The Bachelor Episode 6: Turnips and Lipstick

So, did you miss us?  Dugan and I have been very busy lately so we decided to only blog on time for our paid subscribers.  And since we have zero paid subscribers, we do what we want.

By the way, we have almost 100,000 blog views.

Last week's episode was about as interesting as a calculus class, so you didn't miss much.  My ice cream is finished, so let's start the recap:

After the 2-on-1 date with Ivanka and Potty Mouth Taylor, Hans sent the Potty Mouth home.  Potty wouldn't take no rose for an answer, so she showed up at the evening portion of Ivanka's date to reveal the truth about Ivanka.  Potty figured that the only reason she got sent home was Ivanka's lying.  I wish Hans had said, "I just don't think you're very good looking."  Unfortunately, not all dreams come true.  

Dreams come true.

...and sometimes they don't.

Upon "winning" the 2-on-1, Ivanka provided a quote I will not use at work, "Cats have nine lives, and bitches have two."   

Speaking of Ivanka, tough week for her shoes.  

Rose Ceremony

Joining Ivanka, Rachel Esq., and Cheesehead Danielle with roses was:

KGB Christina

That's So Raven

Special Ed Vanessa

BO Danielle

Warriors Jasmine

Pilates Whitney

Goodbye to Flipper Alexis (sad), Baby Erica Rose Josephine (not so sad), and Jaime (doesn't like) Balls (no one cares).

The crew continued their journey for love in St. Thomas.  You know what that means, right?  It means cut-off jean shorts with exposed pockets!!!  So predictable.  

1-on-1: KGB Christina

KGB was very excited to get the date and take her first trip on a sea plane.  Hard to land an ice plane in Putin's icy Russia.

Back in Russia, KGB has a sister that she "thinks" is 27.  According to KGB, they don't talk often.  Shocking. 

In the evening portion of the date, Hans said he wanted to know more about her.  She's from Russia.  She had no food.  She once ate lipstick because she had no food.  Her mom kicked her out of the house when she was 5 possibly because she ate the lipstick.  She went to a Russian orphanage.  

I found a picture of her orphanage.  

At 12, an American family adopted her.  Apparently, eating lipstick was worth it because she got the date rose. 

Group Date: Rachel Esq., That's So Raven, Special Ed, Ivanka, Cheesehead, and Warrior

If the Bachelor is any indication, St. Thomas is FILLED with steel drums.  And when I think of steel drums, I can think of only one thing:

The group date started with corn hole and volleyball.  I'll take the sea plane.

During the volleyball game, So Raven delivered some great lines.  "I'm sure [Ivanka] would be a great volleyball player...if she wasn't so drunk." Also, "If Jasmine was a vegetable, she'd be a turnip because she's turnt all the way up."   

In the evening portion of the date, all of the women wanted "validation," especially Warrior Jasmine. "Why'd you bring me to St. Thomas?  I've been to St. Thomas.  I don't need to be here," said Warrior. At least she got to go to Waukesha, a place she surely had never been before.  When she finally got some private time, she figuratively said she wanted to choke Hans, but then she went on to say that she literally wanted to choke him in a sexual way.  Less than 30 TV seconds later, Hans said no thank you and sent Warrior home.  

2-on-1: Pilates Whitney and BO Danielle

This is the type of date a wish I could bet real money on.  I'd bet $500 that BO is getting the rose.  But I probably wouldn't get a good odds.  

Before I could even finish thinking about how much money I would bet, Hans unceremoniously sent Pilates home.  He must be more of a BAR method guy.  

In the evening portion of the date, Hans decided that he couldn't handle BO Danielle either.  I'm not sure what this means for this fake bet I spent all this time thinking about.  Anyway, all of us are winners because BO's personality left much to be desired.  

Until next week, when Hans keeps cutting...

***Was Chris Harrison even on this episode one time!?***