The Bachelor Episode 8: Hometowns

A Bachelor recap combined with a national holiday!?  This calls for whiskey and ice cream.  Okay, every Monday calls for my dream combo, but many of my Mondays are holidays.  Hooray for being a government employee.  Raise your hand if you got President Lincoln's birthday off as a holiday last week.

Also named Tim.

The episode began back in "Bimini."  I still don't believe it's a real place.  Have you ever met anyone that's been there?  I haven't even met anyone that's heard of the place.  Until further notice, the only explanation I will accept for Bimini is that it's an island owned by one of these weirdos.  

After sending KGB DDS, the remaining four women worried about Hans's unpredictability.  Sounds like great husband material.  If I had a nickel for ever time I've heard someone say, "My dream spouse is intelligent, caring, kind, and unpredictable."

All four got roses.  We're off to the hometowns of Ivanka, Rachel Esq., That's So Raven, and Special Ed Vanessa.  

Hometown #1: That's So Raven in Hoxie, Arkanasa

Apparently, Fleiss & Co. are not going to shy away from every southern stereotype I may or may not have: ATVs, country music, jean shorts, swamps, and grain bins (?).  

According to Raven, any time you need to have a serious conversation in Hoxie, you go to a grain bin.  I am beyond baffled.  While on top of the grain bin, a police officer detained them.  He seemed like a fake police officer, but he turned out to be Raven's real brother.  Unfortunately, he did not arrest Hans.  

The date continued with some mudding followed by mud wrestling.  Do they do this stuff in Florida, Dugan!? (On second thought, don't answer that).  It was my second favorite mud wrestling scene I've seen.

You're my boy, Harrison.

Sadly, Raven's dad received a lung cancer diagnosis 1 1/2 years ago.  And now he has to meet Hans.  Hasn't he suffered enough already?  Thankfully, Papa Raven recently received the news that he's cancer-free.  I feel personally happy for Papa Raven, as guys like us (bald acceptors) need to stick together.

At the end of the date, That's So Raven couldn't pull the trigger and say the magic words.

Hometown #2: Rachel Esq. in Dallas

Rachel started off the date by taking Hans to her church.  Hans said his church at home is "a little different."  I wonder if he's talking about race.  

Rachel seems pretty smart.  I wonder who wins in court, Andi Dorfman or Rachel Esq.  

After all the buildup, Rachel's federal appellate court judge father couldn't be on the date because he had work obligations, aka I-will-never-be-on-a-reality-show-i'm-not-judge-judy.  Not only did his seemingly intelligent daughter decide to go on the Bachelor (maybe twice?), but now she went and forever screwed up his previously impeccable wikipedia page.

After a whole bunch of talk about how she's never brought a white guy home and Hans has never met a black person before, Rachel's white brother-in-law was there.  But then he went and said, "I can't help but notice you are a white."  Mrs. Wags thinks he was doing a bad impression of Zach Galifinakis.  I'm not so sure.  

Other than the race-focused conversation, there wasn't too much of note here.  

Hometown #3: Ivanka in Miami 

The date started off with an aerial view of a marina.  From my many experiences in south Florida, this seems to be an accurate portrayal of what Floridians are all about.   And who can blame them?  When I'm in Florida, this is what I'm all about.

Ivanka took Hans to the fancy mall where she knew every retail salesperson by name.  Hans thought this was possibly a good thing.  Once Ivanka bought him a $3,000 outfit, he should know that it's not a good thing.  Dugan, when you go to the Tomas Maier store at that mall, could you please pick me up a pair of these shoes?

In the mall food court, Ivanka told Hans she loves him.  All the high school kids must have been laughing at them.

Hans met her family and her "nanny" Raquel.  Raquel proceeded to serve wine, dinner, do the dishes, and interview Hans.  Nanny = indentured servant.    

Papa Ivanka, let's just call him Donald, was wearing no less than four bracelets.  I can forgive the gold chain, but multiple bracelets?  

Mama Ivanka, let's call her Ivana, told Ivanka to be real and remember it's just fantasy.  WOW.  I didn't expect chardonnay-chugging Ivana to be the voice of reason.  I expected Raquel to be the voice of reason.  

