The Bachelor Episode 6: Turnips and Lipstick

So, did you miss us?  Dugan and I have been very busy lately so we decided to only blog on time for our paid subscribers.  And since we have zero paid subscribers, we do what we want.

By the way, we have almost 100,000 blog views.

Last week's episode was about as interesting as a calculus class, so you didn't miss much.  My ice cream is finished, so let's start the recap:

After the 2-on-1 date with Ivanka and Potty Mouth Taylor, Hans sent the Potty Mouth home.  Potty wouldn't take no rose for an answer, so she showed up at the evening portion of Ivanka's date to reveal the truth about Ivanka.  Potty figured that the only reason she got sent home was Ivanka's lying.  I wish Hans had said, "I just don't think you're very good looking."  Unfortunately, not all dreams come true.  

Dreams come true.

...and sometimes they don't.

Upon "winning" the 2-on-1, Ivanka provided a quote I will not use at work, "Cats have nine lives, and bitches have two."   

Speaking of Ivanka, tough week for her shoes.  

Rose Ceremony

Joining Ivanka, Rachel Esq., and Cheesehead Danielle with roses was:

KGB Christina

That's So Raven

Special Ed Vanessa

BO Danielle

Warriors Jasmine

Pilates Whitney

Goodbye to Flipper Alexis (sad), Baby Erica Rose Josephine (not so sad), and Jaime (doesn't like) Balls (no one cares).

The crew continued their journey for love in St. Thomas.  You know what that means, right?  It means cut-off jean shorts with exposed pockets!!!  So predictable.  

1-on-1: KGB Christina

KGB was very excited to get the date and take her first trip on a sea plane.  Hard to land an ice plane in Putin's icy Russia.

Back in Russia, KGB has a sister that she "thinks" is 27.  According to KGB, they don't talk often.  Shocking. 

In the evening portion of the date, Hans said he wanted to know more about her.  She's from Russia.  She had no food.  She once ate lipstick because she had no food.  Her mom kicked her out of the house when she was 5 possibly because she ate the lipstick.  She went to a Russian orphanage.  

I found a picture of her orphanage.  

At 12, an American family adopted her.  Apparently, eating lipstick was worth it because she got the date rose. 

Group Date: Rachel Esq., That's So Raven, Special Ed, Ivanka, Cheesehead, and Warrior

If the Bachelor is any indication, St. Thomas is FILLED with steel drums.  And when I think of steel drums, I can think of only one thing:

The group date started with corn hole and volleyball.  I'll take the sea plane.

During the volleyball game, So Raven delivered some great lines.  "I'm sure [Ivanka] would be a great volleyball player...if she wasn't so drunk." Also, "If Jasmine was a vegetable, she'd be a turnip because she's turnt all the way up."   

In the evening portion of the date, all of the women wanted "validation," especially Warrior Jasmine. "Why'd you bring me to St. Thomas?  I've been to St. Thomas.  I don't need to be here," said Warrior. At least she got to go to Waukesha, a place she surely had never been before.  When she finally got some private time, she figuratively said she wanted to choke Hans, but then she went on to say that she literally wanted to choke him in a sexual way.  Less than 30 TV seconds later, Hans said no thank you and sent Warrior home.  

2-on-1: Pilates Whitney and BO Danielle

This is the type of date a wish I could bet real money on.  I'd bet $500 that BO is getting the rose.  But I probably wouldn't get a good odds.  

Before I could even finish thinking about how much money I would bet, Hans unceremoniously sent Pilates home.  He must be more of a BAR method guy.  

In the evening portion of the date, Hans decided that he couldn't handle BO Danielle either.  I'm not sure what this means for this fake bet I spent all this time thinking about.  Anyway, all of us are winners because BO's personality left much to be desired.  

Until next week, when Hans keeps cutting...

***Was Chris Harrison even on this episode one time!?***

The Bachelor Episode 6: Even Later and Maybe Just as Short

Happy Monday faithful readers.  It looks like late posts are just going to be a thing this season.  Look on the bright side: you get to read our musings on the day of the Bachelor.  Today is not just President's Day, but also Bachelor Day.  From this day forward, all Mondays are holidays honoring ABC's American heroes.

Mrs. Wags chose Juan Pablo as her favorite Bachelor of all time.

This week's episode began with a continuation of last week's rose ceremony.  There is no way he's getting rid of Olivia.  Though she is crazy (and not in the "crazy-like-a-fox" sort of way), I think he'll keep her around because she is the prime example of the girl he cannot get in real life.  The best example of this phenomenon is previous Bachelor Ben Flajnik choosing Courtney the model.  

The other women spilled the beans on Olivia.  Olivia smartly played the victim with Ben; she claimed that the other women just don't want to get to know her.  Well played.  

Understandably angry at the other women, Olivia challenges them to "Come at me....bro."  Olivia must be a dumb frat guy reincarnated.  Or maybe she just watches the Jersey Shore.  

