The Bachelorette(s) Episode 5 Recap: The Gif that Keeps on Giving

We pick up this episode where we left the last. Tension building in the house and most of it dealing with Clint/Thor. Every guy but Federal JJ appears to be narcing on Thor and our Bachelorette has had enough.

It boils down to this for Kaitlyn: “This is not someone I want to marry.” Thor is out the door and Kaitlyn explains it to the guys. Out of nowhere, JJ thrusts the knife into Thor’s back demanding he apologize to the guys.

Et tu, Federal JJ?

While it was tough to see the bromance breakup, the parting shot was a highlight. Thor insulted Federal JJ’s tie on the way out! Ouch.

Kaitlyn needs more time and the rose ceremony is cancelled. It’s time to hit the road and New York, New York is stop No. 1.

New York Rap Battle

It’s a Group Date with Detroit Jonathon, Other Trainer Justin, Trainer Ben, Realtor Ryan, One of the Two Coreys, Tanner Dog, Federal JJ, and The Ugly Gosling.

Doug E. Fresh is introduced as The World’s Greatest Entertainer. I start to question that moniker until I realize he sang la di da di AND he’s hosting the Bachelor/ette’s first Rap Battle. If there’s something Wags and I know as well as the Bachelor/ette, it’s Rap Battles. Living in the mean streets of 7 1/3 will do that to you.

We lived here. Seriously. 7 1/3 for life.

And we saw 8 mile in the theaters.

Ugly Gosling v. Other Trainer Justin

Coreys v. JJ

Ben v. Tanner Dog

Detroit Jonathan v. Realtor Ryan

Rap Battle Highlights:

• Fed JJ has never listened to any rap. This is an absurd statement. Never? Not even accidentally? Not in a movie soundtrack? He then makes another, almost as absurd statement: he prefers broadway show tunes. How’d that work out in prison, JJ? I bet he kept that to himself. I’ve seen Orange is the New Black, so I know what its like to be in prison.
• This is by far the whitest and highest percentage women crowd in rap battle crowd history.
• The crowd does include one male, Hans.
• And Mrs. Dugan points out who Hans is with. The Maculate Virgin. This is a hall of fame nickname couple.
• Kaitlyn dropped a funny line about it being the first rap battle with two guys in khakis.
• The guys have an after party on a boat. My favorite rappers on a boat? Easy call.

The night fell flat as the guys began to fear Hans entering the fray. Most of the guys did not approve, Other Trainer Justin didn’t mind and that secured the rose.

Hans and Maculate Virgin were not the only cameos as Crazy Ashley jumps in to offer thoughts on Hans. She was surprisingly lucid.

Hans Nick B. Rain Cloud

One on One with Chris Quinn Jared

We get formal clothing and The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Sadly, my photoshop of the old Jordan v. Bird video game is more exciting than this date.

A Neil Lane reference tugs at our emotions, and we get a helicopter ride.

Chris Quinn: “You’ve never been on a helicopter?”

Kaitlyn:  “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Why is that not shocking despite Kaitlyn’s lengthy run on the Bachelor? Were they going to show sweeping views of Arlington, Iowa?

Broadway Group Date

Hit n Run Ian, Dr. Harris DDS, American Pharoah, Welder Josh, and Role Models Ben have to sing and dance and act to get on the main Aladdin stage.

“Oh Dear God” from Welder Josh is my QOTN.

Highlights

• American Pharoah is similarly concerned and absolutely becoming a Dugan favorite. He has no chance to win but I want him to go far.
• Mrs. Dugan pointed out ABC’s cross-promotional reach having Scandal’s Cyrus Beane judge the Disney play auditions. Beane dropped this when reviewing Dr. Harris DDS: “I don’t think he’s mocking it. I just don’t think he knows what he’s doing”

• Dr. Harris gets the rose and teaches us that the New Year’s Even Times Square Ball is the Centerpiece of the universe. It is?

Justin, Chris Quinn, and Dr. Harris are safe. And so is everyone else since rose ceremonies don’t happen anymore. Until next week when Hans busts in the group.