The Bachelor Episode 10: Finnish Fantasy

Whiskey and ice cream for me tonight.   I'm as predictable as one of the contestants accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite.  My whiskey is as neat as Harrison's handwriting on a date card.  My ice cream is as cold as a March day in Finland.  

On the Bachelor, fantasy suite dates equal romance; for me, it's Mrs. Wags reading Pinterest while I recap the episode.  You should see us on Tuesday nights!

Just add the dog, and it's us tomorrow night

We resume the episode on It's So Raven's dream date in a yurt.  Everyone wants to know the answer to the big question: did Raven get there for the first time?  

Well, everyone except her POOR PARENTS.  Her dad, fresh off finding out that he's cancer-free, now has to find out on national television that his daughter did I.T. with Hans.  

Bachelorette Rachel

Rachel said being in Finland is like Narnia.  This statement clearly showed that she's a lawyer because all lawyers are big nerds deep down (and sometimes not so deep down . . . as I look at myself  in the mirror.). 

Hans got his revenge on Rachel for taking him to church.  He took her cross-country skiing.  No comment. 

The ski trip took them to a reindeer petting zoo.  Way better than the usual goats that are guaranteed to bite you.  

I don't know Santa, and I will bite you.

In the evening portion of the date, Rachel struggled to tell Hans she loves him. After Hans told her to check her ego at the door and follow her heart, she said she's falling in love.  Like Van Morrison sang, 

"She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love
She give me love, love, love, love, ego-checked-at-the-door love"

Rachel said yes to the fantasy suite.  I'm still so curious how she's going to go out.  I really hope he proposes to her and she says no.

Special Ed Vanessa

The date started off with an ice plunge followed by a sauna.  According to Hans, this is Finnish tradition.  Apparently, "firm handshakes with eye contact and no supporting gestures" are also a Finnish tradition.  The fantasy suite just got way more boring.  

Yes, I will join you in the fantasy suite.

Fleiss & Co., again trying to throw us off the scent, showed Special Ed and Hans having tough conversations about their (in)compatibility and nationalities.  We all know she's going to win, and we've known this for a long time.  

Special Ed said yes to the fantasy suite.  A little champagne, fireplace, and snuggling solves everything.  

In the morning, Special Ed said the night in the fantasy suite has given her "more of an appreciation for who Nick is."  That's an artful way to put it.  

Rose Ceremony

HARRISON IS IN FINLAND.  After being marginalized all season, Fleiss & Co. gave Harrison his due and sent him to see the Northern Lights. 

Weepy Hans gave the first rose to That's So Raven.  

The final rose went to Special Ed Vanessa (obviously).  

I feel sorry for Rachel, but not all that sorry for Bachelorette Rachel.  She's getting what she came for (and what she deserves): her own season.   

Until next week when we get the real prize: Neil mf'n LANE!!!  

The Bachelor Episode 3: Is Hans Here For The Right Reasons?

No.

Hey hey, fans and friends. This week was a fantastic episode. The blog received shout-outs from Fleiss & Co (See Ivanka's quote later) and the episode had multiple laugh-out-loud moments. Let's get right into it picking up from last week's "to be continued" at the rose ceremony. In a bit of a role reversal, we have the contestants wondering if the Bachelor is here for the right reasons. In an attempt to be transparent, Nick explains why he let Maid of Honor Liz go during last week's group date. He also could be dropping hints about his willingness to have one night stands. Hint hint, ladies. On that note, Ivanka decides that a trench coat and very little else besides whip cream will help her chances. She might have forgot she was already secure with the group date rose. We later find out she has trouble with short term memory which explains a lot. The whip cream trench coat act brought a flurry of fun quotes:

Hans: "Is this a dress or a coat?"

Hans: "She's good at stimulating chemistry"

Potty Mouth Taylor: "WHAT WAS THE WHIP CREAM FOR?!?"

Let's try to tighten this up and get to the actual rose ceremony. Hans doesn't want Ivanka to go full villain yet and asks her to tone it down. He knows full villain means she has to go (unless you're a TUlsa Real estate Developer). Tears ensue and Ivanka sleeps through the rose ceremony.

Who's joining Ivanka with rose safety?

Astro
Potty Mouth Taylor
Brittany
KGB DDS
Business Owner Danielle
Lawyer Rachel
Special Ed Vanessa
Miss Piggy
Balls
Flo
Teacher Sarah
Flipper
Brittany
Baby Erica Rose
Warrior Jasmine

Goodbye Lacey and Photographer Hailey and possibly other people who were not that memorable.