Hometown #4: Special Ed Vanessa in Montreal

Special Ed first took Hans to meet her students.  All of her students are over 21, French or English speaking, and special needs.  I LOVED the women wearing the I Heart Galileo t-shirt.   According to Stephen Hawking, Galileo probably bears more of the responsibility for the birth of modern science than anybody else, and Albert Einstein called him the father of modern science.  So I guess that girl's t-shirt is on point.  

Rachel and Vanessa seem too good for this dope.  But when I pondered that thought out loud, Mrs. Wags astutely pointed out the major character flaw of signing up to be on the show in the first place. 

Special Ed's parents are divorced, so Hans had to meet her parents separately.  Though they were in Canada, her entire family is apparently VERY Italian.  

Special Ed's siblings asked the hard questions of Hans and Special Ed.  Special Ed's mom grabbed her chin and said "look at me. . . look at me," before delivering a serious message.  I told Mrs. Wags that we need to have more conversations where I hold her chin and say, "look at me."  I just practiced on her (interrupting her Pinterest search), and she quickly said she doesn't like people grabbing her chin.  Even after 18 years together, we still have so much to learn about one another.  

The evening continued over at her dad's house.  I am not sure what happened because most of the date was interrupted by a flash flood warning for northern California.  Don't worry about me, I have a great pair of galoshes.  

Special Ed ended the date devastated to find out that Hans asked for permission on other dates.  

Rose Ceremony

There must have been another flood warning, as I did not realize how they ended up in New York.  

Not-so-shocking ending: Andi showed up at his hotel room, said "Hello Nick," and then CUT.  Episode over.  

See you next week, with Dugan leading the way.  

The Bachelor Episode 6: Even Later and Maybe Just as Short

Happy Monday faithful readers.  It looks like late posts are just going to be a thing this season.  Look on the bright side: you get to read our musings on the day of the Bachelor.  Today is not just President's Day, but also Bachelor Day.  From this day forward, all Mondays are holidays honoring ABC's American heroes.

Mrs. Wags chose Juan Pablo as her favorite Bachelor of all time.

This week's episode began with a continuation of last week's rose ceremony.  There is no way he's getting rid of Olivia.  Though she is crazy (and not in the "crazy-like-a-fox" sort of way), I think he'll keep her around because she is the prime example of the girl he cannot get in real life.  The best example of this phenomenon is previous Bachelor Ben Flajnik choosing Courtney the model.  

The other women spilled the beans on Olivia.  Olivia smartly played the victim with Ben; she claimed that the other women just don't want to get to know her.  Well played.  

Understandably angry at the other women, Olivia challenges them to "Come at me....bro."  Olivia must be a dumb frat guy reincarnated.  Or maybe she just watches the Jersey Shore.  

Rose Ceremony #1

At the first rose ceremony of the episode, Mom Amanda, Olivia, and Lauren Harbaugh already had roses.  Additional roses went to: 

Software Caila

LB

Trump JoJo

Hugs Becca

Hut Hut Leah

Thing

Goodbye Ft. Lady Jennifer.  It's never a good sign when your first words on the show are about your fear of going home.  

The show then traveled to the Bahamas.  Mrs. Wags and I are confused about the Bahamas.  Are there more than one Bahama?  Is it a collection of islands?  Did the Beach Boys actually take a trip there?  Many questions, not many answers.  

Solo Date #1: Software Caila

Before Caila got the date, the pressure started to get to Hut Hut Leah, having had no solo time with Higgins.  She feels that they just need to have some time together because they are perfect for one another.  They live "10 minutes apart."  Little does Hut Hut understand that this is actually a disadvantage.  Bachelors DON'T WANT A LOCAL GIRL.  (See Flajnik, Ben.)   Hut Hut believes the "universe brought them together."  If anything, two black holes colliding brought Hut Hut and Ben together.  (I would not have been able to make that joke if I had written this post on time.)  

Software Caila's date with Software Ben was deep sea fishing.  The Softwares filled the date with terrible conversation.  It is a good thing the show is not transcribed.  They could never make it in Dugan and my world.

