The Bachelorette Episode 7: Hometowns!

This is the true story of five strangers, picked to live in a house, work together towards love and have their lives taped, to find out what happens when people stop being polite... and start getting real.

And you thought 90210 Dean was our last early 90s reference of the season! It's not even the last in this week's recap (see below)! This is my favorite episode of the season because it actually featured real emotions and actual conflict. The show is heavily scripted and very rarely do we get honesty, but this episode brought it on each and every hometown date. Let's get to the dates...

Baltimore with Eric

Screw Babe Ruth, Baltimore's Greatest Ballplayer

I get it. Most of you think about The Wire when you see the mean streets of Baltimore. I think about Eddie Murray. You take the Wire. I'll take Eddie Murray. We'll see who gets more Baltimore street cred.

Eric brings Rachel to a neighborhood court to shoot hoops. Note the rope nets. For something to be sufficiently hood, they need chain nets or no nets. This court is bougie. Luckily, a friend comes by to hammer home the Horatio Alger backstory. Did you know the Horatio Alger Myth was popularized by his book Ragged Dick?

Nevertheless, Eric chose school and basketball over drugs and crime. We get to meat Eric's dad and a BUNCH of women! An aunt brings up an honest question about race that Rachel handles with aplomb. Rachel knows she’s going to upset people no matter what so she might as well pick the one she likes best. Seems genuine.

We see a glimpse of Eric's issues with both parents. Eric’s mom basically said she needed him to be more independent than the rest of the men in their family and her distance was strategic. Eric's dad was more vague about his distance but regret was in the air.

From the toast to the goodbye, Eric felt very comfortable with Rachel and I kept thinking: where has this Eric been all season? I missed one episode? What the hell happened last week to transform Eric?

Nip Tuck in Miami

Not Really

I have to give Nip Tuck some credit because he brought Rachel to Domino Park on Calle Ocho, a more authentic version of Miami than touristy Miami Beach. Dugan lived very close during law school. The producers built the tension starting last week. Mrs. Nip Tuck was going to be cast as the overbearing Latin Mother.

She gave a toast to Nip Tuck: “the most precious thing I have in my life…” and burst into TEARS. However, she never lived up to the Monster-in-Law billing. In discussion with her son, she reasonably shared skepticism about the process of finding a wife so quickly and on TV. When talking with Rachel, she wanted her to know how important family was, and most important, Nip Tuck's happiness: “If he’s happy, I’m happy. If not, I will kill you.”

Despite that quote, mom was sweet and Nip Tucks's favorite status is secure.

Badger welcomes a Warrior to Madison

We get to the second straight city where Tim and I have spent time together: Madison, Wisconsin. This show is made for us. Badger welcomes Rachel "home" to Wisconsin? Huh? And then you remember that Rachel is also a Wisconsin barred attorney. But, she's a Texan? Her father is a federal judge in Texas. 

Hmmm?

And then Dugan remembers that you don't have to take the Wisconsin Bar if you go to a Wisconsin law school...Rachel is a Marquette Warrior! She even interned with the Bucks.

We walk around a Farmer's Market and eventually meet the Badger's friends! Badger told Rachel that he has 10 main friends, 8 of which are black. That is really hard to do in Wisconsin! It's nearly a statistical impossibility to do so in Cottage Grove, Wisconsin with a black population of 2.5%. There is a story here that needs explaining. 

Rachel is concerned about Badger's pace. He doesn't understand that we are getting to the end which means a proposal and soon. Rachel is blunt: “I don’t want a boyfriend from all this.”

We Get Real with 90210

We get some incredible ups and downs in this Aspen, Colorado hometown. It was hard to find a more stark contrast to Eric's Baltimore basketball court than 90210's ATVs and Champagne. We soon fall from the clouds and realize 90210s life has enough drama for a Lifetime movie. At 15, he tragically lost his mother. His family broke apart in the aftermath, his father converted to the Sikh religion, and he changed his name to “Paramroop Singh Khalsa.” 90210 sadly brings the QOTN: “It means divinely beautiful and it’s a self given name….and also speaks a little bit about his character.” Pops also has a new wife, Satantar.

Walking up to the house, 90210 continues, “I am legitimately terrified. I’m not nervous. I’m terrified.” Remember folks, he’s going home! I keep thinking that this episode will do more damage to the pro-marijuana movement than Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III ever could hope to achieve.

