The Bachelorette Episode 10: It's Neil Lane Time

It's finale night.  You know what that means, right?  It means true love will be found! (okay, maybe not).  It means Neil Lane will be on the show! (not a guarantee).  It means Chris Harrison will finally get the air time he deserves! (unlikely).

There is only one thing guaranteed in this crazy, mixed-up Bachelor/ette world: I will be celebrating with Four Roses bourbon and ice cream one last time!  And to completely come clean, I had a small glass of Rosé with dinner. I don't know what's in store for Andi, but this will easily be my most romantic drinking night of the season. But enough about my vices, let's continue with the recap.

This final episode is coming to you live with Chris B. Harrison, our spiritual guide and beacon of light for hopeless romantics everywhere.  Harrison drops a bomb on the audience: the guy who lost is still in love and even went to Mexico on one of Andi's vacations to try and win her back (read: one of these guys is really, really pitiful).  

Hans Meets the Fam

Hans, my pick to win it all, met Andi's family.  Andi's dad, Hy, said he's never seen one of Andi's dates so nervous.  How crazy is it that her dad has a reference point for comparison?  You know you've been involved with ABC's The Bachelor/ette too long when your dad can say something like that.  

Hans tells the Dorfmans that he loves that Andi is a "career-driven" woman. Does Hans realize that Andi has quit her job twice to be on this show?  As Detective Dugan previously pointed out, she probably only worked as a lawyer for 18 months, max.  Let's just say I'm not prepared to give her any awards.  

That's Gloria Steinem, real feminist.  

Andi Dorman, anti-feminist and part-time Kardashian impersonator

As I was typing, the date just flew by.  Hans got permission to marry Andi.  

Josh Griffey Jr. Meets the Fam

Josh also arrived to meet Andi's family.  Hy said Josh was nervous.  Josh said Josh was nervous.  I even got nervous (but only after I noticed that Andi's sister had a tattoo of a turtle on her shoulder...I REALLY hope she got it on this "meet the family" trip).  

The Dorfmans disliked Josh because he is just like every over-confident jock that she has dated.  I don't even know Andi, but even I can see that he is like every other Atlanta jock that she has dated.  

Andi's dad called Versailles, "Ver-sal."  Do your thing, Hy.  

Josh b.s.'d his way into getting permission from Hy.   

Josh's Last Date

They took one last yacht ride together.  Andi rhetorically asked, "is this all too good to be true?"  To you, Andi, I concisely answer, "Yes."  

Josh says he wants to marry "his best friend."  Please refer to the title of this week's blog post:  "Week 10."  Declaring someone your best friend after 10 weeks only works when you're six years old and 10 weeks constitutes a significant percentage of your entire life.  In their hit song, "You're My Best Friend," Queen's Freddy Mercury pointed out that "I've been with you such a long time."  If Freddy says time matters, it must be so.



Josh then said he wants to "make her my wife."  Why do I feel like I have entered into a country music lyric whenever Josh talks?  

Josh wrote a letter to Andi and read it out loud.  I guess I feel better about him knowing that he can read.  

Josh then presented Andi with her very own Andi Murray baseball card.  This moment must have made Dugan's nickname dreams come true:

I really want Josh to lose (but I also kind of want Hans to lose).

Hans's Final Date

I've had about enough of these dates.  When is Neil Lane going to show up?  We've been waiting all season for that moment.  I don't need to see another helicopter/yacht/ATV/beach/picnic/waterfall/chardonnay scene.  I need a slim fit black suit with an white, unbuttoned dress shirt.

He always delivers

While swimming in a lagoon, Josh said he wants to marry Andi.  This isn't really news or revelatory, but it happened, so I guess I should write about it.

The date continued with dinner later that night and more chardonnay, of course.  Hans and Andi then made out for awhile.  These types of moments are always my favorite because one guy will presumably propose marriage in the next 24-48 hours.  He will then re-watch this episode.  He will see the other guy making out with his fiancé.  So I ask you, dear reader, WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER GO ON THIS SHOW!?!?!?   

