The Bachelorette(s) Episode 6: Hans the Heel

So I was just doing a little research about ice cream.  I found out that King Tang of Shang invented ice cream.  I then figured that his name required at least a cursory google image search.  Much to my delight, here he is:

The Next Bachelor

How badly do I want his hat?  The answer: very badly.  I wish more contestants on the Bachelor wore more creative clothing like this.  How many monochromatic v-necks can we handle?  Tonight, let's be inspired by King Tang and get weird.  Without further ado, it's Hans time....

Hans

Hans arrived to meet the guys and received a predictably chilly reception.  Tanner Dog broke the ice by noting that the tabloids said Hans hung out with Andi a few weeks ago.  Though the guys are not allowed to watch TV or make phone calls, apparently they are allowed to read all issues of US Weekly and People.  

Welder Josh then tried to take on Hans.  The Welder seemed troubled by Hans calling Kaitlyn a "cool chick," while he sees her as an "amazing woman."  It seems like a nit picky distinction.  Mrs. Wags observed that Welder Josh is an "industrial" welder and is used to dealing with massive tools.  Boom Hans.  

Cocktail Party

All of the guys went to Citi Field for the cocktail party.  Citi Field is used to housing baseball players that are losers, so it should accommodate the Bachelorette contestants with ease.  

Speaking of losers, Federal JJ decided to run around the bases carrying Kaitlyn.  Kaitlyn asked to touch "home base."  Not much baseball in Canada, eh?

Ugly Gosling, deeply troubled and unnecessarily threatened by Hans, told Kaitlyn that he wished she were smarter and should not have brought Hans back.  Since when is intelligence a valued trait on this show?  (Sidenotes: Mrs. Wags pointed out that the ugly duckling became the swan in the end.  Also, clams have the highest amount of iron of any food.  She's having trouble focusing).  

Mid-show Rose Ceremony

In the freezing cold polar vortex rose ceremony, Chris Harrison made the briefest appearance in recent memory.  Joining Dr. Harris DDS, Justin, and Chris Quinn with roses was:

Role Models Ben

Trainer Ben

Ugly Gosling

Tanner Dog

American Pharaoh Joe

Hit n Run Ian

Federal Prisoner JJ

Welder Josh

Hans

Ice skating back to the hotel roseless was Detroit Jonathan, Realtor Ryan, and One of the Two Coreys.

In an effort to get out of the heat (and save some production money), Fleiss & Co. decided to take the show to San Antonio. I can't wait to learn about San Antonio, because all I know right now is the river walk, the Alamo, and Tim Duncan.  

Solo Date #1: Role Models Ben

Welder Josh saw them drive off on their date and said he really missed his truck.  I feel similarly about my car.

Kaitlyn drove Role Model to a classic dance hall in order to learn how to dance.  Later that night, they were scheduled to dance in a two-step competition later that night.  I hope Role Models takes to dancing better than me.  After two months of dance lessons in preparation for Mrs. Wags and my first dance, I still biffed it.  

The live band thankfully played songs that included instructions in the words (slow....quick, quick....slow).  I love songs that have dance instructions.

The date continued to a rooftop dinner.  With the requisite amount of Chardonnay and a strong rooftop breeze, Role Model opened up about past relationships. When asked if he's ready for commitment since he's only 26, Role Models responded that there's always a lot of fear when starting a relationship. Really?  Fear?  I only experience fear when watching a preview of The Whispers or when Lebron drives to the hoop.

Role Models earned the date rose.

Group Date: Justin, Chris Quinn Jared, Hit n Run Ian, Dr. Harris DDS, Tanner Dog, American Pharaoh Joe, Federal JJ, Trainer Ben, Welder Josh, and Hans

The date started off with a 12 year old mariachi singer named Sebastian De La Cruz serenading Kaitlyn.  I thought he looked familiar.  I was right.  Remember this?

Kaitlyn challenged the guys to mariachi serenade her.  It was a given that they were all going to be terrible.  At least they all gave max effort.  

The evening portion of the date was at a ranch house.  Welder Josh decided to let Kaitlyn cut his hair. Kaitlyn, apparently a very amateur barber, may never work for Vidal Sassoon, but she definitely could be the best stylist at SuperCuts.  

Welder Josh decided to air his Hans-grievances with Kaitlyn.  Experienced fans know this is the kiss-of-death.  

When Kaitlyn entered the room to confront the guys, all of them stood up.  Though this is probably out of respect, it would be awesome to have Chris Harrison standing by as the Bachelorette-Bailiff.  When Kaitlyn enters the room, Harrison booms "All rise.  Hear Ye. Hear Ye.  I present the Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe.  You may be seated."  

With Neil Lane as Judge Harry Crane

Kaitlyn gave the date rose to Hans, almost taunting the other guys.  

Solo Date #2: Ugly Gosling

If you're wondering why Mrs. Wags has not chimed in recently, it's because she's been asleep for the last hour.  

The date was kayaking down the river.  Kaitlyn said she had never been kayaking before.  This was shocking to me at first, but then I realized that maybe I've just been brought up so privileged to think that everyone has kayaked of course.  This requires a poll for me to sort out my life.  

Have you ever kayaked?

Yes

No

 

pollcode.com free polls

On the date, Ugly Gosling revealed that he got in a bad car accident, barely survived, and recently started wearing seat belts.  Ugly confessed that it's hard to let your guard down and fall in love.  I just had a weird realization:  this show feels like a romantic comedy; almost scripted.  Do you think it's possible that the contestants on this show are all aspiring actors?  Nah.  Neil Lane would never allow it.  

To no one's surprise, Ugly Gosling got a date rose.  