We get the 90210/Paramroop discussion that's 11 years overdue. Paramroop rationalized that 90210 turned out great so he must have been a pretty good father. Not the strongest argument but it may have some merit. 90210 protests that his father was not present after his mother's death, that there was no moment of familial solidarity in the wake of the loss of their mother. 90210 actually complained that Paramroop was not "maternal". Paramroop admitted he made mistakes, but did the best he could to support the family. He wasn't a mom. He didn't how to be a mom. He had just lost his wife of 27 years. It was honest. It was hard to watch. It was the realest this show has been in years.

Full Disclosure: I'm all in on Paramroop. I'm down with the gong. My brother has a gong on his porch and I love it. Paramroop is a yoga teacher and I was late to this episode due to yoga class. What are the chances I end up like Paramroop? I say 4%?

Hometown Regroup with Harrison

Eric – new energy but concern that he's never been in love.
Nip Tuck – favorite stays the favorite. Only guy to say "love".
Badger – Holding back could be his demise.
90210 – Most surprising. From model to marriage?

For someone, the early 90s are about to hit home.



Nip Tuck is safe.
Eric is safe.
Badger v. 90210?

I'm sorry Kelly, Steve, David, Donna, Brandon, Dylan, Andrea and Brenda. Until next week when Tim returns with Rachel's family!

The Bachelorette Episode 4: From Bluffton to Oslo

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a two night special with Robert E. Lee v. Kenny Boom as the main event. Seasoned viewers such as yourself will know that the night’s episode will end in a cliffhanger at that moment. Nevertheless, we had some good moments in tonight’s episode that deserve some recap and comment.

Its getting confusing as we leave episodes in between rose ceremonies and dates, but I believe we picked up in the middle of a group date where Nip Tuck was using his time wisely to woo the Bachelorette. Nip Tuck is a little too polished for me. At this point last season, we were all begging for Rachel to become the next Bachelorette. Does anyone want Nip Tuck to end up with Rachel or become the next Bachelor? No. He still secures the rose.

Kenny Boom v. Robert E. Lee

While it’s troubling racial tension is being exploited by Fleiss & Co., we are stuck with the shows positives and negatives and need to enjoy the  lighter moments. Labeled “aggressive” and “angry,” Kenny Boom calls Robert E. Lee a “dime store psychologist”. Who uses “dime store” anything in 2017? Are the producers 89 year olds searching for jobs to get healthcare now that Medicare is vanishing?

One-on-One with Jack

We begin date night in beautiful Bluffton, South Carolina. What do I want to know about every South Carolina city? How far is it from the world’s best dog show in Aiken, South Carolina? About 2.5 hours.

Jack Stone should have a leg up on the other contestants. He’s a fellow attorney, same age as Rachel and also from Dallas. However, Rachel admits there has been no real connection to date. But she has the solution! Oysters, a known aphrodisiac.

Oysters, dancing and kissing are added kindling for the Rachel/Jack fire, alas, there is no spark to light it. At dinner, you can tell this is not going to end well for Jack Stone. Then comes the kiss of death. Rachel asks Jack what he would do with Rachel if they were together in Dallas? His response? Lock the door and just lay in bed with you.

RUN RACHEL!

She picks up the rose and viewers know there is a 0% chance she is giving it to him. He keeps talking. “I don’t feel like that connection in a romantic way.”

SAD JACK. Here's a song to help you turn it around. 

No Cocktail Party Needed. Rose Ceremony Go.

Nip Tuck is safe with the group date rose. Joining him:

Eric

Peter Badger

Adummy

Will Smith (who is flying under radar)

Happy Feet Matt (hard to remember the penguin suit)

Russian Alex

Josiah Satz

Anthony

Kenny Boom

Robert E. Lee

Goodbye IggyNotDiggy (with a surprisingly emotional goodbye) and Tickle me Elmo.

The Fake Doctor is in the House

The show has gone international and, fresh off his group rose, Nip Tuck gets the first one-on-one in Oslo, Norway. They repel from a 187 foot ski jump and share ugly duckling high school stories before getting another predictable rose.

Handball is Life

We have a handball date with Adummy, 90210 Dean, Anthony, Happy Feet Matt, Peter Badger, Will Smith, Russian Alex, Eric, and Josiah Satz. First, Coach Tom explains that Handball is a mix between football, basketball and water polo (what?!?). Next, he drops our QOTN: “HANDBALL IS LIFE!”

