So I was listening to a Bachelorette podcast, and the hosts mentioned that we are down to eight guys this week. Poor Andi. That means she has probably reached the point where she cannot really see herself with any of these guys. It is really the tragedy (and the beauty) of this show. Consistently mediocre mantestants. But let me tell you something that's consistently good: whiskey and ice cream...the San Francisco treat. On with the show...
But before we begin, reread the word "mantestant." Maybe it's the whiskey talking, but that reads funny. Okay, now really on with the show...
This episode will take place in Venice. That's in Italy. Water taxis, gondolas, pigeons. You know, that Venice.
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| Way off |
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| Closer |
That's the one.
Solo Date #1: Hans Nick
Hans, the soon-to-be-if-not-already-a-villain, got the first date, much to the chagrin of Cody, the Albino Rhino. Rhino is the only guy that has not had a solo date. Hans better watch out, because the Albino Rhino is clearly capable of pulling a Mountain-on-the-Red Viper head squeeze. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, we're not friends. Also, google it).
Back at the hotel, the guys were pretty excited about the "amenities." If you forgot your toothpaste, call the front desk. Mini fridge?! YES!
On the date, Hans and Andi walked around, marveling at "how they made that," and "wow that's old." Though I feel quick to criticize, it's probably a good thing that I was not mic'd up for some of my comments during Mrs. Wags's and my European travels.
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| Said Wags |
In the evening portion of the date, Hans got to wear a tux:
Andi met him in a gondola with no one else around. That was the real magic of the date. How the heck did Fleiss and Co. pull that off in one of the more crowded cities in the world? I guess it's good to have that ABC money, baby!
Hans apologized for describing himself as the front runner, and then pulled a front runner move by saying he feels like he's falling in love. You salty villain, you.
Hans, looking like Daniel Craig's 7 year-old brother in his tux, got the date rose.
They capped off the date with a slow dance wearing masquerade ball masks. I feel like there's a Phantom of the Opera joke in there somewhere, but I'm more of a Jesus Christ Superstar guy.
Group Date: Josh Griffey Jr, Coach Brian, Les Dylan, Marcus Gosling, JJ Dockers, and John Deere Chris
Before the group date, Andi got her third secret admirer letter. She seems pretty interested in figuring out who it is (I'm hoping for Albino Rhino or Les Dylan; two guys with zero chance of winning it all).
The date was in Monselice, Italy. They went to a medieval armory. Fight to the death! Fight to the death! Fight to the death! Alas, it was sadly not to be. Instead, two of "Italy's finest lie detectors" were going to administer a test to each guy and Andi. The guys seemed more nervous than expected.
Some of the best lie detectors answers were provided by Les Dylan. He has slept with over twenty women, but does not wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom. Though I was skeptical at first, I am beginning to think these guys might actually be the best lie detectors in all of Italy.
The test also revealed that John Deere is the secret admirer. He just never could have imagined that his secret would be given up in a lie detector test. Snooze. Alarm. Snooze.
The results came in: Three men told no lies. Two told two lies. One told three lies. But Andi the lying DA told two lies.
Andi decided to rip up the results. I'll bet she wouldn't have done that if she had told the truth. You know who never lies? Chris Harrison and Neil Lane.
In the evening portion of the date, Marcus Gosling was his usual serious self. He said he almost left the show, but decided to stay. Andi seemed impressed by this and started making out with him.
Josh Griffey Jr. felt that Andi doesn't trust him because of the lie detector test. He was also very happy that she ripped up the results. Josh needs to chill out. Les Dylan is the Lothario with pee pee hands.
John Deere revealed that he is the secret admirer. Andi liked it. Good for you Mr. Deere, you get to stay on the show until the Top 4, but no further.
The group date rose went to John Deere. JJ Dockers got his fancy pants in a bunch about everyone congratulating John Deere. Dockers wants this to be a fight to the death. Dockers has officially stopped being polite and started getting real.
Solo Date #2: Albino Rhino Cody
Rhino and Andi went to Verona, the setting for Romeo and Juliet. On the date, they went to a Juliet Institute. Apparently, this is like Italy's North Pole. People write letters to Juliet and expect a response. The Institute sends responses back to these people. I hope there are not a lot of public funds going towards this "Institute."
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| ADAI (American Dear Abby Institute) |
At night, the Albino Rhino seemed like he might actually be a pretty nice guy. The Rhino put his heart on the line and said how he wants to introduce her to his family, but Andi was not (and was never) feeling it. In a tear-filled goodbye, Andi sent the Rhino back to his natural habitat.
As the Rhino exited, I asked Mrs. Wags if Andi's pants looked a little "strange." Mrs. Wags made the observation I was not prepared to verbalize: "they don't call that color camel for nothing."
Rose Ceremony
As usual, Hans had a rose already and jumped up to talk to talk to Andi first. When Dugan and I write our book, "The Unwritten Rules of the Bachelor/ette," hogging time with the Bachlorette when you already have a rose will be our version of Thou Shalt Not Steal. By the way, I am going to start using "shalt" in conversation more often. I shalt not have another whiskey tonight.
Joining Hans and John Deere with roses were:
Les Dylan (shocked)
Coach Brian
Marcus Gosling
Josh Griffey Jr.
After Les Dylan took the first rose, there was no other logical result than JJ Dockers going home. But congratulations Dockers, you got to promote your pants company for six weeks.
Until next week, when thou shalt enjoy Dugan's analysis of Brussels...
Posts
I make this comment every season...so its about time I make it this season. Blogging makes this show better than it is. When I am not blogging, I pay half attention and pretty much despise the show. I look forward to reading your insights and humor. But that's about it. It's almost a chore to watch when not blogging.
ReplyDeleteBut when you watch to blog, you really pay attention to the very funny little things that go on each week.
One note I'll mention was the first one-on-one date. All the guys were acting very surprised that Hans/Nick got the date instead of the Albino Rhino. However, look at all the guys' clothes. 95% of them were in shorts and t-shirts, and sweats...including the Rhino himself. What was Nick wearing? A leather jacket and scarf. It was obvious.