The Bachelorette Episode 2: Tick Tock, Let's Make It Rock

Well Dugan, our six loyal readers demanded the blog return after our Ari hiatus, and we gave the people what they wanted.  I, for one, was thrilled to read your recap last week.  This week, I'm thrilled to return to my traditional Bachelorette whiskey and ice cream.  I haven't had any whiskey or ice cream since we blogged Rachel's season (at least I haven't written about whiskey and ice cream since then).  Let's start the show and the junk food.

Thanks Costco. (I never said I drink fancy whiskey.)

Harrison started off the episode by admitting he didn't recognize one of the guys.  Of course, it was the guy in the chicken suit.  Harrison, I've missed you the most.  

Group Date #1: Clay, Slick Nick, Chris Gets Stitches, Chicken Suit David, Jean Blanc Noir, Ken Doll Jordan, Coach Connor, and Super Eagle Lincoln

While arriving at a ranch, the Ken Doll Jordan reminded us he's a male model.  "It defines me."  May I never have a job that defines.  May this Bachelor/ette blog always define me. 

The wardrobe for the men appears to have been provided by Banana Republic.  

All grays.

If the men didn't all look the same (gray clothing and 'roids), the guys had to all wear tuxedos.

Former Bachelorette Rachel and her fiancé Bryan NipTuck (still in love...see...this is the search for true love), explained an obstacle course for the guys while wearing tuxes.  

NFL Clay had no problem with the ice bath portion of the course.  Super Eagle Lincoln was in the lead for most of the course, which caused me to google what his Dugan-granted nickname meant.  WELL DONE DUGAN.  

Super Eagle won the race and got a picture with Becca (I had to note this fact because the previews have foreshadowed the importance of this photo at least three times in the first 20 minutes of the show . . . let's just say there isn't much subtlety on this show.)

Confession: I had to ask Mrs. Wags how to spell "subtlety" and I'm still not sure I spelled it correctly. Was this word the final word in the spelling bee today?  It should have been.

Super Eagle Lincoln got the aforementioned framed photo and a kiss from Becca.  He described kissing Becca like, "flying to the moon on the wings of a pegasus while dancing with unicorns and pooping out a pot of gold."  Mrs. Wags said she heard the pooping part of the quote.  I was too busy trying to remember what a pegasus is to go back and double check for accuracy. 

Chicken Suit David said Becca will challenge him intellectually.  You're on the wrong show buddy.

Coach Connor, frustrated with having to look at the framed photo of Super Eagle and Becca, tossed the photo in the romantically-lit pool.  Super Eagle was very pouty because he wanted to "show the picture to his mom."  Becca mediated the situation between the two juveniles, taking Super Eagle's side.  

Jean Blanc Noir Cool Water got a kiss and a the date rose.  That smells nice!!!

1-on-1 Date: Like Blake

This was Becca's first ride in a limo since she "got engaged."  She also keeps referring to Ari as her "ex-boyfriend."  I have to hand it to her, she is really good at pretending this show is real.

Harrison handed sledge hammers to Becca and Like Blake so they could destroy televisions showing videos of Ari's proposal, champagne bottles, a car, a couch, and candy hearts.  All of this while Lil John turned down for what and DJed the event.  Becca literally destroyed her past.  Again, the Bachelorette doesn't specialize in subtlety (thanks for the assist, autocorrect....I still can't spell it).  

Like Blake keeps saying "like."  I'm about ready to fast forward through this dum dum's date.  "Like she's an amazing woman."  

Sadly, Like Blake like got a rose.  Becca even said, "like, will you accept this rose?"  It's like contagious.  

Group Date #2: Favorite Garrett, Venmo John, Rickie, Banjo Ryan, Alex, Globetrotter Chris, Trent, Leo the Lion, Wills, and QB5 Colton

Leo Leo Leo!  Can every date include this guy please?  

The date started with a dodgeball training session led by some little child actors.   They fired dodgeballs from a pitching machine.  

