The Bachelorette Episode 8: Dallas First, Fantasy Later

In this penultimate* blog post and my last post of the season, I am going big: Old Potrero Straight Rye and mint chip ice cream.  I also wanted to take a moment to compliment Fleiss & Co. on a successful season.  The characters on the show this season did not fit into simple stereotypes.  They have an African-American bachelorette that likes white men.  They had an African-American contestant (Will) that doesn't like African-American women.  And there was an African-American contestant (Eric No Ties) that has never even had a girlfriend of any race.

*Confession, I had to look up "penultimate" to make sure I was using it correctly.  Like the word "condone," I can never quite remember what it means off the top of my head.

Enough compliments for Fleiss & Co., it's time to go to Spain and accept Mr. Harrison's date card offer...

But before the big trip, the guys went to Dallas to face Rachel's family.  Will we get to meet her dad, the famous, mysterious judge?  All judges around the country are anxiously watching to find out.

Peter Badger got to meet Rachel's family first.  Before going into Rachel's parents' Dallas mansion with GIANT doors, Badger said he was falling in love with her.  She replied, "I'm falling in love with you too."  Whoa.  We Bachelor historians call this a "BHigg."  Past Bachelor Ben Higgins told two women he was in love.

Justice Kagan was especially sad to learn that Judge Rachel's Dad could not be there to meet any of the men.  I love that he continues to refuse to be on the show.  Thankfully, Rachel's sister Constance is willing show up.  It's good to have her back.  She's one of the best Bachelor siblings, even if she is married to this guy:

Peter Badger, still nervous about committing to Rachel, did not ask for Mrs. Lindsay's permission to marry her.  She tried to spin this as a good thing, but I'm not convinced.  He seems like he is going to crumble as the show continues.  

Eric No Ties got the next opportunity with the Lindsays.  Unfortunately for No Ties, I think his biggest obstacle to winning Rachel's heart is that his fashion-beard is the patchiest of the three remaining men.  Mr. Harrison requires cool beards if you want to be in the finale.  

This is how we do it.  

No Ties met Rachel's family.  They don't like him.  They don't think Rachel likes him.  It's too bad because he's easily my favorite.  Eric has made a strong push here in the end.

Eric asked Mrs. Lindsay for permission to marry Rachel.  Mrs. Lindsay said he had her blessing assuming Rachel was into him.  A very indirect yes at best.  

Bryan NipTuck was our final Dallas family introduction, but he was the first guy that got to meet Rachel's friends.  This is further proof that NipTuck is going to win it all.  

NipTuck got his "doctorate" at the University of Florida.  This is a double whammy.  First, chiropractors are not doctors.  Second, Gators are not welcome on this blog.  Right, Dugan?

At the Lindsay house, NipTuck is this season's no-one-talks-like-that-in-real-life guy.  I'll bet Tim Tebow is like this too.  Rachel's sister could sense NipTuck's BS style.

Marry my sister?

NipTuck described their relationship as an "expedited situation."  The more he talks, the weirder he gets.  

Mrs. Lindsay was also not so sure about NipTuck.

Marry my daughter?

NipTuck asked permission to marry Rachel.  Again, an indirect yes from Mrs. Lindsay.  Fleiss & Co. planted a seed doubt with NipTuck, but we can't be fooled.  He will win.

Finally, we're off to Spain.  There are only 45 minutes of the show left.  Maybe this is not the penultimate episode.  It could be the antepenultimate episode (I definitely had to look that one up).  

Eric No Ties got the first fantasy date.  Mr. Harrison, MIA on this episode, arranged for a helicopter.  Eric declared, "Big Rach.  Big E.  It's our time again."  

Wait, was Biggie rapping about the Bachelor?

The date started in the La Rioja region of Spain.  Then, they were near the ocean.  I did a quick google maps search to determine that the La Rioja region of Spain is landlocked.  Mrs. Wags refocused my attention to the TV, noting "If you spend all your time fact checking, you're going to miss them falling in love."  Mrs. Wags definitely believes in true love.

After reading the date card, No Ties delivered the QOTN.  Speaking about Mr. Harrison, No Ties said, "That guy...is awesome."

Peter Badger  was up next.  They went to a winery.  Raquel y Pedro received a wine cellar in Spain as a gift.  They each got a key.  Prediction: they are never going back there.  Mrs. Wags and I studied abroad in Madrid.  Since our time there, we have been to many other European countries, but never back to Spain.  It's a good thing we do not have a wine fridge waiting for us back in Madrid.  

In the evening portion of the date, Rachel said she's not in this to have a boyfriend.  Badger, on the other hand, believes that he only wants to be engaged in order to set a wedding date and start picking cake flavors.  And he said he's not ready to be Badger-style engaged with Rachel just yet.

Rachel thinks it may not work out...and....TO BE CONTINUED.  Please let there be more than 45 seconds of Neil Lane.

The Bachelorette Episode 6: Almost Home

After doing some brewery visits yesterday, I am not in the mood for whiskey.  Tonight will be ice cream only.  My inability to recover quickly from more than two beers makes me realize I'm not as young as I used to be.  Come to think of it, I don't recover very well from a large burrito, lifting weights, more than 20 minutes in the sun, or four hours of the Bachelorette in one week.  So let's start the show...a simple two hours of the Bachelorette powered by mint chip.

One more and I'm in trouble

The crew headed to beautiful Geneva, Switzerland.  I was trying to think of a Geneva Conventions joke, but it's very difficult to make up something about humanitarian treatment of non-combatants in a time of war.

This is the last week before hometowns.  As though we just started watching this show this season, every guy reminds us how important it is to get a one on one date.  

Solo Date #1: Nip Tuck Bryan

Nip Tuck, front runner from the first episode, got another solo date.  He's running away with this contest and can only lose if he has a secret (divorce, current girlfriend, strange friends on his hometown, makeout with a member of the production staff).

