The Bachelor Episode 7: Tears, Sharks and Tears

Hans' tears have breached the dam.

We begin the episode in St. Thomas where the drama from last week is still unresolved. Hans gets a pep talk from Harrison and looks to assure the girls he’s here for the right reasons. Besides the amount of tears, what’s striking is how few women are left:

Ivanka

Special Ed Vanessa

Rachel Esq.

That’s So Raven

Cheesehead Danielle

KGB DDS

It is late in the season, but I feel Hans is trying to convince the girls to stick with him over these last few weeks. The chance of a successful relationship coming from this season has to be the lowest probability since Jake/Brad’s seasons. Maybe it’s a 4 letter name thing? That’s why Tim and Dugan stick to 3/5 letters.

You know a good way to get a girl to like you? Take them to Bimini! Hans says why not and has to trim the suave six to the final four a few miles off the coast from Dugan.

Did I just say Final Four? No, we’re not talking about the Stevie Vasturia-lead Notre Dame basketball team. Next week are Hometowns!!!

Special Ed Vanessa & the Bermuda Triangle Shipwreck

The most interesting part of this trip was Ivanka’s initial response: “You lucky bitch.” Special Ed Vanessa is an assured front-runner and my pick to win at this point. Still smarting over the lack of a one-on-one, Ivanka decides to trash Special Ed Vanessa as having “no depth” and constantly talking about pasta and her special needs kids. Ivanka is becoming a super-villain and must be stopped.

Hans may have surfaced from the snorkeling too quickly because he dropped this gem later on the date: “Hometowns is next week” Oh, Hans. So eloquent.

Special Ed Vanessa appears to understand the show. She gives Hans the “I’m falling in love….” talk. Then she is flummoxed when she doesn’t get it back. No reciprocation is par for the course.

Do they get the show in Canada?

Ivanka, KGB DDS, and That’s So Raven go to School

We start the group date hearing the girls points of view. KGB DDS is sick of sharing her boyfriend. Raven simply wants the rose. Ivanka wants Nick. And the producers did not wait long to get the fireworks started. Having Hans apply sunscreen to KGB DDS in front of Ivanka/That’s So Raven was pure genius. We all know Ivanka’s lack of stability. Don’t sleep on my girl Raven. Remember earlier this season when she admitted to beating up a boyfriend with the stiletto heel of a women he was having sex with at the time. She can go cray if need be.

Watch your back, Hans. Speaking of, it’s shark swimming time. I don’t know why I got a kick out of this, but I did find it funny that KGB DDS started to detail the rows of teeth sharks enjoy. Raven wasn’t intimidated: “I will punch a shark in the face.” Well then.

I only have one question watching this date. How do fake eye lashes do in salt water?

Let’s speed up this recap:

• Ivanka is worried about falling behind.
• Hans cried.
• Raven uses the term “Daddy” which is no Bueno with Mrs. Dugan.
• Nevertheless, Raven gets the rose and Ivanka is starting to get worried.

Cheesehead Danielle and the Boring Date

At first, this date was pretty cool. They road bikes and started playing basketball with local kids. It went downhill when they had to talk to one another. Here’s the recap.

Boom. She’s getting cut mid-date. That’s how bad it was. Cutting her was the only interesting thing to come after basketball. It also gave us this exchange:

Hans: “You’re just so great”

Danielle: “Not great enough. I’ll leave and get my things.”

Hans: “I’ll walk you out.”

Danielle: “Sure.”

OUCH BABE.

Ivanka and the Caitlyn fail, Rachel as the next Bachelorette Date, and the KGB DDS Exit

Ivanka tried to cheer up Hans with a nightcap. Hans thought better of it and cut her off before he could make the same mistake twice.

Mrs. Dugan did call Rachel Esq. as the next bachelorette from the opening scenes of the premier. It appears those premonitions are now being confirmed by TMZ.

The rest of the season will be set on making Rachel appear great. She’ll get cut and be sad, but not too sad to be broken. The date was fun. At a local bar, Nick knew to just order a beer. Rachel hesitated…you know she wanted to order a chardonnay but thought better and ordered a beer. After admitting she never brought home a white guy, Rachel still make Hans comfortable and assured him he had nothing to worry about.

Goodbye KGB DDS. We’ve had enough of Russia lately.