Back at the House

Wasting no time, Hit n Run Ian delivered the QOTN: "I don't understand why Kaitlyn wouldn't want a Princeton graduate, former model, that defied death and has been around the world a couple times." Maybe she's looking for a guy with some humility.  You don't hear Ugly Gosling bragging about how he once beat 10 levels of Candy Crush in one day.  

Cocktail Party #2

Chris Quinn Jared said he's falling in love with Kaitlyn.  It sure seems like guys are pulling the love-trigger a little early this season.  

Hit n Run Ian topped of his previous QOTN with another dandy: "I have a lot of sex."  Well then.  

Hit n Run decided to go out with "guns blazing."  He told Kaitlyn that he's done with guys making "fart jokes, poop jokes, and sex jokes."  He then called her shallow and accused her of having nothing below the surface.  

For the fourth week in a row...to be continued until next week.

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 4 Recap: Two Days Late, Many Dollars Short

Dear Fans,

The four of you are probably wondering why this week's recap is two days late.  I apologize, as I was on vacation in New York.  Strangely, it was impossible to convince my family on the East coast to allow a few hours on our long weekend trip to blog the Bachelorette.  They did not want to see how the sausage is made.  Speaking of sausage, let's watch the show.

Sincerely,

Wags (with ice cream and whiskey in hand)


We resume this week with the Human Meltdown, King Kupah.  While he was screaming in the driveway about how the process was not for him, he unleashed a QOTN nominee, "[This process] might be for Cupcake."  It would not be the first time a guy nicknamed Cupcake had done well on the Bachelorette.  Please refer back to 2011.  Dugan and I have been at this for a long time, and we're not getting any younger.

From our college days

Last Week's Rose Ceremony Continued

After King Kupah left not-so-quietly, Kaitlyn (the second most popular reality show Kaitlyn/Caitlyn this week), had to get back to business.  Chris Quinn Jared boggled my mind when he said, "nobody doesn't want to see Kaitlyn anymore."  It is an even harder statement to understand when written down.  His declaration might have given me a mild concussion.  

Roses went to:

Chris Quinn Jared (Second guy on the show with a shiner)

Role Models Ben H.

Ugly Gosling Shawn

Detroit Jonathan

Tanner Dog

Dr. Harris, DDS

Realtor Ryan

Justin (Maybe also has a black eye?  Fleiss & Co. really blew it with the boxing challenge)

Hit and Run Ian

Welder Josh

American Pharaoh Joe

One of the Two Coreys

Tony The Dude (I thought he was going home for sure.  He was happy to go home to his bonsai trees (he really said this).  The Dude then deeply stated, "I see the world through the eyes of a child, have the heart of a warrior, and a gypsy soul."  For those keeping track at home, we're 12:30 into the show and we have ANOTHER QOTN nominee.)

Joining King Kupah in the goodbye limo was Fashion Designer Daniel and The Other Corey That Has a Daughter and Needs to Get Home to Her.  

Now this week's episode can finally begin with...

SUMO WRESTLING!!!

Group Date #1: Dr. Harris, DDS, Tony The Healer (Mrs. Wags thought the sumo wrestler pronouncing his name said Donny.  I thought he said Thonny.  But that's not a real name), Federal JJ, Ugly Gosling, Clint, and American Pharaoh Joe 

While the theme of this season seems to be how much Fleiss and Co. can physically abuse the guys, at least Trainer Ben is not on the date to destroy the guys.  

Once Federal Prisoner JJ got in his sumo underpants, he showed off a rather large shoulder tattoo.  I know where he got it:

Prison

The guys had to take on sumo wrestlers that were supposedly real and supposedly good.  I say "supposedly," because what are they doing on a reality show in LA if they're good?  I have a feeling Lebron and Curry don't do reality shows in Finland.

Predictably, the guys got demolished.  The Dude thought he was going to dominate, but he not only got slapped around, but the sumo guy laughed at him while slapping him in the head.  It was thoroughly embarrassing.  The Dude then got in an argument with Kaitlyn about all of the aggressive challenges.  

As the The Dude's drama dragged on, I continued to ponder Federal Prisoner JJ's tattoos.  I now believe they look less prisoner-y and more:

I think I see this guy on my commute

The date continued with the guys in a round-robin sumo tournament.  Thor Clint lived up to his nickname and dominated the competition.  The Dude decided to skip the contest and then head home to his bonsai trees.  But before he left, he wanted one last word with Kaitlyn (i.e. one last opportunity to prove that he is Bachelor in Paradise material).  Without much of a fight, Kaitlyn let The Dude go home.

Maybe I want a bonsai house

Ugly Gosling made the wise choice to avoid any date drama, and he earned the date rose for it.

Solo Date #1: Trainer Ben

The date, planned by Chris Harrison, took them to a mysterious warehouse.  At first, they were locked in a room with pigeons.  First, gross.  Second, Kaitlyn is scared of birds.  Third, can you really be scared of birds if you have these tattoos?

Put a bird on it

Kaitlyn shuddered at the sound  of birds.  Once inside the room, the birds seemed like the least of their concerns.  They were in a room of horrors; severed limbs, ghosts, blood.  Somehow, it kind of reminded me of Legends of the Hidden Temple.

I loved this show.

Eventually, they got out of the house.  It was never really in question because if the going got tough, Trainer Ben could just punch a hole through the wall.

After revealing that he has not cried in eleven years, Trainer Ben got the date rose.  Prediction: Trainer Ben will cry for the first time in eleven years on this season of the Bachelorette.

Group Date #2: Detroit Jonathan, Role Models Ben, Welder Josh, Realtor Ryan, Chris Quinn Jared, and Tanner Dog

The last date of the episode started in a elementary school sex ed classroom.  Needless to say, this was not my experience at Catholic junior high.  The only rule I knew growing up was to leave room for the Holy Spirit.