The date started with a drive in a Bentley.  Who cares?  Not me.  There's only one car that would get me feeling romantic.

Mrs. Wags said we could get one!!!

Nip Tuck seems like a major favorite, and the other guys know it.  

As predicted above, Nip Tuck's last girlfriend broke up with him because she didn't like his mom.  GET READY FOR NEXT WEEK!

We named our dog after this all-time crappy mom

Nip Tuck got a rose.

Solo Date #2: 90210 Dean

90210 was nervous because if he gets a rose, he brings her home to his family, and he doesn't get along with his family.  

90210's date started out with a trip to Catholic Mass.  If he's lucky, they will get donuts afterward.  And they DID!  Catholics everywhere love donuts!

Rachel told 90210 that she wants to learn more about his life and who he is.  90210 replied, "Do you believe in the tooth fairy?" and "What's your favorite dinosaur?"  He's almost trying not to get a rose. Also, my answers to his questions are "no" and "stegosaurus."

At dinner, Rachel confronted 90210 for being off all day.  Finally, 90210 came out and explained, "my family is not the kind of family you're going to want to see."  9-0 said his dad has become "quite a bit more eccentric."  Please give 9-0 a rose.  I really want to see what this guy is all about.  Annnnnd...yes he got a rose.  We now get Nip Tuck's mom and 9-0's dad.

See you next week!

Solo Date #3: Peter Badger

Badger and Rachel started the date with a jumping hug.  She might be the first African-American Bachelor/ette, but she's the 175th contestant to do jumping hugs.  

They took a helicopter and went dogsledding on "Glacier 3000."  

You say it's puppy love, I say it's full grown.

In the evening portion of the date, they had dinner in a well-lit palace at a tiny table.  Peter told some weird story about breaking up with his ex-girlfriend and he got all weepy about it.  Rachel, solid as a rock, thought it seemed a little off.  She's great at reading situations that are a little off in the moment they are happening.

Peter Badger got a rose.

Group Date: Eric No Ties, Happy Feet Matt, Adummy

Mrs. Wags drops the QOTN:  "These guys are all a waste of time...because they are all unattractive." 

Mrs. Wags follows up her QOTN with another gem: "They look like the guys who are the 'normal guys' in Cosmo magazine that answer dumb questions about what they look for in a lady: 'I love it when my girlfriend cooks me dinner.'"  

Adummy started off the date by asserting that his relationship with her is stronger than anyone else's in the house.  That's some irrational confidence.

They all took a boat ride to France.  Eric No Ties got some alone time and made some solid speeches to Rachel about how brave she is.  He announced that he's "not afraid anymore."

In his alone time, Happy Feet Matt got sent home.  Strangely, she walked him out and said goodbye with a few kisses on the lips.  That's an odd way to break up with someone.  I'm sad to see him go from a receding hairline perspective.  It's tough for me personally when a fellow member of the bald community gets his heart broken.  

The battle for 4th place ended with a rose for Eric No Ties.  Adummy is headed home.  

Looks like some pretty wild hometown dates next week!

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Auto-Corrected

It's been two weeks since Rachel's last search for love.  These have been a busy two weeks: the Warriors are NBA champs, and Bachelor in Paradise no longer exists.  More importantly, Mrs. Wags bought me a new bottle of Old Potrero Rye for Father's Day AND went to the new amazon.com supermarket to get me ice cream!  I'm ready to start the show.

Find this, buy this

We picked up at the rose ceremony and the Robert E. Lee vs Eric fight.  Eric, concerned that his "name is in Robert E. Lee's mouth," is likely jumpstarting Robert E. Lee's racism.

90210 Dean thinks Lee is "kind of a . . . . . biiitch?"  

Zoolander Eric, lightly defending Robert Lee, said that people have their "quorks." (No, auto-correct, I meant to write quorks.) 

Quorky

Nip Tuck Bryan saved the day with a makeout session.  He's a major favorite.  

Kenny Boom and Robert E. had a yelling match over interrupting conversations with Rachel.  Robert E. said the fight would not put a "tear in his beer."  Unfortunately, the fight caused some sobs due to Rachel's heartthrobs. (I stink at rhyming with words related to crying.)

Joining the Urban Cowboy, Eric, and Russian Alex with roses were:

Will
90210 Dean
Elmo Jonathan
Peter Badger
Adummy
Nip Tuck Bryan
Penguin Matt
Josiah Satz
JackStone
IggyNotDiggy
Kenny Boom
Robert E. Lee (Good work, Fleiss & Co. for forcing her to do that)

Goodbye Firefighter Bryce, Zoolander, and Teach Me How to Diggy

The date portion of the show was in Hilton Head Island.  Confession: I had no idea Hilton Head was an island.  Maybe I should have taken it easier on Zoolander.

1-on-1: 90210 Dean

Dean's nickname inspired Mrs. Wags and me to watch the original Beverly Hills 90210 (I never watched the first few seasons; Mrs. Wags is a super fan).  It's really good.  Dylan is the best.  And he looks even better now.

Solid power alleys

The date started with a ride in the Goodyear Blimp.  90210 is scared of heights and was kind of freaking out about the ride.  Good thing he didn't see this news from a few days ago.  

The blimp buzzed the other guys back at the hotel.  The guys acted like a Red Dawn Russian attack was imminent.  

In the evening portion of the date, 90210 revealed that his mom died from breast cancer when he was 16 and then his family fell apart.  We as the audience now want to give 90210 a hug.  Rachel gave him the rose followed by a Russell Dickerson concert.  As usual, I had to consult Bro Wags to figure out who he is.  Here was his text response:

"I just listened to his "hit" called "Yours."  I mean, kind of sounds perfect for a show centered around love like the bachelorette. But it does sound like many other country love songs. Afraid I don't know this dude."

