The Bachelor Episode Ocho: Juan Love

Who's ready for four hours of the Bachelor this week?!

I said, Who's ready for four hours of Juan Pablo this week!?!?!?!?

(Hearing nothing)

Okay.  I get the point.  You were never ready.  But Dugan and I are here to get you through it.  And to help me tonight, I have a Boulevardier (google it) and Mexican chocolate ice cream (quickly becoming a favorite).  But maybe I should pitch a new flavor:

Vanilla Ice

On to the show (where there is no question that Mama Renee is going home, right?)

Hometown Date #1: Nurse Nikki in Kansas City

Nikki started off the date in a park, running towards Juan Pablo.  But no jumping hug.  Interesting.  There are certain parts of the show I really like (Chris Harrison #1, Neil Lane #2).  Jumping hugs are up there.  Maybe the next hometown.

They went to a barbecue place.  Juan Pablo (maybe) had never had barbecue before.  These relationships are doomed.  (Before you say, "Aren't all relationships on the Bachelor doomed," I'd like to direct your attention to Trista and Ryan...this show works!).

After literally riding the mechanical bull, Nurse Nikki couldn't pull the trigger on saying "I love you."  

Nikki then took JP to her family's mansion.  Her family seems very all-American.  I'm guessing they were not too thrilled when Nikki got her back tattoo.

At dinner, Nikki's family asked about the long flight to Korea.  Nikki revealed that JP sat in first class while the ladies slummed it in coach.  I hope at least one of them did their best Kristen Wiig impression:



JP had a discussion with Nikki's dad.  And by discussion, I mean Juan Pablo went full-ESL and confused everyone trying to comprehend what he meant to say about his feelings for Nikki.  At this point, I was sad that Pavarotti was off the show.  It would have been incredible to see how her Ivy League parents would handle Juan Pablo's nonsense.

JP left.  Nikki never told JP she loves him.  Weak display Nikki.  Even an M&M can profess it's love for JP.

Hometown #2: Abbie Carmichael's Atlanta

This date is also known as Abbie Carmichael's audition for the next Bachelorette.  Before going to meet her family, Abbie took JP to shoot some guns.  Personally, I was hoping for a moot court competition, but our lawyerly dreams can't always come true.

At the range, Abbie proved that she's from the South.  Juan Pablo proved that he might be cross-eyed.

Abbie/Andi took JP to meet her family at another upper middle class looking house.  Abbie's dad proved that he might understand the Bachelor process quite well; criticizing JP for waiting so long to take Abbie on a one-on-one date.  I wonder if he is one of our anonymous commenters?

Abbie's dad's name is Hy.  I went on babynames.com and found that Hy is short for Hyman.  I have too much respect (read: fear) of Hy to make fun of that.  After briefly researching, it appears that the most famous person named Hyman is Krusty the Clown's father on the Simpsons: Rabbi Hyman Krustofski.  But since I was never allowed to watch the Simpson's growing up, I don't really get my own reference.

Forbidden Cartoon

In the end, Abbie's dad really wasn't all that bad.  Typical Fleiss and Co. manipulation of the audience to think that there were going to be real fireworks between JP and the dad.

Hometown #3: Mama Renee in Sarasota

Renee started off the segment by announcing that Sarasota is her "favorite place in the world," and when she sees her son she is "literally going to eat him."  She's currently a machine gun of crazy statements.    (Admittedly, I don't know much about Sarasota, so I googled it to make sure that I wasn't  unfairly ripping on it.  Turns out, I was fairly ripping on it.  This story is from TODAY).

When her son Ben came to meet them before his little league game, Mama Renee went full "mama" and picked up Ben off the ground for a big hug.  IN FRONT OF HIS WHOLE TEAM.  I can't imagine a more embarrassing moment.  In his little league game, Ben ended the game by turning a double play.  Maybe Juan Pablo will be begging Ben for autographs one day.

Later in the day, they went to Renee's parents' house.  I really hope she gets booted this week.  She (and her family) seem way to nice for this JP bozo.  (I think I am going to start calling people "bozo" more often.  But that could be whisky logic at this point).

Though she wanted to tell JP that she loves him, she balked.  Don't worry Renee, no one else has professed their love either.

Hometown #4: Vidal Sassoon in Sacramento 

Vidal started off the date in a park because she "played a lot in parks as a child."  If I went by Vidal's logic, Mrs. Wags and I are having an awesome date: watersides, baseball card stores, Burger King, and going to bed at 7:30 p.m.

Dream date

After skipping rocks at the park, the date continued at Vidal's mom's house with Vidal's five sisters (no joke).  Vidal's sisters all seemed pretty smitten with JP, except for her sister Lara.  Lara said that their mama would not give permission to JP for a proposal.  Vidal instantly broke into tears.  "Mama" hardly said a word.  Lara kept butting in with her two cents.  Lara reminded me of Alby Grant from Big Love.  Any Big Love fans out there?

By the way, Lara looked a little bit like Alby Grant.  Lara is, how shall I say, a little bit unfortunate looking.

Vidal and her sisters kept calling their mom, Mama.  They all referred to their dad as Daddy.  Very FLDS.

Once Vidal's mom finally got a chance to talk, I had a very hard time understanding her.  I know of some people that might be able to interpret what she was saying:



The date ended uneventfully.

Rose Ceremony

Back in Miami, the roses went to:
Nurse Nikki
Vidal Sassoon Clare
Abbie Carmichael

Predictably (see above), Mama Renee got the boot.  Her only fantasy suite will be back in Sarasota.

Until tomorrow, when Dugan takes us to St. Lucia...

