The Bachelorette Episode 1: Let's Do the Damn Thing

Guess who's back, back again
Wags and Dugan are back, tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back?

Well, those lyrics got a little repetitive but that works for the Bachelor/ette. After taking a break during Arie's season, we've decided to jump back in with Becca's search for love. Bachelorette favorites, JoJo, Rachel and Kaitlyn, came back and gave Becca advice about her new role as the rose bestower. America last saw Becca when Arie pulled a Mesnickesque switcharoo and left her heartbroken. Fleiss & co. have rounded up the following men to change her mood:

• Clay - a biracial ex-football player who's bio really plays up the bi-racial: “Clay loves hip-hop and country music.” We get it.
• Garrett - Reno outdoorsmen
• Jordan, aka Ken Doll, is a Crystal River, Florida model. Crystal River would make South Bend, Indiana look like Paris so I don't know what Ken Doll is modeling there.
• Super Eagle Lincoln is a Nigerian in LA.

Oh, He's an alien, He's a legal alien
He's a Nigerian on the Bachelorette
Oh, He's an alien, He's a legal alien
He's a Nigerian on the Bachelorette

You come for the Eminem gifs, but stay for the obscure Sting references...

• Chicago Grocer Joe could be a fan favorite and go far.
• Jean Blanc, aka Jean Noir, is a Haitian into ties, watches, colognes and gives an initial frontrunner for Quote of the Night (hereinafter "QOTN"): "Cologne is an extension of your soul."
• Colton, aka QB5, is a former NFL journeyman who may be a virgin and has turned his life focus into a charity for Cystic Fibrosis
• Grant is an electrician which is an odd job compared to the usual group of trainers and salesmen
• Connor is a fitness coach from Florida. Now that's a Bachelor/ette career.
• John, aka Venmo John, is a software engineer from San Fran who developed the App for Venmo.
• Leo, aka Leo the Lion, is a never bald stuntman. 
• Rickey is an IT Consultant.
• Alex is a Construction Manager.
• Nick is battling Ken Doll for least likable. He's also an attorney from Florida. 
• Mike is a sports analyst.  
• Garrett pulled up in a minivan and is medical sales rep and early frontrunner.
• Blake is a sales rep who wore a terrible mauve jacket. 
• Chase, aka CSI Miami because he looks like every villain on CSI Miami ever, gets busted for not being there for the right reasons on night 1!!! That's incredible. 
• Darius is a Drug Sales Rep
• Ryan is a Banjoist
• Christon, aka Globetrotter, dunked on Becca by jumping over her. I could not do that.
• Willis admits he's a closet nerd and has the Harry Potter tattoos to prove it.
• Jason is a senior corporate banker from Seattle. Not to be confused with the junior corporate bankers from Seattle.
• Kamil came out of the limo and his title said "Social Media..." I assumed "Social Media Influencer" because sadly, that's a thing, and I was also watching Wags' Warriors make their 4th straight trip to the finals. I root for an NBA team that recently made 4 straight finals. It was fun. I miss that time.
• Jake, aka Hometown Honey, is a marketing consultant from Minnesota.
• Trent is a realtor from Naples who showed up in a hearse.
• Christian is a San Diego Banker
• David  is a venture capitalist in a chicken suit.
• Chris, aka Choir Chris or Chris the Snitch, is a sales trainer from Orlando who brought a Choir.

The men (?) inside explain what they like about Becca: She's the "ultimate ultimate girl next door." They had me at the second ultimate.

