The Bachelorette Episode 9: Fantasy Suite Night

I am blogging on the road this week as Casa de Dugan is being tented for termites. The show is also on the move as we have traveled to Hispaniola (the acceptable side for tourists, La Republica Dominicana) for fantasy sweet dates with the final three contestants: John Deere, Hans, and Josh Griffey Jr.

Andy gives her rundown of the remaining guys and makes it painfully obvious that her final choice will be Josh. 

Josh

She "likes Josh". He’s "her type". She's "attracted to him". She "can be her complete self with Josh".  She "feels over the moon, giddy, unbelievebale". Their relationship is "easy, natural, exciting…"

Can we just give him the final rose and end this?

John Deere

Amazing guy, sweet, smart, lighthearted and funny. "So cute and charming and romantic." He's the "Farmer/Businessman who has it all."

Just put him out of his misery. She sounds like she is explaining a labradoodle not a guy she will end up with.

Nick Hans

Shy, skeptical. Memorable.  Sweet, affectionate. Serious. "He just gets me". Mental connection. Passionate side. Falling in love. Potential

From the early explanations, it looks like a Josh/Hans showdown but let's review the dates and decide.

Hans Gets a Helicopter Date 

It's getting late in the season to have an eventual winner without a helicopter date so it was nice to see Hans get his. Andi explains to the viewers that she wants more information about Hans' previous breakups. 

I always want to know more about the production of these episodes. Hans and Andi start making out in the helicopter. Helicopters are not very large. The cameraman appears about a foot away. Is this awkward? Does it just become normal?

They have a long discussion about Hans terrible breakup. Let me guess? You pretended to be in love with a girl shortly after meeting her, even to the point of getting engaded, then secretely plot to steal business opportunities from her older sister. Once exposed, you go full evil and attempt to kill the older sister only to be blocked by the younger sister and former fiance. Eventually Hans returned to Milwaukee to be punished for his wrongdoings.

While his story may lead others to ask many questions...I only have one. Who the hell spends this much time at the beach without sunglasses? How in God's name are you on the beach for any length of time without sunglasses? 

At dinner, Hans shared a story he wrote for Andi. While the story was nice and included a page about their date that very same day, I was more impressed with Hans' illustrations. Did he really draw these pictures? If he didn't, how is that assignment explained to the staffer at Fleiss & Co.?

Hans hides behind a tree, drops the L bomb and gets the fantasy suite time.

 =

Josh Manages to Find a Baseball Field on a Date...AGAIN

The Dominican Republic was Dugan's first foreign county and I'll always remember it fondly. Josh and Andi walk around the capital, Santo Domingo. I know he rightly takes a beating from modern historians but Christopher Columbus' tomb is a magnificent monument. It could also double as a movie prop for the next National Treasure movie.

Fucking of course Josh finds a baseball field. This further cements Josh as the winner. He obviously loves baseball and Andi manages to find a baseball field on every date. She cares about him and their relationship seems genuine. Let's ignore the rest of their baseball date and list some D.R. beisbol greats:

• Big Papi
• Pujols
• Pedro
• Cano
• Sosa
• Hanley
• Jose Reyes
• Big Vlad

Who would you take from that group? L Bomb #2 leads to the Quote of the Night! Josh explains he isn't just throwing around the "love" word without meaning: "I never said that before when I really meant it."

Yeah. That's a triple header. You get bolded, underlined and italicized. He's not denying telling girls he loved them. Just denying that he meant it. BOOM. This blog loves you, Josh.

I'll be very surprised if Josh does not win. Like lebron leaving Miami for Cleveland surprised. I also don’t think Josh would expose himself and become this vulnerable without knowing he was winning in the end. 

John Deere and the 3,000 lb Horses of Rancho Peligro

Mrs. Dugan and Andi share a healthy fear of horses. However, Andi's fear is also completely irrational and offers up what would be the best quote on any other night (hat tip up above to Josh): “There’s just something about a 3,000 pound animal underneath me and I don’t know what they are thinking.”

3,000 lbs? What breed of horse is this?

Did anyone else notice the beautiful mountain landscape on this date? Why are there mountains in Cuba, Dominican Republic and other subtropical locales but not in Florida?

• Britton Hill, located in the Florida Panhandle, is the highest point in Florida at 345 feet 
• More than one-third of the Dominican Republic lies higher than 1,500 feet (457 metres), and it has the highest relief of the West Indies, reaching 10,417 feet (3,175 metres) at Duarte Peak in the Cordillera Central in the Dominican Republic.
• Cuba's highest point is 6,578 feet. 

My biggest takeaway from this date is that John Deere went to the "Hide and seek" well once too often. A rare game of hide and seek is one thing, but if this is your date "go to" activity, you are giving Iowans a bad name.  He's starting to make Josh look mature.

The rest of the date can be summed up.

John Deere is kicked out and we are left with Serious Hans v. Fun loving Josh. Andi wanted to have a rose ceremony and neither guy said no.

