The Bachelor Episode 9: Whiskey, Andi, Finland.

Good evening, friends. We left off last week with Andi Dorfman knocking on Hans' door. Offered whiskey or wine, she follows Wags' lead and opts for the whiskey. It appears that Andi's only reason for being on the show was to give Hans a sex pep talk for the upcoming overnights. If you hop in the way back machine...we harken back to Andi's season when finalist Hans was very upset that Andi slept with him before cutting him in the finale. Hans assumed overnight suite sex secured the final rose. It. did. not.

Basically, Andi tells Hans to man up and not let his former hurt feelings prevent him from sleeping with these girls and similarly breaking their hearts. Great talk, counselor.

Rose Ceremony Time

Going into the final few episodes, there have been few true surprises this season. The early exit of Business Owner Danielle was my one exception and this rose ceremony supplied surprise number two.

To recap:

We have the favorite, Special Ed Vanessa, who still doesn't understand that Hans gets to date other girls. Basically, this means she doesn't get the main premise of the show. Despite that, she is likely still too good for Hans. We also have next Bachelorette Rachel who absolutely is too good for Hans and needs to get cut without too much collateral damage. We have It’s So Raven who wants to get the hell out of Moxie, Arkansas. And finally, we have Ivanka on the main stage. Ivanka. Main stage.

I googled jane loincloth to get some images to photoshop to explain Ivanka's dress. Instead, I found her actual attire for the rose ceremony.

Surprisingly didn't work

The first rose is given to Raven. A mild surprise but I still expect Rachel to go. RACHEL gets the second rose. That means Special Ed Vanessa or Ivanka is going home. Special Ed gets the rose. And we will welcome Ivanka back home to sunny South Florida. We missed you Ivanka. You have been a wonderful Florida Woman keeping our kooky reputation in tact.

I expected a little more from our dear Ivanka. It turns out she was a modern Icarus, flying too close to the sun.

Hans does Finland.

I love you Mike Fleiss & Co. He brought Hans, the 13th Prince of the Southern Isles, to Finland for overnights. We begin with a That's So Raven helicopter ride. It looks very cold in Finland. And they explain that it's only sunny a couple hours a day. What hours? 8-10am? 12-2pm? 5-7pm? Does anyone else find this curious?

You know what else is curious? Finnish darts. Don't know what I'm talking about? Take a close look at that Finnish dartboard.

WTF?

They talk about their future. He’ll cook. She'll fold. Stopped paying attention as I google Finnish Darts.

That's So Raven reveals her modest sexual history along with the lack of orgasms. I can't decide if that puts more or less pressure on Hans. But that's not the confusing part. Raven explains that the lack of orgasm was a trust issue. Acceptable. But she's looking forward to sex with a guy simultaneously dating 30 other women? No trust issues there? WOMEN MAKE NO SENSE.

In other news, I'm worried that Hans' Turtleneck might make this discussion moot. No male has ever worn a turtleneck and ended up having sex. It's a fact. Don't even bother looking it up. Or you can check back next week when Wags' takes the keyboard for a 3 hour episode. WHAT?

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 5 Recap: The Gif that Keeps on Giving

We pick up this episode where we left the last. Tension building in the house and most of it dealing with Clint/Thor. Every guy but Federal JJ appears to be narcing on Thor and our Bachelorette has had enough.

It boils down to this for Kaitlyn: “This is not someone I want to marry.” Thor is out the door and Kaitlyn explains it to the guys. Out of nowhere, JJ thrusts the knife into Thor’s back demanding he apologize to the guys.

Et tu, Federal JJ?

While it was tough to see the bromance breakup, the parting shot was a highlight. Thor insulted Federal JJ’s tie on the way out! Ouch.

Kaitlyn needs more time and the rose ceremony is cancelled. It’s time to hit the road and New York, New York is stop No. 1.

New York Rap Battle

It’s a Group Date with Detroit Jonathon, Other Trainer Justin, Trainer Ben, Realtor Ryan, One of the Two Coreys, Tanner Dog, Federal JJ, and The Ugly Gosling.

Doug E. Fresh is introduced as The World’s Greatest Entertainer. I start to question that moniker until I realize he sang la di da di AND he’s hosting the Bachelor/ette’s first Rap Battle. If there’s something Wags and I know as well as the Bachelor/ette, it’s Rap Battles. Living in the mean streets of 7 1/3 will do that to you.

