The Bachelor Episode 8: Hometowns

A Bachelor recap combined with a national holiday!?  This calls for whiskey and ice cream.  Okay, every Monday calls for my dream combo, but many of my Mondays are holidays.  Hooray for being a government employee.  Raise your hand if you got President Lincoln's birthday off as a holiday last week.

Also named Tim.

The episode began back in "Bimini."  I still don't believe it's a real place.  Have you ever met anyone that's been there?  I haven't even met anyone that's heard of the place.  Until further notice, the only explanation I will accept for Bimini is that it's an island owned by one of these weirdos.  

After sending KGB DDS, the remaining four women worried about Hans's unpredictability.  Sounds like great husband material.  If I had a nickel for ever time I've heard someone say, "My dream spouse is intelligent, caring, kind, and unpredictable."

All four got roses.  We're off to the hometowns of Ivanka, Rachel Esq., That's So Raven, and Special Ed Vanessa.  

Hometown #1: That's So Raven in Hoxie, Arkanasa

Apparently, Fleiss & Co. are not going to shy away from every southern stereotype I may or may not have: ATVs, country music, jean shorts, swamps, and grain bins (?).  

According to Raven, any time you need to have a serious conversation in Hoxie, you go to a grain bin.  I am beyond baffled.  While on top of the grain bin, a police officer detained them.  He seemed like a fake police officer, but he turned out to be Raven's real brother.  Unfortunately, he did not arrest Hans.  

The date continued with some mudding followed by mud wrestling.  Do they do this stuff in Florida, Dugan!? (On second thought, don't answer that).  It was my second favorite mud wrestling scene I've seen.

You're my boy, Harrison.

Sadly, Raven's dad received a lung cancer diagnosis 1 1/2 years ago.  And now he has to meet Hans.  Hasn't he suffered enough already?  Thankfully, Papa Raven recently received the news that he's cancer-free.  I feel personally happy for Papa Raven, as guys like us (bald acceptors) need to stick together.

At the end of the date, That's So Raven couldn't pull the trigger and say the magic words.

Hometown #2: Rachel Esq. in Dallas

Rachel started off the date by taking Hans to her church.  Hans said his church at home is "a little different."  I wonder if he's talking about race.  

Rachel seems pretty smart.  I wonder who wins in court, Andi Dorfman or Rachel Esq.  

After all the buildup, Rachel's federal appellate court judge father couldn't be on the date because he had work obligations, aka I-will-never-be-on-a-reality-show-i'm-not-judge-judy.  Not only did his seemingly intelligent daughter decide to go on the Bachelor (maybe twice?), but now she went and forever screwed up his previously impeccable wikipedia page.

After a whole bunch of talk about how she's never brought a white guy home and Hans has never met a black person before, Rachel's white brother-in-law was there.  But then he went and said, "I can't help but notice you are a white."  Mrs. Wags thinks he was doing a bad impression of Zach Galifinakis.  I'm not so sure.  

Other than the race-focused conversation, there wasn't too much of note here.  

Hometown #3: Ivanka in Miami 

The date started off with an aerial view of a marina.  From my many experiences in south Florida, this seems to be an accurate portrayal of what Floridians are all about.   And who can blame them?  When I'm in Florida, this is what I'm all about.

Ivanka took Hans to the fancy mall where she knew every retail salesperson by name.  Hans thought this was possibly a good thing.  Once Ivanka bought him a $3,000 outfit, he should know that it's not a good thing.  Dugan, when you go to the Tomas Maier store at that mall, could you please pick me up a pair of these shoes?

In the mall food court, Ivanka told Hans she loves him.  All the high school kids must have been laughing at them.

Hans met her family and her "nanny" Raquel.  Raquel proceeded to serve wine, dinner, do the dishes, and interview Hans.  Nanny = indentured servant.    

Papa Ivanka, let's just call him Donald, was wearing no less than four bracelets.  I can forgive the gold chain, but multiple bracelets?  

Mama Ivanka, let's call her Ivana, told Ivanka to be real and remember it's just fantasy.  WOW.  I didn't expect chardonnay-chugging Ivana to be the voice of reason.  I expected Raquel to be the voice of reason.  

Hometown #4: Special Ed Vanessa in Montreal

Special Ed first took Hans to meet her students.  All of her students are over 21, French or English speaking, and special needs.  I LOVED the women wearing the I Heart Galileo t-shirt.   According to Stephen Hawking, Galileo probably bears more of the responsibility for the birth of modern science than anybody else, and Albert Einstein called him the father of modern science.  So I guess that girl's t-shirt is on point.  

Rachel and Vanessa seem too good for this dope.  But when I pondered that thought out loud, Mrs. Wags astutely pointed out the major character flaw of signing up to be on the show in the first place. 

Special Ed's parents are divorced, so Hans had to meet her parents separately.  Though they were in Canada, her entire family is apparently VERY Italian.  

Special Ed's siblings asked the hard questions of Hans and Special Ed.  Special Ed's mom grabbed her chin and said "look at me. . . look at me," before delivering a serious message.  I told Mrs. Wags that we need to have more conversations where I hold her chin and say, "look at me."  I just practiced on her (interrupting her Pinterest search), and she quickly said she doesn't like people grabbing her chin.  Even after 18 years together, we still have so much to learn about one another.  

The evening continued over at her dad's house.  I am not sure what happened because most of the date was interrupted by a flash flood warning for northern California.  Don't worry about me, I have a great pair of galoshes.  

Special Ed ended the date devastated to find out that Hans asked for permission on other dates.  

Rose Ceremony

There must have been another flood warning, as I did not realize how they ended up in New York.  

Not-so-shocking ending: Andi showed up at his hotel room, said "Hello Nick," and then CUT.  Episode over.  

See you next week, with Dugan leading the way.