To be on the cover of US Weekly of course, said Mrs. Dugan

Neil Lane

All of my dreams came true.  Neil Lane arrived to explain the 4 C's to these guys.  Neil Lane loves an emerald cut because it's for a strong woman.  Josh agreed.

Hans was waiting for Neil in his thatch-roof hut, but Andi showed up instead.  And she wasn't wearing makeup.  Not a good sign for Hans.  Looks like Andi has her "crying face" ready.  Once Hans saw Andi sans-mascara, he could see the writing on the wall.  Andi broke up with him.  Hans had a great response by pointing out that Andi "took it too far."  Good point Hans.  Why do the Bachelor/ettes always give into the pressures of Fleiss and Co. and lead the loser on so much?  It must be contractual, right?  Lawyers.  It's always the lawyers.  

Andi left in tears.  Hans stood by the railing of his room and nearly gave us a full Mesnick, but sadly we only got a Flajnik (lean over the rail, no tears).  Mrs. Wags wants to know what a "Pavelka" would be.  

Do the Pavelka

Rose Ceremony

Hans is already on the slow boat to Wisconsin, so there will not be any surprises in this rose ceremony.  

Once again, Josh Griffey Jr. said that he gave up his first love of baseball to find a family.  I would be remiss if I didn't point out that he likely gave up baseball because he was a career .213 hitter in single-A minor league baseball.  

Josh's speech cadence is the same as Kenny Powers.  Andi is April.  HOW AM I JUST REALIZING THIS NOW!?  Oh no, the season is slipping away.  She's the one with the career.  He's a loser.  They're from Georgia.  They live in Georgia.  His baseball career has been over for years.  THEY ARE KENNY AND APRIL.  Season is ending.  Must madly type comparisons...oh no....fading....to.....black.......

The Bachelor Episode Cuatro: Juan Love

I start tonight's post with a heavy heart.  As I was preparing the mandatory accouterments for the Bachelor (ice cream and whisky), I accidentally dumped a full scoop of ice cream on the ground.  After spending more than five seconds debating whether the five second rule applies to ice cream, I finally made the decision it had to be sacrificed to the sink.  If Mrs. Wags and I did not have a dog, I might have made a different decision.  I like ice cream.  Deal with it.  On to the show....

Having watched some of Sean and Lennay Kekua's wedding last night, I am in the mood for some grown sexy time with Juan Pablo and the ladies in South Korea.  This begs the question, will Dog Lover bring her service animal on this trip?

I'll sit this one out

I really enjoyed how excited the ladies were to go to KOREA!!!  Ko-RE-AAAAAA!!!  I'm sure it's very nice, but I have NO clue what Seoul tourism is like.

Group Date: Teacher Chelsie, 8 Mile, Yule Log, Danielle, Kat, and Nurse Nikki

JP took the ladies to a place to dance K-Pop style.  Apparently, this is just like Gagnam Style dancing.  Nice work on being current Fleiss and Co.  Maybe Gotye will be performing later in the show.  

The ladies learned a dance from a top K-Pop band called "21."  I was impressed by the acting job some of ladies did when they pretended to have heard of 21.

The dance class went well, focusing mostly on Kat's dance skills.  That must be pretty embarrassing for 8 Mile, a former NBA dancer.  Nurse Nikki, on the other hand, complained about having to dance.  She became especially irritable when she found out that the ladies would be dancing backup for 21....in a mall.  Huh?  21 must be the Santa Claus of Korean mall performers.   

Juan Santa

At the evening portion of the date, the girls couldn't help but hate on fun-loving Kat and her desire for attention.  If you were hating on Kat too, I'll bet you felt pretty bad when she revealed that she has a deadbeat, alcoholic dad that got 7 DUIs.  8 Mile didn't like that there was "Kattiness" starting.   8 Mile didn't even realize the great pun she stumbled into.

Nurse Nikki?  More like Negative Nikki.  I don't want to dance.  I don't like Kat.  I don't like group dates.  I want alone time.  Geez.  It's really tiring.  But apparently JP was pretty impressed with how well she can change diapers, so she got the group date rose.