We lived here. Seriously. 7 1/3 for life.

And we saw 8 mile in the theaters.

Ugly Gosling v. Other Trainer Justin

Coreys v. JJ

Ben v. Tanner Dog

Detroit Jonathan v. Realtor Ryan

Rap Battle Highlights:

• Fed JJ has never listened to any rap. This is an absurd statement. Never? Not even accidentally? Not in a movie soundtrack? He then makes another, almost as absurd statement: he prefers broadway show tunes. How’d that work out in prison, JJ? I bet he kept that to himself. I’ve seen Orange is the New Black, so I know what its like to be in prison.
• This is by far the whitest and highest percentage women crowd in rap battle crowd history.
• The crowd does include one male, Hans.
• And Mrs. Dugan points out who Hans is with. The Maculate Virgin. This is a hall of fame nickname couple.
• Kaitlyn dropped a funny line about it being the first rap battle with two guys in khakis.
• The guys have an after party on a boat. My favorite rappers on a boat? Easy call.

The night fell flat as the guys began to fear Hans entering the fray. Most of the guys did not approve, Other Trainer Justin didn’t mind and that secured the rose.

Hans and Maculate Virgin were not the only cameos as Crazy Ashley jumps in to offer thoughts on Hans. She was surprisingly lucid.

Hans Nick B. Rain Cloud

One on One with Chris Quinn Jared

We get formal clothing and The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Sadly, my photoshop of the old Jordan v. Bird video game is more exciting than this date.

A Neil Lane reference tugs at our emotions, and we get a helicopter ride.

Chris Quinn: “You’ve never been on a helicopter?”

Kaitlyn:  “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Why is that not shocking despite Kaitlyn’s lengthy run on the Bachelor? Were they going to show sweeping views of Arlington, Iowa?

Broadway Group Date

Hit n Run Ian, Dr. Harris DDS, American Pharoah, Welder Josh, and Role Models Ben have to sing and dance and act to get on the main Aladdin stage.

“Oh Dear God” from Welder Josh is my QOTN.

Highlights

• American Pharoah is similarly concerned and absolutely becoming a Dugan favorite. He has no chance to win but I want him to go far.
• Mrs. Dugan pointed out ABC’s cross-promotional reach having Scandal’s Cyrus Beane judge the Disney play auditions. Beane dropped this when reviewing Dr. Harris DDS: “I don’t think he’s mocking it. I just don’t think he knows what he’s doing”

• Dr. Harris gets the rose and teaches us that the New Year’s Even Times Square Ball is the Centerpiece of the universe. It is?

Justin, Chris Quinn, and Dr. Harris are safe. And so is everyone else since rose ceremonies don’t happen anymore. Until next week when Hans busts in the group.

The Bachelorette Episode 9: Fantasy Suite Night

I am blogging on the road this week as Casa de Dugan is being tented for termites. The show is also on the move as we have traveled to Hispaniola (the acceptable side for tourists, La Republica Dominicana) for fantasy sweet dates with the final three contestants: John Deere, Hans, and Josh Griffey Jr.

Andy gives her rundown of the remaining guys and makes it painfully obvious that her final choice will be Josh. 

Josh

She "likes Josh". He’s "her type". She's "attracted to him". She "can be her complete self with Josh".  She "feels over the moon, giddy, unbelievebale". Their relationship is "easy, natural, exciting…"

Can we just give him the final rose and end this?

John Deere

Amazing guy, sweet, smart, lighthearted and funny. "So cute and charming and romantic." He's the "Farmer/Businessman who has it all."

Just put him out of his misery. She sounds like she is explaining a labradoodle not a guy she will end up with.

Nick Hans

Shy, skeptical. Memorable.  Sweet, affectionate. Serious. "He just gets me". Mental connection. Passionate side. Falling in love. Potential

From the early explanations, it looks like a Josh/Hans showdown but let's review the dates and decide.

Hans Gets a Helicopter Date 

It's getting late in the season to have an eventual winner without a helicopter date so it was nice to see Hans get his. Andi explains to the viewers that she wants more information about Hans' previous breakups. 

I always want to know more about the production of these episodes. Hans and Andi start making out in the helicopter. Helicopters are not very large. The cameraman appears about a foot away. Is this awkward? Does it just become normal?

