The Bachelor Episode Ocho: Juan Love

Who's ready for four hours of the Bachelor this week?!

I said, Who's ready for four hours of Juan Pablo this week!?!?!?!?

(Hearing nothing)

Okay.  I get the point.  You were never ready.  But Dugan and I are here to get you through it.  And to help me tonight, I have a Boulevardier (google it) and Mexican chocolate ice cream (quickly becoming a favorite).  But maybe I should pitch a new flavor:

Vanilla Ice

On to the show (where there is no question that Mama Renee is going home, right?)

Hometown Date #1: Nurse Nikki in Kansas City

Nikki started off the date in a park, running towards Juan Pablo.  But no jumping hug.  Interesting.  There are certain parts of the show I really like (Chris Harrison #1, Neil Lane #2).  Jumping hugs are up there.  Maybe the next hometown.

They went to a barbecue place.  Juan Pablo (maybe) had never had barbecue before.  These relationships are doomed.  (Before you say, "Aren't all relationships on the Bachelor doomed," I'd like to direct your attention to Trista and Ryan...this show works!).

After literally riding the mechanical bull, Nurse Nikki couldn't pull the trigger on saying "I love you."  

Nikki then took JP to her family's mansion.  Her family seems very all-American.  I'm guessing they were not too thrilled when Nikki got her back tattoo.

At dinner, Nikki's family asked about the long flight to Korea.  Nikki revealed that JP sat in first class while the ladies slummed it in coach.  I hope at least one of them did their best Kristen Wiig impression:



JP had a discussion with Nikki's dad.  And by discussion, I mean Juan Pablo went full-ESL and confused everyone trying to comprehend what he meant to say about his feelings for Nikki.  At this point, I was sad that Pavarotti was off the show.  It would have been incredible to see how her Ivy League parents would handle Juan Pablo's nonsense.

JP left.  Nikki never told JP she loves him.  Weak display Nikki.  Even an M&M can profess it's love for JP.

Hometown #2: Abbie Carmichael's Atlanta

This date is also known as Abbie Carmichael's audition for the next Bachelorette.  Before going to meet her family, Abbie took JP to shoot some guns.  Personally, I was hoping for a moot court competition, but our lawyerly dreams can't always come true.

At the range, Abbie proved that she's from the South.  Juan Pablo proved that he might be cross-eyed.

Abbie/Andi took JP to meet her family at another upper middle class looking house.  Abbie's dad proved that he might understand the Bachelor process quite well; criticizing JP for waiting so long to take Abbie on a one-on-one date.  I wonder if he is one of our anonymous commenters?

Abbie's dad's name is Hy.  I went on babynames.com and found that Hy is short for Hyman.  I have too much respect (read: fear) of Hy to make fun of that.  After briefly researching, it appears that the most famous person named Hyman is Krusty the Clown's father on the Simpsons: Rabbi Hyman Krustofski.  But since I was never allowed to watch the Simpson's growing up, I don't really get my own reference.

Forbidden Cartoon

In the end, Abbie's dad really wasn't all that bad.  Typical Fleiss and Co. manipulation of the audience to think that there were going to be real fireworks between JP and the dad.

Hometown #3: Mama Renee in Sarasota

Renee started off the segment by announcing that Sarasota is her "favorite place in the world," and when she sees her son she is "literally going to eat him."  She's currently a machine gun of crazy statements.    (Admittedly, I don't know much about Sarasota, so I googled it to make sure that I wasn't  unfairly ripping on it.  Turns out, I was fairly ripping on it.  This story is from TODAY).

When her son Ben came to meet them before his little league game, Mama Renee went full "mama" and picked up Ben off the ground for a big hug.  IN FRONT OF HIS WHOLE TEAM.  I can't imagine a more embarrassing moment.  In his little league game, Ben ended the game by turning a double play.  Maybe Juan Pablo will be begging Ben for autographs one day.

Later in the day, they went to Renee's parents' house.  I really hope she gets booted this week.  She (and her family) seem way to nice for this JP bozo.  (I think I am going to start calling people "bozo" more often.  But that could be whisky logic at this point).

Though she wanted to tell JP that she loves him, she balked.  Don't worry Renee, no one else has professed their love either.

Hometown #4: Vidal Sassoon in Sacramento 

Vidal started off the date in a park because she "played a lot in parks as a child."  If I went by Vidal's logic, Mrs. Wags and I are having an awesome date: watersides, baseball card stores, Burger King, and going to bed at 7:30 p.m.

Dream date

After skipping rocks at the park, the date continued at Vidal's mom's house with Vidal's five sisters (no joke).  Vidal's sisters all seemed pretty smitten with JP, except for her sister Lara.  Lara said that their mama would not give permission to JP for a proposal.  Vidal instantly broke into tears.  "Mama" hardly said a word.  Lara kept butting in with her two cents.  Lara reminded me of Alby Grant from Big Love.  Any Big Love fans out there?

By the way, Lara looked a little bit like Alby Grant.  Lara is, how shall I say, a little bit unfortunate looking.

Vidal and her sisters kept calling their mom, Mama.  They all referred to their dad as Daddy.  Very FLDS.

Once Vidal's mom finally got a chance to talk, I had a very hard time understanding her.  I know of some people that might be able to interpret what she was saying:



The date ended uneventfully.

Rose Ceremony

Back in Miami, the roses went to:
Nurse Nikki
Vidal Sassoon Clare
Abbie Carmichael

Predictably (see above), Mama Renee got the boot.  Her only fantasy suite will be back in Sarasota.

Until tomorrow, when Dugan takes us to St. Lucia...