The Bachelorette Almost Fantasy Suite Episode: Emily's Race to Love

We are introduced to beautiful Curacao for the fantasy suite episode with Sean, SLC Jef and Indy Arie. As Mrs. Dugan and the lil' Dugans are vacationing, I got to play the part of Fleiss & Co. this past weekend setting up my own fantasy suite date in the Florida Keys for former Tank Bachelor candidate Matt H. and Terrier Friend C.A.. Enough for inside baseball, let's get back to the episode. How does one bachelor blogging father keep what self respect they have left? Make sure the Home Run Derby is on the second TV.

Emily begins the episode lauding the three remaining guys with compliments: 

• Sean
• "Immediate connection, would be best dad ever"
• "Only wants to get married once"
• "Always be there for her"
• "Deeper than butterflies" I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. BLAH BLAH BLAH.  – Do these people talk about actual life? Whether they will have joint checking accounts, religious beliefs, political beliefs…anything of significance?!?
• SLC Jef
• "own person, marches to own drum"
• "likes guys with an edge"
• "Quirky sense of humor"
• "Gets me in a way nobody else does"
• "Would make the best husband and the best step dad ever"
• Indy Arie
• Immediate connection (her thing for race car drivers...I'm looking at you Little E, Junior, Junebug)
• I keep wondering if they are grooming Arie to be the next bachelor?
• "Be my best friend, love me forever"

Emily concludes the prologue with the same speech given every year about falling for 3 guys at the same time and worrying about sending the wrong one home.  

Emily's Inquisition of Sean

What is Sean's big problem?  He has not dropped the L bomb yet. What does Sean have going for him? He gets to spend the day at Klein Island in Curacao.

This is the first episode of the season that there have been chinks in the Sean armor. His family opened him up to criticism based on past relationships. In conceited fashion, Sean says he maintained distance to prevent girlfriends from getting attached. I don't think Sean is helping himself and he knows it. What does Sean do? Offers up quote of the season material to change the subject: “So, I saw the snorkel stuff in the bag. Lets use it.” HILARIOUS. Sean, you win forever.

Later, at dinner, I start to wonder about Sean's chances. Does anyone believe that Sean likes Emily? Doubt is creeping. When he starts reading a letter to Ricki, I roll my eyes and think there is no way that’s his handwriting. I start to question if the same producer that dated Indy Arie writes all these notes. Then, the Fantasy Suite card comes out. Hmmmmm. Pretty, pretty similar.

As for that Fantasy Suite card , Emily gives him the boot. Woa. 

Sailing with SLC Jef

SLC Jef and Emily sail to an island for some paddle-surfing, cliff jumping and beach time. SLC Jef assures Emily that she passed his family's expectations. Now that she passed his family's test, SLC wants to meet Ricki to know if it can work with her. 

Before dinner, SLC offers a ridiculous quote. It's so bad I feel bad about typing it: “Sun is setting here in Curacao, but for me and Emily a whole life together is starting” – oh gad.

Dinner with SLC Jef

I appreciate that SLC Jef is getting past platitudes and asking real questions. 

• Where do you want to live? 
• Why can’t you find a guy? 
• Am I a good fit for Ricki?

SLC Jef says no to the fantasy suite card out of respect. Strong move. She wanted to turn him down but he beat her to the punch. 

Sailing with Indy Arie

Indy Arie and Emily are going swimming with wild dolphins in the ocean. This is not Sea World. Dugan has done this. Here.

But I did it at that lighthouse. And I completely understand why Emily was scared. But Indy Arie was not scared swimming with Dolphins proving he’d be a great dad. Seriously? I don't follow.

Over dinner, Emily keeps talking about how hard it will be to turn down the fantasy suite with Indy Arie. But she wants to know what Indy Arie is like on just a regular day. Not a day at the track, but just a regular day. 

What does Indy Arie do? “I sleep in and go out almost every meal.” I half-heartedly expected Emily to say that's why she thinks Arie is ready to be a father. She is willing to forgive Arie pretty much anything to get back together with a race car driver.

The Rose Ceremony

The guys make videos for Emily. I’ll recap the videos: the guys like her. It's island casual theme for the rose ceremony. And the first rose goes to SLC JEF! SHOCKED! Then Indy Arie. Less shocked, but still pretty surprised with SLC Jef over Sean. His lack of a nickname proved fatal.

Who is most happy about this decision?

But let's take a closer look at Sean's exit.