Rose Ceremony #1

At the first rose ceremony of the episode, Mom Amanda, Olivia, and Lauren Harbaugh already had roses.  Additional roses went to: 

Software Caila

LB

Trump JoJo

Hugs Becca

Hut Hut Leah

Thing

Goodbye Ft. Lady Jennifer.  It's never a good sign when your first words on the show are about your fear of going home.  

The show then traveled to the Bahamas.  Mrs. Wags and I are confused about the Bahamas.  Are there more than one Bahama?  Is it a collection of islands?  Did the Beach Boys actually take a trip there?  Many questions, not many answers.  

Solo Date #1: Software Caila

Before Caila got the date, the pressure started to get to Hut Hut Leah, having had no solo time with Higgins.  She feels that they just need to have some time together because they are perfect for one another.  They live "10 minutes apart."  Little does Hut Hut understand that this is actually a disadvantage.  Bachelors DON'T WANT A LOCAL GIRL.  (See Flajnik, Ben.)   Hut Hut believes the "universe brought them together."  If anything, two black holes colliding brought Hut Hut and Ben together.  (I would not have been able to make that joke if I had written this post on time.)  

Software Caila's date with Software Ben was deep sea fishing.  The Softwares filled the date with terrible conversation.  It is a good thing the show is not transcribed.  They could never make it in Dugan and my world.

On the evening portion of the date, Ben said he needs Caila to cry. Uh, what?  Caila said she cannot cry (emotionally empty), but she did tell Ben she is falling in love with him (emotionally advanced), but she's also worried that she might hurt him.  Somehow, this series of tacks seemed to work with Ben.  Caila describes herself as being "confusing," yet all she wants is "to be understood."  

Like I said, it's a good thing this was not transcribed.

Caila got a rose because she's "authentic."  I think "coy" was the word he was looking for.  

Group Date: LB, Hugs Becca, Mom Amanda, JoJo Trump, Lauren Harbaugh, and Hut Hut Leah

The group date started with a boat ride.  I guess that's what you do when your in one of the Bahamas (or the only Bahama?).  

Hugs Becca delivered my QOTN: "You know what's unpredictable?  Sharks."  

Alas, there were no sharks, but there was an uninhabited island with SWIMMING PIGS.  I now know where I want to go on vacation.  

Watch your step.  

Mrs. Wags noticed that Strauss's "The Blue Danube Waltz" was playing in the background.  She described this as "awesome."  I describe this as, "I married up." 

JoJo Trump, showing off her Kardashian side, noted that "there are pigs everywhere."

This was the least impressive quote of the night.  

There was never any explanation for why there were swimming pigs in the water or who takes care of them.  Who knew pigs could even swim?  This is more confusing than Caila and the total number of Bahamas.  

Ben and the ladies fed hot dogs to the pigs.  That's messed up.  

On the date, Hut Hut again felt angry about not having any time with Ben.  She decided the best way to get noticed was to throw one of the other contestants under the bus.  Presumably, Olivia would be the easy target.  But Hut Hut isn't interested in easy targets.  She wants the biggest pig in the sea, so she chose to go after LB, the favorite at this point. 

When confronted by LB hours later, Hut Hut said "she would never be the type of person to single someone out."  Does Hut Hut not remember that there are video cameras recording this show?!  You can't tell lies like this.  I'm excited for The Women Tell All now.  

Mom Amanda got the date rose.  

Later that night, Hut Hut went to Ben's hotel room to continue on with her LB lie.  Ben saw right through it (or maybe Fleiss and Co. tipped him off?) and sent Hut Hut home.  

Two-on-One Date: Olivia and Thing

Mrs. Wags described this as a date pitting 400 CCs vs. 500 CCs.  Two girls that got implants for their high school graduation.  Mrs. Wags is really on fire tonight.  

The date started with a poem on the date card: "Two women.  One rose.  One stays.  One goes."  This is also what Ben's tattoo says.  

Olivia is going off the deep end.  "We've been writing our beautiful love story the whole time."  I can't tell if she is doing a bad job trying out to be the next Bachelorette or is doing a bad job wooing Ben.  Either way, she's doing a bad job.

Olivia, the quote machine, then said, "Deep intellectual things are my jam."  This was a close second-place finisher for QOTN.

The date was a boat ride (of course) to another island.  I'm starting to think "Bahamas" is intentionally pluralized.  

There was a torrential storm brewing as the three of them sat on the beach.  Each lady took turns giving speeches to Ben.  Maybe Hillary would do well on the Bachelor.

In the rainstorm, Ben seemed rather concerned about his hair.  For a few weeks now, I have been noticing Ben's purposefully and carefully combed forward hair, like he has something to hide.  I think there's a good chance that Ben is a bald denier.  He has the beginning of some power alleys in the front.  

Olivia couldn't hold back her crazy, and Ben sent her home, cold and wet.  Thing got the rose, but she was clearly more excited about sending Olivia packing.  