They have a long discussion about Hans terrible breakup. Let me guess? You pretended to be in love with a girl shortly after meeting her, even to the point of getting engaded, then secretely plot to steal business opportunities from her older sister. Once exposed, you go full evil and attempt to kill the older sister only to be blocked by the younger sister and former fiance. Eventually Hans returned to Milwaukee to be punished for his wrongdoings.

While his story may lead others to ask many questions...I only have one. Who the hell spends this much time at the beach without sunglasses? How in God's name are you on the beach for any length of time without sunglasses? 

At dinner, Hans shared a story he wrote for Andi. While the story was nice and included a page about their date that very same day, I was more impressed with Hans' illustrations. Did he really draw these pictures? If he didn't, how is that assignment explained to the staffer at Fleiss & Co.?

Hans hides behind a tree, drops the L bomb and gets the fantasy suite time.

 =

Josh Manages to Find a Baseball Field on a Date...AGAIN

The Dominican Republic was Dugan's first foreign county and I'll always remember it fondly. Josh and Andi walk around the capital, Santo Domingo. I know he rightly takes a beating from modern historians but Christopher Columbus' tomb is a magnificent monument. It could also double as a movie prop for the next National Treasure movie.

Fucking of course Josh finds a baseball field. This further cements Josh as the winner. He obviously loves baseball and Andi manages to find a baseball field on every date. She cares about him and their relationship seems genuine. Let's ignore the rest of their baseball date and list some D.R. beisbol greats:

• Big Papi
• Pujols
• Pedro
• Cano
• Sosa
• Hanley
• Jose Reyes
• Big Vlad

Who would you take from that group? L Bomb #2 leads to the Quote of the Night! Josh explains he isn't just throwing around the "love" word without meaning: "I never said that before when I really meant it."

Yeah. That's a triple header. You get bolded, underlined and italicized. He's not denying telling girls he loved them. Just denying that he meant it. BOOM. This blog loves you, Josh.

I'll be very surprised if Josh does not win. Like lebron leaving Miami for Cleveland surprised. I also don’t think Josh would expose himself and become this vulnerable without knowing he was winning in the end. 

John Deere and the 3,000 lb Horses of Rancho Peligro

Mrs. Dugan and Andi share a healthy fear of horses. However, Andi's fear is also completely irrational and offers up what would be the best quote on any other night (hat tip up above to Josh): “There’s just something about a 3,000 pound animal underneath me and I don’t know what they are thinking.”

3,000 lbs? What breed of horse is this?

Did anyone else notice the beautiful mountain landscape on this date? Why are there mountains in Cuba, Dominican Republic and other subtropical locales but not in Florida?

• Britton Hill, located in the Florida Panhandle, is the highest point in Florida at 345 feet 
• More than one-third of the Dominican Republic lies higher than 1,500 feet (457 metres), and it has the highest relief of the West Indies, reaching 10,417 feet (3,175 metres) at Duarte Peak in the Cordillera Central in the Dominican Republic.
• Cuba's highest point is 6,578 feet. 

My biggest takeaway from this date is that John Deere went to the "Hide and seek" well once too often. A rare game of hide and seek is one thing, but if this is your date "go to" activity, you are giving Iowans a bad name.  He's starting to make Josh look mature.

The rest of the date can be summed up.

John Deere is kicked out and we are left with Serious Hans v. Fun loving Josh. Andi wanted to have a rose ceremony and neither guy said no.

  

Let's pray that Josh wins so we can have Andi Murray.

The Bachelorette Finale 1 of 2: Say Yes to the Des

We begin with Des giving the run down on the final three:

• Straight Drew
• Warrior Baseball Poet Chris
• Hockey Hair Brooks

Where is Antigua in relation to your blogging authors? Too far from Wags to even mention.

Drew’s Fast Forward Fantasy Date

Drew and Desiree drive around Antigua taking in the sights and dancing with the locals. The enjoy maracas (who doesn’t?), limbo and a palm frond matchmaker. The dinner/bond fire got rained out and they fast forward to the fantasy suite portion of their night. This is a new dimension to fantasy suites. It’s like they took a shortcut ala the Gumdrop Pass.

Or should I say Rainbow Trail? Get it, Drew? We all do. Quote of the night material: “I just want to give him the world.” Well then, Des. Let’s turn out the lights and let you two get to it.