It looks pretty desolate. 1am? 2am? We know the early-season rose ceremonies go late. How about later in the season? I checked the departures for the Curacao airport (see link). Sorry, Sean, you are not flying direct out of Curacao back to Texas. Shit, you aren't going anywhere for a while. So that really means the drive away is just for show and he returns back to the hotel with all the crew, Emily, SLC and Indy. Ouch.

Until next week and the Men Tell All. 

The Bachelorette Hometown Episode: Emily's Race to Love

Who needs the Olympic Trials!?  I only watch if you can win a gold.  And tonight, Emily gets one step closer to the gold.

From Left to Right: Bob Costas, Ryan Lochte, Michael Phelps, Nastia Liukin, and SLC Jef (nobody could legitimately mistake him for an athlete).  Not pictured: Bobblehead Chris (there's no chance he medals).

After a quick trip around the globe, well, Western Europe, Emily's race to love returned to the United States.  And also Utah.

Before hometown dates, Emily recapped the guys and their good qualities.

1) Bobblehead Chris: knows how to admit when he's wrong
2) SLC Jef: adventurous, good husband and father
3) Indy Arie: good kisser, fun, romantic
4) Sean: good heart, gentlemen, perfect life

Did I mention Bobblehead has no chance?

Chicago with Bobblehead Chris


Chris started off the date by revealing a big secret.  He's actually the only minority on the show.  He's "first generation Polish-American."  On a scale of "one to Polish," he's Polish (Chris's joke, not mine).  It appears that the lawsuit against ABC might be in trouble as long as Chris is around.

Emily and Chris went to a Polish bar and rehashed the last rose ceremony. Chris apologized again.  Emily repeated that Chris would be a great husband because he knows how to admit his wrongs.  Emily's future husband: a very apologetic baby maker.

Chris's dad was pretty awesome.  A thick Polish accent.  The top two buttons of his shirt undone.  An intense gold chain.  He kind of seemed like governor-of-California material.

Chris's sister Renee asked Emily to let him go if Chris is not the one.  I would be scared of her if I were Emily.  Did it seem a bit like Renee was doing her best to copy Emily's physical appearance?

Bobblehead Renee doing her best Emily impersonation.

At the end of the date, Chris kept saying he's in love with Emily.  This process is not going to end well for him.

Utah with SLC Jef


Predictably, Jef's family lives on a ranch.  A ranch would provide lots of privacy (read: cover) from government officials trying to crack down on his family's religious freedom.

SLC Jef took Emily out shooting at clay pigeons.  Emily pulled a Sante Fe switch and did not tell Jef that she's a semi-professional marksman.  Maybe these two have more in common that we thought.

Or maybe they don't.  Jef introduced Emily to about half of his family:

Have you ever hung out with one of those people that always kind of seems like they are quoting the bible?  That's Jef's brother Steve.

I was too busy researching the fundamentalist Mormon Church, and I missed where Jef's parents were? Could someone please enlighten me in the comment section.

Jef is looking more and more like Alby Grant.

Phoenix with Indy Arie


This date predictably started on a racetrack.  Emily did not take Jef up on his offer to bring one of the guns with her and shoot Arie in the leg.

Arie expressed concern that his parents are very European.  What's the big deal?  Europeans are just like us.

Photo courtesy of Dugan

Arie's mom looked like a cross between Elizabeth Banks and Frau Farbissina from Austin Powers.  Her name is Mieke.  Paging Stieg Larsson.  

Arie's family is obviously very wealthy.  Has the contestant from the wealthy family ever won?  There's at least one every year, and if memory serves, I don't think they usually fare well.   I'm going to have to scour the Bachelor archives on Netflix. 

I guess the date is over.  Somewhat uneventful overall.

Dallas with Sean

Sean has a big secret.  Fleiss and Co. have been teasing us the whole episode.  Will his "secret" make bigger headlines than Anderson Cooper's announcement today?  We'll know in a few short minutes.  

Emily met Sean's family.  He has a niece named Kensington and a nephew named Smith.  Where are we going as a society?

Sean's big secret was that he lives at home.  Emily, reeling in horror, put on a good face as Sean took her to his bedroom filled with stuffed animals and half-eaten cookies.  Once we saw the room, it was obviously a joke.  And not a very funny one.  I would have preferred the secret to be that Sean has two dads.  If you watched the episode, you would know that would not have been too far-fetched.  