Rose Ceremony #2

Hugs Becca again dropped a great line, "It's almost like the weather has predicted this whole week."  

JoJo Trump needed to talk to Ben about something, but Ben cancelled the cocktail party.  She's either divorced, has a boyfriend, or has a kid.  My money is on divorce.  

Joining Mom Amanda, Software Caila, and Thing with roses were:

Hugs Becca

Trump

LB

Goodbye Lauren Harbaugh.  You were very nice, but exactly the kind of girl Ben can get back home in Warsaw.  

Until next week (i.e. tonight) when Dugan chronicles all the women professing their love.  

The Bachelorette: Doublemint Edition, Hour Three

So last night I was very excited to watch the two hour premiere of the Bachelorette, thinking it would be the only episode until next week.  I had my once-a-week whiskey and ice cream.  Much to my excitement (and horror), I get to celebrate tonight with an additional hour of the Bachelorette.  It's double the bachelorettes and double the desserts.  I guess it's technically 50% more Bachelorette and 100% more desserts.  (Unrelated side note: Mrs. Wags does not seem pleased that we are turning off the Pitch Perfect marathon to watch more Bachelorette).  (Related side note: Have I ever admitted on the blog that I pretty much force Mrs. Wags to watch the Bachelorette?).

Enough about me, let's figure out who our Bachelorette is going to be.

The show resumed at the cocktail party.   With fifty five minutes left in the episode, Harrison revealed to Britt that the guys saw a future with Kaitlyn and not with her.  Britt got in the stretch limo (excessive for one person?) and cried (shocker).

Extra leg space for Britt's tears

Harrison told Kaitlyn that she won.  I feel like America also won.  I take that back.  She's Canadian, so North America won.

Sorry Greenland

Welder Joshua gave Kaitlyn a steel rose.  She loved that he built it because it said, "I'm a man!"  Kaitlyn is going to be a fun Bachelorette. 

The guys started scrambling for the first impression rose.  It seems like a really diverse crowd of guys, with a startling number of fitness trainers.  

Tony The Dude was not as excited because he was in the "hardcore Britt" camp.  He said he was confused.  I think he might be confused because he has a residual concussion from that black eye.  

Chris Quinn Jared admitted that he voted for Britt.  

Federal Prisoner JJ said he was 1000% in for Kaitlyn.  Expressing a percentage above 100% is a pet peeve of mine.  Earlier he said that he was 1000% in for Britt.  Apparently his tendency to lie did not get rehabilitated in prison.

Federal prison is the best

Dr. Chris Harris, DDS got the first kiss.  I'll bet he has good breath because he always uses mouthwash and flosses, as required by himself.

Ugly Gosling one-upped DDS Harris by getting the first impression rose and two kisses.  Mrs. Wags thinks they should just end the season now and give the final rose to Ugly Gosling.  

The rose ceremony followed shortly after, proving this show really could be just one hour per week.

Rose Receivers in addition to Ugly Gosling

DDS Chris Harris
Ben H.
Federal Prisoner JJ
American Pharaoh Joe
King Koopa
Daniel
Welder Joshua
The Dude Tony

At this point, Singer Brady pulled Britt aside and interrupted the rose ceremony.  There are no rules on this show.  Why doesn't every dude just do whatever they want?  Dugan, how about we write a strategy guide for how to succeed on this show?  (We'll discuss offline).



Forget what I just wrote.  Singer Brady left the show because he liked Britt more.  Though I do not respect his minor league baseball career or singing career, I have to respect his exit.

Back to the roses:

Clint aka Thor
40 year old Corey (Kaitlyn used his full name when she called him up.  I cannot remember this ever happening)
Jonathan
Other Cory (She used his full last name.  I only remember this happening one other time in Bachelor history)
Ben C. (no full last name.  I do not know what to think anymore)
Tanner Dog
HitnRun Ian
Justin
Chris Quinn Jared (Usually the last rose is the Fleiss & Co. producer pick.  I think our man Chris Quinn is going to provide some crazy this season)

Early exits went to:

The Amateur Sex Coach (DAMMIT)
David
Bradley
Magic Josh (Goodbye to our first good nickname)

Overall, I am fairly pleased with the direction this season is going.

Until next week...

The Bachelorette Episode 8: Hometowns

So Mrs. Wags and I just returned from a European vacation, and I'm writing a day late with no ice cream.  I panicked and asked Mrs. Wags what I would have with my whiskey.  She replied that I could have part of an Aero bar and/or some digestive biscuits that we brought back from Ireland.  This just is not going to cut it.  After Dugan's ultra-patriotic post from last week, I feel that my Euro-candy and Euro-biscuits are an embarrassment to this blog.  And I apologize.

I can't quit you

On to the show.  We are at that point with four guys left and a marriage proposal could be on the way in a couple short weeks.  It feels like anyone could win, but no one should.  This is definitely the beauty (and horror) of this show.