Backstreet's Back. No. Really. 

Ok, even I got confused with the math here when the girls said they were such fans. The group formed in 1993.

Business Owner Danielle was three.

Christen Lou Hou was one.

KGB DDS was zero and in Leningrad.

Pilates Whitney was one.

Potty Mouth Taylor was not conceived.

Warrior Jasmine was five.

Ivanka was zero.

Huge fans, though. The biggest fans. The Backstreet guys seemed fine. Warrior Jasmine predictably kicked ass. So did Business Owner Danielle on her way to securing the group date rose. We had some excellent editing work from Fleiss & co catching Ivanka claim not "to be a crybaby" and immediately cutting to her tears.

Ivanka: "I'm terrible at planned dancing."

Hans: "Do you mean choreography?"

Ivanka: "I made Corrine great again." Nice Ivanka shout-out there.

The last interesting part of this group date was the Ivanka Nanny confession. She's 24. She has a nanny. For herself. And the way Ivanka explains it, this nanny Raquel only gets joy from serving Ivanka. So, she's really being the magnanimous one here.

Special Ed's Zero G Vomit

Sometimes pictures work better.

But, seriously, has Hans ever been nauseous? He was all over her. Give the girl some damn space. At least Special Ed walked away with the rose later at dinner. 

Nickathalon with Lawyer Rachel, Flipper, Astro, Balls, Teacher Sarah, Brittany, & Flo

Despite Brittany's excitement over the sports-themed date, Astro, Flipper and Lawyer Rachel stole the show while Olympians Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix and Michelle Carter judged. 

A final 100 meter dash had Lawyer Rachel clearly win and somehow Astro walk away with the win. Even Hans gave a half-hearted cheers in the post race-hot tub:

“To……..kind of winning it.”

Other thoughts from the group date?

• Lawyer Rachel does not belong on this show.
• Don't worry, Balls. We didn't forget your quote from the after-party.
• “I just want you to know…that I wasn’t like trying to be the weird lesbian” -Balls
• Flo challenged Hans and was immediately sent home for the transgression. 

Rose Ceremony = Pool Party

17 girls. 1 Nick. And a Bounce House? Ivanka drags Hans away and the girls begin a fatal bachelor/ette mistake. They complain about another girl... 

Time's up. Ivanka.

Miss Piggy begins: "She has a nanny”

Warrior Jasmine joins in. 

Potty Mouth Taylor is next.

THIS IS NOT A WINNING MOVE. Have you ever seen this show?

Special Ed Vanessa is about to take the bait and spins out of the mess and into the open floor: “I’m not Judging Ivanka…I’m judging your actions”

Boom. That's a great place to end...and pick up next week.

The Bachelor Episode 2: Let's Talk About S.E.X.

It feels good to be back in the writer's chair (or sofa) for another season of the search for true love.  While discussing weird childhood memories during dinner last night, I told Mrs. Wags about how I used to go to my Grandma's house next door.  I would eat cookies, rice krispy treats, grape nuts, and spoonfuls of sugar from her sugar drawer.  Yes, she had a drawer of sugar.  And yes, I liked grape nuts as a kid. And yes, I put lots of brown sugar on the grape nuts.   Welllll, while eating all this junk food, we used to watch Love Connection on her kitchen television.

Chuck Woolery, the original Chris Harrison

Mrs. Wags pointed out that I owe my Grandma for setting me up for a career of enjoying others' search for true love.  So I propose a whiskey and ice cream toast to Grandma Wags, the original believer in being there for the right reasons.

On to the show....

Ivanka started off the episode by saying that she's "like totally crushing" on Hans.  I like totally don't think I can listen to this all season long.

Group Date: Ivanka, Vanessa, Sarah, Flipper Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Warrior Jasmine G., Raven, Danielle L., Potty Mouth Taylor, and Elizabeth W.

The group date started off with three convertible Buicks parked out in front of the mansion.  No amount of advertising can change my opinion that Buicks are for old people.  

The first group date activity was a a wedding photo shoot with renowned photographer Franco Lacosta.  I just couldn't resist:  http://francolacostacreative.com   And neither should you. 

The women all had to wear "wedding dresses."  A wedding dress on the Bachelor = partial nudity or pretending to be pregnant.  Fleiss and Co., treading on the concept of marriage since 2002.