The runaway QOTN winner came from Welder Josh: "Everything I learned about sex was from watching our cows."

The guys started teaching anatomy, and all of the kids seemed grossed out.  The class atmosphere got a little strange during the Q&A with the students.  The kids started asking questions that were pretty advanced.  And by "advanced," I mean "I can't print any of them in our lightly-read blog."  

It turned out that the guys and the viewers were actually being pranked.  The kids were all child actors made to ask these uncomfortable questions.  I guess it was okay that they were child actors, but it kind of reminded me of Vice's Kids Telling Dirty Jokes videos (I laugh at them, and then feel bad).  

Back at the house, Fleiss & Co. convinced Thor Clint and Federal Prisoner JJ to pretend that they might be falling in love with each other, an obvious ploy to get attention from US Weekly.  

On the date, Kaitlyn had a slow dance on a corporate building roof (Bachelor staple) with Chris Quinn.  She said he's the most manly in the house.  Nothing says manly like a guy that can't grow and beard and wears flair to work.  Much to Quinn's surprise, Role Models Ben got the date rose.

The Second Rose Ceremony

(Unrelated side note: I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight after accidentally watching a commercial for the new ABC horror show The Whispers).

Thor Clint became one of the more unique villains in reality dating show history by admitting that he has no interest in Kaitlyn, but continuing to pursue her because he wants to stay on the show in order to hang out more with Federal Prisoner JJ.  

All of the guys dished on Thor Clint.  Kaitlyn went to confront him for more drama, and then....

...continued to next week.

Until next week, when Dugan continues to sell the drama.

Did you know today is Mrs. Dugan's birthday?

Yes

Well, it is.

Poll Maker

The Bachelorette: Doublemint Edition, Hour Three

So last night I was very excited to watch the two hour premiere of the Bachelorette, thinking it would be the only episode until next week.  I had my once-a-week whiskey and ice cream.  Much to my excitement (and horror), I get to celebrate tonight with an additional hour of the Bachelorette.  It's double the bachelorettes and double the desserts.  I guess it's technically 50% more Bachelorette and 100% more desserts.  (Unrelated side note: Mrs. Wags does not seem pleased that we are turning off the Pitch Perfect marathon to watch more Bachelorette).  (Related side note: Have I ever admitted on the blog that I pretty much force Mrs. Wags to watch the Bachelorette?).

Enough about me, let's figure out who our Bachelorette is going to be.

The show resumed at the cocktail party.   With fifty five minutes left in the episode, Harrison revealed to Britt that the guys saw a future with Kaitlyn and not with her.  Britt got in the stretch limo (excessive for one person?) and cried (shocker).

Extra leg space for Britt's tears

Harrison told Kaitlyn that she won.  I feel like America also won.  I take that back.  She's Canadian, so North America won.

Sorry Greenland

Welder Joshua gave Kaitlyn a steel rose.  She loved that he built it because it said, "I'm a man!"  Kaitlyn is going to be a fun Bachelorette. 

The guys started scrambling for the first impression rose.  It seems like a really diverse crowd of guys, with a startling number of fitness trainers.  

Tony The Dude was not as excited because he was in the "hardcore Britt" camp.  He said he was confused.  I think he might be confused because he has a residual concussion from that black eye.  

Chris Quinn Jared admitted that he voted for Britt.  

Federal Prisoner JJ said he was 1000% in for Kaitlyn.  Expressing a percentage above 100% is a pet peeve of mine.  Earlier he said that he was 1000% in for Britt.  Apparently his tendency to lie did not get rehabilitated in prison.

Federal prison is the best

Dr. Chris Harris, DDS got the first kiss.  I'll bet he has good breath because he always uses mouthwash and flosses, as required by himself.

Ugly Gosling one-upped DDS Harris by getting the first impression rose and two kisses.  Mrs. Wags thinks they should just end the season now and give the final rose to Ugly Gosling.  

The rose ceremony followed shortly after, proving this show really could be just one hour per week.

Rose Receivers in addition to Ugly Gosling

DDS Chris Harris
Ben H.
Federal Prisoner JJ
American Pharaoh Joe
King Koopa
Daniel
Welder Joshua
The Dude Tony

At this point, Singer Brady pulled Britt aside and interrupted the rose ceremony.  There are no rules on this show.  Why doesn't every dude just do whatever they want?  Dugan, how about we write a strategy guide for how to succeed on this show?  (We'll discuss offline).



Forget what I just wrote.  Singer Brady left the show because he liked Britt more.  Though I do not respect his minor league baseball career or singing career, I have to respect his exit.

Back to the roses:

Clint aka Thor
40 year old Corey (Kaitlyn used his full name when she called him up.  I cannot remember this ever happening)
Jonathan
Other Cory (She used his full last name.  I only remember this happening one other time in Bachelor history)
Ben C. (no full last name.  I do not know what to think anymore)
Tanner Dog
HitnRun Ian
Justin
Chris Quinn Jared (Usually the last rose is the Fleiss & Co. producer pick.  I think our man Chris Quinn is going to provide some crazy this season)

Early exits went to:

The Amateur Sex Coach (DAMMIT)
David
Bradley
Magic Josh (Goodbye to our first good nickname)

Overall, I am fairly pleased with the direction this season is going.

Until next week...

The Bachelorette Episode 8: Hometowns

So Mrs. Wags and I just returned from a European vacation, and I'm writing a day late with no ice cream.  I panicked and asked Mrs. Wags what I would have with my whiskey.  She replied that I could have part of an Aero bar and/or some digestive biscuits that we brought back from Ireland.  This just is not going to cut it.  After Dugan's ultra-patriotic post from last week, I feel that my Euro-candy and Euro-biscuits are an embarrassment to this blog.  And I apologize.