Hans in Milwaukee

Somehow, I did not realize that Hans (Nick) lives in Milwaukee.  I assumed he lived in some ice castle.  (That was my best attempt at a Frozen reference.  Still haven't seen the movie.  Sorry Dugan).  

Hans wore a scarf on the date that looked suspiciously like Andi's scarf.  I guess Hans knew the blog post was going to start with a Euro theme.  

Hans brought Andi on a beer brewery tour.  I was really hoping they would go to one of Milwaukee's best breweries.  He would be a beast is he brought her there (see where I'm going with this?).  

It's premium

They eventually arrived Hans's parents' home.  His parents have apparently spent the past two decades having kids.  

The Hans Family

Hans had a heart-to-heart with one of his sisters in the basement of the house.  It had a finished basement.  Having spent some time in the midwest and watched many episodes of House Hunters, I know that finished basements are a big deal.  It also had an electric dartboard.  I got a little weepy remembering the home of my favorite electric dartboard:

5,356 games played, $0 spent

Hans talks like he's wearing a retainer.  I probably shouldn't throw stones in glass houses since I have had various retainer devices over the years, but this guy's voice bugs.

Hans riddle: How does his mom look like she could be his older sister and his younger sister look like  she could be his daughter?  Answer: He's his uncle and his brother.

The date ended.  They kissed.  You get the picture.  Hans is a lock for the final three.

John Deere in Iowa

John Deere explained that Arlington, Iowa has a population of 758, but it's 759 today because Andi is here.  Someone needs to explain to Deere how population counts work.  Remind the US Government not to hire JD as a census worker.

At JD's house, Andi asked if his backyard is "the farmland."  This relationship is not going to work out.  

JD then took Andi for a ride on his JOHN DEERE tractor (how apropos).  This relationship is not going to work out.  

JD noted that he's broken the mold because he's a farmer on the Bachelorette.  Andi said that she could live on a farm because "her family has a lake house in the middle of nowhere."  (early favorite for quote of the night). I think he's broken the mold because he's the first farmer in Iowa with a faux-hawk.  

When asked what she would do in Iowa, Deere responded that she could be a homemaker.  

This is not going to work out

John Deere's mom, Mrs. Deere, told Andi that living on a farm takes gumption. This relationship is not going to work out.  

After a quick game of Sardines, Andi left.  The date seemed to go well.  I'll be shocked if he makes it another round.

Josh Griffey Jr. in Tampa

Let me start by saying I cannot stand this guy.  I roll my eyes at every word he says.  His face bugs me.  His voice bugs me.  This is going to be difficult.  

Josh is a former baseball player (in case you forgot), so of course he took Andi to a baseball field.  In case you were wondering if he was good, he was not.  In case you were wondering if he ever played in the majors, he did not.  But once again, I only played JV baseball in high school, so maybe I should pipe down:

Josh's brother is Aaron Murray, former star quarterback at Georgia and now in the NFL with the Kansas City Chiefs.  Looks like Andi got the wrong brother.  Here's Aaron.

Rich

Josh's mom says that Josh is "very sincere."  That's the last word I would use to describe Josh.  I take that back.  It's the second-to-last word I would use.  "Intelligent" is #1.  

The family went to the backyard and played some pickup football.  I was hoping Aaron throw one off of Josh's forehead, but not all dreams come true (e.g. Josh's MLB dream...that's mean....I take that back....no I don't).

The date ended.  As all hometown dates must.

Marcus Gosling in Dallas

Gosling drove Andi to a penthouse suite in his Benz and then stripped for Andi in a sailor outfit.  Andi seemed to be having flash-fowards to the fantasy suite, describing Gosling as "the hottest guy she's ever dated."  This is one of those moments that would be hard to watch if one of the other three guy's win it all.  

Mrs. Wags just asked me, "who is this guy?"  When people ask me if Mrs. Wags makes me watch the show, I quickly reply, "I make her watch the show."  This moment was undeniable proof that I am not lying.  

Andi met Gosling's mom, siblings, and nieces.  Gosling's dad left when they were kids, forcing Gosling's older brother into a father-figure role.  In one of the more genuine moments in Bachelor history, Gosling tearfully thanked his older brother for being there for him during the hard times.  It seemed like a nice moment for them.  

On the other hand, it doesn't really seem like Gosling had as many nice moments with Andi during his hometown.  I think he may be on the chopping block. 

Chris Harrison' Home

For the first time ever, we got to see the inside of Chris Harrison's home.  Hopefully this is foreshadowing next season on the Bachelor when 25 lucky ladies vie for Chris Harrison's love.  

Andi and the four guys were brought there to hear that Dora died in a paragliding accident.  There were lots of tears.  It was too serious, and thus, unbloggable.

Rose Ceremony

The tears continued into the rose ceremony, but the show must go on.