Let’s move ahead to the highlights:

• Incredibly, Russian Alex and Will Smith have actual handball experience.
• Peter Badger gets a little handsy…followed by a hot tub soiree in the middle of a group date.
• Will Smith is a handball star willing to show his vulnerable side.
• Russian Alex is a poet
• Josiah Satz gave a cringeworthy performance. Rachel succinctly descried Josiah Satz: disingenuous. He also is completely unaware that Rachel is no longer buying his bullshit. Josiah is as lost as Fort Lauderdale’s Flight 19. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flight_19
• I hate to admit I like a Miami guy over a Fort Lauderdale guy but Will Smith deserved the rose and is a Darkhorse candidate to win this thing.

Josi-ah-Meter

Kenny Boom, Robert E. Lee and the Oslo Octagon

We get a helicopter two-on-one which invokes memories of the greatest two-on-one in history with the ice mountain farewell of Guard and Protect Your Heart Casey. We begin with Kenny laying the groundwork. Kenny knows he and Rachel have fun, but needs their relationship to progress. Rachel is buying Kenny Boom's sincerity. 

Robert E. Lee gets his time and brings up Kenny Boom’s “dark side” including his “violent” and “aggressive”  behavior. When confronted by Rachel, Kenny explains he's been "Keepin it 100" with her the whole season.

Let's reflect on that. In the same episode, Kenny referenced "dime stores" and "keepin it 100." I think I know who I want the next Bachelor to be...

The Bachelor Episode 9: Jamaica Mistaica

We are in the Caribbean and have three women left: Software Caila, LB and JoJo Trump. Caila is the best fit. LB is the girl he couldn't get in real life. And JoJo has to be the frontrunner for the next Bachelorette.

Caila and Ben and the Sounds of Silence



Ben and Caila go whitewater rafting with a Rastafarian guide. The anxiety of the overnight and Caila's hesitance to share her feelings lead to a silent raft trip. The jerk chicken stand doesn't even loosen Caila up and we are beginning to fear this overnight might end well. Alas, dinner and copious amoubts of alcohol turned the night around. Thank you, Fleiss & Co.

Alcohol brings about the first L bomb of the night. No reciprocation from Ben but he's willing to test out the software...if you catch my drift. Ben drops a nice quote that makes me laugh in hindsight: "I could wake up and know tonight that Caila’s the women for me….”

It should have continued ..."But I’m still going to sleep with the other two women." Ben thought this but did not say it on national tv. Morning included more "love" talk from Caila and continued lack of a response from Ben.

LB, Ben and Mel at Gibraltar Beach

Turtles can live for 100 years. I like that fact. LB hopes her relationship with Ben lasts that long.
LB is not good at biology but Ben's more interested in anatomy anyway.

Do you want to know why LB wins? DOUBLE RAINBOW. Boom. Followed by a Reggae band and a Fantasy Suite with LOVE RECIPROCATION. There are no rules.

Ben, JoJo and Their Second Helicopter Date

Ben and JoJo enjoy some water-falling action in Jamaica and it appears to be a fairly typical overnight date until we have a second LOVE RECIPROCATION on the show. Does Ben see the cameras filming this season? Ben needs a guide. He needs Neil Lane!

I don't make many promises but Ben's relationship stemming from this season will not last. This date also included the QOTN from JoJo Trump (fitting) with an assist to Mrs. Dugan's ear. “It feels so nice to hear you talk”  What?

Goodbye Caila and a Group Hug

Caila's gone and LB & JoJo enjoy a too familar group hug. They are pretty comfortable ending up as the winner and next Bachelorette. I want spice. I want action. I want drama. Bring me the Women Tell All.

The Bachelorette Episode 9: Fantasy Suite Night

I am blogging on the road this week as Casa de Dugan is being tented for termites. The show is also on the move as we have traveled to Hispaniola (the acceptable side for tourists, La Republica Dominicana) for fantasy sweet dates with the final three contestants: John Deere, Hans, and Josh Griffey Jr.

Andy gives her rundown of the remaining guys and makes it painfully obvious that her final choice will be Josh. 

Josh

She "likes Josh". He’s "her type". She's "attracted to him". She "can be her complete self with Josh".  She "feels over the moon, giddy, unbelievebale". Their relationship is "easy, natural, exciting…"

Can we just give him the final rose and end this?

John Deere

Amazing guy, sweet, smart, lighthearted and funny. "So cute and charming and romantic." He's the "Farmer/Businessman who has it all."

