a likable Bachelor.

The Bachelor Episode 3: If She's What He Wants, Then He Won't Like Me

It seems appropriate to title this post with a Bachelor cliche. I commented last week that the episode was full of cliches such as chicken fights and the "reasons" someone is on the show. This week's lovegame really upped the cliche ante.





It all started out with Vienna's mysterious date with Jake. Was she going to fight forest fires in that helicopter? Was she go to go heli-snowboarding and drop into some wild backcountry? With Jake, anything is possible on the helicopter blades of love. Instead, Vienna and Jake got to take a helicopter to bungee jump. Not surprisingly, Jake was scared of heights and had to hold on to Vienna. The Jaker shed that motorcycle image pretty quickly. After this all-to-typical Bachelor date, I continue to think that Jake has no guy friends and only drinks wine coolers.


The group date was next and featured multiple Bachelor cliches. First, if you want to win the Bachelor's heart, you better be able to do some performance art. If you're shy and scared, but have the guts to get up there and perform, you will do even better (see: Ashleigh). By the way, did you know Jon Lovitz starred in Little Nicky? I'll bet he would have preferred to only the guy from SNL.


The group date continued with ANOTHER Bachelor tradition: the snitch. Every season of this show has at least one snitch who reveals which girl is hated by the others. Because they see the real side of the girl in the house. Vienna is the unlucky victim of the others' anger. It seems a bit unclear why the other girls dislike her so much. She seems as equally annoying as the other girls. ABC has kind of made her out to be the victim. This leads me to believe that the rumors that Vienna might win the whole thing could be true.


Crazy Michelle had another freak out session on the group date that proved to be her last. As we were watching, Liz commented that Jake "finally grew a pair" and kicked Michelle to the curb. After the weird kiss from Michelle and her threat to pack her bags, Jake clearly made the right decision. Though Jake is a total DB, he did become more likeable in the second half of this episode.


The last one-on-one date went to the Mom, Ella. Jake had a huge surprise for her of flying out her son for the date. Too bad it wasn't a surprise for the audience or Ella herself. We saw this one coming from two episodes away. There is no chance in hell she wins so I'm not spending any time discussing it.


The end was great. Elizabeth played the no kissing game and lost for it. I hate to admit it, but I actually liked Jake at the end for his decisions. Although there is no way he keeps it up.

This song is blowing up...

Larry Platt is the Man.

If you have spent any time looking at the news, the world is going to hell. If you have means, please try to do all you can for those suffering in Haiti. But we also know people come to WWTGTMALTM for a break and a smile. Thankfully, American Idol provided that last night:

Episode II: We need shots.

Don't worry, devoted fans of the blog, we will get to all the Roz drama later, but I would like to give a run-down for those that have not seen the episode.  As a side note, do not make bets re facts of the show with a person who has a blog about the show.  As I type this, I am enjoying a delicious chicken grill lunch courtesy of a co-worker who swore that a pilot made it past episode 1.  We all know that Jake cut his flying competition and kept the stewardess (or flight attendant) and teacher whose mom sends lingerie and slutty stewardess outfits.

The episode began with group dates.  Roz (don't worry, we'll get there) was joined by the Bennigan's waitress (Christina), The Kissimmee Queen (Corrie), the Cougar (Valishia), Ashleigh, and the OctoJolie (Gia).  Christina knocked back drinks trying to gain confidence as the other waif-thin women showed their modeling stuff and Roz did her best Britney Spears imitation.  From the photoshoot, we got some pool time and bikinis.  The Bachelor makes it seem like bikinis are a daily part of every twenty-something's life.  We also learned that the Cougar leads women's bible studies free of charge - that could lead to a lot of fun depending on how the season progresses. As Gia explains she was shy and unpopular growing up, things were getting interesting back at the house.  The date card came for the one-on-one and Crazy Eyes (as an aside, I have a friend whose dog I call "Crazy Eyes" even though his name is Spencer.  For purposes of Dugan's blog entries, Spencer = "Crazy Eyes" = Michelle) likes diamonds as much as she likes Jake.

