Welcome to the Jake fantasy date show (yuck). This week's show started with a look back at how love blossomed with the three finalists. A recap, if you will. Liz and I were graciously hosted by our friends in Sausalito, Erin and Eric. Erin astutely noticed that Vienna was wearing a locket on the first episode. The locket was open. It obviously had a picture of...wait for it...JAKE. Psycho much? If the rumors are true that Vienna wins this whole thing, this could be one of the largest lapses in judgment since Brad the Twin chose no one. On to the summary (and direct plagiarism of Dugan's format from last week's summary):
Date #1 - Gia and the Whitest Dude in America
Jake and Gia ventured to a slightly more "urban" part of St. Lucia. After Jake bought a really cool choker pukka shell necklace (and by cool, I mean cool for a sophomore at an all-guys high school...I didn't have one of those...yes I did). Then Jake started dancing with Gia next to a street musician. This was alarming. Jake is not going to be on Dancing with the Stars anytime soon. His performance makes me really happy that I named all of my fantasy baseball teams the Dancing Pavelkas (yeah, you read that right..."all of my fantasy baseball teams"...I only have three). Gia suffered from the Bachelor/ette curse of not "letting him know" how much she cares until it was too late. Gia also suffered in the media this week. Her romances with professional baseball players and hockey players along with her Heidi Montag-esque love of plastic surgery did her no favors in the court of public opinion.
Date #2 - Tenley and the Black Sand Beach
Tenley, the crowd-favorite at this point, had her date start out with another helicopter ride up on the helicopter blades of love. Tenley once again worries about being cheated on. Let me be the first to assure you Tenley, Jake is not going to cheat on you. He's perfect...remember? Jake and Tenley proceeded to a black sand beach (Tenley's first time!). They sat on the beach and had the most meaningless conversation about love. I had to ask multiple times, "What the hell are they talking about?" This platitude-filled conversation only confirmed that Tenley and Jake are perfect for each other. Tenley danced with Jake again with some flamenco music in the background. Flamenco music and the Bachelor go together like Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire. Tenley then nervously accepts the fantasy suite invite because she's a born-again virgin or something like that. She delivered my favorite line of the night when she said, "I absolutely (pause) cannot wait (pause) to (pause) watch our first sunrise together." I wasn't sure where she was headed with that one, but in hindsight, I wouldn't have expected anything else from the Little Mermaid.
Date #3 - Vienna and the Pirate Patch
In an effort at cross-promotion, Vienna and Jake went on the Pirates of the Caribbean ship. Proving that he had a dysfunctional childhood, Jake put on a pirate eye patch and then closed the uncovered eye. Vienna told him that he had to open the other eye, silly! Jake is so strange. I can't wait for my prediction that Jake has no guy friends to come true. On this date, Jake wanted to make sure "it's not just sexual" with Vienna. Do you think they've even had sex? I highly doubt it. Jake should really want to make sure that Vienna isn't going to divorce him and take half his money. At the end of their date, Jake informs Vienna that she should be aware that he has "fallen for two other women." I appreciate Jake's honesty throughout this process, but sometimes you should just shut the hell up. I can't believe that Vienna is going to win the whole thing.
Wrap Up - This is Getting to Be Too Easy
Before the rose ceremony, Ali called to see if Jake would let her come back. This is getting to be very embarrassing for Ali. One of her equally fake blond Marina-girlfriends needs to remind her that it's freaking JAKE that she's broken up about. Jake rejects her in scripted fashion by saying "you drove away with a piece of my heart." What a goober this guy is.
I once again predicted the exact order of the rose distribution. Gia got the boot and had to go out to the reject-bench (it looks like the same bench every season - Eric figured that it must get passed around like the Stanley Cup). Jake gives Gia one last neck/shoulder kiss and it was back to the group hugs inside. Until next week, when Dugan takes over the summary.
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I did my first run at a bill simmons-esque running diary for this episode.