The Bachelor Episode Cuatro: Juan Love

I start tonight's post with a heavy heart.  As I was preparing the mandatory accouterments for the Bachelor (ice cream and whisky), I accidentally dumped a full scoop of ice cream on the ground.  After spending more than five seconds debating whether the five second rule applies to ice cream, I finally made the decision it had to be sacrificed to the sink.  If Mrs. Wags and I did not have a dog, I might have made a different decision.  I like ice cream.  Deal with it.  On to the show....

Having watched some of Sean and Lennay Kekua's wedding last night, I am in the mood for some grown sexy time with Juan Pablo and the ladies in South Korea.  This begs the question, will Dog Lover bring her service animal on this trip?

I'll sit this one out

I really enjoyed how excited the ladies were to go to KOREA!!!  Ko-RE-AAAAAA!!!  I'm sure it's very nice, but I have NO clue what Seoul tourism is like.

Group Date: Teacher Chelsie, 8 Mile, Yule Log, Danielle, Kat, and Nurse Nikki

JP took the ladies to a place to dance K-Pop style.  Apparently, this is just like Gagnam Style dancing.  Nice work on being current Fleiss and Co.  Maybe Gotye will be performing later in the show.  

The ladies learned a dance from a top K-Pop band called "21."  I was impressed by the acting job some of ladies did when they pretended to have heard of 21.

The dance class went well, focusing mostly on Kat's dance skills.  That must be pretty embarrassing for 8 Mile, a former NBA dancer.  Nurse Nikki, on the other hand, complained about having to dance.  She became especially irritable when she found out that the ladies would be dancing backup for 21....in a mall.  Huh?  21 must be the Santa Claus of Korean mall performers.   

Juan Santa

At the evening portion of the date, the girls couldn't help but hate on fun-loving Kat and her desire for attention.  If you were hating on Kat too, I'll bet you felt pretty bad when she revealed that she has a deadbeat, alcoholic dad that got 7 DUIs.  8 Mile didn't like that there was "Kattiness" starting.   8 Mile didn't even realize the great pun she stumbled into.

Nurse Nikki?  More like Negative Nikki.  I don't want to dance.  I don't like Kat.  I don't like group dates.  I want alone time.  Geez.  It's really tiring.  But apparently JP was pretty impressed with how well she can change diapers, so she got the group date rose.

Seoul-o Date #1: Pavarotti

The date card asked the Pav if she is his "Seoul Mate."  This season has the best puns.  

Pavarotti and JP went to a market.  They couldn't handle the food, smells, and clothing.  These two will not be settling down in South Korea.  

Mrs. Wags thinks Pavarotti could be prettier and smarter than any woman that has ever been on the Bachelor.   A bold statement.  I will be up until at least midnight preparing my rebuttal.  

JP begged Pavarotti to sing.  Got to give the people, give the people what they want!  She sang a few bars.  She sounded pretty good.  (I have been to exactly zero operas in my life, but I was a college radio DJ with Dugan, so I am capable of rendering an opinion on musical skills).

Things took a turn for the worst when JP asked how many kids she wants to have.  Her response: "I don't even think about kids."  Pavarotti took a big risk and proved that honesty is, in fact, the best policy. So is gun control.  But that's for another policy blog that I write.  

Pavarotti got the rose.  

Group Date #2: Vidal Sassoon, Abbie Carmichael, Mama Renee, Dog Lover, Nanny Ally, and Mozart

The date took them to a life-size dollhouse where you do karaoke.  Now we're talking!  Let's get weird!

After quickly leaving the dollhouse singing party, they went to a photo booth place (unimpressed...we have those in San Francisco), paddle boating (crappy compared to the Jeep Water boat last week), and to a fish-eating-dead-skin-on-your-feet pedicure place (perfect...back to getting weird!).

Vidal got a little scared by the unique(?) octopus they had to eat.  It looked pretty fried and not so scary, but who can blame her:

Goose Egg in Sacramento

Ice Cream update: Mrs. Wags just found the floor ice cream in the sink.  When she asked why it was in there, I replied, "You'll have to read the blog to find out."  Have to get readers somehow.

For some strange reason, JP decided to pump the brakes on kissing the women, noting that he "has a daughter" and shouldn't be kissing so many women on TV.  Is his daughter really watching this show? She's four!!!  Unless this show is converted to cartoon format and shown on Saturday mornings, I have a feeling she won't be seeing any of it.  Unfortunately for Mama Renee and Mozart, JP's sudden kiss rejections appeared to be an indication of his feelings towards them.

Vidal Sassoon had other plans in mind.  Determined, she went for a make out session moments after JP rejected the other two women.  JP is not known for his logic.

Proving that he can be a wild card, JP gave the rose to Abbie Carmichael.  In the end, she was the one he really Juanted.

Rose Ceremony

The highlight of the rose ceremony was Negative Nikki interrupting JP's time with Vidal Sassoon.  Negative Nikki took her time with JP to inform him that women who are interested in men will always look away rather than look at them.  When asked who said that, Negative replied "Science."  I'm definitely using that tactic at work tomorrow.  "Counsel, what is the basis for your argument?"  "The law, your Honor.  The law says so."

Joining Negative Nikki, Pavarotti, and Abbie Carmichael with roses were:

Mama Renee
Teacher Chelsie
Dog Lover (unbelievable how long this is going on)
Danielle (spoke zero words this week, but got one rose)
8 Mile
Nanny Ally
Vidal Sassoon
Kat

Taking the long flight home alone from South Korea were Yule Log Hottie and Mozart.

Until next week with Dugan in Vietnam...