Just put him out of his misery. She sounds like she is explaining a labradoodle not a guy she will end up with.

Nick Hans

Shy, skeptical. Memorable.  Sweet, affectionate. Serious. "He just gets me". Mental connection. Passionate side. Falling in love. Potential

From the early explanations, it looks like a Josh/Hans showdown but let's review the dates and decide.

Hans Gets a Helicopter Date 

It's getting late in the season to have an eventual winner without a helicopter date so it was nice to see Hans get his. Andi explains to the viewers that she wants more information about Hans' previous breakups. 

I always want to know more about the production of these episodes. Hans and Andi start making out in the helicopter. Helicopters are not very large. The cameraman appears about a foot away. Is this awkward? Does it just become normal?

They have a long discussion about Hans terrible breakup. Let me guess? You pretended to be in love with a girl shortly after meeting her, even to the point of getting engaded, then secretely plot to steal business opportunities from her older sister. Once exposed, you go full evil and attempt to kill the older sister only to be blocked by the younger sister and former fiance. Eventually Hans returned to Milwaukee to be punished for his wrongdoings.

While his story may lead others to ask many questions...I only have one. Who the hell spends this much time at the beach without sunglasses? How in God's name are you on the beach for any length of time without sunglasses? 

At dinner, Hans shared a story he wrote for Andi. While the story was nice and included a page about their date that very same day, I was more impressed with Hans' illustrations. Did he really draw these pictures? If he didn't, how is that assignment explained to the staffer at Fleiss & Co.?

Hans hides behind a tree, drops the L bomb and gets the fantasy suite time.

 =

Josh Manages to Find a Baseball Field on a Date...AGAIN

The Dominican Republic was Dugan's first foreign county and I'll always remember it fondly. Josh and Andi walk around the capital, Santo Domingo. I know he rightly takes a beating from modern historians but Christopher Columbus' tomb is a magnificent monument. It could also double as a movie prop for the next National Treasure movie.

Fucking of course Josh finds a baseball field. This further cements Josh as the winner. He obviously loves baseball and Andi manages to find a baseball field on every date. She cares about him and their relationship seems genuine. Let's ignore the rest of their baseball date and list some D.R. beisbol greats:

• Big Papi
• Pujols
• Pedro
• Cano
• Sosa
• Hanley
• Jose Reyes
• Big Vlad

Who would you take from that group? L Bomb #2 leads to the Quote of the Night! Josh explains he isn't just throwing around the "love" word without meaning: "I never said that before when I really meant it."

Yeah. That's a triple header. You get bolded, underlined and italicized. He's not denying telling girls he loved them. Just denying that he meant it. BOOM. This blog loves you, Josh.

I'll be very surprised if Josh does not win. Like lebron leaving Miami for Cleveland surprised. I also don’t think Josh would expose himself and become this vulnerable without knowing he was winning in the end. 

John Deere and the 3,000 lb Horses of Rancho Peligro

Mrs. Dugan and Andi share a healthy fear of horses. However, Andi's fear is also completely irrational and offers up what would be the best quote on any other night (hat tip up above to Josh): “There’s just something about a 3,000 pound animal underneath me and I don’t know what they are thinking.”

3,000 lbs? What breed of horse is this?

Did anyone else notice the beautiful mountain landscape on this date? Why are there mountains in Cuba, Dominican Republic and other subtropical locales but not in Florida?

• Britton Hill, located in the Florida Panhandle, is the highest point in Florida at 345 feet 
• More than one-third of the Dominican Republic lies higher than 1,500 feet (457 metres), and it has the highest relief of the West Indies, reaching 10,417 feet (3,175 metres) at Duarte Peak in the Cordillera Central in the Dominican Republic.
• Cuba's highest point is 6,578 feet. 

My biggest takeaway from this date is that John Deere went to the "Hide and seek" well once too often. A rare game of hide and seek is one thing, but if this is your date "go to" activity, you are giving Iowans a bad name.  He's starting to make Josh look mature.

The rest of the date can be summed up.

John Deere is kicked out and we are left with Serious Hans v. Fun loving Josh. Andi wanted to have a rose ceremony and neither guy said no.

  

Let's pray that Josh wins so we can have Andi Murray.

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Parlez-vous Français?

This week, we open up the passports and land in Marseilles, France. We get a two one-on-ones and a group date and Josh Griffey Jr. is batting lead off.