In their practice session, Globetrotter Chris nailed Becca with practice balls a couple times.  Just like the way we used to play bookstore basketball games in college: don't take it easy on female competition.  (Semi-related sidetone: Dugan and I co-coached the Pasquerilla West Women's Intramural basketball team.  We were great.  Dugan was on the refs like Draymond, and I was calm and often injured like Steve Kerr.)

Leo the Lion provided my QOTN: "What these guys don't understand is that winning doesn't come from bicep curls or tricep extensions, it comes from your heart."  Almost brought I tear to my eye.  Mrs. Wags thinks the Lion might have appropriated this quote from Coach Taylor on Friday Night Lights.  

As I was busy looking up Harry Potter spell names to find a good nickname for Wills/willis/will/whatever, QB5 Colton admitted to having a relationship with Tia from Ari's season of the Bachelor.  Since we didn't watch last season, this doesn't affect me.  Becca, on the other hand, seemed deeply hurt by his admission.

Becca fought through tears to give Expelliarmus Wills the date rose.

Rose Ceremony 

Ken Doll Jordan, wearing only boxer briefs, told Becca he didn't want her to think of him as being "007 all the time."  Ken Doll, continuing his tryout for Bachelor in Paradise, said he's not just "some guy with hair."

Later, the Chicken Suit David said Ken Doll was being disrespectful by wearing boxer briefs to a cocktail party.  Oh, the irony from the chicken suit guy.

Joining Jean Blanc Noir, Like Blake, and Expelliarmus Wills with roses:

Chris Gets Stitches
Jason He's a Senior Banker
Venmo John (I think I rode BART with this guy today...oh wait, every guy is Venmo John in the Bay.)
TE2 Clay
Man Bun Mike
Coach Connor
Leo the Lion 
Chicken Suit David
Favorite Garrett
Slick Nick
Banjo Ryan
Globetrotter Chris
Ken Doll Jordan
Super Eagle Lincoln
QB5 Colton

Goodbye Rickie, Alex, and Trent.  We never even had enough time to give you guys nicknames.

Until next week, when Dugan returns to blog the bloodbath. 

The Bachelorette Episode 6: Almost Home

After doing some brewery visits yesterday, I am not in the mood for whiskey.  Tonight will be ice cream only.  My inability to recover quickly from more than two beers makes me realize I'm not as young as I used to be.  Come to think of it, I don't recover very well from a large burrito, lifting weights, more than 20 minutes in the sun, or four hours of the Bachelorette in one week.  So let's start the show...a simple two hours of the Bachelorette powered by mint chip.

One more and I'm in trouble

The crew headed to beautiful Geneva, Switzerland.  I was trying to think of a Geneva Conventions joke, but it's very difficult to make up something about humanitarian treatment of non-combatants in a time of war.

This is the last week before hometowns.  As though we just started watching this show this season, every guy reminds us how important it is to get a one on one date.  

Solo Date #1: Nip Tuck Bryan

Nip Tuck, front runner from the first episode, got another solo date.  He's running away with this contest and can only lose if he has a secret (divorce, current girlfriend, strange friends on his hometown, makeout with a member of the production staff).

The date started with a drive in a Bentley.  Who cares?  Not me.  There's only one car that would get me feeling romantic.

Mrs. Wags said we could get one!!!

Nip Tuck seems like a major favorite, and the other guys know it.  

As predicted above, Nip Tuck's last girlfriend broke up with him because she didn't like his mom.  GET READY FOR NEXT WEEK!

We named our dog after this all-time crappy mom

Nip Tuck got a rose.

Solo Date #2: 90210 Dean

90210 was nervous because if he gets a rose, he brings her home to his family, and he doesn't get along with his family.  

90210's date started out with a trip to Catholic Mass.  If he's lucky, they will get donuts afterward.  And they DID!  Catholics everywhere love donuts!

