The Bachelorette Episode 7: World Cup Edition

For those that do not know, the United States of America is taking on Belgium in a soccerball match on July 1st to decide who will advance in the world soccerball tournament in Brasil. This was a bad day to have the Bachelor have dates in Belgium and Dugan have the reins of the blog.

This is the last week before hometowns. You know what I think about when I hear hometowns? You are god damn right - I think about Bruce Springsteen.

Back at the hotel, even the guys are getting into the world cup competitive action. Hans (Nick), Gosling and Deere are playing for Europe with team scarf and Josh, Coach and Les Dylan are representing 'Merica with their vintage Bachelor hoodies.

Advantage? AMERICA.

Gosling goes full Brussels

This was a food heavy date and they start off with mussels from Brussels? Seriously. Mussels are delicious but they fall way behind the much more famous Muscles from Brussels.

What have I done? Jean Claude Van Damme on the eve of the US-Belgium game? There's only one image that I can think of that will get America back on top of the image game.

Yo, Rocky, you did it.

After some chocolate waffles and other belgian treats, Gosling and Andy retreat to the Academy Palace. Andi must have heard "Palace at Auburn Hills" because she was dressed like an NBA dancer. Mrs. Dugan and I uttered the following words within second spitfire style:

• Underboob
• Hood rat
• Back up dancer

Then at the exact same time: PRETTY WOMAN! I would bother to photoshop their faces but this is exactly what I am going for in this picture.

After Gosling, After Hours, and the Worst Hotel Security in the World

Gosling returns to discuss how well his date went with the remaining guys. Hans doesn’t want to hear about it. He i) walks up to the desk at the hotel, ii) very quickly explains that he has lost his key, iii) needs a replacement, and iv) needs a key to a women's room because it is actually his wife. This past weekend, I marathon watched True Detective. True Detective respects its viewer's intelligence. This move proves Fleiss & Co. have finally lost it. Or that their fans are the dumbest people on the planet. HEY! I take offense.

Josh Ghents a One-on-One

There really was not much to this date outside of the porno lighting make out session. I did enjoy the chocolate and the Duck Parade. That’s not a euphemism. That’s what it was.

Tour de Belgium

We begin the date with a grueling rail bike excursion to the Belgium countryside. Nick, Dylan, Brian, Chris....WHO? Hans, Les, Coach and John Deere. Way better...I was completely lost there for a minute.

They visit an Abbey with Monks where no kissing is allowed.

For those reading, you have to imagine how writing a Bachelor blog goes. You are half paying attention while searching for images of university presidents named "Monk" when you hear that Andi and John Deere have left the Abbey to go to a Pottery Barn.

Hell yeah my head whipped up to the TV screen. Did I see Andi and Deere drowning in earth tones in a suburban mall? No. I saw them reenacting the pottery scene from ghost. It was a pottery barn. Not a Pottery Barn. That should make sense for those who have a remedial understanding of the English language. Not so fast you French, Dutch, and German speaking Belgianese.

Coach draws up a perfect play but Hans intercepts the rose. It took a while but all the guys (sans Les Dylan since he was smart enough to sleep this one out) ganged up on Hans for the one true sin in Bachelor/etteville: NOT BEING HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

It's Rose Ceremony Time and Hans is Safe

• Deere takes some alone time to give the hard sell on Iowa. Truly. NORTHEAST IOWA. Population 700. Considering I just binged on True Detective, I picture Northeast Iowa a lot like Carcosa but in Iowa. You’ll love it, Andi.
• Dylan gave his pitch for a hometown: At least its not Iowa.
• Hans is crying. I don’t know why because I wasn’t listening.

Who is joining Hans?

• Josh
• Gosling
• Deere

Coach got to hear laughs during his goodbye confessional. #Ouch.

And just for good measure. GO AMERICA!!!