Seoul-o Date #1: Pavarotti

The date card asked the Pav if she is his "Seoul Mate."  This season has the best puns.  

Pavarotti and JP went to a market.  They couldn't handle the food, smells, and clothing.  These two will not be settling down in South Korea.  

Mrs. Wags thinks Pavarotti could be prettier and smarter than any woman that has ever been on the Bachelor.   A bold statement.  I will be up until at least midnight preparing my rebuttal.  

JP begged Pavarotti to sing.  Got to give the people, give the people what they want!  She sang a few bars.  She sounded pretty good.  (I have been to exactly zero operas in my life, but I was a college radio DJ with Dugan, so I am capable of rendering an opinion on musical skills).

Things took a turn for the worst when JP asked how many kids she wants to have.  Her response: "I don't even think about kids."  Pavarotti took a big risk and proved that honesty is, in fact, the best policy. So is gun control.  But that's for another policy blog that I write.  

Pavarotti got the rose.  

Group Date #2: Vidal Sassoon, Abbie Carmichael, Mama Renee, Dog Lover, Nanny Ally, and Mozart

The date took them to a life-size dollhouse where you do karaoke.  Now we're talking!  Let's get weird!

After quickly leaving the dollhouse singing party, they went to a photo booth place (unimpressed...we have those in San Francisco), paddle boating (crappy compared to the Jeep Water boat last week), and to a fish-eating-dead-skin-on-your-feet pedicure place (perfect...back to getting weird!).

Vidal got a little scared by the unique(?) octopus they had to eat.  It looked pretty fried and not so scary, but who can blame her:

Goose Egg in Sacramento

Ice Cream update: Mrs. Wags just found the floor ice cream in the sink.  When she asked why it was in there, I replied, "You'll have to read the blog to find out."  Have to get readers somehow.

For some strange reason, JP decided to pump the brakes on kissing the women, noting that he "has a daughter" and shouldn't be kissing so many women on TV.  Is his daughter really watching this show? She's four!!!  Unless this show is converted to cartoon format and shown on Saturday mornings, I have a feeling she won't be seeing any of it.  Unfortunately for Mama Renee and Mozart, JP's sudden kiss rejections appeared to be an indication of his feelings towards them.

Vidal Sassoon had other plans in mind.  Determined, she went for a make out session moments after JP rejected the other two women.  JP is not known for his logic.

Proving that he can be a wild card, JP gave the rose to Abbie Carmichael.  In the end, she was the one he really Juanted.

Rose Ceremony

The highlight of the rose ceremony was Negative Nikki interrupting JP's time with Vidal Sassoon.  Negative Nikki took her time with JP to inform him that women who are interested in men will always look away rather than look at them.  When asked who said that, Negative replied "Science."  I'm definitely using that tactic at work tomorrow.  "Counsel, what is the basis for your argument?"  "The law, your Honor.  The law says so."

Joining Negative Nikki, Pavarotti, and Abbie Carmichael with roses were:

Mama Renee
Teacher Chelsie
Dog Lover (unbelievable how long this is going on)
Danielle (spoke zero words this week, but got one rose)
8 Mile
Nanny Ally
Vidal Sassoon
Kat

Taking the long flight home alone from South Korea were Yule Log Hottie and Mozart.

Until next week with Dugan in Vietnam...

The Bachelorette Episode 8: Say Yes to the Des

It's Monday night!  You know what time it is.  It's time for whiskey and ice cream.  While I have the usual simple whiskey cocktail, I also am eating Mrs. Wags' homemade peach ice cream.  When I say ICE, you say CREAM.  ICE....CREAM.   ICE....CREAM.  I can almost hear you at home, I'm so excited.

Okay sugar.  Let's start the episode.  It's hometown date week.  We're back in the United States after a worldwide (i.e. Germany, Spain, Portugal) tour.

Dallas with Shirtless Zak

Shirtless Zak started his date with...a shirt.  How disappointing.  He has a reputation, and nickname, to live up to.  At least he looked as orange as usual.