Becca joins the party and here are my highlights:

• Conner pulls the tried and true Bachelorette move with the quick pull of Bachelorette Becca to the chagrin of the room. He then shows off his party trick with the sword to the Champagne. I have so many questions. Do people really do that? Did he bring his own sword? How many bottles do you break practicing the trick? How many times do you take a sword to the bottle in private before making taking this trick public? Will Dugan ever attempt this? Will it be at a tailgate?
• Venmo casually lets it slip that he developed the Venmo app. 
• Globetrotter Christon dunked on Becca. Shouldn't he have dunked on another guy instead? 
• Ken Doll had no patience for the chicken: “you almost got feathers in my coffee!”
• Garrett is trying to make this midwest (is Minnesota midwest?) girl feel at her feel at home with some fly fishing practice. 
• Choir Chris pulled an episode 5 move during the premiere. Choir Chris knows CSI Miami's ex and has already found out CSI Miami is not here for the right reasons. DAYUM that was fast!
• Becca has bigger fish to fry than the Florida Tweedledee and Tweedledum bros.
• Becca narrows her focus to Hometown Honey Jake who doesn't have the best memory of meeting Becca multiple times. No worries because Jake's exit brought out the QOTN! “Ask anyone that knows me. I’m one of the most romantic fucking people you ever met.”

Rose Time
Garrett gets the first impression rose and joining him in safety include:

Super Eagle Lincoln

Blake

Rickie
Jean Noir

Globetrotter Christon

Clay

Willis

Coach Connor

Jason (he's a senior banker!)

Venmo John

Banjo Ryan

Alex

Slick Nick

Trent

Colton

Leo the Lion was not impressed with his buttoned up competition: “[i'm] looking out at a sea of highway patrol officers…” GET ME LEO ON THIS SHOW.

Chicken Suit David

Ken Doll Jordan

Leo the Lion, YES!

Man Bun Mike (Notre Dame alum)

Good luck, Mike.

And finally, Chris the Snitch.

Goodbye to the following men who are better off for leaving when they did.

Kamil, the social media...participant. What? Aren't we all?!?!

Electrician Grant. 
Grocer Joe 
CSI Miami Chase.

The season is set. We have our villain. We have our good guys. We have a likable Bachelorette. 

I'm the villain if you didn't guess.

The Bachelorette Episode 4: From Bluffton to Oslo

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a two night special with Robert E. Lee v. Kenny Boom as the main event. Seasoned viewers such as yourself will know that the night’s episode will end in a cliffhanger at that moment. Nevertheless, we had some good moments in tonight’s episode that deserve some recap and comment.

Its getting confusing as we leave episodes in between rose ceremonies and dates, but I believe we picked up in the middle of a group date where Nip Tuck was using his time wisely to woo the Bachelorette. Nip Tuck is a little too polished for me. At this point last season, we were all begging for Rachel to become the next Bachelorette. Does anyone want Nip Tuck to end up with Rachel or become the next Bachelor? No. He still secures the rose.

Kenny Boom v. Robert E. Lee

While it’s troubling racial tension is being exploited by Fleiss & Co., we are stuck with the shows positives and negatives and need to enjoy the  lighter moments. Labeled “aggressive” and “angry,” Kenny Boom calls Robert E. Lee a “dime store psychologist”. Who uses “dime store” anything in 2017? Are the producers 89 year olds searching for jobs to get healthcare now that Medicare is vanishing?

One-on-One with Jack

We begin date night in beautiful Bluffton, South Carolina. What do I want to know about every South Carolina city? How far is it from the world’s best dog show in Aiken, South Carolina? About 2.5 hours.

Jack Stone should have a leg up on the other contestants. He’s a fellow attorney, same age as Rachel and also from Dallas. However, Rachel admits there has been no real connection to date. But she has the solution! Oysters, a known aphrodisiac.

Oysters, dancing and kissing are added kindling for the Rachel/Jack fire, alas, there is no spark to light it. At dinner, you can tell this is not going to end well for Jack Stone. Then comes the kiss of death. Rachel asks Jack what he would do with Rachel if they were together in Dallas? His response? Lock the door and just lay in bed with you.

RUN RACHEL!

She picks up the rose and viewers know there is a 0% chance she is giving it to him. He keeps talking. “I don’t feel like that connection in a romantic way.”

SAD JACK. Here's a song to help you turn it around. 

No Cocktail Party Needed. Rose Ceremony Go.

Nip Tuck is safe with the group date rose. Joining him:

Eric

Peter Badger

Adummy

Will Smith (who is flying under radar)

Happy Feet Matt (hard to remember the penguin suit)

Russian Alex

Josiah Satz

Anthony

Kenny Boom

Robert E. Lee

Goodbye IggyNotDiggy (with a surprisingly emotional goodbye) and Tickle me Elmo.