Before the dates begin, our beloved host Harrison sits down with Andy to discuss her proficiency in french (Il parle mal le français). Harrison grills Andy whether she is falling in love and the possibility she is falling in love with more guys. Hey hey, we are in France, oui? C'est la vie.

Andy and Josh Griffey Jr. Set Sail

Could two people be more out of place in the South of France? I feel like they belong at a Hooters grand opening together, not a yacht in the Mediterranean. Josh brings up that he was a 2nd round pick. How often do you think Josh brings this up? Considering he's 29 and this happened when he was 17...we are 12 years removed from the height of his athletic prowess. Now, if I am Josh, I am bragging about the draft and not my career .213 batting average with the Ogden Raptors, Beloit Snappers, West Virginia Power, Brevard County Manatees, or Charlotte County Redfish.

It was not his poor average, fielding, slugging or general overall play that kept him from the majors...or even his failure to make Double A ball, it was Josh's desire to be with and have a family.  I'll buy that because he did join brother and All Time Sec Passer Aaron Murray at UGA after baseball flamed out.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (do you know how to say "ranch" in french? ranch.), Hans and Dockers try to stir up shit by telling Famous Amos that Frat Bro 1 commented about Andy keeping the black guys. This turns out to be a relatively minor incident as Frat Bro 1 denies it and Famous Amos takes him at his word. However...Famous Amos gives us hints of a Mesnick and Flajnik. We know the Mesnick is the hunched over the balcony with tears and the Flajnic is a Mesnick without tears. Famos Amos pulled a Flajnik at the balcony but later looked like tears turned it into a Mesflaj. A what?

The best part was Frat Bro 1's denial included some rap references:
"With so much drama in the A-B-C
It's kinda hard bein Frat Bro O-N-E"

Griffey Date Highlights

• They go to Palais Longchamp where they make purses
• Josh Griffey got cheated on by having a girlfriend kiss another guy. 
• That’s enough for Andy. She let's her guard down now and gives up the rose. Be careful, Andy. Coach Mark Jackson will warn you: Hand down = Man down.
• Josh Griffey is securely in the pole position and front-runner to take the Final Rose

Sublime Mime Rhyme Time by the Seine

Ok, except for that first and last part. We get a group date of miming with Gosling, Les Dylan, John Deere, Famous Amos, Albino Rhino, Dockers, Hans, Frat Bro 2 and Frat Bro 1. I really like how the Frat Bros stick together.

Let's give a run down of the events

• Guys were not thrilled nor good.
• The Albino Rhino raps. God, please let the Albino Rhino stay on this show forever. I want this to be "Choose Your Own Adventure" Bachelorette and I choose the Albino Rhino has to mime the rest of the season.
• They were so bad they made babies cry.
• Hans really not enjoying the mime date

• Albino Rhino and Hans square off about Hans teasing him for being too "thankful"
• NEWSFLASH - this qualifies as reality show drama.

We have three leaders in the clubhouse and all the other guys could go home.

1. Hans with the Mental/Emotional connection
2. Josh Griffey Jr  with the Physical connection
3. Gosling to stay on the show long enough to cement next Bachelor

Andy asks whether Hans is a little manipulative? YES!!!! Watch Frozen now!!! Run away from Hans. He's trying to kill your sister and steal the kingdom of Arendelle. Dockers gets the group date rose.

Coach is Not a Chef

Coach has one of the worst dates that ended up with a rose in the history of the Bachelor/ette. It began nice with a movie and some market shopping. That went well. Then, they decided to cook a meal together.

Save time. Don't watch the cooking scene. This clip does it justice.



Although if you don't watch, you'll miss the quote of the night:

Andi: “How do you like your broccoli?”
Coach: “Different ways”

It got weird.



Brian on the basketball court >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Brian in the kitchen. Luckily for Coach, there are simply worse men than him left on the show and he secures the rose. Along with a big 'ol green light for future kissing. Andi ended the cooking massacre and brought him out to dinner. This is what they discussed:



It's Rose Ceremony Time and Let's Cut the Chit Chat

No cocktails. 3 cuts. Let’s get to business. Josh Griffey safe. Dockers safe. Coach safe.

Who else is getting a rose?

Gosling.
Hans.
John Deere.
Les Dylan.
Albino Rhino!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodbye Frat Bro 1 and 2 and Famous Amos

So glad they got to stick together the entire season.

Off to Venice next week with Tim as your tour guide to love.