The Bachelorette Hometown Episode: Emily's Race to Love

Who needs the Olympic Trials!?  I only watch if you can win a gold.  And tonight, Emily gets one step closer to the gold.

From Left to Right: Bob Costas, Ryan Lochte, Michael Phelps, Nastia Liukin, and SLC Jef (nobody could legitimately mistake him for an athlete).  Not pictured: Bobblehead Chris (there's no chance he medals).

After a quick trip around the globe, well, Western Europe, Emily's race to love returned to the United States.  And also Utah.

Before hometown dates, Emily recapped the guys and their good qualities.

1) Bobblehead Chris: knows how to admit when he's wrong
2) SLC Jef: adventurous, good husband and father
3) Indy Arie: good kisser, fun, romantic
4) Sean: good heart, gentlemen, perfect life

Did I mention Bobblehead has no chance?

Chicago with Bobblehead Chris


Chris started off the date by revealing a big secret.  He's actually the only minority on the show.  He's "first generation Polish-American."  On a scale of "one to Polish," he's Polish (Chris's joke, not mine).  It appears that the lawsuit against ABC might be in trouble as long as Chris is around.

Emily and Chris went to a Polish bar and rehashed the last rose ceremony. Chris apologized again.  Emily repeated that Chris would be a great husband because he knows how to admit his wrongs.  Emily's future husband: a very apologetic baby maker.

Chris's dad was pretty awesome.  A thick Polish accent.  The top two buttons of his shirt undone.  An intense gold chain.  He kind of seemed like governor-of-California material.

Chris's sister Renee asked Emily to let him go if Chris is not the one.  I would be scared of her if I were Emily.  Did it seem a bit like Renee was doing her best to copy Emily's physical appearance?

Bobblehead Renee doing her best Emily impersonation.

At the end of the date, Chris kept saying he's in love with Emily.  This process is not going to end well for him.

Utah with SLC Jef


Predictably, Jef's family lives on a ranch.  A ranch would provide lots of privacy (read: cover) from government officials trying to crack down on his family's religious freedom.

SLC Jef took Emily out shooting at clay pigeons.  Emily pulled a Sante Fe switch and did not tell Jef that she's a semi-professional marksman.  Maybe these two have more in common that we thought.

Or maybe they don't.  Jef introduced Emily to about half of his family:

Have you ever hung out with one of those people that always kind of seems like they are quoting the bible?  That's Jef's brother Steve.

I was too busy researching the fundamentalist Mormon Church, and I missed where Jef's parents were? Could someone please enlighten me in the comment section.

Jef is looking more and more like Alby Grant.

Phoenix with Indy Arie


This date predictably started on a racetrack.  Emily did not take Jef up on his offer to bring one of the guns with her and shoot Arie in the leg.

Arie expressed concern that his parents are very European.  What's the big deal?  Europeans are just like us.

Photo courtesy of Dugan

Arie's mom looked like a cross between Elizabeth Banks and Frau Farbissina from Austin Powers.  Her name is Mieke.  Paging Stieg Larsson.  

Arie's family is obviously very wealthy.  Has the contestant from the wealthy family ever won?  There's at least one every year, and if memory serves, I don't think they usually fare well.   I'm going to have to scour the Bachelor archives on Netflix. 

I guess the date is over.  Somewhat uneventful overall.

Dallas with Sean

Sean has a big secret.  Fleiss and Co. have been teasing us the whole episode.  Will his "secret" make bigger headlines than Anderson Cooper's announcement today?  We'll know in a few short minutes.  

Emily met Sean's family.  He has a niece named Kensington and a nephew named Smith.  Where are we going as a society?

Sean's big secret was that he lives at home.  Emily, reeling in horror, put on a good face as Sean took her to his bedroom filled with stuffed animals and half-eaten cookies.  Once we saw the room, it was obviously a joke.  And not a very funny one.  I would have preferred the secret to be that Sean has two dads.  If you watched the episode, you would know that would not have been too far-fetched.  

After sharing a Cinemax-style kiss, Emily was off to make her decision. 

Roses


Three roses for four guys.  As always, musical chairs style.

The first rose goes to Indy Arie.

The second rose to SLC Jef.

The final rose of the night to Sean.

In a major blow to Polish-Americans, Bobblehead Chris is headed home, but not without a fight.  Chris took an angry tone with her on the way out.  Seems like some anger management classes might be in the offing.

Until next week in Curacao (the island, not the drink).