The Fake Doctor is in the House

The show has gone international and, fresh off his group rose, Nip Tuck gets the first one-on-one in Oslo, Norway. They repel from a 187 foot ski jump and share ugly duckling high school stories before getting another predictable rose.

Handball is Life

We have a handball date with Adummy, 90210 Dean, Anthony, Happy Feet Matt, Peter Badger, Will Smith, Russian Alex, Eric, and Josiah Satz. First, Coach Tom explains that Handball is a mix between football, basketball and water polo (what?!?). Next, he drops our QOTN: “HANDBALL IS LIFE!”

Let’s move ahead to the highlights:

• Incredibly, Russian Alex and Will Smith have actual handball experience.
• Peter Badger gets a little handsy…followed by a hot tub soiree in the middle of a group date.
• Will Smith is a handball star willing to show his vulnerable side.
• Russian Alex is a poet
• Josiah Satz gave a cringeworthy performance. Rachel succinctly descried Josiah Satz: disingenuous. He also is completely unaware that Rachel is no longer buying his bullshit. Josiah is as lost as Fort Lauderdale’s Flight 19. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flight_19
• I hate to admit I like a Miami guy over a Fort Lauderdale guy but Will Smith deserved the rose and is a Darkhorse candidate to win this thing.

Josi-ah-Meter

Kenny Boom, Robert E. Lee and the Oslo Octagon

We get a helicopter two-on-one which invokes memories of the greatest two-on-one in history with the ice mountain farewell of Guard and Protect Your Heart Casey. We begin with Kenny laying the groundwork. Kenny knows he and Rachel have fun, but needs their relationship to progress. Rachel is buying Kenny Boom's sincerity. 

Robert E. Lee gets his time and brings up Kenny Boom’s “dark side” including his “violent” and “aggressive”  behavior. When confronted by Rachel, Kenny explains he's been "Keepin it 100" with her the whole season.

Let's reflect on that. In the same episode, Kenny referenced "dime stores" and "keepin it 100." I think I know who I want the next Bachelor to be...

The Bachelor Episode 3: Is Hans Here For The Right Reasons?

No.

Hey hey, fans and friends. This week was a fantastic episode. The blog received shout-outs from Fleiss & Co (See Ivanka's quote later) and the episode had multiple laugh-out-loud moments. Let's get right into it picking up from last week's "to be continued" at the rose ceremony. In a bit of a role reversal, we have the contestants wondering if the Bachelor is here for the right reasons. In an attempt to be transparent, Nick explains why he let Maid of Honor Liz go during last week's group date. He also could be dropping hints about his willingness to have one night stands. Hint hint, ladies. On that note, Ivanka decides that a trench coat and very little else besides whip cream will help her chances. She might have forgot she was already secure with the group date rose. We later find out she has trouble with short term memory which explains a lot. The whip cream trench coat act brought a flurry of fun quotes:

Hans: "Is this a dress or a coat?"

Hans: "She's good at stimulating chemistry"

Potty Mouth Taylor: "WHAT WAS THE WHIP CREAM FOR?!?"

Let's try to tighten this up and get to the actual rose ceremony. Hans doesn't want Ivanka to go full villain yet and asks her to tone it down. He knows full villain means she has to go (unless you're a TUlsa Real estate Developer). Tears ensue and Ivanka sleeps through the rose ceremony.

Who's joining Ivanka with rose safety?

Astro
Potty Mouth Taylor
Brittany
KGB DDS
Business Owner Danielle
Lawyer Rachel
Special Ed Vanessa
Miss Piggy
Balls
Flo
Teacher Sarah
Flipper
Brittany
Baby Erica Rose
Warrior Jasmine

Goodbye Lacey and Photographer Hailey and possibly other people who were not that memorable.

Backstreet's Back. No. Really. 

Ok, even I got confused with the math here when the girls said they were such fans. The group formed in 1993.