Getting their rose tickets to the fantasy suite were Josh Griffey Jr., John Deere, and Hans.

Marcus Gosling went home.  Not too surprising.  

Until next week, when Dugan makes all your fantasies come true.  

The Bachelor Episode 2: Juan Love

Juan for the money...

And two for Pablo!

Per tradition, I will be recapping while drinking whisky and eating ice cream.  Loyal readers may recognize this frequent combo and think to themselves, "Geez, it seems like you have a problem."  I don't think it is, but I do have a problem I need to confess: I listened to three Bachelor-related podcasts this week.  Yes, it's Monday.  That means I listened to three Bachelor-related podcasts today.      I'll start therapy after Juan Pablo finds the love of his life.

On to the recap...

The episode started off with the Dog Owner's dog still at the house going for a swim.  It's now clear that it is a service dog.  Legally, we may not ask any further questions about it.

First Solo Date: Vidal Sassoon

If you recall from last week, Vidal Sassoon has a DVD that her deceased father made to play for her future husband.  I'm a little scared, yet also a little hopeful, that she plays it for him on their first date.

Vidal really likes the way JP smells, comparing him to "heaven in a bottle."  I thought she could come up with something better considering how many actual fragrant bottles she works around.

J. Pablo planned a Los Angeles winter wonderland.  They sledded, played in some artificially snowy trees, and ice skated.  I just kept waiting for some washed up one-hit wonder band to show up so they could slow dance on ice skates.  But, alas, it never happened.  Would have been pretty big time if Fleiss and Co. had come up with THAT.  (Hire me ABC).

After revealing that her dad passed away, Vidal got a rose and a makeout sesh.  Vidal said JP tastes like "snow."  I'm starting to question her sense of smell.

I spoke too soon!  There was live music at the tail end of the date.


Back at the House

Free Spirit made a strong statement to the other women by going to in the hot tub topless.  If you call yourself a free spirit, toplessness is mandatory.

Second Solo Date: Kat

John Paul took Kat to a private jet. Kat said she is "having visions of jetsetting with her Latin lover."  Kat, I have bad news for you: JP collects autographed baseball bats to send to Venezuela.   I asked Jeeves what the yearly salary is for that job.  He answered:

The plane took them to an electric fun run (not sure what's fun about running at night wearing neon while high on ecstasy).  Brother Wags made a great point that it looked like they took a trip down rainbow road from Mario Kart.

They danced the whole "race," got on stage, and then Juan gave her a rose.   It was definitely the fewest number of words uttered on a date that ended with a rose.

Group Date: Science Chelsie, Kristy, Service Animal Kelly, 8 Mile Cassandra, Abbie Carmichael, Mama Renee, Mozart Lauren, Nanny Alli, Chantel, Nurse Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Happy Camper (I had to rewind five times to get these names down)

The date took them to a garage for a Bachelor photo shoot for charity.  That's the only kind of acceptable Bachelor photo shoot.  Somehow, they found a charity that pairs models with rescue dogs to save the dogs in the pound.  It's really lucky for Fleiss and Co. that a charity that features bikinis exists.

Service Animal Kelly got made up like an alien.  More specifically, an alien from a racist planet that wears black face.  Alf would not stand for this.

Abbie Carmichael and Teacher Elise were chosen for the nude photo shoot.  I can just imagine Fleiss and Co. in the production room.  Who should we force to go nude?  The free spirit that has already been naked twice this episode?  Nah.  How about the DA and the grade school teacher?!  Fleiss and Co. . . . ruining careers one episode at a time.

The organizer of the event assured the nude models that it's okay because it's a charity for the dogs.  Advice: never trust a guy who looks like he's from the Capital in the Hunger Games.

The date continued into the evening with rooftop drinks.  Former NBA Dancer/Current Makeup Artist Cassandra revealed that she has a two year old son.  As required, Juan Pablo said that is really great.

Shooting Star Victoria got wasted on the roof top.  I'm really sorry she's going to flame out and lose.  She's great.  She wants to "straddle Juan Pablo every day."*

* I use quotes there because she actually said that.

Mrs. Wags made the great call that she is a real life version of this SNL character:



Whisky update:  I'm finished.
Ice Cream update:  Finished a long time ago.

Let's get back to business.  All real Shooting Star Victoria quotes:
"Juan Pablo is my boyfriend."
"Today I gave him the hymen [sic] maneuver.  I saved his life."
"If you give someone the hymen maneuver, you're going to have to straddle them."
"Who's leg do I have to hump around here to get some one-on-one time?"

The Shooting Star went to a bathroom stall and started to lose her mind.  A Bachelor Superfan out of San Mateo (identity protected so he doesn't lose his job) pointed out that the under the bathroom stall camera angle is clearly an "homage to Citizen Kane."  If I had any whisky left, I might have laughed so hard that it would come out of my nose.

Shockingly, Service Animal Kelly got the date rose.