I can't quit you

On to the show.  We are at that point with four guys left and a marriage proposal could be on the way in a couple short weeks.  It feels like anyone could win, but no one should.  This is definitely the beauty (and horror) of this show.

Hans in Milwaukee

Somehow, I did not realize that Hans (Nick) lives in Milwaukee.  I assumed he lived in some ice castle.  (That was my best attempt at a Frozen reference.  Still haven't seen the movie.  Sorry Dugan).  

Hans wore a scarf on the date that looked suspiciously like Andi's scarf.  I guess Hans knew the blog post was going to start with a Euro theme.  

Hans brought Andi on a beer brewery tour.  I was really hoping they would go to one of Milwaukee's best breweries.  He would be a beast is he brought her there (see where I'm going with this?).  

It's premium

They eventually arrived Hans's parents' home.  His parents have apparently spent the past two decades having kids.  

The Hans Family

Hans had a heart-to-heart with one of his sisters in the basement of the house.  It had a finished basement.  Having spent some time in the midwest and watched many episodes of House Hunters, I know that finished basements are a big deal.  It also had an electric dartboard.  I got a little weepy remembering the home of my favorite electric dartboard:

5,356 games played, $0 spent

Hans talks like he's wearing a retainer.  I probably shouldn't throw stones in glass houses since I have had various retainer devices over the years, but this guy's voice bugs.

Hans riddle: How does his mom look like she could be his older sister and his younger sister look like  she could be his daughter?  Answer: He's his uncle and his brother.

The date ended.  They kissed.  You get the picture.  Hans is a lock for the final three.

John Deere in Iowa

John Deere explained that Arlington, Iowa has a population of 758, but it's 759 today because Andi is here.  Someone needs to explain to Deere how population counts work.  Remind the US Government not to hire JD as a census worker.

At JD's house, Andi asked if his backyard is "the farmland."  This relationship is not going to work out.  

JD then took Andi for a ride on his JOHN DEERE tractor (how apropos).  This relationship is not going to work out.  

JD noted that he's broken the mold because he's a farmer on the Bachelorette.  Andi said that she could live on a farm because "her family has a lake house in the middle of nowhere."  (early favorite for quote of the night). I think he's broken the mold because he's the first farmer in Iowa with a faux-hawk.  

When asked what she would do in Iowa, Deere responded that she could be a homemaker.  

This is not going to work out

John Deere's mom, Mrs. Deere, told Andi that living on a farm takes gumption. This relationship is not going to work out.  

After a quick game of Sardines, Andi left.  The date seemed to go well.  I'll be shocked if he makes it another round.

Josh Griffey Jr. in Tampa

Let me start by saying I cannot stand this guy.  I roll my eyes at every word he says.  His face bugs me.  His voice bugs me.  This is going to be difficult.  

Josh is a former baseball player (in case you forgot), so of course he took Andi to a baseball field.  In case you were wondering if he was good, he was not.  In case you were wondering if he ever played in the majors, he did not.  But once again, I only played JV baseball in high school, so maybe I should pipe down:

Josh's brother is Aaron Murray, former star quarterback at Georgia and now in the NFL with the Kansas City Chiefs.  Looks like Andi got the wrong brother.  Here's Aaron.

Rich

Josh's mom says that Josh is "very sincere."  That's the last word I would use to describe Josh.  I take that back.  It's the second-to-last word I would use.  "Intelligent" is #1.  

The family went to the backyard and played some pickup football.  I was hoping Aaron throw one off of Josh's forehead, but not all dreams come true (e.g. Josh's MLB dream...that's mean....I take that back....no I don't).

The date ended.  As all hometown dates must.

Marcus Gosling in Dallas

Gosling drove Andi to a penthouse suite in his Benz and then stripped for Andi in a sailor outfit.  Andi seemed to be having flash-fowards to the fantasy suite, describing Gosling as "the hottest guy she's ever dated."  This is one of those moments that would be hard to watch if one of the other three guy's win it all.  

Mrs. Wags just asked me, "who is this guy?"  When people ask me if Mrs. Wags makes me watch the show, I quickly reply, "I make her watch the show."  This moment was undeniable proof that I am not lying.  

Andi met Gosling's mom, siblings, and nieces.  Gosling's dad left when they were kids, forcing Gosling's older brother into a father-figure role.  In one of the more genuine moments in Bachelor history, Gosling tearfully thanked his older brother for being there for him during the hard times.  It seemed like a nice moment for them.  

On the other hand, it doesn't really seem like Gosling had as many nice moments with Andi during his hometown.  I think he may be on the chopping block. 

Chris Harrison' Home

For the first time ever, we got to see the inside of Chris Harrison's home.  Hopefully this is foreshadowing next season on the Bachelor when 25 lucky ladies vie for Chris Harrison's love.  

Andi and the four guys were brought there to hear that Dora died in a paragliding accident.  There were lots of tears.  It was too serious, and thus, unbloggable.

Rose Ceremony

The tears continued into the rose ceremony, but the show must go on.

Getting their rose tickets to the fantasy suite were Josh Griffey Jr., John Deere, and Hans.

Marcus Gosling went home.  Not too surprising.  

Until next week, when Dugan makes all your fantasies come true.  

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Andi's Big Event

So this is part two of the Bachelorette's 4 hour mega "event" this week.  I still haven't figured out what the event actually is.  Frat Bro Andrew getting a phone number from a waitress?  More Chris Harrison than ever before?  A special early season visit from Neil Lane?  I guess we'll just have to wait and see.  On the other hand, I will be making tonight a whiskey and ice cream big event for myself.  Heavy pour and an extra scoop.  I'm going to be like Andi after 4 glasses of chardonnay.

On to the show...