After sharing a Cinemax-style kiss, Emily was off to make her decision. 

Roses


Three roses for four guys.  As always, musical chairs style.

The first rose goes to Indy Arie.

The second rose to SLC Jef.

The final rose of the night to Sean.

In a major blow to Polish-Americans, Bobblehead Chris is headed home, but not without a fight.  Chris took an angry tone with her on the way out.  Seems like some anger management classes might be in the offing.

Until next week in Curacao (the island, not the drink).

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Emily's Race Towards Love

These seasons of the Bachelor/ette have become much more difficult to blog since Lebron and Wade have the Heat playing in late May/June. I apologize for the fans waiting to hear our recap. This week had two One-on-Ones and a Group Date. 

Bobblehead's Climb for Love...and Dinner

Bobblehead began the night with a climb up the side of a Charlotte Building. Dugan confesses he does not know anything about Charlotte and will continue to deride it as a Podunk sleepy southern town where all the residents sip sweet tea and dress up for dinner at Applebees. So they climbed the tallest building in Charlotte: 

As a Hurricane descended on Charlotte during the climb, Emily began whimpering. Mrs. Dugan said it was only because she feared her makeup would run. This climb was the most annoying Emily has been on the season. At the top of the Waffle House, Bobblehead wanted a kiss but settled for a high five.

After the high five, the date is going pretty well until Emily finds out Bobblehead is only 25. 

Uh oh. Red Flag. Bobblehead tumbles from a favorite all the way to less than favorite. They danced to some country guy who had incredible lyrics: "You make my speakers go Boom Boom..." and Bobblehead drops some head scratching quotes: 

• "greatest experience of my life"
• "this has to be the top moment of my life"

What the hell is happening? Are Fleiss & Co. slipping Spanish Fly into the guys drinks on these dates. 

Group Interrogation

The next date brought the guys to Guantanamo to face intense questioning from Emily's friends. Ok, it was a park in Charlotte. Plywood Tony, Trauma Charlie, Ollie Handro, MC Stevie, Uncle Rico, Grain Merchant, Sean, Wolf, Michael Ponytail, Father Doug, SLC Jef, and the Egg Man get to face tough questions then take their aggression out on local kids.

In a huge surprise, Plywood Tony and Father Doug talk about also having kids. Get over it. We know you have kids. Does that mean anyone with a kid should automatically step to the front of the date Emily line? If so, watch out Mrs. Dugan. These guys need something else. That well is dry. 

In other highlights:

• SLC Jef points out he has a thing for single moms. He should have brought that up with Token.
• Egg Man's act is wearing thin
• MC Stevie busts a move

• Sean stands out, talks about his faith a little too much, and will most likely cheat on Emily with her friend Wendy
• Uncle Rico does pushups in a very Uncle Ricoesque move. Fitness is important to Rico as he explains that Emily better keep fit. (This did not go over well with Emily or her friends). I immediately thought of the following:

After Party

Is it odd that I wondered if there could be an after party for Guantanamo interrogations? Yes? Ok, I'm not well. Moving on to Emily's after party where she asked Father Doug to explain ANYTHING else about him besides his fatherness. Oops. It was 6 or 7 sentences and it involved epilepsy, abandonment by his mother, his father's premature death and splitting up from his only family left (sister) via foster homes. GO BACK TO FATHERNESS! Go back and never come back. 

Sean's parents still kiss! We are all proud of you and your family, Sean. Plywood Tony misses his son and Emily obliges.

Indy Arie Goes to Dollywood

Isn't ABC a Disney company? Anyone else surprised that Fleiss & Co. got Disney to produce a full-on infomercial for Dollywood? Emily must be pulling some strong strings behind the scenes. But by the looks of it, Dollywood is hurting for business as there was no one at the park besides Indy Arie and Emily. Arie, ala SLC Jef and Token, has a thing for single moms and secures the rose. Emily continues talking about children - and having lots more - more than anyone else on show history.

Rose Ceremony

• Kalon doesn't like that he missed out on a date this week. Emily's body language is not good. Kalon doesn't help when he offers this gem: "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish." Ouch babe. That silver tongue will probable secure a producer's rose for Kalon. 
• Egg Man gets rid of the egg. 
• The Grain Merchant is a Gypsy King "with all the freedom I've ever wanted." She kicks him off and this is all I can think of:

• Uncle Rico doesn't like Indy Arie moving in on his old lady in another very Uncle Ricoesque move. He calls race car driver Indy Arie a "dainty man." As Dugan Guest Lindsey points out, "this comes from a man who sculpts his beard."
• Bobblehead, Sean and Indy Arie are safe followed by SLC Jef, Trauma Charlie, Father Doug, Michael Ponytail, Egg Man, Ollie Handro, Uncle Rico, Wolf, Kalon Hilfiger (producer's choice), and Nasty Nate.