Zak apparently dropped acid before his date.  He told Des about a dream where he and Des were on the beach.  They melted into the sand.  Then it started snowing.

Zak is the color of much of Dali's paint

The LSDream turned out to foreshadow Zak's family business: sno-cones.  Zak then put on a penguin costume to advertise the sno-cone truck.

I just re-read those last three paragraphs.  Am I on drugs?  Did Mrs. Wags spike my ice cream?  Is this real life?

The date continued with dinner at Zak's family's house (all wearing shirts...but who knows what the dessert course might hold?).  Zak's family was unexpectedly normal.  They sang a song together and all sounded like they could be on The Voice.   I guess they're just a very talented family.

Zak ended the date by giving Des a promise ring and saying he loved her.  Though Zak probably does not stand a chance of winning this thing, he made a strong push for next-Bachelor on this episode.

Scottsdale with Drew Who

Drew is taking Des to his Mom's house.  It will be the first time his Dad has ever been there.  Is this the proper venue for this kind of family reunion?

(Interesting sidenote: Mrs. Wags just asked me, "What's this guy's name?"  Yes, it's Drew Who?)

Drew took Des to meet his severely disabled sister.  This is intense.  I'm impressed with how well Des handled it, especially when his sister flipped Des's hair.  I thought a fight was about to break out.

At the family house, Drew's Dad asked if Des believes in angels.  "Yes," she quickly replied.  Well have you ever met one?  "Uh...I haven't."  You have met an angel now.  Drew's disabled sister.  Once again, well handled by Des.  That was not an easy line of questioning.

Drew's father's name is Malachi.  I can't decide if I think that's a really badass name or if I'm a little scared of it.

The date ended with Drew looking like he could win it all (even though I'm still not convinced that women are right for Drew).

Oregon with Chris

The third date was with Chris, the only remaining guy without a nickname.  If our past experiences on this blog are any indication, you have no chance of winning the Bachelor(ette) unless we've given you a nickname.

Chris took Des to a baseball field.  Des proved to be pretty decent, backing up her outdoorsy/athletic image that Fleiss and Co. have been pushing on us since day one.

Don't call her, maybe.  

But feel free to call her, Maeby.

At the dinner with Chris's family, Dr. Chris's Dad, a chiropractor, took Des to his home office and adjusted her back.  I loved that he had to put on his white doctor's coat and name tag to do some home procedures.  He's a consummate professional.

After treating Des, Chris stepped up to the plate (see what I did there?). Dr. Chris's Dad gave him a nose adjustment by shoving an air pump up his nose.  This date is turning into a terrible advertisement for chiropractors.

While Des conversed with Chris's weird Mom, Chris's siblings told him how much they disliked his ex-girlfriend.

The date ended poemless.  Chris does not seem like he's going to win it all.

Salt Lake City with Hockey Hair Brooks

Brooks started off the date by letting the audience know that he's "not sure how he feels about Des."

They started by taking out a row boat. Snooze.  There's nothing interesting about rowing.  Trust me on this one.

Brooks then took Des to meet his giant family.  All twenty of them wore name tags.  How very polite.

Brooks's brothers(?) then asked him a bunch of romantic, yet tough questions about whether he actually loves Des.  He did not actually answer any of the questions.  Brooks really seems to be struggling with this process.

Back in LA with Nate

Nasty Nate is Des's brother.  He's a royal jerk that got her kicked off the show last year.  If you just started watching the show this season, shame on you.  Read Dugan's take on Nate from last season.

Des revealed that she hasn't seen Nate since last season.  That sounds complicated.

The best part about Nate, other than his hand tattoos, is that he calls a spade a spade.  Or in this case, he calls a ridiculous reality show ridiculous.  Nate is too real for Fleiss and Co.

Rose Ceremony

Hockey Hair Brooks takes rose #1.  Chris (what!?) takes rose #2.  The final rose went to Drew Who.

Shirtless Zak is headed home.  I'm actually a little sad.  Not like I'm fully-crying sad, but more like tickle-in-the-back-of-my-throat sad.  I just don't want my last memory of Zak to be in a penguin outfit.  That's why I'll leave you with this:

Gone, and probably forgotten.

