The Bachelor, Epidose IV: Getting Dirty and Having Fun...with MS Paint

Jake told the ladies at the end of this episode that's what he's all about: "Getting Dirty and Having Fun."  This was a complex episode where Jake revealed himself to the audience more than he ever has.  In fact, Dugan no longer things Jake is Patrick Bateman, but another movie character which will be explained later.

I hope all fans remember last season's train episode because it was one of the year's best with No Job Rob getting the boot in the middle of the wilderness. Last night's show didn't live up to that classic but it also didn't disappoint.  Instead of trains across Canada, we got RVs up the California Coast.  With a one-on-one date with OctoJolie, a two-on-one with Mamma Ella and Flight Attendant Kathryn, and a group date for the rest.  

Jake leads in his motorcycle, pulling off Dumb and Dumber better than Easy Rider.  While tension is building between the girls, OctoJolie calls a potential Ali and Vienna one-on-one "Tyson and Holyfield."  The other girls are dumbfounded.  And let's get to the dates...

OctoJolie begins the one-on-one with the idea of playing hide and seek.  And you should have seen Jake's face light up.  FINALLY.  A girl wants to play a game instead of talk and make out.  Then, it hit me!  Jake is not Patrick Bateman.  He is Josh Baskin, aka Tom Hanks in Big.  The rest of this episode only reinforces the original lightning bolt.  And look, it's a natural fit:

Then, Jake and OctoJolie decide to play a game: who was lamer growing up?  Jake's up first and says he was called "Mr. Dateless" in high school.  This means many things, but most importantly, Jake's friends in high school were terrible with nicknames.  His first kiss didn't come until 11th grade, but OctoJolie wants to point out that her first kiss came in a forced game of spin the bottle.  Jake hears spin the bottle and the true 12 years old inside him gets too excited and demands they play with a wine bottle.  Just the two of them.  This makes no FUCKING sense.  The other options are to kiss vineyards.

Moving on to the unintentional comedy, they decide to start a fire for a late night campfire.  OctoJolie is impressed and asks Jake how he is going to start the fire.  Jake proudly proclaims that he knows how to start a fire.  Sadly, ABC's cameras showed a duraflame log beneath the real wood.  And Jake heroically lights the paper on fire with a lighter.  They sit by the fire and share some future plans and OctoJolie hopes to adopt (YES!) a Chinese baby (CALLED IT!) and a pot belly pig.  Lovely.  Jake continues to show his tween skills and makes smores like a champ.  Date over. OctoJolie gets a rose.

ABC always claims the bachelor or bachelorette plan the dates but we all know this is bogus.  Except this group date seemed like it might actually have been planned by a 13 yr old boy.  Dune Buggies and Sand Surfing, WHOOOO HOOOO.  Jake explains he is attracted to Tenley, then...TACKLES HER in the sand.  Good move, for a 12 yr old.  Then it's Corrie's turn to step up and show some affection.  Jake's response, TACKLE HER.

The group of ladies cleaned up and got ready for dinner where Ashleigh showed a lot of leg to the ABC cameras.  Jake is uncomfortable with the mature, forward women on the show.  If they want to go past making out, Jake panics.  Vienna wanted to get alone time last and the other girls are obviously sick of her.  Tenley explained that she has not dated since her cop husband cheated on her.  It's lucky that Tenley only received a broken heart from her cop husband: it could always be worse.

Group date is over and Tenley's sob story helps her collect another rose.  The two-on-one allows Jake to show off another flannel shirt.  Mrs. Dugan wanted to know what the count is up to now.  Jake explains that he really likes Ella because he thinks it would be fun to have a little brother...or son.  For one of the few times all season, Jake made sense when he cut Ella by blaming his feelings for the other women have progressed further.  Ella gets a limo, flight attendant Kathryn comes on strong at the end, but gets the boot, and an SUV exit. Jake means business and if you start to be agressive (see Ashleigh, Kathryn), you will get the boot ASAP.

At the rose ceremony, Jessie asks for one-on-one time.  Jessie is this season's Mark.  A contestant that slips by every week and is eventually around a lot longer and you realize you know nothing about them.  Mark stood out for his casual attire at the rose ceremonies.  Jessie always brings her A game at the rose ceremonies but it couldn't save her tonight.  At least she got the chance to throw Vienna under the RV on her way out.

Jake stalled at the end of the rose ceremony and we found out that the Bachelor has about 45 people on set at the rose ceremonies.  In fact, as this show continues to be run into the ground, I wonder if more people are involved in production than actually watch the show.  He finds Chris Harrison and wants to know if he can kick off more women than previously planned.  Mrs. Dugan points out that most Bachelors would like to keep the women as long as possible.  But, Jake isn't most men.  He's a tween trapped in an adult body.

Next week the show hits San Francisco, perfect for Wags authorship of the blog post.  The ladies are excited for romance and roses.  Jake wants to see Ripley's Believe it or Not and Alcatraz.