Nasty Nate and Michael Ponytail are going to vie for going the longest with no camera time. I am rooting for you both.

Goodbye MC Stevie and Grain Merchant. Your dancing and 3rd cousin dating stories will be missed.

Until next week.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Emily's Race Towards Love

Notice anything different?  No, Emily is still the same and Harrison is still amazing.  Our faithful viewers might notice that I renamed the blog.  What do you think?

The episode started off with a local news station's report on how this season is going to draw attention to Charlotte.  I know nothing about Charlotte so this should be grrrrreat.

Solo Date - Uncle Rico Ryan

As Uncle Rico prepared for his date, all of the men were around the pool.  What do chest hair and minorities have in common?  Neither of them are on the Bachelorette.

Uncle Rico struck out on his date theme when Emily drove him to her house and said that he had to make cookies for soccer practice.  Some guys get bungee jumping in Interlaken, and some have to sit in the car as the Bachelorette drops off juice boxes.  

At night, Uncle Rico got a date on the town in Charlotte at "Osso," one of Charlotte's most popular restaurants...but only because Emily went there.  

At the end of the date, Uncle Rico said that Emily "looks best in the kitchen."  Whoa Nellie.  Emily found that charming.  Maybe I just don't understand Southern charm, honey boo boo child.  

Though maybe "too perfect," Uncle Rico took the date rose.

Group Date - Ollie Handro, Nate, Allesandro, Plywood Tony, Michael, SLC Jef, Trauma Charlie, Kyle, MC Stevie, Kalon Hilfiger, Mr. Aaron, Chris, Wolf

The massive group date was at a theater with the Muppets.  The guys had the task of performing with the muppets for charity.  Plywood Tony proceeded to do a shocking (in quality and pitch) impression of Miss Piggy.  

Trauma Charlie feared his impending stand-up performance.  Who can blame him?  According to Uncle Rico, Trauma Charlie "fell off a balcony and smashed his face."  Trauma Charlie then told Emily that he has a speech disability that he is working on, thus he would rather sing the Rainbow Connection.  MC Stevie was wearing a newsboy hat, so he must also have some sort of impediment, but he made no excuses.  

Overall, the show was predictably disappointing.  The best part for the audience was that a portion of the ticket price is a tax write off.  

Illogical side note: Emily wouldn't introduce Uncle Rico to her daughter Rickie, but she was in the audience at the Muppet show watching all these guys profess their love to her mom.  

Later on in the night at the fireplace cocktail hour, the drama started with MC Stevie slow dancing with Emily.  Kalon Hilfiger cut in, drawing MC Stevie's ire.  Karma proved to be shrew (synonym of bitch) when Mr. Aaron cut off his date time.  MC Stevie called out Kalon Hilfiger for his complaining, thus starting our first rivalry of guys that have no chance to win.

SLC Jef with one f got the rose.

Solo Date - Leprechaun Joe

This date put Uncle Rico's date to shame.  Emily flew Joe to West Virginia where Emily used to "summer" at the Greenbrier.  Here's a picture of it (no joke):

Back at the house, Kalon Hilfiger criticized Father Doug for "putting his father duties on hold."  Fr. Doug told Kalon to watch his mouth and apologize because Doug only came on the show "once his son told him to."  I'm calling Leprechaun Joe shenanigans on a 12-year-old asking his father to leave for three months.  Ask Kevin McCallister how that worked out:

Back on the date, Leprechaun Joe made the early promise to pack up his bags and move wherever she wants him to move.  I wonder what he is running from?  Maybe his "Field Energy Advisor" job?

Unfortunately, Joe is only going to be running home to LA to continue offering advice to all of the fields with the most energy.

Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party

It's 10:37 pm.  I'm fading quickly.  Mrs. Wags has already headed to bed.  Self pep talk: stay strong.  You can finish this!

My favorite part of the cocktail party was when one of the guys said that Kalon "uses his vocabulary to show his dominance."  I'm absolutely saying that line tomorrow at work.