On the evening portion of the date, Ben said he needs Caila to cry. Uh, what?  Caila said she cannot cry (emotionally empty), but she did tell Ben she is falling in love with him (emotionally advanced), but she's also worried that she might hurt him.  Somehow, this series of tacks seemed to work with Ben.  Caila describes herself as being "confusing," yet all she wants is "to be understood."  

Like I said, it's a good thing this was not transcribed.

Caila got a rose because she's "authentic."  I think "coy" was the word he was looking for.  

Group Date: LB, Hugs Becca, Mom Amanda, JoJo Trump, Lauren Harbaugh, and Hut Hut Leah

The group date started with a boat ride.  I guess that's what you do when your in one of the Bahamas (or the only Bahama?).  

Hugs Becca delivered my QOTN: "You know what's unpredictable?  Sharks."  

Alas, there were no sharks, but there was an uninhabited island with SWIMMING PIGS.  I now know where I want to go on vacation.  

Watch your step.  

Mrs. Wags noticed that Strauss's "The Blue Danube Waltz" was playing in the background.  She described this as "awesome."  I describe this as, "I married up." 

JoJo Trump, showing off her Kardashian side, noted that "there are pigs everywhere."

This was the least impressive quote of the night.  

There was never any explanation for why there were swimming pigs in the water or who takes care of them.  Who knew pigs could even swim?  This is more confusing than Caila and the total number of Bahamas.  

Ben and the ladies fed hot dogs to the pigs.  That's messed up.  

On the date, Hut Hut again felt angry about not having any time with Ben.  She decided the best way to get noticed was to throw one of the other contestants under the bus.  Presumably, Olivia would be the easy target.  But Hut Hut isn't interested in easy targets.  She wants the biggest pig in the sea, so she chose to go after LB, the favorite at this point. 

When confronted by LB hours later, Hut Hut said "she would never be the type of person to single someone out."  Does Hut Hut not remember that there are video cameras recording this show?!  You can't tell lies like this.  I'm excited for The Women Tell All now.  

Mom Amanda got the date rose.  

Later that night, Hut Hut went to Ben's hotel room to continue on with her LB lie.  Ben saw right through it (or maybe Fleiss and Co. tipped him off?) and sent Hut Hut home.  

Two-on-One Date: Olivia and Thing

Mrs. Wags described this as a date pitting 400 CCs vs. 500 CCs.  Two girls that got implants for their high school graduation.  Mrs. Wags is really on fire tonight.  

The date started with a poem on the date card: "Two women.  One rose.  One stays.  One goes."  This is also what Ben's tattoo says.  

Olivia is going off the deep end.  "We've been writing our beautiful love story the whole time."  I can't tell if she is doing a bad job trying out to be the next Bachelorette or is doing a bad job wooing Ben.  Either way, she's doing a bad job.

Olivia, the quote machine, then said, "Deep intellectual things are my jam."  This was a close second-place finisher for QOTN.

The date was a boat ride (of course) to another island.  I'm starting to think "Bahamas" is intentionally pluralized.  

There was a torrential storm brewing as the three of them sat on the beach.  Each lady took turns giving speeches to Ben.  Maybe Hillary would do well on the Bachelor.

In the rainstorm, Ben seemed rather concerned about his hair.  For a few weeks now, I have been noticing Ben's purposefully and carefully combed forward hair, like he has something to hide.  I think there's a good chance that Ben is a bald denier.  He has the beginning of some power alleys in the front.  

Olivia couldn't hold back her crazy, and Ben sent her home, cold and wet.  Thing got the rose, but she was clearly more excited about sending Olivia packing.  

Rose Ceremony #2

Hugs Becca again dropped a great line, "It's almost like the weather has predicted this whole week."  

JoJo Trump needed to talk to Ben about something, but Ben cancelled the cocktail party.  She's either divorced, has a boyfriend, or has a kid.  My money is on divorce.  

Joining Mom Amanda, Software Caila, and Thing with roses were:

Hugs Becca

Trump

LB

Goodbye Lauren Harbaugh.  You were very nice, but exactly the kind of girl Ben can get back home in Warsaw.  

Until next week (i.e. tonight) when Dugan chronicles all the women professing their love.