The Bachelorette(s) Episode 4 Recap: Two Days Late, Many Dollars Short

Dear Fans,

The four of you are probably wondering why this week's recap is two days late.  I apologize, as I was on vacation in New York.  Strangely, it was impossible to convince my family on the East coast to allow a few hours on our long weekend trip to blog the Bachelorette.  They did not want to see how the sausage is made.  Speaking of sausage, let's watch the show.

Sincerely,

Wags (with ice cream and whiskey in hand)


We resume this week with the Human Meltdown, King Kupah.  While he was screaming in the driveway about how the process was not for him, he unleashed a QOTN nominee, "[This process] might be for Cupcake."  It would not be the first time a guy nicknamed Cupcake had done well on the Bachelorette.  Please refer back to 2011.  Dugan and I have been at this for a long time, and we're not getting any younger.

From our college days

Last Week's Rose Ceremony Continued

After King Kupah left not-so-quietly, Kaitlyn (the second most popular reality show Kaitlyn/Caitlyn this week), had to get back to business.  Chris Quinn Jared boggled my mind when he said, "nobody doesn't want to see Kaitlyn anymore."  It is an even harder statement to understand when written down.  His declaration might have given me a mild concussion.  

Roses went to:

Chris Quinn Jared (Second guy on the show with a shiner)

Role Models Ben H.

Ugly Gosling Shawn

Detroit Jonathan

Tanner Dog

Dr. Harris, DDS

Realtor Ryan

Justin (Maybe also has a black eye?  Fleiss & Co. really blew it with the boxing challenge)

Hit and Run Ian

Welder Josh

American Pharaoh Joe

One of the Two Coreys

Tony The Dude (I thought he was going home for sure.  He was happy to go home to his bonsai trees (he really said this).  The Dude then deeply stated, "I see the world through the eyes of a child, have the heart of a warrior, and a gypsy soul."  For those keeping track at home, we're 12:30 into the show and we have ANOTHER QOTN nominee.)

Joining King Kupah in the goodbye limo was Fashion Designer Daniel and The Other Corey That Has a Daughter and Needs to Get Home to Her.  

Now this week's episode can finally begin with...

SUMO WRESTLING!!!

Group Date #1: Dr. Harris, DDS, Tony The Healer (Mrs. Wags thought the sumo wrestler pronouncing his name said Donny.  I thought he said Thonny.  But that's not a real name), Federal JJ, Ugly Gosling, Clint, and American Pharaoh Joe 

While the theme of this season seems to be how much Fleiss and Co. can physically abuse the guys, at least Trainer Ben is not on the date to destroy the guys.  

Once Federal Prisoner JJ got in his sumo underpants, he showed off a rather large shoulder tattoo.  I know where he got it:

Prison

The guys had to take on sumo wrestlers that were supposedly real and supposedly good.  I say "supposedly," because what are they doing on a reality show in LA if they're good?  I have a feeling Lebron and Curry don't do reality shows in Finland.

Predictably, the guys got demolished.  The Dude thought he was going to dominate, but he not only got slapped around, but the sumo guy laughed at him while slapping him in the head.  It was thoroughly embarrassing.  The Dude then got in an argument with Kaitlyn about all of the aggressive challenges.  

As the The Dude's drama dragged on, I continued to ponder Federal Prisoner JJ's tattoos.  I now believe they look less prisoner-y and more:

I think I see this guy on my commute

The date continued with the guys in a round-robin sumo tournament.  Thor Clint lived up to his nickname and dominated the competition.  The Dude decided to skip the contest and then head home to his bonsai trees.  But before he left, he wanted one last word with Kaitlyn (i.e. one last opportunity to prove that he is Bachelor in Paradise material).  Without much of a fight, Kaitlyn let The Dude go home.

Maybe I want a bonsai house

Ugly Gosling made the wise choice to avoid any date drama, and he earned the date rose for it.

Solo Date #1: Trainer Ben

The date, planned by Chris Harrison, took them to a mysterious warehouse.  At first, they were locked in a room with pigeons.  First, gross.  Second, Kaitlyn is scared of birds.  Third, can you really be scared of birds if you have these tattoos?

Put a bird on it

Kaitlyn shuddered at the sound  of birds.  Once inside the room, the birds seemed like the least of their concerns.  They were in a room of horrors; severed limbs, ghosts, blood.  Somehow, it kind of reminded me of Legends of the Hidden Temple.

I loved this show.

Eventually, they got out of the house.  It was never really in question because if the going got tough, Trainer Ben could just punch a hole through the wall.

After revealing that he has not cried in eleven years, Trainer Ben got the date rose.  Prediction: Trainer Ben will cry for the first time in eleven years on this season of the Bachelorette.

Group Date #2: Detroit Jonathan, Role Models Ben, Welder Josh, Realtor Ryan, Chris Quinn Jared, and Tanner Dog

The last date of the episode started in a elementary school sex ed classroom.  Needless to say, this was not my experience at Catholic junior high.  The only rule I knew growing up was to leave room for the Holy Spirit.

The runaway QOTN winner came from Welder Josh: "Everything I learned about sex was from watching our cows."

The guys started teaching anatomy, and all of the kids seemed grossed out.  The class atmosphere got a little strange during the Q&A with the students.  The kids started asking questions that were pretty advanced.  And by "advanced," I mean "I can't print any of them in our lightly-read blog."  

It turned out that the guys and the viewers were actually being pranked.  The kids were all child actors made to ask these uncomfortable questions.  I guess it was okay that they were child actors, but it kind of reminded me of Vice's Kids Telling Dirty Jokes videos (I laugh at them, and then feel bad).  

Back at the house, Fleiss & Co. convinced Thor Clint and Federal Prisoner JJ to pretend that they might be falling in love with each other, an obvious ploy to get attention from US Weekly.  

On the date, Kaitlyn had a slow dance on a corporate building roof (Bachelor staple) with Chris Quinn.  She said he's the most manly in the house.  Nothing says manly like a guy that can't grow and beard and wears flair to work.  Much to Quinn's surprise, Role Models Ben got the date rose.

The Second Rose Ceremony

(Unrelated side note: I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight after accidentally watching a commercial for the new ABC horror show The Whispers).

Thor Clint became one of the more unique villains in reality dating show history by admitting that he has no interest in Kaitlyn, but continuing to pursue her because he wants to stay on the show in order to hang out more with Federal Prisoner JJ.  

All of the guys dished on Thor Clint.  Kaitlyn went to confront him for more drama, and then....

...continued to next week.

Until next week, when Dugan continues to sell the drama.

Did you know today is Mrs. Dugan's birthday?

Yes

Well, it is.

Poll Maker