The next morning, JP confronted the Shooting Star about her behavior.  She said that she had fun on the date until her "bathroom issue."  She apologized, but it was not good enough.  JP sent her home because she can't be around Ricki.  I mean Ty.  Oh, of course, it's Camila.   Victoria lived her Bachelor life like a candle in the wind.  She'll be missed.

Rose Ceremony

Amy Local did a mock local news interview with JP.  It felt very local.  Like, she might even be an intern.

Pavarotti apologized for not being more excited about the first impression rose last week.  She seems like she has a PhD while the rest of the women have GEDs.  Good news for the rest of the women: Juan Pablo also has a GED.

8 Mile Cassandra was very sad about being away from her son.  Juan Pablo convinced her to stay.  He must want to get all the autographs from the NBA teams she danced for.

Joining Vidal, Kat, and Service Animal with roses are:
8 Mile
Nurse Nikki
Abbie Carmichael
Teacher Elise
Pavarotti (Will you accept this rose?  "Sure" - - - yikes)
Mama Renee
Psych Nurse Danielle
Happy Camper
Alison
Science Chelsie
Mozart Lauren
Christie

Goodbye Amy Local and Chantel.

Until next week, with way more making out.  

The Bachelorette Episode 8: Say Yes to the Des

It's Monday night!  You know what time it is.  It's time for whiskey and ice cream.  While I have the usual simple whiskey cocktail, I also am eating Mrs. Wags' homemade peach ice cream.  When I say ICE, you say CREAM.  ICE....CREAM.   ICE....CREAM.  I can almost hear you at home, I'm so excited.

Okay sugar.  Let's start the episode.  It's hometown date week.  We're back in the United States after a worldwide (i.e. Germany, Spain, Portugal) tour.

Dallas with Shirtless Zak

Shirtless Zak started his date with...a shirt.  How disappointing.  He has a reputation, and nickname, to live up to.  At least he looked as orange as usual.

Zak apparently dropped acid before his date.  He told Des about a dream where he and Des were on the beach.  They melted into the sand.  Then it started snowing.

Zak is the color of much of Dali's paint

The LSDream turned out to foreshadow Zak's family business: sno-cones.  Zak then put on a penguin costume to advertise the sno-cone truck.

I just re-read those last three paragraphs.  Am I on drugs?  Did Mrs. Wags spike my ice cream?  Is this real life?

The date continued with dinner at Zak's family's house (all wearing shirts...but who knows what the dessert course might hold?).  Zak's family was unexpectedly normal.  They sang a song together and all sounded like they could be on The Voice.   I guess they're just a very talented family.

Zak ended the date by giving Des a promise ring and saying he loved her.  Though Zak probably does not stand a chance of winning this thing, he made a strong push for next-Bachelor on this episode.

Scottsdale with Drew Who

Drew is taking Des to his Mom's house.  It will be the first time his Dad has ever been there.  Is this the proper venue for this kind of family reunion?

(Interesting sidenote: Mrs. Wags just asked me, "What's this guy's name?"  Yes, it's Drew Who?)

Drew took Des to meet his severely disabled sister.  This is intense.  I'm impressed with how well Des handled it, especially when his sister flipped Des's hair.  I thought a fight was about to break out.

At the family house, Drew's Dad asked if Des believes in angels.  "Yes," she quickly replied.  Well have you ever met one?  "Uh...I haven't."  You have met an angel now.  Drew's disabled sister.  Once again, well handled by Des.  That was not an easy line of questioning.

Drew's father's name is Malachi.  I can't decide if I think that's a really badass name or if I'm a little scared of it.

The date ended with Drew looking like he could win it all (even though I'm still not convinced that women are right for Drew).

Oregon with Chris

The third date was with Chris, the only remaining guy without a nickname.  If our past experiences on this blog are any indication, you have no chance of winning the Bachelor(ette) unless we've given you a nickname.

Chris took Des to a baseball field.  Des proved to be pretty decent, backing up her outdoorsy/athletic image that Fleiss and Co. have been pushing on us since day one.

Don't call her, maybe.  

But feel free to call her, Maeby.

At the dinner with Chris's family, Dr. Chris's Dad, a chiropractor, took Des to his home office and adjusted her back.  I loved that he had to put on his white doctor's coat and name tag to do some home procedures.  He's a consummate professional.

After treating Des, Chris stepped up to the plate (see what I did there?). Dr. Chris's Dad gave him a nose adjustment by shoving an air pump up his nose.  This date is turning into a terrible advertisement for chiropractors.

While Des conversed with Chris's weird Mom, Chris's siblings told him how much they disliked his ex-girlfriend.

The date ended poemless.  Chris does not seem like he's going to win it all.

Salt Lake City with Hockey Hair Brooks

Brooks started off the date by letting the audience know that he's "not sure how he feels about Des."

They started by taking out a row boat. Snooze.  There's nothing interesting about rowing.  Trust me on this one.