ReplyDeleteHere it is:
8:00) Can't stand that this show is 2hrs long, fast forward through
the first segment...
8:11) St. Lucia coconut choppers don't have anything on Brazilian
coconut choppers. Scroll to the bottom to see pros at work...
http://internationalbusinessperspectives.blogspot.com/2009/09/road-trip.html
8:16) Gia - "For the rest of my life this necklace, will be on my
wrist, I wear necklaces on my wrist, and when I say for the rest of my
life, I mean for the rest of this episode"
8:22). Jake: Gia, you're so deep
Gia: Well, I'm, like closed in the beginning but this process has
opened me up like, like... You don't even know
Mike: Falling asleep
Gia: You're so deep... I've never met a guy that can say 1/2 of what you say
Jake: Cheers to you (so profound)
Jake then get's a letter from David Axelrod asking him to be a speech writer for Obama, oh, no, wait - its the fantasy suite card, and Gia is ready to go all the way, no one is shocked
8:36) Tenly: "Is this the rain forest?"
Jake: "It was the rain forest, then it was a rubber tire manufacturing
plant, but it closed down 65 years ago after a chemical explosion, but I'm sure it is safe for humans now. Let's have a picnic here next to the rust remains of this heavy machinery"
8:37) Jake says in 20 years he will still have a little boy crush on
his wife. Further confirming the "Big" theory. Little does he know,
in 20 years his 12 year old inner-self will be 32 at which point he'll
finally feel the need to upgrade his orange swatch watch.
8:42) Baron Davis guest starring on The Forgotten... Is this why he bolted the warriors? To start an acting career in LA now that he can't jump anymore?
ReplyDelete8:45) So I heard an interview with Wes after he got kicked off last season and he talked a lot about how Jake was 'a bit pretchy' - at "dinner" tenly is using a lot of jargon here I think Jake is used to hearing - Tenly should be in the drivers seat now - which really means she'll prob get sent home in the next 10 min
Side note: They should really show less stuff from previous episodes and more eating. How gross was it when Wes stuck his whole hand in his mouth to dig piaia of his wisdom teeth holes? That's great TV. Table awkwardness is a great part of dating and needs to be featured more.
8:49) Jake can't wait to see his first sunrise with Tenly. Did they actually watch it? You'll never know. They don't like to show walk of shames. Again, how great was it when Molly came back to the house wearing Jason's basketball shorts? answer: extremely great. Another thing wholly omitted by the show: Bathroom breaks. What does an oddball like jake do for the 7 1/2 minutes by himself without a cell phone when his date goes to the bathroom?
9:06) Jake starts talking ring types - which would be awesome if this is the episode Vienna get sent home. I love that Jake basically asked every parent if it was cool if he asked their daughter to marry him, not shown on the show was the Terms and Conditions sheet those people signed before appearing on the show. If it were you could see Section II - Paragrah 6 which says, "any request for permission of proposal, will not necessary result in said proposal, that's just jake covering his bases". And Jake knows way too much about rings.
ReplyDelete9:20 --> 9:16) my comcast remote sucks, fast fwding gives you about a 1/3 chance of skipping all the way to the beginning or end of the show. So it also has skip functions that send u 5 minutes fwd and then I use the 15 seconds back button to avoid the rewind pitfall. Seeing Ali phone faces every 15 seconds in reverse was priceless! It was like watching pictures of someone playing blackjack with more money then they are comfortable betting.
9:18) Ali Calling St. Lucia - Do you think the Penny Savers gives their advertising teams blackberry worldphones?
9:21) Jake even holds a phone awkwardly
9:30) Jake says each girl has a, "piece of my heart" - I immediately
crave a slice of pepperoni
9:31) Tenly is the only likable girl left. She has to win right?