Until next week, when the men tell all.

The Bachelor Episode 7: It's Still Hard to Believe Jake is the Bachelor

Welcome to the Jake fantasy date show (yuck). This week's show started with a look back at how love blossomed with the three finalists. A recap, if you will. Liz and I were graciously hosted by our friends in Sausalito, Erin and Eric. Erin astutely noticed that Vienna was wearing a locket on the first episode. The locket was open. It obviously had a picture of...wait for it...JAKE. Psycho much? If the rumors are true that Vienna wins this whole thing, this could be one of the largest lapses in judgment since Brad the Twin chose no one. On to the summary (and direct plagiarism of Dugan's format from last week's summary):

Date #1 - Gia and the Whitest Dude in America

Jake and Gia ventured to a slightly more "urban" part of St. Lucia. After Jake bought a really cool choker pukka shell necklace (and by cool, I mean cool for a sophomore at an all-guys high school...I didn't have one of those...yes I did). Then Jake started dancing with Gia next to a street musician. This was alarming. Jake is not going to be on Dancing with the Stars anytime soon. His performance makes me really happy that I named all of my fantasy baseball teams the Dancing Pavelkas (yeah, you read that right..."all of my fantasy baseball teams"...I only have three). Gia suffered from the Bachelor/ette curse of not "letting him know" how much she cares until it was too late. Gia also suffered in the media this week. Her romances with professional baseball players and hockey players along with her Heidi Montag-esque love of plastic surgery did her no favors in the court of public opinion.


Date #2 - Tenley and the Black Sand Beach


Tenley, the crowd-favorite at this point, had her date start out with another helicopter ride up on the helicopter blades of love. Tenley once again worries about being cheated on. Let me be the first to assure you Tenley, Jake is not going to cheat on you. He's perfect...remember? Jake and Tenley proceeded to a black sand beach (Tenley's first time!). They sat on the beach and had the most meaningless conversation about love. I had to ask multiple times, "What the hell are they talking about?" This platitude-filled conversation only confirmed that Tenley and Jake are perfect for each other. Tenley danced with Jake again with some flamenco music in the background. Flamenco music and the Bachelor go together like Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire. Tenley then nervously accepts the fantasy suite invite because she's a born-again virgin or something like that. She delivered my favorite line of the night when she said, "I absolutely (pause) cannot wait (pause) to (pause) watch our first sunrise together." I wasn't sure where she was headed with that one, but in hindsight, I wouldn't have expected anything else from the Little Mermaid.


Date #3 - Vienna and the Pirate Patch


In an effort at cross-promotion, Vienna and Jake went on the Pirates of the Caribbean ship. Proving that he had a dysfunctional childhood, Jake put on a pirate eye patch and then closed the uncovered eye. Vienna told him that he had to open the other eye, silly! Jake is so strange. I can't wait for my prediction that Jake has no guy friends to come true. On this date, Jake wanted to make sure "it's not just sexual" with Vienna. Do you think they've even had sex? I highly doubt it. Jake should really want to make sure that Vienna isn't going to divorce him and take half his money. At the end of their date, Jake informs Vienna that she should be aware that he has "fallen for two other women." I appreciate Jake's honesty throughout this process, but sometimes you should just shut the hell up. I can't believe that Vienna is going to win the whole thing.


Wrap Up - This is Getting to Be Too Easy


Before the rose ceremony, Ali called to see if Jake would let her come back. This is getting to be very embarrassing for Ali. One of her equally fake blond Marina-girlfriends needs to remind her that it's freaking JAKE that she's broken up about. Jake rejects her in scripted fashion by saying "you drove away with a piece of my heart." What a goober this guy is.


I once again predicted the exact order of the rose distribution. Gia got the boot and had to go out to the reject-bench (it looks like the same bench every season - Eric figured that it must get passed around like the Stanley Cup). Jake gives Gia one last neck/shoulder kiss and it was back to the group hugs inside. Until next week, when Dugan takes over the summary.