Fleiss & Co. are really scraping the bottom of the barrel if Bro Wags has not heard of a country singer.  

Group Date: Russian Alex, Urban Cowboy, Peter Badger, Nip Tuck Bryan, Elmo, Dummy, Kenny Boom, Penguin Matt, Robert E. Lee, IggyNoMoreDiggy, Eric, Will, and Josiah Satz

The big group date started on a boat. All I want is for one contestant to sing an "I'm On a Boat" lyric:


I'm riding on a dolphin, doing flips and sh*t

The dolphin's splashing, getting everybody all wet

But this ain't Sea World, this is real as it gets

I'm on a boat, motherfu!ker, don't you ever forget


Instead of singing, the boat ride included a push-up competition and rap session. The date continued with an appearance from Mr. Harrison leading a spelling bee! YESSSSS.

Some of the biggest goof-ups:
Eric spelled "facade" p-h-y-s-d-e
Peter Badger spelled "coitus" q-u-i-q-u-e
Josiah Satz won gracefully.

In the evening portion, Rachel revealed to Peter Badger that she's also licensed to practice law in Wisconsin. She's passed at least two bar exams, easily making her the smartest Bachelor or Bachelorette of all time (Jake Pavelka and Juan Pablo are in a two-way race for least intelligent).

Iggy the Rat spent his time with Rachel to rip on Josiah Satz (probably only a lawyer in one state...weak!). The Rat then ratted on himself and told Satz.

Josiah Satz delivered my QOTN: "With all due respect, Iggy's a bitch." That's a strong statement after giving all the respect that one is due.

Peter Badger doesn't like Robert E. Lee because he speaks in a way that's "disingenuine." Leave me alone auto-correct, I'm trying to write a Bachelorette blog post!

Kenny Boom confronted Robert E. Lee, but...to be continued for Dugan...

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Dirty Dogs

In preparation for this Bachelorette season, I won a bottle of whiskey at an auction.  Dugan and I are lawyers...that's how we roll...or at least that's how Dugan could possibly roll.  Actually, come to think of it, I probably shouldn't be rolling at any auctions at all.  And neither should Dugan.  We have mouths to feed and mortgages to pay and flowers to buy our wives.  If we've learned anything from blogging for nearly a decade, it's that flowers are appreciated.  In my case, ice cream is appreciated too, especially on Monday nights.

On to the show...

This is going to be challenging.  I only remember the guys with good nicknames.  

Harrison explained the rules of how one-on-one dates and group dates work.  In case you just arrived from a 15 year stay on the International Space Station, you probably already know how this show works.  

Group Date #1: Dean, Jackstone, Johnathan Elmo, Sex Pistol Blake, IggyNotDiggy, Kenny, Bad Kid Fred, and Lucas Whaboom

The date started off with a touch football game.  I didn't think Rachel would be ready for gametime in a short dress, but she promptly started running the hurry-up offense.  Notre Dame might need her at QB.  

The date shifted to Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis introducing the next competition. Mrs. Wags was folding laundry and half paying attention.  Mrs. Wags asked which former Bachelor couple they were.  I had to inform her that she was looking at one of the most famous whiskey makers in all of the world.  

The guys had to compete in tasks such as changing a baby, pulling hair out of a drain, and vacuuming.  Dean had never held a baby before.  Seems like husband material.  

Strangely, when they had to change a fake diaper, ABC blurred out the fake poopy diaper.  Mrs. Wags  is convinced it must real poop.  

Kutcher theorized that none of these guys will win.  Since Whaboom won the contest, Kutcher is probably onto something.  (Also, Kutcher pitted his t-shirt.  This made me like him just a little more.)

The evening portion of the date, Sex Pistol revealed that he knows Whaboom from a "previous encounter."  Maybe something on Craigslist?  Sex Pistol might be more annoying than Whaboom.  And that's saying something to be worse than a producer-pick.  

Sex Pistol, an "aspiring drummer," dropped the first not-there-for-the-right-reasons to Rachel regarding Whaboom.  This was probably the earliest wrong-reasons backstab in Bachelor history.  

Mrs. Wags thinks Dean has 90210 hair and looks like Brandon Walsh.  "90210 Dean." 

Nice call, Mrs. Wags

Quote of the night from Kenny: "I'm a pro wrestler.  I know all about white dudes acting crazy."   

90210 Dean took the rose.  I asked Mrs. Wags if there were any African-American women on 90210. It turns out Dean's doppleganger once dated an African-American woman.  

One of these actors went on to have a big career.

One-on-One #1: Peter Badger

The date started off with an extra guest; Rachel's gimpy dog.  They flew to Palm Springs to go to Bark Fest, a dog-friendly pool party sponsored by Bark Box.  So far, this might be the worst date in Bachelor history.  

The date did not get much better in the evening portion.  Badger and Rachel compared reasons for why they have gap-teeth. After nearly a decade of wearing braces, this conversation is thankfully meaningless to me.  

Badger got the date rose.  Rachel seems pretty into him. 

Group Date #2: Will Urkel, American Psycho Jamey, TeachmehowtoDiggie, Alex, Adamummy, Robert E. Lee, Happy Feet Matt, Eric, Mike Satz Josiah, DeMario

The date started at a basketball court.  Based on Rachel's shooting, I'm guessing she played high school basketball.  Fun fact: Dugan and I co-coached a women's intramural basketball team in college.  Dugan worked the refs pretty hard.  

Kareem showed up to help out.  Robert E. Lee said Kareem is "the guy of basketball."  Based on that statement and the way he played, it's pretty clear that he knows nothing about basketball.

We all know there's only one answer for who the "guy of basketball" is:

DeMario was easily the best basketball player of the group.  He can drop-step dunk.  We could have used him on our women's intramural team.