According to the preview, there will be a pickup basketball game.  I can't wait to see who can play, and who looks like they played tennis growing up.

The Bachelorette tour continued in Connecticut (?) at the Mohegan Sun Hotel.  Mrs. Wags was surprised to find out that it's not the (Last of) the Mohicans Sun Hotel.

Does it seem like these guys touch each other a lot?  Just noticing.  They all seem to get along really well.

Solo Date #1: Dylan

Nick Name Les Dylan (Maybe Les Dylan?) started his date with Andi on an Essex Train.  This continues another trend of Bachelor/ette dates on trains.  There's a long, mysterious history of train dates.

How Fleiss and Co. hope the train dates will go.

Les Dylan was anxious about telling Andi that two of his siblings died of drug overdoses.  For some reason, he felt obligated to reveal this information early in the season.  Why now?  Why not after the show?  It's too serious for this show, and definitely too serious for this blog.

Train date reality.  

Les Dylan is actually from Connecticut, so when he revealed the untimely deaths of his siblings, it was even more heavy that being back in Connecticut reminded him of his deceased family.  This is turning into a Lifetime drama.  I need Herb, the pantsapreneur old man in makeup, to come back and lighten the mood.

Though it was a roller coaster, Les Dylan got the rose (and earned a nickname).

Group Date: JJ Dockers, John Deere, Frat Bro Andrew, Nick, Famous Amos, Dora, Albino Rhino, Tacos, Coach Brian, Frat Bro Patrick,  and Josh Griffey Jr.

Andi took the guys to a basketball court so she can see manly, "sweaty" basketball.  And then she brought out a bunch of WNBA superstars.  That's not going to help them seem manly when they get whooped.

My favorite moment was when Elena Della Donne swatted the Albino Rhino...without jumping!  All the HGH in the world can't help The Rhino's jump shot.

The guys then had to play each other for the evening date.  Coach Brian led the "Rosebuds," and he was really in his element.  The Rosebuds were challenged by the "Five of Hearts." (I think the Five Hearts would have been better).

Thankfully, Coach Brian could play a little bit.  He didn't let his junior high team down.  On the other hand, the halftime score was 6-6.  But, alas, Coach Brian and his Rosebuds took control in the 2nd half.  Famous Amos noted that the Rosebuds "breathe excellence."  I told Mrs. Wags that I also breath excellence, but she said that is actually just the smell of Dewar's White Label.

The Rosebuds got to have a private after-party with Andi.  Unfortunately for Dora, Andi pulled him aside to let him know that their relationship is stalling.  Dora quickly got back in Andi's good graces by revealing that he loves his family and that he "gave up his religion" at age 26.  Mrs. Wags started singing at this point:



Coach Brian took Andi to center court so they could listen to Endless Love in the dark.  He took a half court shot, drained it, and then...blew it by not kissing Andi.  Andi said she really wanted a kiss after seeing the half court shot, but since Coach Brian blew it, she went and made out with Hans.

Coach Brian appropriately earned the date rose.

Solo Date #2: Marcus Gosling

The always-serious Marcus Gosling got to help Andi get over her fear of heights.  On the Bachelorette, if you can conquer a fear of heights, conquering love is no obstacle.  They had to repel down a building in tornado-strength winds.  It appeared to be the tallest building in all of Connecticut.

It looks taller when you repel down it.

After a quick awkward kiss while repelling down the building, the other guys banged on the windows from the inside.  Gosling asked if they should kiss in front of them.  Andi quickly said no.  Nice try Gosling.  You're not using Andi to position yourself as the favorite.

At dinner, Marcus Gosling predictably got the rose.  But before the date was over, they got to go to a casino and hear some country singer perform.  They said his name and I couldn't hear exactly what they said.  It sounded like "John Carty," but I don't think that's the guy.  

Rose Ceremony

Before the ceremony started, Andi got a special delivery in her hotel room.  It was a love letter from a secret admirer.  Please let it be Neil Lane or Chris Harrison!  

Coach Brian took Andi back to center court and got the kiss he missed out on earlier.  Wait a second.  They're still near the basketball court for the rose ceremony?  I don't understand how the production of this show works at all.  

Dora made the mistake of accusing Andi of not being open with him.  He then took it a step further and said he "came to meet a person, not a TV actress."  Andi did not react kindly to being called a fraud and being told that she has a "poker face."  She made it clear to Dora that he could go explore for a wife elsewhere.  Andi told the other guys that she has tried so hard not to have a poker face.  

When the show returned from commercials, Chris Harrison, our leader and spiritual guide, told us there would be no rose ceremony, but rather a sit-down discussion with Andi to celebrate Dora's life. 

At the end of the episode, Chris Harrison held his own rose ceremony and revealed that Tacos went home.  Needless to say, he won't be missed.   

Until two weeks from now, when we finally go abroad.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Andi Makes Them Dance

Tonight begins with bourbon, but no ice cream.  "Why break whiskey and ice cream tradition this early in the season?" - you.  "Because I ate a big honking slice of confetti cake earlier this evening." - me.   "Why eat confetti cake?  Were you celebrating Andi's search for love?" - you.  "No, it was my favorite brother's birthday." - me  Okay, okay. It's almost midnight already.  Let's get this blog show on the road.

The episode started with Andi looking in the mirror and noting that it "just dawned" on her that she is THE Bachelorette.  What did she think was going on during the two months of Late Night Show interviews and promo photos?  It didn't "dawn" on her then that she was the Bachelorette?  C'mon Andi.  You're making attorneys and DA's look bad.

Date #1: Dora (Eric)

A co-worker suggested that we give Eric the nickname Dora.  It's respectful and it makes sense.