Business Owner Danielle was three.

Christen Lou Hou was one.

KGB DDS was zero and in Leningrad.

Pilates Whitney was one.

Potty Mouth Taylor was not conceived.

Warrior Jasmine was five.

Ivanka was zero.

Huge fans, though. The biggest fans. The Backstreet guys seemed fine. Warrior Jasmine predictably kicked ass. So did Business Owner Danielle on her way to securing the group date rose. We had some excellent editing work from Fleiss & co catching Ivanka claim not "to be a crybaby" and immediately cutting to her tears.

Ivanka: "I'm terrible at planned dancing."

Hans: "Do you mean choreography?"

Ivanka: "I made Corrine great again." Nice Ivanka shout-out there.

The last interesting part of this group date was the Ivanka Nanny confession. She's 24. She has a nanny. For herself. And the way Ivanka explains it, this nanny Raquel only gets joy from serving Ivanka. So, she's really being the magnanimous one here.

Special Ed's Zero G Vomit

Sometimes pictures work better.

But, seriously, has Hans ever been nauseous? He was all over her. Give the girl some damn space. At least Special Ed walked away with the rose later at dinner. 

Nickathalon with Lawyer Rachel, Flipper, Astro, Balls, Teacher Sarah, Brittany, & Flo

Despite Brittany's excitement over the sports-themed date, Astro, Flipper and Lawyer Rachel stole the show while Olympians Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix and Michelle Carter judged. 

A final 100 meter dash had Lawyer Rachel clearly win and somehow Astro walk away with the win. Even Hans gave a half-hearted cheers in the post race-hot tub:

“To……..kind of winning it.”

Other thoughts from the group date?

• Lawyer Rachel does not belong on this show.
• Don't worry, Balls. We didn't forget your quote from the after-party.
• “I just want you to know…that I wasn’t like trying to be the weird lesbian” -Balls
• Flo challenged Hans and was immediately sent home for the transgression. 

Rose Ceremony = Pool Party

17 girls. 1 Nick. And a Bounce House? Ivanka drags Hans away and the girls begin a fatal bachelor/ette mistake. They complain about another girl... 

Time's up. Ivanka.

Miss Piggy begins: "She has a nanny”

Warrior Jasmine joins in. 

Potty Mouth Taylor is next.

THIS IS NOT A WINNING MOVE. Have you ever seen this show?

Special Ed Vanessa is about to take the bait and spins out of the mess and into the open floor: “I’m not Judging Ivanka…I’m judging your actions”

Boom. That's a great place to end...and pick up next week.

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Say Yes to the Des

Harrison begins the show letting the guys know there will be three dates this week: 2 Group Thangs and a One-on-One.

Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge with Group Date Dodgeball

I'm going to run down the aka Love is a Battlefield  date (nice shout out to blog readers) guys since we are all still learning to differentiate: 1) Chris the mortgage broker who brings the pun, 2) Drew who I can’t figure out, 3) Prosecuting Domer Michael, 4) Velvet Blazer Brian from Baltimore, 5) Hockey Hair Brooks, 6) Brad, 7) NYC Mikey, 8) Brandon (who reminds everyone of Guard and Protect your Heart Kasey and I will now combine Guard and Protect Your Heart and Brandon to form GHB), 9) Big, and 10) Father Ben.

Looking at this group, you had to like NYC Mikey due to sheer size, GHB due to the crazy factor and BIG since he’s a kid in an adult’s body.

They first team the guys up against dodgeball pros and Domer Mike is intimidated. Let that soak in. Domer Mike's a federal prosecutor in Miami. These dodgeball experts must have been RUTHLESS. After the  target practice, guys are broken up into teams.

• Red team: NYC Mikey, Domer Mike, Hocker Hair, Chris, and GHB
• Blue team: Drew, Brian, Brad, Big, and Father Ben

After some nice back-and-forth action, we have an injury. We know hockey players are tough, but alas, Brooks has Hockey Hair but not a Hockey mentality.

We have our first EMT sighting of the year (shotgun) and I have some HIPAA concerns as Brooks answers medical questions with the cameras rolling.