Additional roses went to Kalon Hlifiger, Indy Arie, Michael Ponytail, Nate, Sean, Bobblehead Chris, Father Doug, Travis, Plywood Tony, Wolf, Alessandro, Trauma Charlie, Ollie Handro (she actually pronounced it pretty well tonight), and MC Stevie (no guy that goes by Stevie is ever going to win this).

Goodbye Mr. Aaron and Kyle.

Until next week with some country music superstars...

The Bachelorette: Third Engagement's the Charm

Ok, it's week one and we'll need a better name for this season but your authors at WWT are very excited for Emily as the Bachelorette. We called it on opening night of Brad's season, but he messed that one up leaving us with the Dental Student and the Winemaker. Emily and the Blog are going to bring it this season...so let's get started.

Emily's sit down with Chris


Emily sits down with Chris for the customary introduction to the season to discuss life story, nerves, goals, etc. Luckily for those of us not looking to be depressed every Monday night, Emily is done talking about her horrific first engagement, plane crash, and subsequent revelation that she was pregnant with her deceased fiance's baby. Emily explains that she is ready to find someone. Brad's season helped her realize she could love again. Nowadays, she puts Ricky to bed about 7:30pm and retires to her room to read 50 Shades of Grey - like every other woman in America. She's looking for a soulmate and a father to her daughter. Aren't most single moms? Oh...true...most don't look like Emily.

Let's meet some of the guys


Fleiss & Co also use this trick every year. We get vignettes with a handful of the guys in their respective hometowns. Why do I enjoy it? Every year they choose to highlight someone that will be cut on opening night which is kind of cruel.  Who will it be this time?

• Kalon, the "modern southern gentlemen" from Houston.
• Uncle Rico, a football player from Augusta, Ga. (Thank you MG for name)
• Tony, the plywood purchaser from Beaverton, Or. (also a father - single fathers are all over the place. You never hear about single fathers, I am glad ABC is taking the time to introduce the demographic to America)
• Token, real estate consultant from LA. What Token does not know is that the Carolinas do not extend the full faith and credit to Loving v. Virginia, 388 U.S. 1 (1967), which does not bode well for his future with Emily.
• Token mentions that Emily being a single mom is "one of the most attractive things about her." In isolation, I chuckled but he repeated it to her during his entrance and I think he is just into moms.
• Singer/songwriter David who is quite the lyricist. He wrote a song about the Bachelorette. It was catchy: "Emily...Emileeeee....EMILEEEEEEEEE"
• Trauma Charlie from Nashville mentions his head injury multiple times but informed is that "nothing is wrong with my heart." If I'm Emily, I am much more concerned about the severe brain trauma.
• SLC Jef is a skateboarding CEO who builds wells for charity. And he shits roses.
• Indy Arie, the race car driver ensures there will be a palindrome every week and who can't get excited for that? He also is near the top in Dugan's nickname off for this season.

Stop! It's Limo Time

Harrison rocks the skinny tie a la Wags and we are about to begin. Emily explains to America how she wants this to end: "A MINIVAN FULL OF BABIES" And let's meet the lucky guys...

• Sean the insurance agent from Dallas - Usually it is not a good sign when you don't have a nickname because you are either not memorable or they purposely left your tape on the cutting room floor...
• Lyricist Dave from NYC
• Father Doug is a Charity Director/Realtor from Seattle but he really pushes the single father angle early and often.
• Fitness Jackson is in good shape. And a douche.
• Joe is a Field Energy Advisor in LA. A what? This is what I picture Joe doing in a field.