The date started off with Andi proving that she knows how to drive.  It seems like the first date always includes a driving scene.  While driving, Dora Eric shared that he had camped with a witch doctor and rode a motorcycle half way across Africa, but when they arrived at their date, this exchange happened:

"What is this place called?" - Dora
"It's called the beach." - Andi

Dora, please put a little of that world-traveler common sense to good use.

Belgium

After a brief stay on the beach showing off a six pack that you can't get at BevMo, a helicopter picked them up on the beach and took them SNOWBOARDING a mere twenty minutes away.  Dr. Dre and 2Pac knew what they were talking about in that California Love song.  

They met up with professional snowboarder and basically just totally rad bro Louie Vito for some snowboard lessons.  Normally I would think a professional explorer might be a little intimidated by an Olympic athlete, but then I noticed that Louie reminded me of someone:

Wee Man or Louie?

I checked Wikipedia to see if I was on the right track.  

Louis "Louie" Vito

Personal information
Born	March 20, 1988 (age 26) Columbus, Ohio, U.S.
Residence	Sandy, Utah,[1] U.S.
Height	5 feet 5 inches
Weight	140 pounds
Website	http://www.louievito.com

During the evening portion of the date, Dora told a story of how he was accused of being a spy in Syria, sent a text message to his parents saying he might die, and then survived to tell the tale.  Okay Andi, your turn to tell a story about being a gang prosecutor.  We're waiting.  C'mon Andi.  Tell ONE story!  Just one.  

At the end of the date, Dora got a rose and was nearly ready to "throw out the 'L' word."  Let's just pump the brakes on that one.  

Group Date: Coach Brian, Opera Man Bradley, Famous Amos Marquel, Craig Lush, Paul Mitchell Brett, Frat Bro 2 Patrick, Albino Rhino, Josh Griffey Jr., Ron Carew, Tasos Tacos, Marcus Gosling, Ty Webb Nick S., Fire Marshal Carl, and Dylan

The date started with the guys hooting and hollering when they saw Andi.  Two guys have the nickname "Frat Bro," but we might have to rename all of them Frat Bro 1 through 19.

Fortunately, the date took them to their natural element, a very classy male exotic dance studio.  I would bet the rest of my whiskey that the Albino Rhino has danced for money in real life.

Fire Marshal Carl was in the group of guys that had to dress up like firefighters.  Fleiss and Co. really know how to script it.   Poor Carl is going to have to face his real life firefighter co-workers back home. But don't lose faith Carl.  Firefighters have a good history on this show.

 

Marcus Gosling had my favorite interaction of the night.  "Should I just wear my own underwear?"  "No," said the male stripper consultant, "you should wear the speedo."    The Gos claimed to be nervous for his dance, but came out like a Miley Cyrus backup dancer.  

Chris B. Harrison, host extraordinaire, showed that he can not only expertly host ABC's search for true love, but can also deftly handle the duties associated with male strip club emcee.  

At the end of the stripping, Andi said what we all we're thinking (and some of us were blogging about), "it seems some of them have done this before." Cue: Albino Rhino's intro music:

In the evening portion of the date, there were some highlights:

Andi noted that Coach Brian is really passionate about his job as a teacher, so he was understandably nervous about stripping.  

Josh Griffey Jr, the former professional baseball player with GQ looks, said he lacks confidence.  You're not fooling Andi with that act because she "knows her way around athletes."  

Shortly after Opera Man Bradley's Italian solo, Craig Lush had his chance to impress.  The first words out of Craig's mouth were "What's your worst thing about your parents?"   (I went back and watched to get the exact grammar of the quote).  He might be drunk.  

After running around the house naked, Andi (or Fleiss and Co.?) sent Craig Lush to bed.  

The date rose went to Marcus Gosling.  He seems like he will be in the Top 3.  

Solo Date #2: John Deere Chris

Before we start John Deere's date recap, could someone explain to me what happened with Coach Brian's progressively worsening black eye?  I must not have been paying attention when his wound got mentioned.

For their horse race date, Andi dressed up in 40s glam style.  Good thing John Deere wore his pink henley.  Oh don't worry, Fleiss and Co. had John Deere covered.  They must have had a Vineyard Vines stylist on standby.

John Deere's date was going well, until he got sweaty and confessed that he once proposed to a girl when he was younger.  Andi said she didn't have a problem with it.  We'll see about that.  

John Deere got the rose.  Roses for everyone!

Andi had one more surprise: a private concert from a band called This Wild Life.  According to google (it's a search engine), they haven't even released an album yet.  

Rose Ceremony

Craig Lush was apparently still on the show (I thought he had gotten kicked off).  He sang a song and maybe saved his hide. 

Frat Bro 1 Andrew made his first appearance of the night, noting that it's crazy that some people  "are going to have to go home tonight."  Bad news Brah, it's probably going to be you.  

In addition to Dora, Gosling, and John Deere, roses went to:

Ron Carew

Dylan

JJ Dockers

Famous Amos

Frat Bro 1 Andrew (I take back what I said two sentences above)

Tasos Tacos

Josh Griffey Jr.

Albino Rhino (thanks Fleiss and Co.)

Nick B. Hans

Frat Bro 2 Patrick

Coach Brian

Paul Mitchell Brett

Opera Man Bradley (I think he could be a serial killer)

Goodbye Fire Marshal Carl (a Ft. Lauderdale favorite), Ty Webb Nick (a hairline favorite), and Craig Lush.

Until next week, with TWO full episodes over TWO full nights with Boyz TWO Men and TWO times the tears.  

The Bachelor Finale: The Anti-Juan Recap

(As you may know already, Dugan and I split our summaries for the finale.  Dugan will write his recap  from a pro-JP viewpoint (good luck, buddy!).  I will write the (much easier), anti-Juan perspective.)

Let's just admit up front that I have an easier task.