Hockey Hair Brooks in Utah

We get a sneak peek to upcoming drama with Brooks’ detour to Utah for a pep talk with Mom and Sis. Basically, Brooks likes Des but is feeling the pressure from Fleiss & Co. Liking the girl is not enough. You must propose.

Chris Back in Antigua

We get the obligatory helicopter action and beach hanky panky. Mrs. Dugan gives her traditional eye-roll during the beach make out session. Mrs. Dugan really gets upset at staged nonsense in the sand more than the other staged nonsense that goes on. Why? I have no idea.

Dinner talk includes Des’ willingness to move to Seattle. Des is willing to make things work. Seattle isn’t that bad, what if Chris lived in North Korea?

During the fantasy suite portion of the night, Baseball’s Warrior Poet drops his latest verse:

The Outlook wasn't brilliant for the Bachelor men that day:
The score stood two guys to one, with but one date more to play.
And then when Shirtless Zak died at first, and James did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Brooks could get but a whack at that -
We'd put up even money, now, with Brooks at the bat.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Bachelorville - mighty Brooks has struck out.

Brooks sits down with Harrison/Des

Here’s the lowdown. Hockey Hair isn’t feeling it. And he makes a pretty strong point. If Brooks doesn’t feel it amid the puppy dogs and champagne of Bachelor/ette manufactured romance, he doesn’t think its coming. But when Brooks explains the situation to Des, she surprises him by expressing her love.

Brooks: “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

Des: “I couldn’t.”

I THOUGHT FLEISS & CO WERE HERE TO CREATE TRUE LOVE…NOT DESTROY IT.

This ending with Brooks is making for an awkward finale. Brooks brings the melodrama with his “worst day of my life” bullshit. Really, Brooks? Really? Being flown to Antigua on a free vacation to dump a girl on a reality show is the worst day of your life?

Go to Mogadishu and bitch to Somalians about your life. Until next week with Wags’ write-up.

The Bachelorette: Third Engagement's the Charm

Ok, it's week one and we'll need a better name for this season but your authors at WWT are very excited for Emily as the Bachelorette. We called it on opening night of Brad's season, but he messed that one up leaving us with the Dental Student and the Winemaker. Emily and the Blog are going to bring it this season...so let's get started.

Emily's sit down with Chris


Emily sits down with Chris for the customary introduction to the season to discuss life story, nerves, goals, etc. Luckily for those of us not looking to be depressed every Monday night, Emily is done talking about her horrific first engagement, plane crash, and subsequent revelation that she was pregnant with her deceased fiance's baby. Emily explains that she is ready to find someone. Brad's season helped her realize she could love again. Nowadays, she puts Ricky to bed about 7:30pm and retires to her room to read 50 Shades of Grey - like every other woman in America. She's looking for a soulmate and a father to her daughter. Aren't most single moms? Oh...true...most don't look like Emily.

Let's meet some of the guys


Fleiss & Co also use this trick every year. We get vignettes with a handful of the guys in their respective hometowns. Why do I enjoy it? Every year they choose to highlight someone that will be cut on opening night which is kind of cruel.  Who will it be this time?

• Kalon, the "modern southern gentlemen" from Houston.
• Uncle Rico, a football player from Augusta, Ga. (Thank you MG for name)
• Tony, the plywood purchaser from Beaverton, Or. (also a father - single fathers are all over the place. You never hear about single fathers, I am glad ABC is taking the time to introduce the demographic to America)
• Token, real estate consultant from LA. What Token does not know is that the Carolinas do not extend the full faith and credit to Loving v. Virginia, 388 U.S. 1 (1967), which does not bode well for his future with Emily.
• Token mentions that Emily being a single mom is "one of the most attractive things about her." In isolation, I chuckled but he repeated it to her during his entrance and I think he is just into moms.
• Singer/songwriter David who is quite the lyricist. He wrote a song about the Bachelorette. It was catchy: "Emily...Emileeeee....EMILEEEEEEEEE"
• Trauma Charlie from Nashville mentions his head injury multiple times but informed is that "nothing is wrong with my heart." If I'm Emily, I am much more concerned about the severe brain trauma.
• SLC Jef is a skateboarding CEO who builds wells for charity. And he shits roses.
• Indy Arie, the race car driver ensures there will be a palindrome every week and who can't get excited for that? He also is near the top in Dugan's nickname off for this season.