During a basketball game between the guys, a woman approached Rachel and said she's DeMario's girlfriend.  DeMario pretended that he didn't know who she was.  Ex-girlfriend then swore on her father's grave and her kitten's life that he never broke up with her.  Surprisingly, the girl wearing a scrunchy on her wrist was telling the truth.  DeMario got the boot.

In the evening portion of the date, the mood was somber.  Alex sang to her in Russian.  Trainer Eric made out with Rachel.  I'm still undecided on which one was harder to watch.

Mike Satz Josiah got the date rose.

Rose Ceremony

Demario tried to crash the rose ceremony.  The security guard had to go speak to "Mr. Harrison."  YESSS.  Easily my favorite moment of the episode.

Mr. Harrison asked Rachel if she wanted to see DeMario.  Rachel decided to go talk to him because she was "curious" about what he had to say (also known as Fleiss and Co. made her do it).

Predictably, TO BE CONTINUED...

The Bachelor Episode 10: Finnish Fantasy

Whiskey and ice cream for me tonight.   I'm as predictable as one of the contestants accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite.  My whiskey is as neat as Harrison's handwriting on a date card.  My ice cream is as cold as a March day in Finland.  

On the Bachelor, fantasy suite dates equal romance; for me, it's Mrs. Wags reading Pinterest while I recap the episode.  You should see us on Tuesday nights!

Just add the dog, and it's us tomorrow night

We resume the episode on It's So Raven's dream date in a yurt.  Everyone wants to know the answer to the big question: did Raven get there for the first time?  

Well, everyone except her POOR PARENTS.  Her dad, fresh off finding out that he's cancer-free, now has to find out on national television that his daughter did I.T. with Hans.  

Bachelorette Rachel

Rachel said being in Finland is like Narnia.  This statement clearly showed that she's a lawyer because all lawyers are big nerds deep down (and sometimes not so deep down . . . as I look at myself  in the mirror.). 

Hans got his revenge on Rachel for taking him to church.  He took her cross-country skiing.  No comment. 

The ski trip took them to a reindeer petting zoo.  Way better than the usual goats that are guaranteed to bite you.  

I don't know Santa, and I will bite you.

In the evening portion of the date, Rachel struggled to tell Hans she loves him. After Hans told her to check her ego at the door and follow her heart, she said she's falling in love.  Like Van Morrison sang, 

"She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love
She give me love, love, love, love, ego-checked-at-the-door love"

Rachel said yes to the fantasy suite.  I'm still so curious how she's going to go out.  I really hope he proposes to her and she says no.

Special Ed Vanessa

The date started off with an ice plunge followed by a sauna.  According to Hans, this is Finnish tradition.  Apparently, "firm handshakes with eye contact and no supporting gestures" are also a Finnish tradition.  The fantasy suite just got way more boring.  

Yes, I will join you in the fantasy suite.

Fleiss & Co., again trying to throw us off the scent, showed Special Ed and Hans having tough conversations about their (in)compatibility and nationalities.  We all know she's going to win, and we've known this for a long time.  

Special Ed said yes to the fantasy suite.  A little champagne, fireplace, and snuggling solves everything.  

In the morning, Special Ed said the night in the fantasy suite has given her "more of an appreciation for who Nick is."  That's an artful way to put it.  

Rose Ceremony

HARRISON IS IN FINLAND.  After being marginalized all season, Fleiss & Co. gave Harrison his due and sent him to see the Northern Lights. 

Weepy Hans gave the first rose to That's So Raven.  

The final rose went to Special Ed Vanessa (obviously).  

I feel sorry for Rachel, but not all that sorry for Bachelorette Rachel.  She's getting what she came for (and what she deserves): her own season.   

Until next week when we get the real prize: Neil mf'n LANE!!!  

The Bachelorette Episode 4: JoJo's Blueberry and Paper Airplane Life

As the poet Ludacris once said, "Oh no, a fight's out.  I'm about to punch yo [sic] lights out."  While Ludacris was impolitely asking a woman to "get out the way," he might as well have been sending a prophetic warning to ED Evan.  Turd's cycling steroids like I'm cycling ice cream (butterscotch pecan) and whiskey.  Let's begin...

The episode picked up with Turd being forced to make nice with the other less-meaty meats. Turd's version of an apology was to say that he will give ED $20 for a new t-shirt.  ED just wanted Turd to promise that he won't be violent.  Turd could not even really promise that.

Pool Party and Rose Ceremony

Instead of a cocktail party, the guys and JoJo had a pool party.  Jim-Gym pulled a reverse Damn Daniel and jumped in the pool wearing a business suit.  The pool party then came to a screeching halt when ED Evan got a bloody nose in the pool.  I can only remember one other instance of a pool clearing out as quickly:

The pool day took a more serious turn when Turd accused all the guys of talking about him to JoJo (they were.)  

Turd very angry.  About to make explosion.

Turd confronted Harry Potter about talking about him.  Harry Potter tried to pull a Jedi mind trick and told Turd, "Perception is reality." Is that true?  I am going to have to think about that one. 

Turd said he does not watch the Bachelor/ette because he "has a job and a life."  So I'm guessing he doesn't also have a Bachelor Blog?  

At the Rose Ceremony, joining ED Evan, Sweet Baby, and Chase with roses, was:

Firefighter Grant

Harry Potter Derek

QB4

Robby

All 4 Wells

Jim-Gym (really falling in love with this nickname)

Vine Barbarino

Damn Daniel

Marine Devito

Turd

Goodbye Aladdin Ali  St. Nick, and Big Brother Christian.  Tough go for short guys.  Marine Devito is in trouble.  Mrs. Wags sadly says, "Who knew Santa could be so boring?"  JoJo ruined Christmas.