Ivanka took her top off during her photo shoot, providing a full frontal shot for Franco.  I found a picture of how it came out:

Later in the evening, Ivanka said, "No one has ever held my boobs like that."  I think Sheryl Sandberg said something along these lines in her book, Lean In.   Minutes later, Ivanka said her "nipple might have been out" when talking with Hans.  Keep building that resume for Bachelor in Paradise!

Ivanka and Potty Mouth Taylor got in a fight over "stealing" Hans.  For our new readers, there is a rule, surely laid down by Fleiss and Co., that you must cede your time with the Bachelor when another datetestant asks to interrupt.  Increasingly drunk Ivanka repeatedly exercised the interruption privilege, and eventually received the date rose for her efforts.  But she appropriately also has the hatred of all the other women.  Like Ivanka said, "cheers, bitches."

Solo Date: Cheesehead Danielle L.

Last week, Dugan predicted that Danielle L. would be going very far this season.  After receiving the first solo date, the prediction is looking good.  

The date began with the couple already in a helicopter!  I actually rewound my DVR to see if I missed the arrival of the helicopter.  I guess helicopters on the Bach have become so rote that they can just begin in the air.

Back at the house, MOH Liz mentioned for the millionth time that she had sex with Hans.  Finally, MOH confessed to another datetestant, Christen Lou Who, that she had the prior relationship with him.  Sex talk aside, how great is this nickname Dugan and I came up with today, inspired by a WWTB super fan?

While I was busy doing some subpar Microsoft Paint work, Cheesehead Danielle mentioned that she was engaged a few years back.  Three months into their engagement, her fiancé overdosed on drugs and died.  Cause of death: 95% drugs, 5% wedding planning.  

Cheesehead seems like a very nice person and received a well-deserved rose.

Group Date #2: Christen Lou Who, Baby Rose Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi Balls, KGB DDS Kristina, and MOH Liz

The date started off at LA's famous Museum of Broken Relationships.  Who would want to go to this place!?  Apparently, Hans contributed an exhibit to the museum, his engagement ring that Andi rejected.  I hope he got permission from Neil Lane to donate that 8 carat monster to the "museum."  

While in the museum, two actors pretended to break-up, ending with a slap in the face.  I guess this place doubles as the domestic violence museum.  Additional actors depicted more breakups.  My favorite went like this:

Woman: I was sick at the party.

Man: Yeah, sick off of margaritas.  

When performing mock breakups, MOH Liz told the whole story of the night they met.  In case you were wondering, that was also the same night they had s.e.x.  Hans is learning that he should have ditched his past on the first episode.  

Jaimi Balls admitted that she had a girlfriend before, but promised not to go after any of the women Hans likes.  

Hans told KGB that he noticed her "slight" accent.  Describing her accent as slight is like saying Anthony Davis has a slight unibrow.  

Barely noticeable

Hans confronted MOH Liz and sent her home.  Like they say, always a one night stand, never a bride.

Hans told all the other women about the one night stand and .....  TO BE CONTINUED!

The Bachelorette Episode 10: It's Neil Lane Time

It's finale night.  You know what that means, right?  It means true love will be found! (okay, maybe not).  It means Neil Lane will be on the show! (not a guarantee).  It means Chris Harrison will finally get the air time he deserves! (unlikely).

There is only one thing guaranteed in this crazy, mixed-up Bachelor/ette world: I will be celebrating with Four Roses bourbon and ice cream one last time!  And to completely come clean, I had a small glass of Rosé with dinner. I don't know what's in store for Andi, but this will easily be my most romantic drinking night of the season. But enough about my vices, let's continue with the recap.

This final episode is coming to you live with Chris B. Harrison, our spiritual guide and beacon of light for hopeless romantics everywhere.  Harrison drops a bomb on the audience: the guy who lost is still in love and even went to Mexico on one of Andi's vacations to try and win her back (read: one of these guys is really, really pitiful).  

Hans Meets the Fam

Hans, my pick to win it all, met Andi's family.  Andi's dad, Hy, said he's never seen one of Andi's dates so nervous.  How crazy is it that her dad has a reference point for comparison?  You know you've been involved with ABC's The Bachelor/ette too long when your dad can say something like that.  

Hans tells the Dorfmans that he loves that Andi is a "career-driven" woman. Does Hans realize that Andi has quit her job twice to be on this show?  As Detective Dugan previously pointed out, she probably only worked as a lawyer for 18 months, max.  Let's just say I'm not prepared to give her any awards.  