After Party

•  Accountant Brad (Who but not Dr. Who?) gets one-on-one time
• Drops kid news - has a 3 yr old son, Maddox.
• Drops a tired line - anyone but you and I wouldn't have come on the show…
• Raising kid by myself - admirable
• Ex has drinking problems - interesting turn here.
• Arrested for domestic violence, faught, and had charges dismissed
• This is NOT first conversation material.
• Mortgage Broker Chris found the helipad.
• Brooks is raises from the dead.

“Bizarre News about one of your Guys”

That's how Harrison breaks some interesting news for Des. A dishonest man! Shocked. Turns out that Brian is a velvet blazer wearing liar. Des confronts. Past relationship was a “short time ago.” We'll find out how short soon. Brian's very recent ex Stephanie, a Des Doppelganger, shows up to confront Brian.

Velvet’s reaction to her arrival, “Oh Geez.” Is there a better reaction to being confronted by an ex? LOVE IT. Could be quote of the year material for me.

You know who else is shocked that a guy may not be telling the truth about his previous relationships on a dating reality show? Drew. Thanks for being you, Drew.

Velvet told his ex he had a “a business meeting” in California. Seems plausible. Turns out they slept together 2 days before coming out to tape the show. Mrs. Dugan and I agreed that 2 days is not enough time to be taken seriously. 2 years, obviously ok. 2 months? 2 weeks? Somewhere in between. What say you, faithful WWT readers? What is the acceptable length of time you can be intimate before entering the Bachelor mansion looking for love?

Velvet Brian was not "here for the right reasons.” DRINK!

• Hashtag's here for the rights reasons (hereinafter "HFTRR"). DRINK.
• GHB cries about the men he’s fallen in love with who have left him. This is so weird.
• Shirtless Zak’s HFTRR. DRINK.

Hashtag and #TheWorstDateEver

Circue De Sunset Strip. (Insert metaphors re support and relationships and heights #lame). Date is not going well and Des doesn’t think it’s Hashtag’s fault #yesitis. The wind hates hashtag #thatmeansGoddoesntlikeyou.

Gets a rose. #how?

Young Guns

Dryden, James, Lou Diamond Phillips, Juan Pablo, Shirtless Zak and Dr. Who bolster a infomercial for the Lone Ranger movie while trying to impress Des.

Here's the highlights:

• James is large and the guys felt bad for the horse.
• Montana Bryden and Texas Zak looked the most comfortable.
• Dr. Who lost his pants.
• Juan Pablo spoke Spanish the whole time. Cue spanish guitars. Thank you Fleiss & Co.
• James secured a rose.

Pool Party

• Villian Father Ben moves aggresively for some one-on-one time.
• Drew wants Des to know she can talk to him. Especially with updates on the guys. Be you, Drew.
• Mikey T, James and Domer Mike are gathering momentum as the Anti-Father Ben crowd.
• GHB is not stable. He brings up his single mom and the men coming in and out of his life. GHB offering promises he won't hurt her. Just say you'll guard and protect her heart. He's "falling in love." So awkward.

Rose Ceremony

• GHB confident
• Domer Mike focused on Father Ben
• Velvet Blazer Brian already gone.
• Hashtag, Big Pun (Chris needs a nickname) and Big Jim are safe.

 Who else is safe?

• Brayden
• Juan Pablo
• Shirtless Zak
• Hockey Hair
• Drew…come on, really?
• BIG
• Brad who?
• Domer Mike
• NYC Mikey
• Father Ben

Goodbye to Dr. Who and formerly confidant GHB. Beware Drew and Brad…you don’t have nicknames and your kind is dwindling. Dr. Who takes it well. GHB, predictably, does not. Tears. In love. Heart smashed with a hammer. “I’m just…I’m just out of tears.”

Until next week’s Boardwalk Empire/Jersey Shore mashup with Wags.

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Emily's Race to Love

We are off to London for Episode 5 and the men are down to 10. Some would even say it's The Final Countdown.

But let's take a closer look at the ten gathered at Trafalgar Square.