  

Let's pray that Josh wins so we can have Andi Murray.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: World Cup Edition

For those that do not know, the United States of America is taking on Belgium in a soccerball match on July 1st to decide who will advance in the world soccerball tournament in Brasil. This was a bad day to have the Bachelor have dates in Belgium and Dugan have the reins of the blog.

This is the last week before hometowns. You know what I think about when I hear hometowns? You are god damn right - I think about Bruce Springsteen.

Back at the hotel, even the guys are getting into the world cup competitive action. Hans (Nick), Gosling and Deere are playing for Europe with team scarf and Josh, Coach and Les Dylan are representing 'Merica with their vintage Bachelor hoodies.

Advantage? AMERICA.

Gosling goes full Brussels

This was a food heavy date and they start off with mussels from Brussels? Seriously. Mussels are delicious but they fall way behind the much more famous Muscles from Brussels.

What have I done? Jean Claude Van Damme on the eve of the US-Belgium game? There's only one image that I can think of that will get America back on top of the image game.

Yo, Rocky, you did it.

After some chocolate waffles and other belgian treats, Gosling and Andy retreat to the Academy Palace. Andi must have heard "Palace at Auburn Hills" because she was dressed like an NBA dancer. Mrs. Dugan and I uttered the following words within second spitfire style:

• Underboob
• Hood rat
• Back up dancer

Then at the exact same time: PRETTY WOMAN! I would bother to photoshop their faces but this is exactly what I am going for in this picture.

After Gosling, After Hours, and the Worst Hotel Security in the World

Gosling returns to discuss how well his date went with the remaining guys. Hans doesn’t want to hear about it. He i) walks up to the desk at the hotel, ii) very quickly explains that he has lost his key, iii) needs a replacement, and iv) needs a key to a women's room because it is actually his wife. This past weekend, I marathon watched True Detective. True Detective respects its viewer's intelligence. This move proves Fleiss & Co. have finally lost it. Or that their fans are the dumbest people on the planet. HEY! I take offense.

Josh Ghents a One-on-One

There really was not much to this date outside of the porno lighting make out session. I did enjoy the chocolate and the Duck Parade. That’s not a euphemism. That’s what it was.

Tour de Belgium

We begin the date with a grueling rail bike excursion to the Belgium countryside. Nick, Dylan, Brian, Chris....WHO? Hans, Les, Coach and John Deere. Way better...I was completely lost there for a minute.

They visit an Abbey with Monks where no kissing is allowed.

For those reading, you have to imagine how writing a Bachelor blog goes. You are half paying attention while searching for images of university presidents named "Monk" when you hear that Andi and John Deere have left the Abbey to go to a Pottery Barn.

Hell yeah my head whipped up to the TV screen. Did I see Andi and Deere drowning in earth tones in a suburban mall? No. I saw them reenacting the pottery scene from ghost. It was a pottery barn. Not a Pottery Barn. That should make sense for those who have a remedial understanding of the English language. Not so fast you French, Dutch, and German speaking Belgianese.

Coach draws up a perfect play but Hans intercepts the rose. It took a while but all the guys (sans Les Dylan since he was smart enough to sleep this one out) ganged up on Hans for the one true sin in Bachelor/etteville: NOT BEING HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

It's Rose Ceremony Time and Hans is Safe

• Deere takes some alone time to give the hard sell on Iowa. Truly. NORTHEAST IOWA. Population 700. Considering I just binged on True Detective, I picture Northeast Iowa a lot like Carcosa but in Iowa. You’ll love it, Andi.
• Dylan gave his pitch for a hometown: At least its not Iowa.
• Hans is crying. I don’t know why because I wasn’t listening.

Who is joining Hans?

• Josh
• Gosling
• Deere

Coach got to hear laughs during his goodbye confessional. #Ouch.

And just for good measure. GO AMERICA!!!

The Bachelorette Episode 6: The Elite(?) Eight

So I was listening to a Bachelorette podcast, and the hosts mentioned that we are down to eight guys this week.  Poor Andi.  That means she has probably reached the point where she cannot really see herself with any of these guys.  It is really the tragedy (and the beauty) of this show.  Consistently mediocre mantestants.  But let me tell you something that's consistently good: whiskey and ice cream...the San Francisco treat.  On with the show...

But before we begin, reread the word "mantestant."  Maybe it's the whiskey talking, but that reads funny.  Okay, now really on with the show...

This episode will take place in Venice.  That's in Italy.  Water taxis, gondolas, pigeons.  You know, that Venice.  

Way off

Closer

That's the one.

Solo Date #1: Hans Nick

Hans, the soon-to-be-if-not-already-a-villain, got the first date, much to the chagrin of Cody, the Albino Rhino.  Rhino is the only guy that has not had a solo date.  Hans better watch out, because the Albino Rhino is clearly capable of pulling a Mountain-on-the-Red Viper head squeeze.  (If you don't know what I'm talking about, we're not friends.  Also, google it).