Rachel told 90210 that she wants to learn more about his life and who he is.  90210 replied, "Do you believe in the tooth fairy?" and "What's your favorite dinosaur?"  He's almost trying not to get a rose. Also, my answers to his questions are "no" and "stegosaurus."

At dinner, Rachel confronted 90210 for being off all day.  Finally, 90210 came out and explained, "my family is not the kind of family you're going to want to see."  9-0 said his dad has become "quite a bit more eccentric."  Please give 9-0 a rose.  I really want to see what this guy is all about.  Annnnnd...yes he got a rose.  We now get Nip Tuck's mom and 9-0's dad.

See you next week!

Solo Date #3: Peter Badger

Badger and Rachel started the date with a jumping hug.  She might be the first African-American Bachelor/ette, but she's the 175th contestant to do jumping hugs.  

They took a helicopter and went dogsledding on "Glacier 3000."  

You say it's puppy love, I say it's full grown.

In the evening portion of the date, they had dinner in a well-lit palace at a tiny table.  Peter told some weird story about breaking up with his ex-girlfriend and he got all weepy about it.  Rachel, solid as a rock, thought it seemed a little off.  She's great at reading situations that are a little off in the moment they are happening.

Peter Badger got a rose.

Group Date: Eric No Ties, Happy Feet Matt, Adummy

Mrs. Wags drops the QOTN:  "These guys are all a waste of time...because they are all unattractive." 

Mrs. Wags follows up her QOTN with another gem: "They look like the guys who are the 'normal guys' in Cosmo magazine that answer dumb questions about what they look for in a lady: 'I love it when my girlfriend cooks me dinner.'"  

Adummy started off the date by asserting that his relationship with her is stronger than anyone else's in the house.  That's some irrational confidence.

They all took a boat ride to France.  Eric No Ties got some alone time and made some solid speeches to Rachel about how brave she is.  He announced that he's "not afraid anymore."

In his alone time, Happy Feet Matt got sent home.  Strangely, she walked him out and said goodbye with a few kisses on the lips.  That's an odd way to break up with someone.  I'm sad to see him go from a receding hairline perspective.  It's tough for me personally when a fellow member of the bald community gets his heart broken.  

The battle for 4th place ended with a rose for Eric No Ties.  Adummy is headed home.  

Looks like some pretty wild hometown dates next week!

The Bachelor Episode Cuatro: Juan Love

I start tonight's post with a heavy heart.  As I was preparing the mandatory accouterments for the Bachelor (ice cream and whisky), I accidentally dumped a full scoop of ice cream on the ground.  After spending more than five seconds debating whether the five second rule applies to ice cream, I finally made the decision it had to be sacrificed to the sink.  If Mrs. Wags and I did not have a dog, I might have made a different decision.  I like ice cream.  Deal with it.  On to the show....

Having watched some of Sean and Lennay Kekua's wedding last night, I am in the mood for some grown sexy time with Juan Pablo and the ladies in South Korea.  This begs the question, will Dog Lover bring her service animal on this trip?

I'll sit this one out

I really enjoyed how excited the ladies were to go to KOREA!!!  Ko-RE-AAAAAA!!!  I'm sure it's very nice, but I have NO clue what Seoul tourism is like.

Group Date: Teacher Chelsie, 8 Mile, Yule Log, Danielle, Kat, and Nurse Nikki

JP took the ladies to a place to dance K-Pop style.  Apparently, this is just like Gagnam Style dancing.  Nice work on being current Fleiss and Co.  Maybe Gotye will be performing later in the show.  

The ladies learned a dance from a top K-Pop band called "21."  I was impressed by the acting job some of ladies did when they pretended to have heard of 21.

The dance class went well, focusing mostly on Kat's dance skills.  That must be pretty embarrassing for 8 Mile, a former NBA dancer.  Nurse Nikki, on the other hand, complained about having to dance.  She became especially irritable when she found out that the ladies would be dancing backup for 21....in a mall.  Huh?  21 must be the Santa Claus of Korean mall performers.   