ReplyDelete9:34) Chris Harrison seems like he can't get this 1on1 conversation over with fast enough so he can go play golf, "So three women, uhm, forget their name but they made you a video, talk to you later" Do you think that Chris is pissed this guy was chosen to be the Bachelor? He seems get less and less screen time? Is that accurate?
9:43) sincere videos of three women in love with the biggest doof on tv
9:45) Dan Ashely's teaser for the 11 o'clock news: 3D movies may be bad for your eyes! BUT did you know, Teena can't see the effects of 3D movies! Hilarious, nick took her to see Coraline when ever that came out and nick was jumping all over the place and teena watched a blurry movie.
9:50) Jake has the first rose, it think its a lock to go to Tenly. If it goes to Tenly, then he has to pick Gia over Vienna, right? If he goes Gia, the Tenly destroys Vienna in a head's up decision. The only way Vienna gets a rose is if Jake has already made up his mind that the other two girls will eventually leave him.
9:51) Tenly gets it. Good. I'm not totally off base with my bachelor logic. Gia is wearing a great sparkly dress, and while this hasn't worked out for other women, I think Vienna has to go home.
NOW ITS TIME FOR THE FINAL ROSE
ReplyDeleteI had to say it, cus chris didn't - which means he wasn't in St Lucia. Second trip he didn't go on? Either this guy does not have a passport or there was a power struggle over who to pick for the bachelor.
9:51) Gia looks much more confident about her rose getting abilities...
9:52) Vienna - even jake is pissed off at himself. It sounded like he threw up in his mouth before he said it. I hope Gia gives him back his necklace-bracelet.
9:56) Standing champagne cheers get a rating of 5-awkward-Jakes (highest marks possible)
9:58) "The most dramatic finale ever, two helicopters, the two finalist, 1 mid air collision, who survives???"
10:01 (really 11:25) A Russian ice dancer tosses his partner directly on to the ground the Russian's run of gold metals in the event.
A few comments from the Dugan view:
ReplyDelete1. I named my fantasy team "12th Century Tuscan" after a great winery that has a dungeon...oh, and because it was hilariously included in the Bachelor.
2. My favorite part of the show has become the mistakes. Tenley and Jake in the pool...Tenley's hair goes from dry to wet to dry to wet to dry...and again to wet in about 45 seconds.
3. The Ali/Jake phone call was painful to watch. They must have shot that "scene" in different locations. There were wardrobe changes and all. It was odd that they were pretending it was real.
4. Gia busted out the big guns for the rose ceremony after hiding them for most of the season and Jake was predictably flustered. I was surprised that Tenley made it over Gia. If all the rumors are true and Vienna wins, I think its a dick move to take Tenley along for the finale ride.
5. When ABC showed Tenley and Ali's parents consenting to marriage, you had to know it wouldn't be one of them. These things are filmed months ago and they show you what they want to show you. He may have asked Gia's Dr. Melfi and Vienna's dad as well, but they choose not to show it.
6. Jake is awful. Can he talk any more about how "perfect" he is? Everyone I have ever met in my life is more interesting than Mr. Pavelka. That includes people at the DMV.
Some obervations from the relentlessly snowy Midwest:
ReplyDelete1) Jake is the biggest douche ever:I was fairly certain of this and he sealed the deal last night. When Gia attempted to get him to open up and say something that ABC hadn't written for him, Jake resorts to blowing smoke up his own ass with this gem: "the thing about me is . . .I put other people in front of me." Really Jake? That's the most insight you could give her. I agree with Wags that there is no way in hell Jake has any male friends, but I'm now certain that he doesn't have any friends at all.
2)Tenley has yet to realize that Jake is ALREADY cheating on her. If she would take a minute in between dancing and talking about her broken heart, she would realize that Jake is bound to cheat on her because he's already doing it with two other women who have to be much better in bed than her.
3) The only reason I can see that Jake chose Tenley over Gia is because he felt guilty over presumably taking her second V-card. I can't wait for her broken heart dance after the finale.