Great news!  The Bachelorette is leaving the mansion to a mystery location.  Bad news!  They're going to Pennsylvania.  The budget cuts are in full effect.

Solo Date #1: Cool Hand Luke

The date started with dog sledding on a wheeled cart.  Pennsylvania is such a wannabe Alaska.  The dogs dropped them off at a wood-fire hot tub in the forest.  Pennsylvania is confusing.  

The fire hot tub was an epic fail.  Not surprisingly, it is hard to control the temperature on wood burning hot tub.  JoJo burned herself.  

Something about Cool Hand seems a little off.  I think it's his eyes (I really like to look deeply into their eyes).  Then it hit me.  Because I've watched every Ashley Judd movie with Mrs. Wags multiple times, I realized who he looks like:

Is Cool Hand Luke also a war criminal?

Back at the house, Turd says you don't want to poke the "Chad Bear" because if he punches you, "you're head would explode."  Turd is like Harambe, a 400 pound gorilla that may need to be put down for the safety of others.  

Cool Hand Luke got a rose, but before the date ended, JoJo had one more surprise.  They went to a  Dan + Shay concert at the Palace in Allentown to slow dance in front of the audience.  I had to go an expert to figure out who Dan + Shay are:

Wags: Have you heard of Dan + Shay?

Brother Wags aka Little Wags: I have indeed.  They play solid, kind of Pop-esque country songs.

Wags: They were on the Bachelorette tonight.

Little Wags: Sell outs.  They're dead to me.   

Group Date: Harry Potter, Sweet Baby James, All 4 Wells, Damn Daniel, Chase Needs a Nickname, Jim-Gym, Vinny Barbarino, Ed Evan, Firefighter, QB4, and Robby

The guys went to Heinz Field, home of another notorious meathead, Ben Roethlisberger.  Big Ben, along with Hines Ward and Brett Keisel, put the guys through some football drills.    I wish Brett Keisel was on the show because he has a hairline that I can relate to.

My kind of guy

Back at the house, Marine Devito and Turd discussed their impending two-on-one date.  Turd says sometimes the only way to get someone to shut their mouth is to hit them.  Harrison better intervene before this gets ugly.

On the date, the guys played a 5-on-5 game.  In an unusual display of fairness, QB4 played all-time quarterback.  ED Evan got his second bloody nose of the night.  So sexy.

Shockingly, the team with ED Evan and Sweet Baby won the game.  It's a team sport, baby.  (GO WARRIORS!!!)

In the evening portion of the date, JoJo said that Robby is a "man."  I'd agree, except that he goes by "Robby."  C'mon Rob/Bob/Robert/Bert, grow up.  (Not enough "Berts" these days.)

QB4 got the date rose.

Two-on-One Date: Turd vs. Marine Devito

In preparation for the date, Turd called Devito a "whiny little bitch" and challenged him to go outside.    Turd said he would also find QB4 after the show and harm him.  Turd makes Sosa and McGwire's steroid use seem tame.  

Vinny Barbarino said the "notorious Chad" and the "notorious Alex" were going on dates.  When we need a nickname for Chase, we probably should not ask Barbarino.  

The date took the guys to the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania.  The trio went on a hike to find the Blair Witch.  While in the forest, Fleiss and Co. made their all-time riskiest decision to give a machete to Turd and an axe to Marine Devito.  The Bachelorette's insurance agent must have been holding his or her breath.  

My real life handwriting may be worse than my digital handwriting.

Marine Devito outed Turd for threatening to physically harm the other guys.  Turd defended himself by saying that he has not hurt anyone, but has only threatened them.  He should hire an attorney to make all statements for him.  

Predictably, Turd confronted Marine Devito.  In a peculiar exchange, Turd said that it's too bad that life is not "all blueberries and paper airplanes."  Turd also said Marine Devito needed to chill out with a glass of milk because, "milk is delicious."  I can't disagree.  We then learned that Turd is also a Marine!  Who isn't a war veteran on this show?

Marine Devito got the date rose.  Hide the machete!  Turd is going home.  Like Turd always says, life isn't all blueberries and paper airplanes.  

Turd walked through the forest to confront the guys back at the house.  

To be continued in two weeks, when we find out if Turd is actually the Blair Witch. 

The Bachelorette(s) Episodie 8: Confessions?

Padre Dugan, it has been 15 years since my last confession.  I write to you today to ask forgiveness.  I have filled my mind with impure thoughts.  For the last week, I have been reading a book that has sullied my thoughts (and probably decreased my already mediocre IQ.  I have read 75 pages, and I am feeling worse about myself by the minute.  For this, I must confess reading:

First Edition

As my penance, I will self-assign whiskey and ice cream only one night a week for the next three weeks.  

Speaking of confessions, let's see if our Bachelorette Kaitlyn has anything she wants to tell the other guys. 

Back in Dublin, the show picked up with Ugly Gosling in Kaitlyn's hotel room.  Ugly Gosling seems like he's seen a few too many rom-coms, and directly asks Kaitlyn, "Are you in love with me?  Yes or no."  Along with his Southern accent, dashing hair, and Johnny Cash all-black suit, he looks right out of Sweet Home Alabama.  

Is Ryan Gosling actually Ugly Josh Lucas?  

A great moment in the hotel room occurred when Ugly and Kaitlyn were making out.  It looked very emotional and heartfelt until the camera panned out and revealed that Ugly had a Bud Heavy beer bottle in his hand.  Nothing says "let's get it on" like an American Lager make out session.  

Kaitlyn would not stop crying.  She felt terrible about herself because she slept with Hans.  This feels like an unnecessary self sl^t shaming.  Be good to yourself, Kaitlyn.  