Per tradition, I will be enjoying tonight's finale with whisky and ice cream.  Not only does JP dislike the LGBT community, but I'll bet he dislikes my classic combo as well (just look at him smugly holding that Jamba Juice in the above photo).

Let's just lay out a few of the bad qualities we've seen this season:
1) Homophobic (Is not  okay)
2) Hasn't said one interesting thing (Is not  okay)
3) Chris B. Harrison doesn't really like him (Is not  okay)
4) Maybe gave Abbie crabs:



On to the episode . . .

The finale started off with horror music and JP looking like he was ready to kill someone.  Cut to Harrison saying this is going to be the "most surprising and shocking" finale ever.  Spoiler: you will be shocked to hear JP put together a full sentence.  You will then be surprised that there is no substance to any of these relationships.

Meet the Family #1: Vidal Sassoon Clare

It's always a beautiful thing when an autograph collector can introduce his hairstylist girlfriend to his parents.  I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Pablo are thrilled about the prospect of these two getting engaged and living in their basement for the rest of their lives.  Juan Pablo's World!  Juan Pablo's World!  Party time!  Excellent!  Woo woo woo woo!

Vidal got to meet Mrs. Pablo.  It reminded me of the first conversation I had with the Señora I lived with when I studied abroad in Madrid.

Me: "El cielo es azul y no va a llover."
Maria Baeza Ordonez: (shakes head)

Mrs. Pablo then told Vidal that JP can be mean at times.  JP's cousin Rodolfo then warned that JP often just walks away from relationships.  Did Fleiss and Co. do any background research on JP?  JP's own family was pretty clear about how he is with women.

Said his entire family.

Meet the Parents #2: Nurse Nikki

Nikki arrived.  Before a word was spoken, Mrs. Wags instantly pointed out that Nikki is not into JP.  I agree.  Sadly (for her), Nikki lasted one week too long to become the next Bachelorette.

Once again, JP's family warned that JP is "focalized" on what he wants and can be very difficult.  Focalized may not be a word, but I promise to use it at work at some point tomorrow.

Nikki described her favorite day with JP as going to the beach and doing lots of activities.  Mrs. Pablo then warned that JP's ideal day would be sitting on the couch watching TV (I didn't write that.  Mrs. Pablo actually said it).  These relationships can work!

At the end of the date, JP asked if he "could keep both" women.  Someone needs to explain the concept of the show to him.

Do your sexy face.

Final Date #1: Vidal

JP arrived in a helicopter, Vidal in a BMW SUV.  Fleiss and Co. spare no expense on unnecessary travel.  Sadly, JP's 2005 Camry that he drives back home may not have quite the same effect.

At the tail end of a helicopter ride, JP whispered into Vidal's ear that "he doesn't know her" and then said something "sexual" that was unrepeatable.  JP is taking a Walter White-esque downward spiral.

In the evening portion of the date, JP went to Vidal's place.  She wanted to talk.  JP wanted a besito.  Vidal wanted an explanation.  JP wanted an escape route.

Earlier in the season, JP's ex-girlfriend (Camila's mom) seemed to have no problem meeting Nurse Nikki and was very comfortable seeing JP with another woman.  After the first hour of this finale, that  previous scene with the ex is starting to make more and more sense.

Have you noticed that JP has been wearing an orange Livestrong-style rubber band bracelet all season?  As a society, I wonder if we can trust anyone that wears one of those bracelets anymore.  And after this finale, who has done more damage to the charity bracelet: JP or Lance Armstrong?

Who has done more damage to charity bracelets?

• Lance Armstrong
• Juan Pablo

Acepoll

More polls: Create you own poll

I was busy making the poll and somehow JP turned around this disaster.  I looked up from typing and Vidal was ready to marry him again.  Things are getting weird.

By the way, where's Neil Lane?  He's the best part of this episode.  If you're asking yourself who Neil Lane is, let me introduce the two of you.

Handsome

Final Date #2: Nurse Nikki

Nikki's date took them on a sailboat ride.   Nikki spent the date unsuccessfully convincing herself and the audience that she is interested in being engaged to JP.  

It's really a pleasure to watch the final two contestants realize that they do not know a thing about JP and might (have to) accept a proposal from him the next day.  It's never easy to realize that you've gotten this deep with a guy that has this tattoo:

Bracelet on other wrist

After a couple forced kisses in Nikki's suite, JP took off for the night.  Nikki then burst into tears in the room.  It's not the most ideal way to spend the night before you (might) get engaged.  

Proposal?

There are exactly 21 ABC minutes left in this episode and we still have not seen Neil Lane.  If we didn't realize it already from the horror movie music, this is not going to end well.

Instead of limo rides, the ladies took pontoon boat rides to the Bachelor proposal altar.  First off the boat was Vidal.  Mrs. Wags was pretty impressed with Vidal's ability to walk on the beach in heels.  She has seen me walk on the beach in snorkeling fins, so she's pretty much an expert on awkward beach footwear.   After Vidal said she wanted to be with him forever, JP then followed up by saying he thinks she's pretty, but "everyone has to go home sometime."  Goodbye, Vidal.   After giving JP a piece of her mind, JP said, with relief, "I'm glad I didn't pick her."  Yes, Juan Pablo.  Release your anger.  Become the all-time Bachelor villain:

Nurse Nikki then arrived, ready and willing get engaged.  But we, the viewing audience, know better.  There has been no Neil Lane.  Therefore, there will be no proposal.  In easily the most anti-climactic finale in Bachelor history, JP said that he had a ring in his pocket, but he's not ready to propose.  JP then ended the season by giving Nikki the final rose.  

So I guess that's it.  See you next season.  

The Bachelor Episode 2: Juan Love

Juan for the money...

And two for Pablo!