Moving on, Cristina was opening up about her insecurities as the best looking girl on set stole Jake away - leading to the line of the night: "we need shots!"  I think Christina would have had a better chance if she put on her Bennigan's uniform, with as much flair as possible and served up some tasty apps to Jake.  Nonetheless, Roz had her tongue to feed Jake and she received the group date rose even though he admits she is "mysterious" and "out of his comfort zone." Mrs. Dugan quickly claims she is the "Wes" of this season but Wes, as we will soon find out, lasted much longer.

The one-on-one had Mrs. Dugan's favorite, Ali, flying high.  That was an appropriate start because it ended with the crash landing of the band Chicago's career.  Ali and Jake's date went well, she only dates men whose name starts with J (Jim, Jason, Jared, Jordan...) and it had the best song of the season (listen here).

We had another group date which included Ashley (mom sends lingerie), "Tori Spelling" Elizabeth, Jessie, Vienna and Kathryn (flight attendant who wears wedding ring) at Wallyworld.  If only John Candy could have been held at gunpoint by Jake as he brings his bevy of beauties around the carnival.  Elizabeth Spelling drops a bombshell that she doesn't want a kiss until the end as the other girls lament her throwing herself at Jake - great editing by the staff at ABC (wait for it...).  Vienna starts getting dramatic about her romantic past as Ashley brings fresh drinks...awesome timing.

Sadly, the best part of this group date was the fact that Crazy Eyes was not on it and threw a tantrum and threatened to leave.  Tenley and Momma Ella, the only others to not receive one-on-one time seemed to cope fine and all ended the week with a rose, fwiw.

Drama Alert:
You hear a lot of catch phrases every week on the Bachelor that it gets pretty humorous or lame - depending on whether you have as much to drink as Christina while watching.  Trust me, it helps. "Never before," "For the first time ever," "Hardest decision yet," "Most romantic ever," "Most dramatic..." blah blah blah.

But last night's episode lived up to it.  Great drama.  Roz gets booted off the show for an "inappropriate relationship" with a staffer.  I think its funny that the leader of the free world can "Keep on Truckin'" but ABC takes itself so seriously that Roz has to go. Get a clue, ABC. She was the hottest contestant and would have kept more viewers. Chris Harrison did a great job in an uncomfortable moment as he feigned true feelings for the show's mission and its contestants' feelings.  And Dugan has been forwarded many versions of what truly happened that night but is not believing some of the reports that picture Roz a victim of the vast ABC ratings conspiracy.  Dugan's first issue with the reports are Roz's actual words.  She was accused by Harrison and she did not deny it any way, shape or form.  She claimed instead that other women have men at home.  However, none of the women packed their men in their suitcases and are continuing their relationship while in the mansion.  Dugan finds it hard to believe this is the first time this has happened in the many seasons, but we'll let Roz take the fall.  The other issue I have is the same sites that paint Roz the victim also predict Vienna going far and perhaps winning the whole show.

This is not to say that Vienna doesn't or won't win. But I expected pilots to have better eyes. Sadly, the blog has not taken off and I still have to do some legal work in between blog posts and cannot hunt down all the Bachelor related posts on the internet to verify the posts.

When Roz got the boot, another lady was saved.  Michelle didn't have enough flair and joined her along with the teacher whose mom sends lingerie, Ashley. Crazy Eyes is back for another week and Dugan's loving it.

Till next week fans.

Episode 1: Maybe Nice Guys Don't Finish Last

The Bachelor: Wings of Love premiered last night. Thankfully it started at 8 pm on the west coast. There were some nasty rumors at work that it might be airing at 9. Like Rozlyn, I need to get my beauty rest.

If you have followed the writing on this blog, you'd know that Dugan has frequently compared Jake the Bachelor to Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. Bateman and Pavelka (Jake's real last name) share good looks, dirty blond hair, and a complete personality deficit. ABC knows this too. That is why ABC has tried to create who they want Jake to be. Jake on a motorcycle? Awkward. (Ever notice that the spelling of "awkward" is kind of awkward itself?). Jake talking about his office "being at 37,000 feet?" Sounds like a line out of a romantic comedy that no real pilot would ever say. Jake saying that "love is more powerful than flying." Of course it is. That's not romantic, it's obvious.