2 on 1 Date with American Pharaoh Joe and Federal Prisoner JJ

It's always great to have two guys on the 2 on 1 date that have no chance to win the show.  Anything can happen.  The awkwardness started early and promised to happen often.  Federal toasted to falling for Kaitlyn....and Pharaoh joined in the toast.

Thankfully, this date showed off the natural beauty of Ireland.  While the Guinness Factory is nice for a beer and a view, give me the rolling Irish hills any day.

Federal JJ dropped a bomb that will get him kicked off in a few short minutes.  "Three years ago, I cheated on my wife."  It's been nice knowing you, creep.  Federal has been shady from the very beginning.  Now I'm starting to wonder how he got out of prison.

Federal Agents Mad Cause I'm Flagrant

As predicted, Federal JJ got sent home.  Kaitlyn used the easy Bachelor/ette excuse that he should go home because he "has a beautiful daughter at home."  How does Kaitlyn know if she's beautiful?

After making him wait until the evening, American Pharaoh got the rose.  (I'm having a really difficult time spelling "pharaoh."  It was already a challenging word to spell, and then the misspelled horse American Pharoah came along).  

Thanks Autocorrect

Back at the house, Ugly Gosling was freaking out again.  This type of guy is on every season.  He's the guy who is the favorite, lacks self-confidence, and has apparently never seen an episode of the Bachelorette because he seems surprised that they can't end the show after three weeks and just pick him.

Ugly arrived, once again, at Kaitlyn's hotel room.  In a poetic moment, Ugly sat down ON THE SAME GROSS MAKEOUT COUCH that she hooked up with Hans on.  And, once again, Kaitlyn did not have to confess to her Hanssex.  I am really hoping that the sex reveal doesn't happen until the After the Final Rose episode. 

Mid-Episode Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony

Role Models Ben, possibly making his pitch for being the next Bachelor, maturely pointed out that Kaitlyn had a connection with another guy while she was supposed to be focused on him.  Role Models "didn't want to know any details," but said that he wants to make sure she's still into him.  Well played.  Unlike Ugly, Role Models knows how this show works.  

Kaitlyn confronted Hans and asked him not to tell any of the other guys about their saucy night together.  Hans, the master manipulator, cried on command and said that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.  

I guess we're just going to have to get used to this season's lack of structure.  It's minute 75 of the episode and time to hand out some more roses.  Joining Hans, Chris Quinn Jared, and American Pharaoh with a rose was: 

Role Models Ben

Dr. Harris DDS (I would have bet, and lost, my house that he was going home tonight)

Ugly Gosling

Goodbye Tanner Dog and Trainer Ben.  Tanner Dog was no shocker, but Trainer Ben?!  Losing to Dr. Harris has to hurt.  

I was just thinking out loud that Kaitlyn sure seems to be hard on herself.  Then Mrs. Wags pointed out that she did i.t. on national TV.  I guess that can't be easy to emotionally handle.

Off to Killarney 

The cast and crew left for Killarney in a big bus.  Kaitlyn and Chris Quinn drove separately in a sedan, with Kaitlyn doing the driving.  Driving in Ireland is narrow and no joke.  

Like I said, no joke

Kaitlyn and Chris Quinn stopped off to kiss the Blarney stone.  Was that the real Blarney stone?  It looked like the side of a castle wall.  I now realize that I have no idea what the Blarney stone is.  

They arrived in Killarney, and apparently that counted as a solo date for Chris Quinn.  Too bad for him.  

A Twist

Harrison visited Kaitlyn in her hotel room to inform her of another format change.  Usually, the final 4 guys get hometown dates, and then the final 3 get the fantasy suite.  Harrison proposed that they have the fantasy suites with 3 guys next week and then the final 2 get hometowns.  As some people say, the rules were made to be broken (and if you are one of those people, you're off my jury).  

Solo Date: Dr. Harris DDS

I just accidentally watched a commercial for The Whispers again.  Nightmares in 3, 2, 1...

The date began with some uncomfortable kissing and a helicopter ride to the Cliffs of Moher.  

Get it?

Before the picnic on the cliffs even got going, Kaitlyn sent Dr. Harris home.  She left him out on the very tip of the Cliffs (where the smallest Jay Mohr head is).  There are NO roads that lead out there.  It's probably at least a five mile hike to the parking lot.  For Dr. Harris's sake, I hope that helicopter comes back to pick him up.  

Until next week, when we might get some real confessions...

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 6: Hans the Heel

So I was just doing a little research about ice cream.  I found out that King Tang of Shang invented ice cream.  I then figured that his name required at least a cursory google image search.  Much to my delight, here he is:

The Next Bachelor

How badly do I want his hat?  The answer: very badly.  I wish more contestants on the Bachelor wore more creative clothing like this.  How many monochromatic v-necks can we handle?  Tonight, let's be inspired by King Tang and get weird.  Without further ado, it's Hans time....

Hans

Hans arrived to meet the guys and received a predictably chilly reception.  Tanner Dog broke the ice by noting that the tabloids said Hans hung out with Andi a few weeks ago.  Though the guys are not allowed to watch TV or make phone calls, apparently they are allowed to read all issues of US Weekly and People.  

Welder Josh then tried to take on Hans.  The Welder seemed troubled by Hans calling Kaitlyn a "cool chick," while he sees her as an "amazing woman."  It seems like a nit picky distinction.  Mrs. Wags observed that Welder Josh is an "industrial" welder and is used to dealing with massive tools.  Boom Hans.  

Cocktail Party

All of the guys went to Citi Field for the cocktail party.  Citi Field is used to housing baseball players that are losers, so it should accommodate the Bachelorette contestants with ease.  

Speaking of losers, Federal JJ decided to run around the bases carrying Kaitlyn.  Kaitlyn asked to touch "home base."  Not much baseball in Canada, eh?