Per tradition, I will be recapping while drinking whisky and eating ice cream.  Loyal readers may recognize this frequent combo and think to themselves, "Geez, it seems like you have a problem."  I don't think it is, but I do have a problem I need to confess: I listened to three Bachelor-related podcasts this week.  Yes, it's Monday.  That means I listened to three Bachelor-related podcasts today.      I'll start therapy after Juan Pablo finds the love of his life.

On to the recap...

The episode started off with the Dog Owner's dog still at the house going for a swim.  It's now clear that it is a service dog.  Legally, we may not ask any further questions about it.

First Solo Date: Vidal Sassoon

If you recall from last week, Vidal Sassoon has a DVD that her deceased father made to play for her future husband.  I'm a little scared, yet also a little hopeful, that she plays it for him on their first date.

Vidal really likes the way JP smells, comparing him to "heaven in a bottle."  I thought she could come up with something better considering how many actual fragrant bottles she works around.

J. Pablo planned a Los Angeles winter wonderland.  They sledded, played in some artificially snowy trees, and ice skated.  I just kept waiting for some washed up one-hit wonder band to show up so they could slow dance on ice skates.  But, alas, it never happened.  Would have been pretty big time if Fleiss and Co. had come up with THAT.  (Hire me ABC).

After revealing that her dad passed away, Vidal got a rose and a makeout sesh.  Vidal said JP tastes like "snow."  I'm starting to question her sense of smell.

I spoke too soon!  There was live music at the tail end of the date.


Back at the House

Free Spirit made a strong statement to the other women by going to in the hot tub topless.  If you call yourself a free spirit, toplessness is mandatory.

Second Solo Date: Kat

John Paul took Kat to a private jet. Kat said she is "having visions of jetsetting with her Latin lover."  Kat, I have bad news for you: JP collects autographed baseball bats to send to Venezuela.   I asked Jeeves what the yearly salary is for that job.  He answered:

The plane took them to an electric fun run (not sure what's fun about running at night wearing neon while high on ecstasy).  Brother Wags made a great point that it looked like they took a trip down rainbow road from Mario Kart.

They danced the whole "race," got on stage, and then Juan gave her a rose.   It was definitely the fewest number of words uttered on a date that ended with a rose.

Group Date: Science Chelsie, Kristy, Service Animal Kelly, 8 Mile Cassandra, Abbie Carmichael, Mama Renee, Mozart Lauren, Nanny Alli, Chantel, Nurse Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Happy Camper (I had to rewind five times to get these names down)

The date took them to a garage for a Bachelor photo shoot for charity.  That's the only kind of acceptable Bachelor photo shoot.  Somehow, they found a charity that pairs models with rescue dogs to save the dogs in the pound.  It's really lucky for Fleiss and Co. that a charity that features bikinis exists.

Service Animal Kelly got made up like an alien.  More specifically, an alien from a racist planet that wears black face.  Alf would not stand for this.

Abbie Carmichael and Teacher Elise were chosen for the nude photo shoot.  I can just imagine Fleiss and Co. in the production room.  Who should we force to go nude?  The free spirit that has already been naked twice this episode?  Nah.  How about the DA and the grade school teacher?!  Fleiss and Co. . . . ruining careers one episode at a time.

The organizer of the event assured the nude models that it's okay because it's a charity for the dogs.  Advice: never trust a guy who looks like he's from the Capital in the Hunger Games.

The date continued into the evening with rooftop drinks.  Former NBA Dancer/Current Makeup Artist Cassandra revealed that she has a two year old son.  As required, Juan Pablo said that is really great.

Shooting Star Victoria got wasted on the roof top.  I'm really sorry she's going to flame out and lose.  She's great.  She wants to "straddle Juan Pablo every day."*

* I use quotes there because she actually said that.

Mrs. Wags made the great call that she is a real life version of this SNL character:



Whisky update:  I'm finished.
Ice Cream update:  Finished a long time ago.

Let's get back to business.  All real Shooting Star Victoria quotes:
"Juan Pablo is my boyfriend."
"Today I gave him the hymen [sic] maneuver.  I saved his life."
"If you give someone the hymen maneuver, you're going to have to straddle them."
"Who's leg do I have to hump around here to get some one-on-one time?"

The Shooting Star went to a bathroom stall and started to lose her mind.  A Bachelor Superfan out of San Mateo (identity protected so he doesn't lose his job) pointed out that the under the bathroom stall camera angle is clearly an "homage to Citizen Kane."  If I had any whisky left, I might have laughed so hard that it would come out of my nose.

Shockingly, Service Animal Kelly got the date rose.

The next morning, JP confronted the Shooting Star about her behavior.  She said that she had fun on the date until her "bathroom issue."  She apologized, but it was not good enough.  JP sent her home because she can't be around Ricki.  I mean Ty.  Oh, of course, it's Camila.   Victoria lived her Bachelor life like a candle in the wind.  She'll be missed.

Rose Ceremony

Amy Local did a mock local news interview with JP.  It felt very local.  Like, she might even be an intern.

Pavarotti apologized for not being more excited about the first impression rose last week.  She seems like she has a PhD while the rest of the women have GEDs.  Good news for the rest of the women: Juan Pablo also has a GED.

8 Mile Cassandra was very sad about being away from her son.  Juan Pablo convinced her to stay.  He must want to get all the autographs from the NBA teams she danced for.

Joining Vidal, Kat, and Service Animal with roses are:
8 Mile
Nurse Nikki
Abbie Carmichael
Teacher Elise
Pavarotti (Will you accept this rose?  "Sure" - - - yikes)
Mama Renee
Psych Nurse Danielle
Happy Camper
Alison
Science Chelsie
Mozart Lauren
Christie

Goodbye Amy Local and Chantel.

Until next week, with way more making out.