The Bachelor Episode 4: On Wisconsin

It's wine and lasagna night tonight.  For all the women on the Bachelor, lasagna is a layered pasta dish with cheese and other good stuff.  I don't need to tell you all what wine is.

We resume the episode with the usual scene of Ivanka asleep and the other women complaining about Ivanka's sexual aggressiveness.

Special Ed Vanessa, interviewed while wearing a low-cut sports bra, said she would not be "shaking her t*ts at him."  But she's more than willing to shake at us!

Before the rose ceremony, Ivanka claimed that she wasn't privileged.  

Rose Ceremony #1

Joining Lawyer Rachel, Business Owner Danielle, and Special Ed with roses were:

Miss Piggy Raven

Potty Mouth Taylor

Pilates Whitney

KGB DDS

Warrior Jasmine (I needed this after the Warriors' loss to Dugan's Heat tonight)

Flipper Alexis

(It's a lock that Ivanka is getting a rose)

Astrid

Cheesehead Danielle

Jaime (doesn't like) Balls

Baby Erica Rose Josephine

Teacher Sarah

And the final rose goes to....Ivanka (told you it was a lock)

Goodbye Christen Lou Who and Brittany.  One good nickname down.  One girl who appeared naked with no nickname also down.  

After the rose ceremony, Ivanka proposed a toast.  Based on how drunk she was, I'm surprised she could string the words together.  Every time she talks, she reminds me of a pretty awesome SNL character:

Harrison announced that it "was time to pack" their bags because they are "literally" going around the world.  First stop on this world tour: Waukesha, Wisconsin!!!

Solo Date #1: Business Owner Danielle

BO Danielle got to walk around Waukesha on her date to learn a little more about Hans.  They stopped at bakery first.  They made a special cookie for Hans, the "Nicker-doodle."  DO NOT try to say that five times fast.  I promise you it's a bad idea.

Next, they happened to run into one of Hans's exes.  Fleiss and Co. are such cruel puppeteers.  

Since the date wasn't all that interesting, I thought I would look up all the famous people from Waukesha.  WOW!  On the bright side, I guess Waukesha has a history with the slender man stabbing. 

In the evening portion of the date, BO Danielle wore a low cut dress.  Like her personality, it didn't leave much to the imagination.  BO could mean business owner, but in her case it definitely also means BOring. 

BO got a date rose, but before the date ended they went to the Pabst Theater (love the beer themed state of Wisconsin) to see Chris Lang.  I went on Spotify to see who he is, and found out that he's actually Chris Lane.  I also sort of thought it was Kyle Martino.

Not Chris Lang or Chris Lang.  

Group Date: Lawyer Rachel, Flipper, Special Ed, Warrior Jasmine, Balls, Teach, Pilates Whitney, KGB DDS, Astrid, Potty Mouth, Cheesehead, and Ivanka

The date started off on a dairy farm.  My brother, Joe Wags, worked on a dairy farm while in college at UW Madison.  I thought I would ask him for the inside scoop.  I didn't realize I would get this response:

Thumbs down

Ivanka said she'd rather be at a spa eating a taco, preferably chicken.  This sounds insane, but I think I might also be interested in getting a back massage while downing a burrito.  

They shoveled manure and milked cows.  I'm glad I went to law school.

In the evening portion of the date, Ivanka heard the other women talking trash about her, focusing on her immaturity.  She showed how mature she is by grabbing her boobs and saying, "Do these look immature?"  Ivanka knew what was going on with the other women, using a baby voice to say, "I see you."

Ivanka then delivered the QOTN:  "Michael Jordan took naps.  Abraham Lincoln took naps."  Case closed.  

Minutes later, Ivanka pointed out that they are "fighting for a fiance, not a pickle."  Ivanka is setting back the cause of the Women's March just by talking.  

KGB DDS got the date rose.  

Solo Date #2: Miss Piggy Raven

The date started off at Hans's youngest sister's soccer game.  

My favorite movie older brother and way younger sister

Other than Bella's domination of the competition, there was not much to report on the date.  

They proceeded to the roller rink...with Bella in tow.  

In the dinner portion of the date, Miss Piggy told the graphic story of how she walked in on her boyfriend "thrusting" on top of another woman.  I'm glad Bella wasn't still on the date to hear that story.  Apparently, Hans likes raunchy infidelity stories.  Miss Piggy Raven got the date rose.

Rose Ceremony #2  

Ivanka, drunk and angry, decided to take on Potty Mouth Taylor.  After Potty Mouth said Ivanka had low emotional intelligence.  Ivanka said she must be intelligent because she runs a multi-million dollar company.  Can't argue with that.

This dummy fight continues next week.

(The queen of the outtakes, Flipper, said that she is afraid of Nicholas Cage and aliens.  I hope she's the next Bachelorette.)