Back at the hotel, the guys were pretty excited about the "amenities."  If you forgot your toothpaste, call the front desk.  Mini fridge?!  YES!

On the date, Hans and Andi walked around, marveling at "how they made that," and "wow that's old."  Though I feel quick to criticize, it's probably a good thing that I was not mic'd up for some of my comments during Mrs. Wags's and my European travels.  

Said Wags

So this Hans guy has a speech impediment.  I'm not the only one that's noticed that, right?  Dugan and I would never have let him on our college radio show we had together (see how I dropped that trivia in there?).

In the evening portion of the date, Hans got to wear a tux:

Andi met him in a gondola with no one else around.  That was the real magic of the date.  How the heck did Fleiss and Co. pull that off in one of the more crowded cities in the world?  I guess it's good to have that ABC money, baby!  

Hans apologized for describing himself as the front runner, and then pulled a front runner move by saying he feels like he's falling in love.  You salty villain, you.  

Hans, looking like Daniel Craig's 7 year-old brother in his tux, got the date rose.

They capped off the date with a slow dance wearing masquerade ball masks.  I feel like there's a Phantom of the Opera joke in there somewhere, but I'm more of a Jesus Christ Superstar guy.

Group Date: Josh Griffey Jr, Coach Brian, Les Dylan, Marcus Gosling, JJ Dockers, and John Deere Chris

Before the group date, Andi got her third secret admirer letter.  She seems pretty interested in figuring out who it is (I'm hoping for Albino Rhino or Les Dylan; two guys with zero chance of winning it all).

The date was in Monselice, Italy.  They went to a medieval armory.  Fight to the death! Fight to the death! Fight to the death!  Alas, it was sadly not to be.  Instead, two of "Italy's finest lie detectors" were going to administer a test to each guy and Andi.  The guys seemed more nervous than expected. 

Some of the best lie detectors answers were provided by Les Dylan.  He has slept with over twenty women, but does not wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom.  Though I was skeptical at first, I am beginning to think these guys might actually be the best lie detectors in all of Italy.  

The test also revealed that John Deere is the secret admirer.  He just never could have imagined that his secret would be given up in a lie detector test.   Snooze.  Alarm.  Snooze.  

The results came in:  Three men told no lies.  Two told two lies.  One told three lies.  But Andi the lying DA told two lies.  

Andi decided to rip up the results.  I'll bet she wouldn't have done that if she had told the truth.  You know who never lies?  Chris Harrison and Neil Lane. 

In the evening portion of the date, Marcus Gosling was his usual serious self.  He said he almost left the show, but decided to stay.  Andi seemed impressed by this and started making out with him.  

Josh Griffey Jr. felt that Andi doesn't trust him because of the lie detector test.  He was also very happy that she ripped up the results.  Josh needs to chill out.  Les Dylan is the Lothario with pee pee hands.  

John Deere revealed that he is the secret admirer.  Andi liked it.  Good for you Mr. Deere, you get to stay on the show until the Top 4, but no further.  

The group date rose went to John Deere.  JJ Dockers got his fancy pants in a bunch about everyone congratulating John Deere.  Dockers wants this to be a fight to the death.  Dockers has officially stopped being polite and started getting real.  

Solo Date #2: Albino Rhino Cody

Rhino and Andi went to Verona, the setting for Romeo and Juliet.  On the date, they went to a Juliet Institute.  Apparently, this is like Italy's North Pole.  People write letters to Juliet and expect a response.  The Institute sends responses back to these people.  I hope there are not a lot of public funds going towards this "Institute."  

ADAI (American Dear Abby Institute)

At night, the Albino Rhino seemed like he might actually be a pretty nice guy.  The Rhino put his heart on the line and said how he wants to introduce her to his family, but Andi was not (and was never) feeling it.  In a tear-filled goodbye, Andi sent the Rhino back to his natural habitat.  

As the Rhino exited, I asked Mrs. Wags if Andi's pants looked a little "strange."  Mrs. Wags made the observation I was not prepared to verbalize: "they don't call that color camel for nothing."  

Rose Ceremony 

As usual, Hans had a rose already and jumped up to talk to talk to Andi first.  When Dugan and I write our book, "The Unwritten Rules of the Bachelor/ette," hogging time with the Bachlorette when you already have a rose will be our version of Thou Shalt Not Steal.  By the way, I am going to start using "shalt" in conversation more often.  I shalt not have another whiskey tonight.  

Joining Hans and John Deere with roses were:

Les Dylan (shocked)

Coach Brian

Marcus Gosling

Josh Griffey Jr.

After Les Dylan took the first rose, there was no other logical result than JJ Dockers going home.  But congratulations Dockers, you got to promote your pants company for six weeks.  

Until next week, when thou shalt enjoy Dugan's analysis of Brussels...