• That's a dowsing/divining rod in the picture if you can't tell.
• Indy Arie from Scottsdale
• Kyle from Long Beach who wore a turquoise tie (apparently that's enough)
• Bobblehead Chris from Chicago
• Mr. Aaron, the Bio Teacher who is looking for "Chemistry." FYI, that joke would have killed with his high school students.
• A Grain Merchant from St. Paul via Brasil who does not have a Bio on ABC.
• SPOILER ALERT
• Did you see who did have Bios on there? Ames, Bentley, Blake, Frank, Matt, Ryan M., Ryan P., Dollar Bill...who isn't coming back this season?
• SLC Jef
• Token, who once again brings up his thing for single moms
• Jersey Steve who likes to dance and hates helicopters (never good for being on this show)
• Trauma Charlie
• Plywood pusher Tony brings up a lame Prince Charming, Cinderella scene
• Only to be one upped by Old Lady Randy...Grandy
• Nate is an accountant from LA (note: Mrs. Dugan calls a favorite)
• 40 year old virgin from Fresno (this is funny when you hear more about him later)
• "Wolf" who works in E-Discovery...I mean is a data destruction specialist
• Egg Man Travis promises to take care of an ostrich egg to show how he will protect Emily and Ricky. But will he guard and protect their hearts? 
• Michael is a rehab counselor from Austin
• Poutine is a French Canadian Marine Biologist living in Seattle. Honest. I swear. Ok, his name wasn't Poutine.
• Alejandro is an import/exporter from Medellin. Oh no, he's a farmer from Medellin. This is hilarious. Why don't you call him a pharmacist from Medellin. Or a speedboat driver. A pilot. I could go on all day. And night.
• Uncle Rico was a professional athlete and now lives in Augusta, Ga. A tradition like no other...WWT.

• Kalon arrived via helicopter. When I think helicopter, two things come to mind and both are amazing 80's television shows: Airwolf and Magnum PI.

 Kalon isn't cool enough to be named TC. And he isn't cool enough to be nicknamed Airwolf. He's not even cool enough to be nicknamed Ernest Borgnine. We'll work on it.

First Impressions and Roses

I fully understand there are about 2 people still reading the blog so I will get on with it and wrap this up quickly. Charlie Trauma jokes about having a titanium face - still no word on his brain. The 40 Yr Old Virgin has 6 kids. Oops. The guys toast to the "hottest mom." Emily thinks Bobblehead is super hot and SLC Jef is too cool for school, Father Doug is continuing to work that angle with a poem from his son. I keep thinking about a 12 yr old having Emily as his step mom. Things will get awkward at Father Doug's home in less than 12 months if Emily picks him. Sock laundry will also pick up. Grandy, Egg Man and the Wolf are sweating out the lack of one-on-one time. 

In a surprise, Father Doug receives the first impression rose followed by Bobblehead, Uncle Rico, Helicopter Boy, Indy Arie, Trauma Charlie, SLC Jef, Nate, Sean, Joe, Kyle, Mr. Aaron, Escobar, Wolf, Brazilian Grain Merchant, Michael, Jersey, Plywood Tony, and the Egg Man.

Dismissed in night one were Token, 40 Yr Old Virgin, Grandy, Poutine, the Lyricist, and Fitness Jackson. 

Until next week. Let the nicknames marinate and please feel free to suggest new and/or revised ones for your ego-less authors at WWT.

Through the Eyes of Emily, Ya'all.

Well, ya'all, I'm really excited to bring you this recap of the finale through the eyes of your next bachelorette winner. Fuck. I won? Well, listen here lil' angels, and I'll tell ya'll a storey about a prince named Brad, a wicked witch named Chantal and a fairy princess named Emily.

I knew Chantal would be meeting with Brad's family first. Look, she's a sweet thang and all, but therez no way she can match my storie. And the producers have told me all along I would be the next bachelor girl. The meeting with Brad's family was sweet until the tubby brother, Wes, kept on bringing up the deceased love of my life, Ricky. No, Wes, ricky's daddy aint going to be a major hangup.He gone. Chad and Wes take Brad aside and tell him how miserable life will be as a daddy. This show presents parenting as nightly trips to the hospital while losing all your friends, free time and fun. ABC's Bachelor did more for abstinence in 2 hours than our sweet southern states have over the last decade.

When I sat down with Brad's mom, Pam, I wanted to see if I could make her head explode. I went through my tragedy a few more times just so it really hit home. I got her good and swelled up with tears. Then, I called her son, Brad, my angel. More tears. Then she began to fizzle and spark like a fembot. Then I showed her my bracelet that I wear everyday with my dead Ricky's initials.

And then I told her how I can't wait to have Brad's initials on my wrist. And her head blew up. Golly, it waz funny. Once I secured the family's vote, it was down to our one-on-ones.

I knew the producers would put that ho in a bathing suit one more time. Id be surprized if she didnt go ATM. Who the hell manages to show boobies in a wet suit? But the producers didn't let Brad stay overnight. Damn, that's when Chantal could have clinched it and eased my path as the next Bachelorette.

