The Bachelorette Episode 4: Auto-Corrected

It's been two weeks since Rachel's last search for love.  These have been a busy two weeks: the Warriors are NBA champs, and Bachelor in Paradise no longer exists.  More importantly, Mrs. Wags bought me a new bottle of Old Potrero Rye for Father's Day AND went to the new amazon.com supermarket to get me ice cream!  I'm ready to start the show.

Find this, buy this

We picked up at the rose ceremony and the Robert E. Lee vs Eric fight.  Eric, concerned that his "name is in Robert E. Lee's mouth," is likely jumpstarting Robert E. Lee's racism.

90210 Dean thinks Lee is "kind of a . . . . . biiitch?"  

Zoolander Eric, lightly defending Robert Lee, said that people have their "quorks." (No, auto-correct, I meant to write quorks.) 

Quorky

Nip Tuck Bryan saved the day with a makeout session.  He's a major favorite.  

Kenny Boom and Robert E. had a yelling match over interrupting conversations with Rachel.  Robert E. said the fight would not put a "tear in his beer."  Unfortunately, the fight caused some sobs due to Rachel's heartthrobs. (I stink at rhyming with words related to crying.)

Joining the Urban Cowboy, Eric, and Russian Alex with roses were:

Will
90210 Dean
Elmo Jonathan
Peter Badger
Adummy
Nip Tuck Bryan
Penguin Matt
Josiah Satz
JackStone
IggyNotDiggy
Kenny Boom
Robert E. Lee (Good work, Fleiss & Co. for forcing her to do that)

Goodbye Firefighter Bryce, Zoolander, and Teach Me How to Diggy

The date portion of the show was in Hilton Head Island.  Confession: I had no idea Hilton Head was an island.  Maybe I should have taken it easier on Zoolander.

1-on-1: 90210 Dean

Dean's nickname inspired Mrs. Wags and me to watch the original Beverly Hills 90210 (I never watched the first few seasons; Mrs. Wags is a super fan).  It's really good.  Dylan is the best.  And he looks even better now.

Solid power alleys

The date started with a ride in the Goodyear Blimp.  90210 is scared of heights and was kind of freaking out about the ride.  Good thing he didn't see this news from a few days ago.  

The blimp buzzed the other guys back at the hotel.  The guys acted like a Red Dawn Russian attack was imminent.  

In the evening portion of the date, 90210 revealed that his mom died from breast cancer when he was 16 and then his family fell apart.  We as the audience now want to give 90210 a hug.  Rachel gave him the rose followed by a Russell Dickerson concert.  As usual, I had to consult Bro Wags to figure out who he is.  Here was his text response:

"I just listened to his "hit" called "Yours."  I mean, kind of sounds perfect for a show centered around love like the bachelorette. But it does sound like many other country love songs. Afraid I don't know this dude."

Fleiss & Co. are really scraping the bottom of the barrel if Bro Wags has not heard of a country singer.  

Group Date: Russian Alex, Urban Cowboy, Peter Badger, Nip Tuck Bryan, Elmo, Dummy, Kenny Boom, Penguin Matt, Robert E. Lee, IggyNoMoreDiggy, Eric, Will, and Josiah Satz

The big group date started on a boat. All I want is for one contestant to sing an "I'm On a Boat" lyric:


I'm riding on a dolphin, doing flips and sh*t

The dolphin's splashing, getting everybody all wet

But this ain't Sea World, this is real as it gets

I'm on a boat, motherfu!ker, don't you ever forget


Instead of singing, the boat ride included a push-up competition and rap session. The date continued with an appearance from Mr. Harrison leading a spelling bee! YESSSSS.

Some of the biggest goof-ups:
Eric spelled "facade" p-h-y-s-d-e
Peter Badger spelled "coitus" q-u-i-q-u-e
Josiah Satz won gracefully.

In the evening portion, Rachel revealed to Peter Badger that she's also licensed to practice law in Wisconsin. She's passed at least two bar exams, easily making her the smartest Bachelor or Bachelorette of all time (Jake Pavelka and Juan Pablo are in a two-way race for least intelligent).

Iggy the Rat spent his time with Rachel to rip on Josiah Satz (probably only a lawyer in one state...weak!). The Rat then ratted on himself and told Satz.

Josiah Satz delivered my QOTN: "With all due respect, Iggy's a bitch." That's a strong statement after giving all the respect that one is due.

Peter Badger doesn't like Robert E. Lee because he speaks in a way that's "disingenuine." Leave me alone auto-correct, I'm trying to write a Bachelorette blog post!

Kenny Boom confronted Robert E. Lee, but...to be continued for Dugan...