The Bacherlorette: The Doublemint Episodes Are Over? Or Not.

We have eliminated Britt but the Bachelorette hasn’t officially become the Kaitlyn show just yet. We still have the Brady situation to deal with. Britt’s emotional call to mom was immediately followed by Brady’s visit. It’s incredibly fortunate that a camera crew was there to capture the moment. And the rest of the episode showed brief glimpses of the budding Brady/Britt romance. It’s odd that by failing to become the Bachelorette, Britt has a much better chance of a normal relationship. Sadly, it’s with a former baseball player turned singer. Which coincidentally significantly lowers your chance for a normal relationship.

Anyways, back to Kaitlyn’s search for true love.

Bachelorette Boxing

• Fashion Designer Daniel
• Justin
• Chris Quinn Jared
• One of the Two Coreys
• Tanner Dog
• King Kupah
• Role Models Ben
• Trainer Ben

Laila Ali impresses the guys and gives them some tips. Here’s the training highlights:

• Trainer Ben is a monster and I fear for anyone stepping into the ring with him.
• Role Models Ben breaks a window jumping rope and shows he has no chance.
• King Kupah spends more time with a rugged trainer than Kaitlyn.
• Kaitlyn’s offered up a QOTN nominee: “I forgot he was even on this date”
• Tanner Dog, while concerned about his face, is also worried his first ever fight is happening on national television. 
• Do you think fights happen less often today? 
• I know they happened more frequently in the 60s and I have evidence.

 Final Thoughts

• After scrappy Chris Quinn Jared tells Trainer Ben not to take it easy on him, Trainer Ben obliges. It was ugly and CQJ went to the hospital.
• CQJ still managed some one on one time and a kiss. Side note – You should not feel special if this Bachelorette kisses you.
• CQJ reads the cue cards: “My head may hurt, but my heart never felt better.” Gag.
• Trainer Ben deservedly gets the rose.

This took far too long to create.

Underwater Thor

Thor gets the year’s first one-on-one and here’s what we need to know about the date:

• He’s an architectural engineer from Chicago.
• He gave the Chris Harrison Triceratops
• After meeting the photographer, he gets a little handsy. I asked Mrs. Dugan if I saw what I thought I saw.

I did. I did.

• Kaitlyn is a nose holder when jumping into the water.
• Rose Secured

Stand-Up Bachelor Men

• Federal Prisoner JJ
• Detroit Jonathan
• Welder Josh
• Dr. Harris DDS
• Hit n Run Ian
• American Pharaoh
• The Dude

There isn’t much to say about the performances other than comedienne Amy Schumer taking apart JJ.

JJ and The Dude

There’s a story developing throughout the episode pitting the Federal Prisoner JJ against The Dude. We have the over-confident villain and the healing preacher. JJ gives updates why he is better than all the guys. The Dude gives a soliloquy on love. He also calls Kaitlyn “Britt” so this love doctor better learn the girl’s name or he isn’t going to last long. JJ and The Dude reminds me of BJ and the Bear. I don’t know why, but I do know that Photoshop would only ruin this masterpiece.

Date highlights

• The Dude’s stand-up performance was bizarre.
• Federal Prisoner JJ’s review: “I couldn’t even hear him because my own brain is shutting down.”
• Welder drops a QOTN nominee: “I’m a love virgin.” Damn, these guys practiced their lines tonight. He’s obviously HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
• The Dude refuses to be lapped in the cheesy line off: “I’m not here for her. I’m here for us.”
• There are so many quotes coming out of The Dude that I simply can’t/refuse to list them. He’s approaching Hippie Guard and Protect Your Heart territory.
• Confident Federal Prisoner JJ turns into Prescient JJ and gets the rose.

Rose Ceremony Party

Federal Prisoner JJ, Trainer Ben and Thor are safe and the guys agree to give those without a date some time with the Bachelorette. Fed Prisoner JJ grabs her first instead cementing the villain role.

King Kupah is concerned things aren’t moving fast enough and doesn’t want to be a token cast member here for his race. When confronting Kaitlyn, she gently reminds him that he was the only guy that didn’t come up to her during training for the boxing group date. Knocked on his heels, King Kupah never recovers and a meltdown ensues. Before becoming fully engulfed, he delivers my QOTN: “I don’t want to go home. I think you’re hot.”

The King Kupah tire fire continues next week.

Castle Castle Winery

As we sit down for another week of the bachelor, Mrs. Dugan wanted to recapitulate her picks from opening night: Chris Landscaper to win and Roberto as the next Bachelor. She’s down to 2 of the final 5 so she gets some credit for her Miss Cleoness. Lady Dugan also shared some new Bachelor/ette news. As most of our faithful anticipate the Bachelor Pad show in August, we don’t have to wait that long to get some extra Bachelor/ette fix. In an incredible announcement, the Bachelor Video game drops July 13th. I can only assume it will create the same media firestorm as the Iphone 4.

Let’s get to the rather tame episode, friends.

5 Men Left: Chris L. Roberto, Frank, Kirk, Ty

Roberto’s Castle Date

I assume ABC has blown the show’s budget as they hand Ali and Roberto a digital camera and tell them to have fun on their date. Pictures, dancing in the street, and a picnic at a castle follow. We do learn that Roberto is a Latino Gringo with his lack of knowledge of even the names of the meals his mother cooks him. That’s 4 star gringo action for you. And Dugan understands as a Latino Gringo himself. Ali is still buying what Roberto’s selling and no one would be surprised by a rose at the end of the episode.