Brooks then took Des to meet his giant family.  All twenty of them wore name tags.  How very polite.

Brooks's brothers(?) then asked him a bunch of romantic, yet tough questions about whether he actually loves Des.  He did not actually answer any of the questions.  Brooks really seems to be struggling with this process.

Back in LA with Nate

Nasty Nate is Des's brother.  He's a royal jerk that got her kicked off the show last year.  If you just started watching the show this season, shame on you.  Read Dugan's take on Nate from last season.

Des revealed that she hasn't seen Nate since last season.  That sounds complicated.

The best part about Nate, other than his hand tattoos, is that he calls a spade a spade.  Or in this case, he calls a ridiculous reality show ridiculous.  Nate is too real for Fleiss and Co.

Rose Ceremony

Hockey Hair Brooks takes rose #1.  Chris (what!?) takes rose #2.  The final rose went to Drew Who.

Shirtless Zak is headed home.  I'm actually a little sad.  Not like I'm fully-crying sad, but more like tickle-in-the-back-of-my-throat sad.  I just don't want my last memory of Zak to be in a penguin outfit.  That's why I'll leave you with this:

Gone, and probably forgotten.

Until next week, when the men tell all.

The Bachelorette Hometown Episode: Emily's Race to Love

Who needs the Olympic Trials!?  I only watch if you can win a gold.  And tonight, Emily gets one step closer to the gold.

From Left to Right: Bob Costas, Ryan Lochte, Michael Phelps, Nastia Liukin, and SLC Jef (nobody could legitimately mistake him for an athlete).  Not pictured: Bobblehead Chris (there's no chance he medals).

After a quick trip around the globe, well, Western Europe, Emily's race to love returned to the United States.  And also Utah.

Before hometown dates, Emily recapped the guys and their good qualities.

1) Bobblehead Chris: knows how to admit when he's wrong
2) SLC Jef: adventurous, good husband and father
3) Indy Arie: good kisser, fun, romantic
4) Sean: good heart, gentlemen, perfect life

Did I mention Bobblehead has no chance?

Chicago with Bobblehead Chris


Chris started off the date by revealing a big secret.  He's actually the only minority on the show.  He's "first generation Polish-American."  On a scale of "one to Polish," he's Polish (Chris's joke, not mine).  It appears that the lawsuit against ABC might be in trouble as long as Chris is around.

Emily and Chris went to a Polish bar and rehashed the last rose ceremony. Chris apologized again.  Emily repeated that Chris would be a great husband because he knows how to admit his wrongs.  Emily's future husband: a very apologetic baby maker.

Chris's dad was pretty awesome.  A thick Polish accent.  The top two buttons of his shirt undone.  An intense gold chain.  He kind of seemed like governor-of-California material.

Chris's sister Renee asked Emily to let him go if Chris is not the one.  I would be scared of her if I were Emily.  Did it seem a bit like Renee was doing her best to copy Emily's physical appearance?

Bobblehead Renee doing her best Emily impersonation.

At the end of the date, Chris kept saying he's in love with Emily.  This process is not going to end well for him.

Utah with SLC Jef


Predictably, Jef's family lives on a ranch.  A ranch would provide lots of privacy (read: cover) from government officials trying to crack down on his family's religious freedom.

SLC Jef took Emily out shooting at clay pigeons.  Emily pulled a Sante Fe switch and did not tell Jef that she's a semi-professional marksman.  Maybe these two have more in common that we thought.

Or maybe they don't.  Jef introduced Emily to about half of his family:

Have you ever hung out with one of those people that always kind of seems like they are quoting the bible?  That's Jef's brother Steve.

I was too busy researching the fundamentalist Mormon Church, and I missed where Jef's parents were? Could someone please enlighten me in the comment section.

Jef is looking more and more like Alby Grant.

Phoenix with Indy Arie


This date predictably started on a racetrack.  Emily did not take Jef up on his offer to bring one of the guns with her and shoot Arie in the leg.

Arie expressed concern that his parents are very European.  What's the big deal?  Europeans are just like us.

Photo courtesy of Dugan

Arie's mom looked like a cross between Elizabeth Banks and Frau Farbissina from Austin Powers.  Her name is Mieke.  Paging Stieg Larsson.  

Arie's family is obviously very wealthy.  Has the contestant from the wealthy family ever won?  There's at least one every year, and if memory serves, I don't think they usually fare well.   I'm going to have to scour the Bachelor archives on Netflix. 

I guess the date is over.  Somewhat uneventful overall.

Dallas with Sean

Sean has a big secret.  Fleiss and Co. have been teasing us the whole episode.  Will his "secret" make bigger headlines than Anderson Cooper's announcement today?  We'll know in a few short minutes.  

Emily met Sean's family.  He has a niece named Kensington and a nephew named Smith.  Where are we going as a society?