The golly darn producers put me in another flying machine to a picnic. If I go on one more fucking picnic with Brad, I'm going to shoot someone. Let's recap:

1. Winery picnic

2. Rose ceremony picnic

3. Deserted island picnic

4. Safari picnic

5. Cape of Good Hope Picnic.

I give it one more shot telling Brad how much it sucks being a parent. Mind you, I've been on this show for so long that North Carolina Department of Children and Families has taken lil' Ricky away from me so Brad won't have to be a parent if we win. After Brad's brothers and I are done with him, this is Brad's view of lil' Ricky:

It's the morning of the rose ceremony and the full team of makeup and hair artists come and get me ready. Then they tell me to get back in bed so they can get a shot of me waking up fully dolled up and run to the windowsill to look aimlessly at the ocean. What's odd is that I do that all the time in Charlotte!!!

Let's get to the rose ceremony. I chucked when we were going to Ernie Els winery as I always referred to Chantal as "Big Easy."  Nearing the rose ceremony, I begin to re-think this bachelorette thing. I actually like Brad. We could make this work. And it helps that we are in formal wear. Chantal wood've a better chance if she dressed lika Hooters girl. It's go time.

The Bachelor Episode IX: It Must Be a Fantasy Suite Dream Come True...

Brad starts off this uber important episode with a very reassuring, "I have no clue what I'm doing." Brad probably should have spent these past few weeks determining which lady he's most interested in. I'm no Bachelor expert, but that's the point of the show, right?

The beginning of this episode reminds me that we have reached the point where the winner of the show must be watching at home...horrified. Brad has a "strong connection" with each of these women, can't make up his mind, and might be "sampling the goods." These last two episodes have to play out like a horror movie for the winner.

Chantal O.

Chantal drew the first date of the episode. She also won the honor of being the first to show off the safari wardrobe that ABC figured would make them look as American as possible. I think Brad was actually wearing Tevas and socks.

The safari looked like fun. Lions, giraffes, zebras, and a lunch off the truck. WHOA. I'm no safari expert, but "lunch off the truck" seems like a good way to become lunch. There was a hippo in the background. Most dangerous dangerous animal around? Check.

Their dinner date was all about how this relationship needs to be real. No joking around. Chantal knows that relationships must be serious. She's been married. How come Chantal gets a pass on the previous marriage? Did her husband cheat on her? Seems like divorces are usually a bigger deal on the Bachelor/ette.

Chantal accepted the fantasy suite. The surprise was that it was in a tree house. Once again, seems like a risky proposition on a game preserve. Liz noticed that there were lots of lights on the tree house inevitably attracting bugs. Hope they took their anti-malaria pills.

Emily

Emily joined Brad. Brad ran away and came back on an elephant. How fun. An elephant walk! (you can look it up on urbandictionary.com . . . . just don't do it at work).

Bradmily got right to it and start discussing Ricky. Emily, of course, wants to know how eager Brad is to become Bradmilyicky.

Dinner with Brad and Emily started off poorly. Brad got really nervous and started talking like King George. Emily told Brad that she would be interested in Brad picking her. Not exactly the necessary "I'm falling in love with you."

The dream suite card arrived. Emily semantically chose to accept the card but only "to get to know Brad better." This tactic is the obvious nod to the audience saying "I will not be getting naked with this guy."

Emily finally broke down and said she loves Brad. Brad broke all the rules and told Emily he loves her too. Wait a second. Isn't that against the rules? ABC is so crafty. They are going to great lengths to set her up as the next Bachelorette.

Dental Student

I'm not ready to call her by her name yet. After last week, I just can't look at her the same way.

The date with the Dental Student started out with a helicopter ride. The Dental Student freaked out and said that helicopters are her biggest fear. The Bachelor is probably not the show for you if helicopters are your biggest fear.

ABC risked the lives of Brad and the Student by having another picnic in the wild. All of the sudden, the Student has no problem discussing how.......she's a student. Un-freakin-believable. I'm a brain surgeon. Well I'm actually a med student. But really I'm pre-med. But in all honesty, I'm the president of the Future Doctors Club at my high school.

Brad said that the Student reminds him of himself when he was her age (i.e. you seem really young). Though she's older than Emily, she has the maturity of a 17 year old.

It's probably an understatement to say dinner with Ashley went poorly. Though Brad thinks the Student is "one-in-a-million," he can't seem to make any sense when he talked to her. Brad should understand that he has trouble talking to her because he's no longer interested in her. Awkwardness at this stage? No rose for you.