Ugly Gosling, deeply troubled and unnecessarily threatened by Hans, told Kaitlyn that he wished she were smarter and should not have brought Hans back.  Since when is intelligence a valued trait on this show?  (Sidenotes: Mrs. Wags pointed out that the ugly duckling became the swan in the end.  Also, clams have the highest amount of iron of any food.  She's having trouble focusing).  

Mid-show Rose Ceremony

In the freezing cold polar vortex rose ceremony, Chris Harrison made the briefest appearance in recent memory.  Joining Dr. Harris DDS, Justin, and Chris Quinn with roses was:

Role Models Ben

Trainer Ben

Ugly Gosling

Tanner Dog

American Pharaoh Joe

Hit n Run Ian

Federal Prisoner JJ

Welder Josh

Hans

Ice skating back to the hotel roseless was Detroit Jonathan, Realtor Ryan, and One of the Two Coreys.

In an effort to get out of the heat (and save some production money), Fleiss & Co. decided to take the show to San Antonio. I can't wait to learn about San Antonio, because all I know right now is the river walk, the Alamo, and Tim Duncan.  

Solo Date #1: Role Models Ben

Welder Josh saw them drive off on their date and said he really missed his truck.  I feel similarly about my car.

Kaitlyn drove Role Model to a classic dance hall in order to learn how to dance.  Later that night, they were scheduled to dance in a two-step competition later that night.  I hope Role Models takes to dancing better than me.  After two months of dance lessons in preparation for Mrs. Wags and my first dance, I still biffed it.  

The live band thankfully played songs that included instructions in the words (slow....quick, quick....slow).  I love songs that have dance instructions.

The date continued to a rooftop dinner.  With the requisite amount of Chardonnay and a strong rooftop breeze, Role Model opened up about past relationships. When asked if he's ready for commitment since he's only 26, Role Models responded that there's always a lot of fear when starting a relationship. Really?  Fear?  I only experience fear when watching a preview of The Whispers or when Lebron drives to the hoop.

Role Models earned the date rose.

Group Date: Justin, Chris Quinn Jared, Hit n Run Ian, Dr. Harris DDS, Tanner Dog, American Pharaoh Joe, Federal JJ, Trainer Ben, Welder Josh, and Hans

The date started off with a 12 year old mariachi singer named Sebastian De La Cruz serenading Kaitlyn.  I thought he looked familiar.  I was right.  Remember this?

Kaitlyn challenged the guys to mariachi serenade her.  It was a given that they were all going to be terrible.  At least they all gave max effort.  

The evening portion of the date was at a ranch house.  Welder Josh decided to let Kaitlyn cut his hair. Kaitlyn, apparently a very amateur barber, may never work for Vidal Sassoon, but she definitely could be the best stylist at SuperCuts.  

Welder Josh decided to air his Hans-grievances with Kaitlyn.  Experienced fans know this is the kiss-of-death.  

When Kaitlyn entered the room to confront the guys, all of them stood up.  Though this is probably out of respect, it would be awesome to have Chris Harrison standing by as the Bachelorette-Bailiff.  When Kaitlyn enters the room, Harrison booms "All rise.  Hear Ye. Hear Ye.  I present the Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe.  You may be seated."  

With Neil Lane as Judge Harry Crane

Kaitlyn gave the date rose to Hans, almost taunting the other guys.  

Solo Date #2: Ugly Gosling

If you're wondering why Mrs. Wags has not chimed in recently, it's because she's been asleep for the last hour.  

The date was kayaking down the river.  Kaitlyn said she had never been kayaking before.  This was shocking to me at first, but then I realized that maybe I've just been brought up so privileged to think that everyone has kayaked of course.  This requires a poll for me to sort out my life.  

Have you ever kayaked?

Yes

No

 

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On the date, Ugly Gosling revealed that he got in a bad car accident, barely survived, and recently started wearing seat belts.  Ugly confessed that it's hard to let your guard down and fall in love.  I just had a weird realization:  this show feels like a romantic comedy; almost scripted.  Do you think it's possible that the contestants on this show are all aspiring actors?  Nah.  Neil Lane would never allow it.  

To no one's surprise, Ugly Gosling got a date rose.  

Back at the House

Wasting no time, Hit n Run Ian delivered the QOTN: "I don't understand why Kaitlyn wouldn't want a Princeton graduate, former model, that defied death and has been around the world a couple times." Maybe she's looking for a guy with some humility.  You don't hear Ugly Gosling bragging about how he once beat 10 levels of Candy Crush in one day.  

Cocktail Party #2

Chris Quinn Jared said he's falling in love with Kaitlyn.  It sure seems like guys are pulling the love-trigger a little early this season.  

Hit n Run Ian topped of his previous QOTN with another dandy: "I have a lot of sex."  Well then.  

Hit n Run decided to go out with "guns blazing."  He told Kaitlyn that he's done with guys making "fart jokes, poop jokes, and sex jokes."  He then called her shallow and accused her of having nothing below the surface.  

For the fourth week in a row...to be continued until next week.

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 4 Recap: Two Days Late, Many Dollars Short

Dear Fans,

The four of you are probably wondering why this week's recap is two days late.  I apologize, as I was on vacation in New York.  Strangely, it was impossible to convince my family on the East coast to allow a few hours on our long weekend trip to blog the Bachelorette.  They did not want to see how the sausage is made.  Speaking of sausage, let's watch the show.

Sincerely,

Wags (with ice cream and whiskey in hand)


We resume this week with the Human Meltdown, King Kupah.  While he was screaming in the driveway about how the process was not for him, he unleashed a QOTN nominee, "[This process] might be for Cupcake."  It would not be the first time a guy nicknamed Cupcake had done well on the Bachelorette.  Please refer back to 2011.  Dugan and I have been at this for a long time, and we're not getting any younger.