Sean's big secret was that he lives at home.  Emily, reeling in horror, put on a good face as Sean took her to his bedroom filled with stuffed animals and half-eaten cookies.  Once we saw the room, it was obviously a joke.  And not a very funny one.  I would have preferred the secret to be that Sean has two dads.  If you watched the episode, you would know that would not have been too far-fetched.  

After sharing a Cinemax-style kiss, Emily was off to make her decision. 

Roses


Three roses for four guys.  As always, musical chairs style.

The first rose goes to Indy Arie.

The second rose to SLC Jef.

The final rose of the night to Sean.

In a major blow to Polish-Americans, Bobblehead Chris is headed home, but not without a fight.  Chris took an angry tone with her on the way out.  Seems like some anger management classes might be in the offing.

Until next week in Curacao (the island, not the drink).

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Emily's Race Towards Love

Notice anything different?  No, Emily is still the same and Harrison is still amazing.  Our faithful viewers might notice that I renamed the blog.  What do you think?

The episode started off with a local news station's report on how this season is going to draw attention to Charlotte.  I know nothing about Charlotte so this should be grrrrreat.

Solo Date - Uncle Rico Ryan

As Uncle Rico prepared for his date, all of the men were around the pool.  What do chest hair and minorities have in common?  Neither of them are on the Bachelorette.

Uncle Rico struck out on his date theme when Emily drove him to her house and said that he had to make cookies for soccer practice.  Some guys get bungee jumping in Interlaken, and some have to sit in the car as the Bachelorette drops off juice boxes.  

At night, Uncle Rico got a date on the town in Charlotte at "Osso," one of Charlotte's most popular restaurants...but only because Emily went there.  

At the end of the date, Uncle Rico said that Emily "looks best in the kitchen."  Whoa Nellie.  Emily found that charming.  Maybe I just don't understand Southern charm, honey boo boo child.  

Though maybe "too perfect," Uncle Rico took the date rose.

Group Date - Ollie Handro, Nate, Allesandro, Plywood Tony, Michael, SLC Jef, Trauma Charlie, Kyle, MC Stevie, Kalon Hilfiger, Mr. Aaron, Chris, Wolf

The massive group date was at a theater with the Muppets.  The guys had the task of performing with the muppets for charity.  Plywood Tony proceeded to do a shocking (in quality and pitch) impression of Miss Piggy.  

Trauma Charlie feared his impending stand-up performance.  Who can blame him?  According to Uncle Rico, Trauma Charlie "fell off a balcony and smashed his face."  Trauma Charlie then told Emily that he has a speech disability that he is working on, thus he would rather sing the Rainbow Connection.  MC Stevie was wearing a newsboy hat, so he must also have some sort of impediment, but he made no excuses.  

Overall, the show was predictably disappointing.  The best part for the audience was that a portion of the ticket price is a tax write off.  

Illogical side note: Emily wouldn't introduce Uncle Rico to her daughter Rickie, but she was in the audience at the Muppet show watching all these guys profess their love to her mom.  

Later on in the night at the fireplace cocktail hour, the drama started with MC Stevie slow dancing with Emily.  Kalon Hilfiger cut in, drawing MC Stevie's ire.  Karma proved to be shrew (synonym of bitch) when Mr. Aaron cut off his date time.  MC Stevie called out Kalon Hilfiger for his complaining, thus starting our first rivalry of guys that have no chance to win.

SLC Jef with one f got the rose.

Solo Date - Leprechaun Joe

This date put Uncle Rico's date to shame.  Emily flew Joe to West Virginia where Emily used to "summer" at the Greenbrier.  Here's a picture of it (no joke):

Back at the house, Kalon Hilfiger criticized Father Doug for "putting his father duties on hold."  Fr. Doug told Kalon to watch his mouth and apologize because Doug only came on the show "once his son told him to."  I'm calling Leprechaun Joe shenanigans on a 12-year-old asking his father to leave for three months.  Ask Kevin McCallister how that worked out:

Back on the date, Leprechaun Joe made the early promise to pack up his bags and move wherever she wants him to move.  I wonder what he is running from?  Maybe his "Field Energy Advisor" job?

Unfortunately, Joe is only going to be running home to LA to continue offering advice to all of the fields with the most energy.

Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party

It's 10:37 pm.  I'm fading quickly.  Mrs. Wags has already headed to bed.  Self pep talk: stay strong.  You can finish this!

My favorite part of the cocktail party was when one of the guys said that Kalon "uses his vocabulary to show his dominance."  I'm absolutely saying that line tomorrow at work.

Additional roses went to Kalon Hlifiger, Indy Arie, Michael Ponytail, Nate, Sean, Bobblehead Chris, Father Doug, Travis, Plywood Tony, Wolf, Alessandro, Trauma Charlie, Ollie Handro (she actually pronounced it pretty well tonight), and MC Stevie (no guy that goes by Stevie is ever going to win this).

Goodbye Mr. Aaron and Kyle.

Until next week with some country music superstars...