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| The Next Bachelor |
Hans
Kaitlyn gave the date rose to Hans, almost taunting the other guys.
Hans arrived to meet the guys and received a predictably chilly reception. Tanner Dog broke the ice by noting that the tabloids said Hans hung out with Andi a few weeks ago. Though the guys are not allowed to watch TV or make phone calls, apparently they are allowed to read all issues of US Weekly and People.
Welder Josh then tried to take on Hans. The Welder seemed troubled by Hans calling Kaitlyn a "cool chick," while he sees her as an "amazing woman." It seems like a nit picky distinction. Mrs. Wags observed that Welder Josh is an "industrial" welder and is used to dealing with massive tools. Boom Hans.
Cocktail Party
All of the guys went to Citi Field for the cocktail party. Citi Field is used to housing baseball players that are losers, so it should accommodate the Bachelorette contestants with ease.
Speaking of losers, Federal JJ decided to run around the bases carrying Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn asked to touch "home base." Not much baseball in Canada, eh?
Ugly Gosling, deeply troubled and unnecessarily threatened by Hans, told Kaitlyn that he wished she were smarter and should not have brought Hans back. Since when is intelligence a valued trait on this show? (Sidenotes: Mrs. Wags pointed out that the ugly duckling became the swan in the end. Also, clams have the highest amount of iron of any food. She's having trouble focusing).
Mid-show Rose Ceremony
In the freezing cold polar vortex rose ceremony, Chris Harrison made the briefest appearance in recent memory. Joining Dr. Harris DDS, Justin, and Chris Quinn with roses was:
Role Models Ben
Trainer Ben
Ugly Gosling
Tanner Dog
American Pharaoh Joe
Hit n Run Ian
Federal Prisoner JJ
Welder Josh
Hans
Ice skating back to the hotel roseless was Detroit Jonathan, Realtor Ryan, and One of the Two Coreys.
In an effort to get out of the heat (and save some production money), Fleiss & Co. decided to take the show to San Antonio. I can't wait to learn about San Antonio, because all I know right now is the river walk, the Alamo, and Tim Duncan.
Solo Date #1: Role Models Ben
Welder Josh saw them drive off on their date and said he really missed his truck. I feel similarly about my car.
Kaitlyn drove Role Model to a classic dance hall in order to learn how to dance. Later that night, they were scheduled to dance in a two-step competition later that night. I hope Role Models takes to dancing better than me. After two months of dance lessons in preparation for Mrs. Wags and my first dance, I still biffed it.
The live band thankfully played songs that included instructions in the words (slow....quick, quick....slow). I love songs that have dance instructions.
The date continued to a rooftop dinner. With the requisite amount of Chardonnay and a strong rooftop breeze, Role Model opened up about past relationships. When asked if he's ready for commitment since he's only 26, Role Models responded that there's always a lot of fear when starting a relationship. Really? Fear? I only experience fear when watching a preview of The Whispers or when Lebron drives to the hoop.
Role Models earned the date rose.
Group Date: Justin, Chris Quinn Jared, Hit n Run Ian, Dr. Harris DDS, Tanner Dog, American Pharaoh Joe, Federal JJ, Trainer Ben, Welder Josh, and Hans
The date started off with a 12 year old mariachi singer named Sebastian De La Cruz serenading Kaitlyn. I thought he looked familiar. I was right. Remember this?
Kaitlyn challenged the guys to mariachi serenade her. It was a given that they were all going to be terrible. At least they all gave max effort.
The evening portion of the date was at a ranch house. Welder Josh decided to let Kaitlyn cut his hair. Kaitlyn, apparently a very amateur barber, may never work for Vidal Sassoon, but she definitely could be the best stylist at SuperCuts.
Welder Josh decided to air his Hans-grievances with Kaitlyn. Experienced fans know this is the kiss-of-death.
When Kaitlyn entered the room to confront the guys, all of them stood up. Though this is probably out of respect, it would be awesome to have Chris Harrison standing by as the Bachelorette-Bailiff. When Kaitlyn enters the room, Harrison booms "All rise. Hear Ye. Hear Ye. I present the Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe. You may be seated."
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| With Neil Lane as Judge Harry Crane |
Solo Date #2: Ugly Gosling
If you're wondering why Mrs. Wags has not chimed in recently, it's because she's been asleep for the last hour.
The date was kayaking down the river. Kaitlyn said she had never been kayaking before. This was shocking to me at first, but then I realized that maybe I've just been brought up so privileged to think that everyone has kayaked of course. This requires a poll for me to sort out my life.
On the date, Ugly Gosling revealed that he got in a bad car accident, barely survived, and recently started wearing seat belts. Ugly confessed that it's hard to let your guard down and fall in love. I just had a weird realization: this show feels like a romantic comedy; almost scripted. Do you think it's possible that the contestants on this show are all aspiring actors? Nah. Neil Lane would never allow it.
To no one's surprise, Ugly Gosling got a date rose.
Back at the House
Wasting no time, Hit n Run Ian delivered the QOTN: "I don't understand why Kaitlyn wouldn't want a Princeton graduate, former model, that defied death and has been around the world a couple times." Maybe she's looking for a guy with some humility. You don't hear Ugly Gosling bragging about how he once beat 10 levels of Candy Crush in one day.
Cocktail Party #2
Chris Quinn Jared said he's falling in love with Kaitlyn. It sure seems like guys are pulling the love-trigger a little early this season.
Hit n Run Ian topped of his previous QOTN with another dandy: "I have a lot of sex." Well then.
Hit n Run decided to go out with "guns blazing." He told Kaitlyn that he's done with guys making "fart jokes, poop jokes, and sex jokes." He then called her shallow and accused her of having nothing below the surface.
For the fourth week in a row...to be continued until next week.
Posts
These continued episodes bring up a question. Are we really on episode 6 or the 3 extension to episode 3? Are we in a post-quil? Pre-quil? I need my day-quil!
ReplyDeleteOutside of the Hit-n-Run Ian meltdown, the two-step singer was my personal favorite moment. Did you read the wikipedia? It provides this gem: "Watson grew up in poverty outside of Pasadena, Texas." Of course he did.
At the time of my reading, kayakers have a 100% of the vote. Dugan and the Mrs. D actually went kayaking a few weeks ago in a local park with Brother Dugan and Mrs. BD as an escape from the little Ds. I need my D-Quil again.
There have not been enough cuts on the one-on-ones. The producers need to send her on a one-on-one with a guy that will be cut. Too predictable that Role Models and Ugly would get the roses. With the obvious loss of Hit-n-Run Ian next week, should we change the Ugly Gosling to The "Hit n Run Ugly" or "Hit n Run Gosling." So many tough choices.
By the way, Mrs. Dugan's cousin stopped by the house this week and they discussed the blog. Specifically, the nicknames and they were very well received. She's an 8th grader. That's our target audience. We are huge with 8th grade girls. Our dreams have come true. 20 years too late.
Until next week when Hit n Run Ian officially gets run over.