Rose Ceremony

Brad seemed overwhelmed by the enormity of this decision. I think he should take it seriously since the final two ladies come home to meet Chad. For those of you that have been under a rock for the past 5 years, that's Brad's really cool twin brother.


At the beginning of the rose ceremony, Brad pulled the Student aside to tell her that they've lost their mojo together. They then proceeded to have the stupidest ten minute conversation about what went wrong that culminated in the Student getting axed.

Brad always thought the Student was going to be in the final two. Brad said he was amazed at how quickly things can change. Brad succinctly summed up why meeting a spouse on the Bachelor is a bad idea.

That means it's the Divorcee vs. the Next Bachelorette for the grand finale in two weeks.

Until next week, when the Student inevitably destroys Brad on The Women Tell All...

The Bachelor: Season 14 "I'm Sorry" Premiere

Big Monday has arrived. At work today, I had to restrain myself from telling people that I was excited for the season premiere of the Bachelor: Brad is Back. I felt like most of my colleagues would react similar to Roger and Don, my TV heroes.



But don't despair loyal Reader. Our fear of public humiliation will not deter us from blogging this 14th season of The Bachelor (and that's not including the additional 6 seasons of The Bachelorette). As far as I'm concerned, Emmy-award-worthy shows be damned.

With our summary, I begin:

Chris opened by telling us this is "already one of the most shocking seasons in Bachelor history." How? Because it started with Brad on the beach? Because the opening music is emotional and romantic? I'm not seeing it yet Chris. I wasn't particularly shocked by any of it.

The show began with informing us how broken Brad is. After he chose neither Jenni nor Deanna, poor Brad had to go to therapy because of the bloggers! WE DID IT! SI SE PUEDE! Liz wanted to know why Brad's twin brother Chad wasn't there for him? I figured that Chad must find Brad's whining as annoying as everyone else.

We were then introduced to 9 of the ladies. These are obviously the 9 favorites. I know how you operate Harrison! You can't fool me! This isn't my first rodeo.

1) Ashley H. - dentist, talks to Ben Franklin statues, dances like Tom Cruise in her socks, guarantees "healthy gums"
2) Shawntel N. - funeral director
3) Ashley S. - dead father issues, making me sad just watching her story
4) Chantal O. - another girl with an initial last name, divorcee, better at selling cars than dating
5) Michelle - mother, "not here to make friends"
6) Raichel the Manscaper - men get Brazilian waxes?
7) Megan - loves shopping
8) Madison - wears fangs, probably is on Team Edward
9) Emily - southern belle, husband was Ricky Bobby who died in car crash, daughter named after Ricky Bobby.

Before beginning Brad's 2nd search for love, Jenni and Deanna came back to give him a piece of their mind and get their overdue apology. This little charade just reminded me how much I dislike Deanna. I think they already made a movie about this (Deanna should check it out):




All of the ladies came out of the limo. Brad got slapped by one of them. Most of them said Brad has "a lot of 'splaining to do." I'm not so sure why Brad needed to be endlessly guilt-tripped right away. I don't think Chad would approve of anyone being so mean to his twin. When ladies are mean to Brad, Chad can feel his pain from hundreds of miles away (it's an identical twin thing).

Cocktail Party

Brad started off the cocktail party with a speech/apology for being a two-time Bachelor. He also gave any of the women the opportunity to leave. Predictably, none of the women decided to pack up and leave. One of them should have done it so Chris Harrison could have announced the most dramatic moment in Bachelor history.

Brad continued the cocktail party with his many apologies. Chris Harrison could have saved him a bunch of time by just playing this song on repeat the whole time...



The cocktail party continued with the ladies jockeying for the first impression rose. Brad was constantly "stolen" from every conversation he was in. I have a theory that Brad is contractually required to go with whomever "steals" him. Liz thinks Brad wants to be stolen away so he can get out of dumb conversations.

Brad gave the first impression rose Ashley/Tenley. Michelle Menunos was very angry about Brad's choice because "she's a woman, not a little girl." I like where this bitterness could lead as the season goes on.

Rose Ceremony

At the Rose Ceremony, Brad gave the producers what they wanted, a rose for Madison Twighlight, the girl with fangs. She's going to drive all of the other women crazy because she's clearly not there for the right reasons.

The ceremony ended with all 9 Favorites getting roses. As the ceremony was ending, Liz and I noticed that there are no minorities and no ages listed by their names.

At the end, Chris Harrison proclaimed that this will be the most "controversial" season of The Bachelor. Consider my interest piqued.