The Bachelor Episode 2: Let's Talk About S.E.X.

It feels good to be back in the writer's chair (or sofa) for another season of the search for true love.  While discussing weird childhood memories during dinner last night, I told Mrs. Wags about how I used to go to my Grandma's house next door.  I would eat cookies, rice krispy treats, grape nuts, and spoonfuls of sugar from her sugar drawer.  Yes, she had a drawer of sugar.  And yes, I liked grape nuts as a kid. And yes, I put lots of brown sugar on the grape nuts.   Welllll, while eating all this junk food, we used to watch Love Connection on her kitchen television.

Chuck Woolery, the original Chris Harrison

Mrs. Wags pointed out that I owe my Grandma for setting me up for a career of enjoying others' search for true love.  So I propose a whiskey and ice cream toast to Grandma Wags, the original believer in being there for the right reasons.

On to the show....

Ivanka started off the episode by saying that she's "like totally crushing" on Hans.  I like totally don't think I can listen to this all season long.

Group Date: Ivanka, Vanessa, Sarah, Flipper Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Warrior Jasmine G., Raven, Danielle L., Potty Mouth Taylor, and Elizabeth W.

The group date started off with three convertible Buicks parked out in front of the mansion.  No amount of advertising can change my opinion that Buicks are for old people.  

The first group date activity was a a wedding photo shoot with renowned photographer Franco Lacosta.  I just couldn't resist:  http://francolacostacreative.com   And neither should you. 

The women all had to wear "wedding dresses."  A wedding dress on the Bachelor = partial nudity or pretending to be pregnant.  Fleiss and Co., treading on the concept of marriage since 2002.

Ivanka took her top off during her photo shoot, providing a full frontal shot for Franco.  I found a picture of how it came out:

Later in the evening, Ivanka said, "No one has ever held my boobs like that."  I think Sheryl Sandberg said something along these lines in her book, Lean In.   Minutes later, Ivanka said her "nipple might have been out" when talking with Hans.  Keep building that resume for Bachelor in Paradise!

Ivanka and Potty Mouth Taylor got in a fight over "stealing" Hans.  For our new readers, there is a rule, surely laid down by Fleiss and Co., that you must cede your time with the Bachelor when another datetestant asks to interrupt.  Increasingly drunk Ivanka repeatedly exercised the interruption privilege, and eventually received the date rose for her efforts.  But she appropriately also has the hatred of all the other women.  Like Ivanka said, "cheers, bitches."

Solo Date: Cheesehead Danielle L.

Last week, Dugan predicted that Danielle L. would be going very far this season.  After receiving the first solo date, the prediction is looking good.  

The date began with the couple already in a helicopter!  I actually rewound my DVR to see if I missed the arrival of the helicopter.  I guess helicopters on the Bach have become so rote that they can just begin in the air.

Back at the house, MOH Liz mentioned for the millionth time that she had sex with Hans.  Finally, MOH confessed to another datetestant, Christen Lou Who, that she had the prior relationship with him.  Sex talk aside, how great is this nickname Dugan and I came up with today, inspired by a WWTB super fan?

While I was busy doing some subpar Microsoft Paint work, Cheesehead Danielle mentioned that she was engaged a few years back.  Three months into their engagement, her fiancé overdosed on drugs and died.  Cause of death: 95% drugs, 5% wedding planning.  

Cheesehead seems like a very nice person and received a well-deserved rose.

Group Date #2: Christen Lou Who, Baby Rose Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi Balls, KGB DDS Kristina, and MOH Liz

The date started off at LA's famous Museum of Broken Relationships.  Who would want to go to this place!?  Apparently, Hans contributed an exhibit to the museum, his engagement ring that Andi rejected.  I hope he got permission from Neil Lane to donate that 8 carat monster to the "museum."  

While in the museum, two actors pretended to break-up, ending with a slap in the face.  I guess this place doubles as the domestic violence museum.  Additional actors depicted more breakups.  My favorite went like this:

Woman: I was sick at the party.

Man: Yeah, sick off of margaritas.  

When performing mock breakups, MOH Liz told the whole story of the night they met.  In case you were wondering, that was also the same night they had s.e.x.  Hans is learning that he should have ditched his past on the first episode.  

Jaimi Balls admitted that she had a girlfriend before, but promised not to go after any of the women Hans likes.  

Hans told KGB that he noticed her "slight" accent.  Describing her accent as slight is like saying Anthony Davis has a slight unibrow.  

Barely noticeable

Hans confronted MOH Liz and sent her home.  Like they say, always a one night stand, never a bride.

Hans told all the other women about the one night stand and .....  TO BE CONTINUED!