Stop! It's Limo Time

Harrison rocks the skinny tie a la Wags and we are about to begin. Emily explains to America how she wants this to end: "A MINIVAN FULL OF BABIES" And let's meet the lucky guys...

• Sean the insurance agent from Dallas - Usually it is not a good sign when you don't have a nickname because you are either not memorable or they purposely left your tape on the cutting room floor...
• Lyricist Dave from NYC
• Father Doug is a Charity Director/Realtor from Seattle but he really pushes the single father angle early and often.
• Fitness Jackson is in good shape. And a douche.
• Joe is a Field Energy Advisor in LA. A what? This is what I picture Joe doing in a field.

• That's a dowsing/divining rod in the picture if you can't tell.
• Indy Arie from Scottsdale
• Kyle from Long Beach who wore a turquoise tie (apparently that's enough)
• Bobblehead Chris from Chicago
• Mr. Aaron, the Bio Teacher who is looking for "Chemistry." FYI, that joke would have killed with his high school students.
• A Grain Merchant from St. Paul via Brasil who does not have a Bio on ABC.
• SPOILER ALERT
• Did you see who did have Bios on there? Ames, Bentley, Blake, Frank, Matt, Ryan M., Ryan P., Dollar Bill...who isn't coming back this season?
• SLC Jef
• Token, who once again brings up his thing for single moms
• Jersey Steve who likes to dance and hates helicopters (never good for being on this show)
• Trauma Charlie
• Plywood pusher Tony brings up a lame Prince Charming, Cinderella scene
• Only to be one upped by Old Lady Randy...Grandy
• Nate is an accountant from LA (note: Mrs. Dugan calls a favorite)
• 40 year old virgin from Fresno (this is funny when you hear more about him later)
• "Wolf" who works in E-Discovery...I mean is a data destruction specialist
• Egg Man Travis promises to take care of an ostrich egg to show how he will protect Emily and Ricky. But will he guard and protect their hearts? 
• Michael is a rehab counselor from Austin
• Poutine is a French Canadian Marine Biologist living in Seattle. Honest. I swear. Ok, his name wasn't Poutine.
• Alejandro is an import/exporter from Medellin. Oh no, he's a farmer from Medellin. This is hilarious. Why don't you call him a pharmacist from Medellin. Or a speedboat driver. A pilot. I could go on all day. And night.
• Uncle Rico was a professional athlete and now lives in Augusta, Ga. A tradition like no other...WWT.

• Kalon arrived via helicopter. When I think helicopter, two things come to mind and both are amazing 80's television shows: Airwolf and Magnum PI.

 Kalon isn't cool enough to be named TC. And he isn't cool enough to be nicknamed Airwolf. He's not even cool enough to be nicknamed Ernest Borgnine. We'll work on it.

First Impressions and Roses

I fully understand there are about 2 people still reading the blog so I will get on with it and wrap this up quickly. Charlie Trauma jokes about having a titanium face - still no word on his brain. The 40 Yr Old Virgin has 6 kids. Oops. The guys toast to the "hottest mom." Emily thinks Bobblehead is super hot and SLC Jef is too cool for school, Father Doug is continuing to work that angle with a poem from his son. I keep thinking about a 12 yr old having Emily as his step mom. Things will get awkward at Father Doug's home in less than 12 months if Emily picks him. Sock laundry will also pick up. Grandy, Egg Man and the Wolf are sweating out the lack of one-on-one time. 

In a surprise, Father Doug receives the first impression rose followed by Bobblehead, Uncle Rico, Helicopter Boy, Indy Arie, Trauma Charlie, SLC Jef, Nate, Sean, Joe, Kyle, Mr. Aaron, Escobar, Wolf, Brazilian Grain Merchant, Michael, Jersey, Plywood Tony, and the Egg Man.

Dismissed in night one were Token, 40 Yr Old Virgin, Grandy, Poutine, the Lyricist, and Fitness Jackson. 

Until next week. Let the nicknames marinate and please feel free to suggest new and/or revised ones for your ego-less authors at WWT.

The Bachelor: Sonoma Ben Vintage VI

Guess who's back, back again?
Dugan's back, tell a friend.