When the Trista the first Bachelorette picked Ryan the firefighter, I remember thinking that this guy will never be able to face his co-workers again. The same holds true for Jake. Aren't most pilots former military service people? Jake's co-pilots probably already made fun of him. This show surely isn't going to help.

Two parts of the season premiere really stood out for me: 1) Jake throwing a football and 2) overemotional contestant Michelle.

1) Jake's football throwing abilities were alarming. When one of the girls wanted to throw the football with Jake, I assumed he might be decent. A childhood Pop Warner football photo of Jake appeared earlier in the episode. He seems like an athletic guy. Alas, Jake throws EXACTLY like a famous movie character who is well versed in time travel and plastic sales:



2) Almost as equally alarming was the psychotic display of Michelle from Anaheim. Her serial killer tendencies shattered her normal facade. She cried because she was not getting one-on-one time and then when she had her alone time with Jake, she came off as completely crazy (kind of like Jake last season?). Even the two drunks with a history of bad judgment (Ed and Jillian) recommended getting rid of her. At the end, Michelle got the last rose. I am torn between blaming Jake or ABC for keeping her on the show. Since it's the first episode, I am going to give Jake the benefit of the doubt and blame ABC.

A few other tidbits from the premiere:
1) Cambodian sayings rule.
2) Best pickup line: "Close your eyes and imagine your favorite place? Now tell me. Right here, right now. What's yours? Snowboarding." Hmmmm.
3) I will never get tired of references to flying, flight attendants, co-pilots, the mile high club, and airplanes.
4) Jake let a lot of seemingly normal girls go home. I think at least one of them could have ended up as his wife.
5) Tenley the Disney girl is Liz's favorite for Jake. Though she's been married, the Disney factor pushes it over the top.
6) At the beginning of the rose ceremony, Jake said that if you don't get a rose, it's "nothing personal." Actually, nothing could be more personal.



Based on the "what's coming up this season on the Bachelor" segment, this season looks like it will be filled with the typical back-stabbing, lying, and eventually love.

Cheers!

Jake TONIGHT

In preparation for tonight's two-hour season premiere of the Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, I have collected predictions from Liz and Dugan. I also have a few of my own. We have made our predictions for this season before ever having seen an episode or reading a spoiler. Our predictions are based on our knowledge of who Jake is and what he stands for. Based on the following predictions, we do not think very highly of Jake. Feel free to add your own predictions in the comment space. We will review our predictions as they inevitably come true.

My Predictions

1) Wes will make at least one appearance as an "evil guest" who is meant to sabotage Jake in some way.

2) At least two women will leave the show because they just aren't that interested in Jake.

3) When Jake takes the women on the hometown date, Jake's hometown friends will be all women.

4) We will hear that Jake has been criticized as "too perfect" at least 5 times on the dramatic 2 hour season premiere.

5) Jake will cry more than any other previous Bachelor, and more than any previous Bachelorette (not sure how we measure this one, but I think we'll know it when we see it).

Liz's Predictions

1) Jake's mom will have a large role this season and greatly influence his selection process.

2) At least one male contestant among the 25 eligibles (ok, maybe all 25).

3) One of the contestants will have a fear of flying that Jake will strive help him/her overcome.

4) Jake will end up with a cougar.

Dugan's Predictions

1) This season will be the most dramatic and romantic ever.

2) Each episode will be the increasingly most difficult choice Jake has "ever had to make."

3) Horseback shirtless Jake, Jake Flying a one-on-one date, and a hospital visit due to alcohol poisoning - these are a few of myfavorite things.

4) The blog becoming main stream due to our hilarious insights into the show leading to our fabulous wealth and hiatus of our stellarlegal/teaching/charitable careers.

5) Rose mishaps. I picture some roses used as weapons and/or some error. Like the show flies to mexico and the can only find yellowroses for the ceremony.

6) I'll take the over on Tim's plus/minus "too perfect" for Jake.