From our college days

Last Week's Rose Ceremony Continued

After King Kupah left not-so-quietly, Kaitlyn (the second most popular reality show Kaitlyn/Caitlyn this week), had to get back to business.  Chris Quinn Jared boggled my mind when he said, "nobody doesn't want to see Kaitlyn anymore."  It is an even harder statement to understand when written down.  His declaration might have given me a mild concussion.  

Roses went to:

Chris Quinn Jared (Second guy on the show with a shiner)

Role Models Ben H.

Ugly Gosling Shawn

Detroit Jonathan

Tanner Dog

Dr. Harris, DDS

Realtor Ryan

Justin (Maybe also has a black eye?  Fleiss & Co. really blew it with the boxing challenge)

Hit and Run Ian

Welder Josh

American Pharaoh Joe

One of the Two Coreys

Tony The Dude (I thought he was going home for sure.  He was happy to go home to his bonsai trees (he really said this).  The Dude then deeply stated, "I see the world through the eyes of a child, have the heart of a warrior, and a gypsy soul."  For those keeping track at home, we're 12:30 into the show and we have ANOTHER QOTN nominee.)

Joining King Kupah in the goodbye limo was Fashion Designer Daniel and The Other Corey That Has a Daughter and Needs to Get Home to Her.  

Now this week's episode can finally begin with...

SUMO WRESTLING!!!

Group Date #1: Dr. Harris, DDS, Tony The Healer (Mrs. Wags thought the sumo wrestler pronouncing his name said Donny.  I thought he said Thonny.  But that's not a real name), Federal JJ, Ugly Gosling, Clint, and American Pharaoh Joe 

While the theme of this season seems to be how much Fleiss and Co. can physically abuse the guys, at least Trainer Ben is not on the date to destroy the guys.  

Once Federal Prisoner JJ got in his sumo underpants, he showed off a rather large shoulder tattoo.  I know where he got it:

Prison

The guys had to take on sumo wrestlers that were supposedly real and supposedly good.  I say "supposedly," because what are they doing on a reality show in LA if they're good?  I have a feeling Lebron and Curry don't do reality shows in Finland.

Predictably, the guys got demolished.  The Dude thought he was going to dominate, but he not only got slapped around, but the sumo guy laughed at him while slapping him in the head.  It was thoroughly embarrassing.  The Dude then got in an argument with Kaitlyn about all of the aggressive challenges.  

As the The Dude's drama dragged on, I continued to ponder Federal Prisoner JJ's tattoos.  I now believe they look less prisoner-y and more:

I think I see this guy on my commute

The date continued with the guys in a round-robin sumo tournament.  Thor Clint lived up to his nickname and dominated the competition.  The Dude decided to skip the contest and then head home to his bonsai trees.  But before he left, he wanted one last word with Kaitlyn (i.e. one last opportunity to prove that he is Bachelor in Paradise material).  Without much of a fight, Kaitlyn let The Dude go home.

Maybe I want a bonsai house

Ugly Gosling made the wise choice to avoid any date drama, and he earned the date rose for it.

Solo Date #1: Trainer Ben

The date, planned by Chris Harrison, took them to a mysterious warehouse.  At first, they were locked in a room with pigeons.  First, gross.  Second, Kaitlyn is scared of birds.  Third, can you really be scared of birds if you have these tattoos?

Put a bird on it

Kaitlyn shuddered at the sound  of birds.  Once inside the room, the birds seemed like the least of their concerns.  They were in a room of horrors; severed limbs, ghosts, blood.  Somehow, it kind of reminded me of Legends of the Hidden Temple.

I loved this show.

Eventually, they got out of the house.  It was never really in question because if the going got tough, Trainer Ben could just punch a hole through the wall.

After revealing that he has not cried in eleven years, Trainer Ben got the date rose.  Prediction: Trainer Ben will cry for the first time in eleven years on this season of the Bachelorette.

Group Date #2: Detroit Jonathan, Role Models Ben, Welder Josh, Realtor Ryan, Chris Quinn Jared, and Tanner Dog

The last date of the episode started in a elementary school sex ed classroom.  Needless to say, this was not my experience at Catholic junior high.  The only rule I knew growing up was to leave room for the Holy Spirit.

The runaway QOTN winner came from Welder Josh: "Everything I learned about sex was from watching our cows."

The guys started teaching anatomy, and all of the kids seemed grossed out.  The class atmosphere got a little strange during the Q&A with the students.  The kids started asking questions that were pretty advanced.  And by "advanced," I mean "I can't print any of them in our lightly-read blog."  

It turned out that the guys and the viewers were actually being pranked.  The kids were all child actors made to ask these uncomfortable questions.  I guess it was okay that they were child actors, but it kind of reminded me of Vice's Kids Telling Dirty Jokes videos (I laugh at them, and then feel bad).  

Back at the house, Fleiss & Co. convinced Thor Clint and Federal Prisoner JJ to pretend that they might be falling in love with each other, an obvious ploy to get attention from US Weekly.  

On the date, Kaitlyn had a slow dance on a corporate building roof (Bachelor staple) with Chris Quinn.  She said he's the most manly in the house.  Nothing says manly like a guy that can't grow and beard and wears flair to work.  Much to Quinn's surprise, Role Models Ben got the date rose.

The Second Rose Ceremony

(Unrelated side note: I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight after accidentally watching a commercial for the new ABC horror show The Whispers).

Thor Clint became one of the more unique villains in reality dating show history by admitting that he has no interest in Kaitlyn, but continuing to pursue her because he wants to stay on the show in order to hang out more with Federal Prisoner JJ.  

All of the guys dished on Thor Clint.  Kaitlyn went to confront him for more drama, and then....

...continued to next week.

Until next week, when Dugan continues to sell the drama.

Did you know today is Mrs. Dugan's birthday?

Yes

Well, it is.

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