Before beginning my first review of the season, I have to give a heartfelt thanks to WWT's founding father Tim and his dominating Tim Lincecum style performance on the season. All without bullpen help.


Panama Past and Present


When I thought about Panama, two images popped into my mind: Manual Noriega and the Panama Canal.

After this week's episode, I'll add another image: Donald Trumps' Vagina Tower.

Thank you, Donald Trump. And Fleiss & Co.

Ben & Kacie's Deserted Island


Kacie B. gets the first one-on-one in Panama on a deserted island with Ben. (Sidebar - Dugan hasn't watched all the episodes and isn't on top of his game with this season's nicknames, etc. So when the date card is announced, I turn to Mrs. Dugan to the reaction of one of the women upset with Kacie's second one-on-one and ask, "What does Tim call Horse Teeth?" Mrs Dugan responds, "Her real name is Blakeley...the VIP cocktail waitress?" These are wonderful discussions to have. I love this show). As for the date, how "deserted" is an island that comes with a helicopter and pilot?

While Dugan may not have his own winery, he has chopped a coconut with a machete and thrown a cast net. I also have serious doubts about that fish they caught with that "casting net." That net is not used to catch fish like the one it did. SHENANIGANS, Fleiss & Co. SHENANIGANS. We'll just call it fishy and leave it at that.

Kacie B. decides to share her dark secret that forced her to grow up fast. I won't pass judgment on Kacie B for her high school battles with eating disorders, but she better tread lightly when compared to witnessing your step father murder your mother (Ella), having your fiance die in a plane crash days before you find out you are pregnant with said dead fiance's baby (Emily), etc etc etc. Ben eats up the sob story and gives Kacie B another serving of rose.

The Bachelor: Running the Chagres


I take the title for the group date from relative and author Joe Kane's Running the Amazon. Buy, read and you won't regret. Emily, Nicki Top 3, Seabiscuit, Kasey S. House Bitch and Jamie's group date is also RN Jamie's introduction to the season. Beyond a blurb about adopting and raising her siblings (take notes, Kacie B), this is the first time we have met Jamie all season. There isn't much to say except that House Bitch enjoys attention - even from aboriginal tribes.

At the after party:

• Seabiscuit is fast out of the gate. 
• HB steals the attention of Ben away from Jaime when she rocks the white bikini. 
• Emily actually talks about herself and Ben instead of obsessing over HB. 
• But ladies, the race is over for this rose and Seabiscuit lapped the field.

Blakeley v. Bangs McGee: Save the Last Dance

Blakeley wore her second onesie of the season. A woman in my office told me that it's called a "romper" but I believe they are onesies. I have a lot of them in my house. They belong to the two people under 24 months of age. Blakeley brings it on the dance floor and is willing to go the extra mile to show Ben she's interested. She made a scrapbook to show things Ben loves.

Note things Ben loves:

1. San Francisco (proper)
2. San Francisco (Giants)
3. Southern Comfort
4. Scotch
5. Wine

Not necessarily in that order. Things that Ben doesn't like?

1. Blakeley

Ouch.

Goodbye Kacie S.

All we know so far is that Kacie S. is the only girl in the house willing to be friends with HB. Oh, and Harrison just informed us she has a boyfriend she still loves. This really didn't live up to the previews hype until Ben asks her to leave . . . goes back to his balcony . . . leans over . . . COULD IT BE??? A Mesnick? A FUCKING MESNICK?!?!?

No. So damn close. Only a Flajnik. That's a Mesnik - tears. Don't worry, fans, Kacie S. provides enough tears for a handful of Mesnicks during her minivan exit.

Rose Ceremony

We are getting to the end of the season. Kacie B., Seabiscuit and Bangs McGee have roses. 3 more for the 4 women. RN Jaime painfully throws herself at Ben with the following spoken strategy: "Brace Yourself."

It was painful for the viewer. Worse for Ben. Jaime packs her bags and Nicki Top Three, HB and Emily advance to next week and Belize.

Castle Castle Winery

As we sit down for another week of the bachelor, Mrs. Dugan wanted to recapitulate her picks from opening night: Chris Landscaper to win and Roberto as the next Bachelor. She’s down to 2 of the final 5 so she gets some credit for her Miss Cleoness. Lady Dugan also shared some new Bachelor/ette news. As most of our faithful anticipate the Bachelor Pad show in August, we don’t have to wait that long to get some extra Bachelor/ette fix. In an incredible announcement, the Bachelor Video game drops July 13th. I can only assume it will create the same media firestorm as the Iphone 4.

