The Bachelor Episode IX: It Must Be a Fantasy Suite Dream Come True...

Brad starts off this uber important episode with a very reassuring, "I have no clue what I'm doing." Brad probably should have spent these past few weeks determining which lady he's most interested in. I'm no Bachelor expert, but that's the point of the show, right?

The beginning of this episode reminds me that we have reached the point where the winner of the show must be watching at home...horrified. Brad has a "strong connection" with each of these women, can't make up his mind, and might be "sampling the goods." These last two episodes have to play out like a horror movie for the winner.

Chantal O.

Chantal drew the first date of the episode. She also won the honor of being the first to show off the safari wardrobe that ABC figured would make them look as American as possible. I think Brad was actually wearing Tevas and socks.

The safari looked like fun. Lions, giraffes, zebras, and a lunch off the truck. WHOA. I'm no safari expert, but "lunch off the truck" seems like a good way to become lunch. There was a hippo in the background. Most dangerous dangerous animal around? Check.

Their dinner date was all about how this relationship needs to be real. No joking around. Chantal knows that relationships must be serious. She's been married. How come Chantal gets a pass on the previous marriage? Did her husband cheat on her? Seems like divorces are usually a bigger deal on the Bachelor/ette.

Chantal accepted the fantasy suite. The surprise was that it was in a tree house. Once again, seems like a risky proposition on a game preserve. Liz noticed that there were lots of lights on the tree house inevitably attracting bugs. Hope they took their anti-malaria pills.

Emily

Emily joined Brad. Brad ran away and came back on an elephant. How fun. An elephant walk! (you can look it up on urbandictionary.com . . . . just don't do it at work).

Bradmily got right to it and start discussing Ricky. Emily, of course, wants to know how eager Brad is to become Bradmilyicky.

Dinner with Brad and Emily started off poorly. Brad got really nervous and started talking like King George. Emily told Brad that she would be interested in Brad picking her. Not exactly the necessary "I'm falling in love with you."

The dream suite card arrived. Emily semantically chose to accept the card but only "to get to know Brad better." This tactic is the obvious nod to the audience saying "I will not be getting naked with this guy."

Emily finally broke down and said she loves Brad. Brad broke all the rules and told Emily he loves her too. Wait a second. Isn't that against the rules? ABC is so crafty. They are going to great lengths to set her up as the next Bachelorette.

Dental Student

I'm not ready to call her by her name yet. After last week, I just can't look at her the same way.

The date with the Dental Student started out with a helicopter ride. The Dental Student freaked out and said that helicopters are her biggest fear. The Bachelor is probably not the show for you if helicopters are your biggest fear.

ABC risked the lives of Brad and the Student by having another picnic in the wild. All of the sudden, the Student has no problem discussing how.......she's a student. Un-freakin-believable. I'm a brain surgeon. Well I'm actually a med student. But really I'm pre-med. But in all honesty, I'm the president of the Future Doctors Club at my high school.

Brad said that the Student reminds him of himself when he was her age (i.e. you seem really young). Though she's older than Emily, she has the maturity of a 17 year old.

It's probably an understatement to say dinner with Ashley went poorly. Though Brad thinks the Student is "one-in-a-million," he can't seem to make any sense when he talked to her. Brad should understand that he has trouble talking to her because he's no longer interested in her. Awkwardness at this stage? No rose for you.

Rose Ceremony

Brad seemed overwhelmed by the enormity of this decision. I think he should take it seriously since the final two ladies come home to meet Chad. For those of you that have been under a rock for the past 5 years, that's Brad's really cool twin brother.


At the beginning of the rose ceremony, Brad pulled the Student aside to tell her that they've lost their mojo together. They then proceeded to have the stupidest ten minute conversation about what went wrong that culminated in the Student getting axed.

Brad always thought the Student was going to be in the final two. Brad said he was amazed at how quickly things can change. Brad succinctly summed up why meeting a spouse on the Bachelor is a bad idea.

That means it's the Divorcee vs. the Next Bachelorette for the grand finale in two weeks.

Until next week, when the Student inevitably destroys Brad on The Women Tell All...