Mrs. Dugan looks at the Ten and says it is still very easy to pick guys that will not win. She looks at the pic and declares the only realistic shots belong to Indy Arie, Sean, and Bobblehead. Do you agree? Let us hear from you in the comments.

Emily's "Prisoner of Love" 

Sean's date card reads, "Love takes no prisoners." Dugan thinks..."hmmm, they're going to the Tower of London." But Sean hears the date card and says, "I have no idea what that means." And...point Dugan.

Before they get to what Emily calls "London Tower," Emily and Sean take in the sights including Westminster Abbey, St. Paul’s Cathedral and Buckingham Palace.

Back at the House

Indy Arie, SLC Jef, Kalon Hilfiger are talking about the group date v. one-on-one dynamic and Kalon - while twisting his mustache in dastardly fashion - explains that the rest of your life is a group date due to Ricki always having to be around, you know, being Emily's daughter and all.

Well, then. It's official. Kalon Hilfiger has become Snidely Whiplash. The transformation is complete.

Back to Sean's date and cliches about dating in prison. I have to give Emily a lot of credit. She has not - AT ALL - hid the fact that she wants kids, lots of them, and quickly. Sean says he would prefer two kids but would accept up to ten. He's going far in this competition.

A Play by any other Actors is a much better Play

Bobblehead, Indy Arie, Uncle Rico, Father Doug, Ollie Handro, Egg Man, Wolf, and Kalon "Snidely Whiplash" Hilfiger get to embarrass themselves reciting lines from Romeo & Juliet at the Bard's birthplace, Stratford-upon-Avon.

• Egg Man brings the enthusiasm.
• Kalon Hilfiger continues to pad his Bachelor Pad villain resume. You've done enough.
• For his own safety, I hope Indy Arie is a better race car driver. Palindrome. Boom.
• Ollie, Wolf, Rico and Kalon achieve Romeo status.
• Father Doug and Indy Arie play female parts. 
• Egg Man and Bobblehead get to sword fight.
• Egg Man has become a clown only there for comic relief. 

After Party at the Cox Yard

The what?!? 8 guys walk into a bar called the Cox Yard. Mrs. Dugan points out that Emily's milkshake brought all the boys to the yard. OK, I chuckled. But I love bad jokes. Let's get back to Cox Yard. Seriously. Was Dick's Inn not available? OK, I'll move on. Meanwhile, back at the Cox Yard...

• Arie gets a kiss.
• Rico gives jewelry and gets a hug. Touche, Arie.
• Kalon Hilfiger seals his fate with this gem regarding his enthusiasm of talking with Emily: “I’ll get a chance to talk to an exhausted sick mother who has a child waiting on her..."
• WELCOME TO BACHELOR PAD 3 Kalon!
• That wasn't enough so he describes Emily's daughter as “Baggage”

• Father Doug tattles
• Emily gets redneck
• Kalon exits in a minivan. Minivan? They have minivans in Europe?

 SLC Jef to the rescue

SLC Jef gets his first one-on-one to help put Emily back in the mood. An etiquette teacher rubs Emily and SLC Jef the wrong way and they ditch her to grab some beers and Fish & Chips. There’s a lot more beer drinking in London v. Wine in America. Over the beers, SLC Jef explains that if Ricki is baggage, she's a Khloe Handbag.  Dugan is not very hip, but I know Khloe sells stuff at Sears.

The rest was boring and then they kissed.

Rose Ceremony

• Hot Seat for Egg Man, Wolf and Indy Arie.
• Rico wants to have fun. What doesn't say fun more than a second scarf in one episode. Uncle Rico is now Uncle Jon Voight Rico.
• Kalon is already jettisoned, Sean and SLC Jef have Roses. What 6 are joining them?
• Father Doug, Uncle Jon Voight Rico, Bobblehead, Wolf, Indy Arie and the Egg Man.
• Goodbye to the “farmer” from Medellin.

Until next week when Wags takes over for the Croatian episode. Fun Fact. Croatians can coach: Nick Saban, Bill Belichick and Rudy Tomjanovich agree.