Let’s get to the rather tame episode, friends.

5 Men Left: Chris L. Roberto, Frank, Kirk, Ty

Roberto’s Castle Date

I assume ABC has blown the show’s budget as they hand Ali and Roberto a digital camera and tell them to have fun on their date. Pictures, dancing in the street, and a picnic at a castle follow. We do learn that Roberto is a Latino Gringo with his lack of knowledge of even the names of the meals his mother cooks him. That’s 4 star gringo action for you. And Dugan understands as a Latino Gringo himself. Ali is still buying what Roberto’s selling and no one would be surprised by a rose at the end of the episode.

Frank & Ty’s Castle Date

We give (sidetrack- what does WWT give out? Thumbs up has been done. Red Light/Green Light has been done. Stars are played out.) whatever the hell WWT gives out for a helicopter. I’ll say WWT gives 3 smiling Chris Harrison’s for the helicopter on the two-on-one in Lisbon.

Ali has a lot on her mind and two-on-ones this late in a season are very awkward which makes for good viewing. Ali eventually breaks it up and Ty defends his antediluvian views and hypes a potential visit to his parents and their traditional but friendly values.

Frank and Ali are significantly more affectionate during their alone time and Frank gets past the uncomfortable fact that he lives with his parents. Ali is pretty drunk at this point and doesn't care what Frank has to say. To test her, Frank unleashes the quote of the night: “let’s live in a tree like a couple of monkeys.” This sounds like a viable plan for someone living with their parents. Yes, I know this know dooms me to live with my parents in the near future.

Kirk’s Castle Date

Holy shit, Portugal is filled with Castles.



Kirk is confused by “Once Upon a Time“ on the date card. Landscaper has to explain the fairy tale reference as dumbfounded Kirk complains, “that’s not even a sentence.” Horse Drawn carriage, castle and dinner follow. Ali seems distance for the second date in a row and the Dugans openly contemplate a Brad Womack ending?

Chris L. in Very Easy Rider

The Landscaper is dangerously close to the friend zone and Ali is demanding some movement on their relationship. Chris L wrestles the quote of the night away from Frank as they head out on a scooter:

“you better hold on…because I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing”

The scooter analogy for their relationship is hilarious and I wish I know Ali wasn’t fed the line from a producer. Ali takes over the wheel and they get to their date at a winery. Dugan’s cell phone blows up asking if the Bachelor/ette is sponsored by the Food & Wine Industry. There are copious amounts of alcohol consumed on this show. Perhaps ABC is one and the same as ABC Liquor. Ali asks if the landscaper’s crew are big wine drinkers? Yes, and that’s enough for me to believe a hometown is secured.

Rose Ceremony

No tie plus jeans as Chris L. continues the shout-outs to Casual Michael Phelps. Poor Roberto still cannot find the top button on his shirts. And the reduced budget has eliminated the swinging parties on the nights of elimination.

And the roses go to:

1. Chris L.
2. Frank
3. Roberto
4. Kirk

Ty goes home. (yes, we checked the tapes. 6/28’s previous episode spliced footage of Ty from one of the early episodes to make it seem like he gets further. Don’t underestimate the sneakiness)

Chris Harrison: Special Bachelor Update

For the faithful readers of the blog, you may recall that Dugan went great lengths to originally peg Jake during Jillian’s season as a Patrick Batemanesque character. There was just something that wasn’t right about this guy. Then he returns as the Bachelor and picks fundamentally flawed Vienna. Who would have guessed those two cute kids wouldn’t make it?

Oh, everyone? Really? Damn. Well, who would have guessed that Vienna would come out looking like a rose in comparison to Jake. Well, considering that I originally compared Jake to one of the most psychopathic characters ever created, I’ll raise my hand.

Vienna’s accusations have their own technical flaws: Claiming emotional abuse as well as no emotion from Jake. But let’s not go there. Let’s just show a clip from the movie role that Jake missed out on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lzz4QtbTu6M

ABC has to regret this Jake decision. Or not.

I’ll leave you with this: Jake and Vienna’s arguments about GPS directions, measuring furniture and canine potty training are the lowest point in the history of broadcast television.

Congratulations on seeing the low point.