Juan Santa

At the evening portion of the date, the girls couldn't help but hate on fun-loving Kat and her desire for attention.  If you were hating on Kat too, I'll bet you felt pretty bad when she revealed that she has a deadbeat, alcoholic dad that got 7 DUIs.  8 Mile didn't like that there was "Kattiness" starting.   8 Mile didn't even realize the great pun she stumbled into.

Nurse Nikki?  More like Negative Nikki.  I don't want to dance.  I don't like Kat.  I don't like group dates.  I want alone time.  Geez.  It's really tiring.  But apparently JP was pretty impressed with how well she can change diapers, so she got the group date rose.

Seoul-o Date #1: Pavarotti

The date card asked the Pav if she is his "Seoul Mate."  This season has the best puns.  

Pavarotti and JP went to a market.  They couldn't handle the food, smells, and clothing.  These two will not be settling down in South Korea.  

Mrs. Wags thinks Pavarotti could be prettier and smarter than any woman that has ever been on the Bachelor.   A bold statement.  I will be up until at least midnight preparing my rebuttal.  

JP begged Pavarotti to sing.  Got to give the people, give the people what they want!  She sang a few bars.  She sounded pretty good.  (I have been to exactly zero operas in my life, but I was a college radio DJ with Dugan, so I am capable of rendering an opinion on musical skills).

Things took a turn for the worst when JP asked how many kids she wants to have.  Her response: "I don't even think about kids."  Pavarotti took a big risk and proved that honesty is, in fact, the best policy. So is gun control.  But that's for another policy blog that I write.  

Pavarotti got the rose.  

Group Date #2: Vidal Sassoon, Abbie Carmichael, Mama Renee, Dog Lover, Nanny Ally, and Mozart

The date took them to a life-size dollhouse where you do karaoke.  Now we're talking!  Let's get weird!

After quickly leaving the dollhouse singing party, they went to a photo booth place (unimpressed...we have those in San Francisco), paddle boating (crappy compared to the Jeep Water boat last week), and to a fish-eating-dead-skin-on-your-feet pedicure place (perfect...back to getting weird!).

Vidal got a little scared by the unique(?) octopus they had to eat.  It looked pretty fried and not so scary, but who can blame her:

Goose Egg in Sacramento

Ice Cream update: Mrs. Wags just found the floor ice cream in the sink.  When she asked why it was in there, I replied, "You'll have to read the blog to find out."  Have to get readers somehow.

For some strange reason, JP decided to pump the brakes on kissing the women, noting that he "has a daughter" and shouldn't be kissing so many women on TV.  Is his daughter really watching this show? She's four!!!  Unless this show is converted to cartoon format and shown on Saturday mornings, I have a feeling she won't be seeing any of it.  Unfortunately for Mama Renee and Mozart, JP's sudden kiss rejections appeared to be an indication of his feelings towards them.

Vidal Sassoon had other plans in mind.  Determined, she went for a make out session moments after JP rejected the other two women.  JP is not known for his logic.

Proving that he can be a wild card, JP gave the rose to Abbie Carmichael.  In the end, she was the one he really Juanted.

Rose Ceremony

The highlight of the rose ceremony was Negative Nikki interrupting JP's time with Vidal Sassoon.  Negative Nikki took her time with JP to inform him that women who are interested in men will always look away rather than look at them.  When asked who said that, Negative replied "Science."  I'm definitely using that tactic at work tomorrow.  "Counsel, what is the basis for your argument?"  "The law, your Honor.  The law says so."

Joining Negative Nikki, Pavarotti, and Abbie Carmichael with roses were:

Mama Renee
Teacher Chelsie
Dog Lover (unbelievable how long this is going on)
Danielle (spoke zero words this week, but got one rose)
8 Mile
Nanny Ally
Vidal Sassoon
Kat

Taking the long flight home alone from South Korea were Yule Log Hottie and Mozart.

Until next week with Dugan in Vietnam...