Chris Harrison broke the news to the Bachelorettes that the rules will change this week. There will be not one...not two...but THREE one-on-one dates, and one group date. The only catch is that there will be no roses on the one-on-one dates (but rules were meant to be broken...wink wink foreshadow foreshadow).
The first one-on-one date went to Emily. Her invitation said that Brad wanted to go to a deserted island with three things: 1) champagne 2) a picnic lunch and 3) Emily. I would definitely trade the champagne for a helicopter.
Brad and Emily got a ride to their deserted island on the all-too-typical chopper. Emily commended Brad by saying "you do too much on our dates." Liz noted that she could barely avoid looking at the producers when she offered the compliment. The date started off awkwardly. They both seemed nervous. They broke the ice by saying how much they like each other. Snooze alert.
The date picked up when Brad broke the rules (he got Dr. Jamie's permission) by promising Emily a rose. Emily promised that Brad could meet Ricky Jr. The producers are now just blatantly setting up Emily as the next Bachelorette.
The second one-on-one date went to Undertaker Shawntel. Absolutely amazing that there are still two women named Shawntel/Chantal on the show. Must have been a very popular girl name in the mid-80s.
Their date started with a walk around a local Anguillan town. The Undertaker says it's her dream date. Huh? Did the Undertaker from Chico really tell the producers that this was her dream date? All signs point to...ask again later (that's what the magic 8 ball said when I shook it).
They visited the Anguillan Miss Cleo. She thinks that they should kiss. Earth shattering revelation. By the way, how cool was that whole Miss Cleo thing?
Bradmund and the Undertaker ended their date with dinner on a "boat." I found an exclusive picture of this boat that shows the whole thing:
After 45 TV-minutes of whining about not getting a one-on-one date, Food Writer Britt gets the final solo date of the show. Bradmund looks like he's on the same 'roid cycle as Ronnie from the Jersey Shore, while Britt looks like she hasn't eaten since she arrived on the show two weeks ago.
Before they started the cliff diving portion of their date, Britt said she was terrified. She said that being terrified is her usual feeling. A terrified, anorexic food-writer? Sounds like a real treat to hang out with.
Brad obviously wasn't feeling it with Britt, so he decided to break the rules once again and send Britt home. Unfortunately for Britt's sake, she didn't see it coming and then grovelled to stay on the show. Dr. Jamie's therapy obviously worked, because Bradmund didn't cave in. In a legendary one-on-one exit, Brad sent Britt home from their yacht dinner on a life raft. OUCH. Britt then became the first rejectee to have to return to the house, explain why she's a loser to the other girls, and then pack her own bags without Hell's Ange assistance. Double OUCH.
The group date started at midnight with Divorcee Chantal, CEMII, and Dentist Ashley. All three of the ladies were fake-photographed for the SI Swimsuit issue. The hook was that the photographer challenged them to take their tops off. The first two, Divorcee and Dentist, obliged. CEMII, who has "done a little modeling before," upped the ante and did her photo shoot as a makeout session with Bradmund. Emotions ran a little high, and Bradmund couldn't handle the strain. Paging Dr. Phil.
(Liz said the above photo was "genius." Now that's some Valentine's Day love.)
Immature Dentist got the group date rose after begging not to be sent home. As Bradmund predicted, this sent Divorcee Chantal over the edge. Anguilla isn't in Vegas, right?
At the cocktail party, Bradmund finally turned to the best psychologist money can buy, Chris Harrison. Chris allowed Bradmund to break the rules one more time by skipping the cocktail party to go straight to the rose ceremony.
Bradmund decided which hometowns he wanted to visit and gave roses Dentist Ashley, Emily, the Undertaker Shawntel, and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Divorcee Chantal.
Yes, you read that correctly. CEMII did not get a rose. In preparation for this moment, a loyal reader suggested a couple new "classes" we might need to look into now:
1) O-Cem (organic chemistry)
2) P-Cem (the under-rated 'more difficult of the hardest chemistry class for pre-med undergrads - physical-chemistry)
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I have no idea where Anguilla is. I tried to google map it. They showed it was in the Caribbean somewhat near St. John in the USVIs. So I tried to map the distances to give me a frame of reference and google said it could not determine the distance. GOOGLE COULDNT DO IT! Did they travel to the Bermuda Triangle?
ReplyDeleteSome top notch photoshopping today, funny and relevant. I miss the original crazy gangsta Chem I.
As for next week, what the hell is going to happen? I am surprised the Dentist is still around. Her pathetic display was awful at their 3 on 1. And we need the completely scripted exit from Emily. So it's a Chantal - Shawntel battle for the Brad. Wow.
I think Anguilla is located at these GPS Co-ordinates 4.815 162.342
ReplyDeletehttp://www.docstoc.com/docs/55857036/Lost-Lost-and-analysis-of-obsessive-zz-4815162342
My favorite parts of this episode were the brad sound bites. How many seconds of "uhhhhhhhs" did he let out after sending brit to the dingy? He sounded like suicidal OJ negotiating with LA PD when he was with AC in the Bronco. Other faves: Captain Obvious Brad's "Kissing in the rain is Romantic" and rediculously dumb questions asking Brad: "Hey Ashely, do you have a second?"
The question that will never be answered is who's call was it not to have the cocktail party? Brad's? Because he knew Michelle would scare the shit out of him and she'd get a rose? or the Producers? cus they knew it too. We'll never know.