That's Gloria Steinem, real feminist.  

Andi Dorman, anti-feminist and part-time Kardashian impersonator

As I was typing, the date just flew by.  Hans got permission to marry Andi.  

Josh Griffey Jr. Meets the Fam

Josh also arrived to meet Andi's family.  Hy said Josh was nervous.  Josh said Josh was nervous.  I even got nervous (but only after I noticed that Andi's sister had a tattoo of a turtle on her shoulder...I REALLY hope she got it on this "meet the family" trip).  

The Dorfmans disliked Josh because he is just like every over-confident jock that she has dated.  I don't even know Andi, but even I can see that he is like every other Atlanta jock that she has dated.  

Andi's dad called Versailles, "Ver-sal."  Do your thing, Hy.  

Josh b.s.'d his way into getting permission from Hy.   

Josh's Last Date

They took one last yacht ride together.  Andi rhetorically asked, "is this all too good to be true?"  To you, Andi, I concisely answer, "Yes."  

Josh says he wants to marry "his best friend."  Please refer to the title of this week's blog post:  "Week 10."  Declaring someone your best friend after 10 weeks only works when you're six years old and 10 weeks constitutes a significant percentage of your entire life.  In their hit song, "You're My Best Friend," Queen's Freddy Mercury pointed out that "I've been with you such a long time."  If Freddy says time matters, it must be so.



Josh then said he wants to "make her my wife."  Why do I feel like I have entered into a country music lyric whenever Josh talks?  

Josh wrote a letter to Andi and read it out loud.  I guess I feel better about him knowing that he can read.  

Josh then presented Andi with her very own Andi Murray baseball card.  This moment must have made Dugan's nickname dreams come true:

I really want Josh to lose (but I also kind of want Hans to lose).

Hans's Final Date

I've had about enough of these dates.  When is Neil Lane going to show up?  We've been waiting all season for that moment.  I don't need to see another helicopter/yacht/ATV/beach/picnic/waterfall/chardonnay scene.  I need a slim fit black suit with an white, unbuttoned dress shirt.

He always delivers

While swimming in a lagoon, Josh said he wants to marry Andi.  This isn't really news or revelatory, but it happened, so I guess I should write about it.

The date continued with dinner later that night and more chardonnay, of course.  Hans and Andi then made out for awhile.  These types of moments are always my favorite because one guy will presumably propose marriage in the next 24-48 hours.  He will then re-watch this episode.  He will see the other guy making out with his fiancé.  So I ask you, dear reader, WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER GO ON THIS SHOW!?!?!?   

To be on the cover of US Weekly of course, said Mrs. Dugan

Neil Lane

All of my dreams came true.  Neil Lane arrived to explain the 4 C's to these guys.  Neil Lane loves an emerald cut because it's for a strong woman.  Josh agreed.

Hans was waiting for Neil in his thatch-roof hut, but Andi showed up instead.  And she wasn't wearing makeup.  Not a good sign for Hans.  Looks like Andi has her "crying face" ready.  Once Hans saw Andi sans-mascara, he could see the writing on the wall.  Andi broke up with him.  Hans had a great response by pointing out that Andi "took it too far."  Good point Hans.  Why do the Bachelor/ettes always give into the pressures of Fleiss and Co. and lead the loser on so much?  It must be contractual, right?  Lawyers.  It's always the lawyers.  

Andi left in tears.  Hans stood by the railing of his room and nearly gave us a full Mesnick, but sadly we only got a Flajnik (lean over the rail, no tears).  Mrs. Wags wants to know what a "Pavelka" would be.  

Do the Pavelka

Rose Ceremony

Hans is already on the slow boat to Wisconsin, so there will not be any surprises in this rose ceremony.  

Once again, Josh Griffey Jr. said that he gave up his first love of baseball to find a family.  I would be remiss if I didn't point out that he likely gave up baseball because he was a career .213 hitter in single-A minor league baseball.  

Josh's speech cadence is the same as Kenny Powers.  Andi is April.  HOW AM I JUST REALIZING THIS NOW!?  Oh no, the season is slipping away.  She's the one with the career.  He's a loser.  They're from Georgia.  They live in Georgia.  His baseball career has been over for years.  THEY ARE KENNY AND APRIL.  Season is ending.  Must madly type comparisons...oh no....fading....to.....black.......