Frank & Ty’s Castle Date

We give (sidetrack- what does WWT give out? Thumbs up has been done. Red Light/Green Light has been done. Stars are played out.) whatever the hell WWT gives out for a helicopter. I’ll say WWT gives 3 smiling Chris Harrison’s for the helicopter on the two-on-one in Lisbon.

Ali has a lot on her mind and two-on-ones this late in a season are very awkward which makes for good viewing. Ali eventually breaks it up and Ty defends his antediluvian views and hypes a potential visit to his parents and their traditional but friendly values.

Frank and Ali are significantly more affectionate during their alone time and Frank gets past the uncomfortable fact that he lives with his parents. Ali is pretty drunk at this point and doesn't care what Frank has to say. To test her, Frank unleashes the quote of the night: “let’s live in a tree like a couple of monkeys.” This sounds like a viable plan for someone living with their parents. Yes, I know this know dooms me to live with my parents in the near future.

Kirk’s Castle Date

Holy shit, Portugal is filled with Castles.



Kirk is confused by “Once Upon a Time“ on the date card. Landscaper has to explain the fairy tale reference as dumbfounded Kirk complains, “that’s not even a sentence.” Horse Drawn carriage, castle and dinner follow. Ali seems distance for the second date in a row and the Dugans openly contemplate a Brad Womack ending?

Chris L. in Very Easy Rider

The Landscaper is dangerously close to the friend zone and Ali is demanding some movement on their relationship. Chris L wrestles the quote of the night away from Frank as they head out on a scooter:

“you better hold on…because I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing”

The scooter analogy for their relationship is hilarious and I wish I know Ali wasn’t fed the line from a producer. Ali takes over the wheel and they get to their date at a winery. Dugan’s cell phone blows up asking if the Bachelor/ette is sponsored by the Food & Wine Industry. There are copious amounts of alcohol consumed on this show. Perhaps ABC is one and the same as ABC Liquor. Ali asks if the landscaper’s crew are big wine drinkers? Yes, and that’s enough for me to believe a hometown is secured.

Rose Ceremony

No tie plus jeans as Chris L. continues the shout-outs to Casual Michael Phelps. Poor Roberto still cannot find the top button on his shirts. And the reduced budget has eliminated the swinging parties on the nights of elimination.

And the roses go to:

1. Chris L.
2. Frank
3. Roberto
4. Kirk

Ty goes home. (yes, we checked the tapes. 6/28’s previous episode spliced footage of Ty from one of the early episodes to make it seem like he gets further. Don’t underestimate the sneakiness)

Chris Harrison: Special Bachelor Update

For the faithful readers of the blog, you may recall that Dugan went great lengths to originally peg Jake during Jillian’s season as a Patrick Batemanesque character. There was just something that wasn’t right about this guy. Then he returns as the Bachelor and picks fundamentally flawed Vienna. Who would have guessed those two cute kids wouldn’t make it?

Oh, everyone? Really? Damn. Well, who would have guessed that Vienna would come out looking like a rose in comparison to Jake. Well, considering that I originally compared Jake to one of the most psychopathic characters ever created, I’ll raise my hand.

Vienna’s accusations have their own technical flaws: Claiming emotional abuse as well as no emotion from Jake. But let’s not go there. Let’s just show a clip from the movie role that Jake missed out on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lzz4QtbTu6M

ABC has to regret this Jake decision. Or not.

I’ll leave you with this: Jake and Vienna’s arguments about GPS directions, measuring furniture and canine potty training are the lowest point in the history of broadcast television.

Congratulations on seeing the low point.

The Bachelorette goes High Definition

(I apologize for the length of the post - but the first episode always provides a ton of material)


It feels so good to start a new season – like a hug from an old friend.  And what is more comfortable than ridiculous, opening montages…Ali drives around in an Audi with conspicuously covered Audi insignias.  Apparently, this girl only drives American cars…except of course when she is in an import.  We get a jogging scene where I longingly looked for shots of fellow blog contributors in the background.  No such luck MikeKarWags.  Mrs. Dugan equally enjoyed the montage noticing two beach scenes: 1) required bikini shot and 2) dancing in the waves in the evening dress.  Dancing in the ocean in an evening dress – totally natural.  Oh, and she’s just a regular girl who likes to juggle soccer balls in the park.  ABC, we get it.  You don’t have to sell us on Ali’s everygirl with a great body quality.  We are sold.  We don’t need the Jake Pavelka motorcycle hard sell.

There are so many things I love about the show, but absurd quotes are always a way to keep me coming back for more.  As the getting to know Ali montage ended, she read to us what the producers wrote on a note card: “You have to go through the fire to live happily ever after.”  We need an insider.  Who writes these platitudes for the show?  I want to send them a dozen roses out of appreciation.

Another theme throughout the night was her heartbreak over losing Jake. This has to stop.  No one believes it. Anyone can explain why no one believes this. Just stop. Ali has a concern that plagues all our Bachelor/Bachelorettes: men might not be here for the right reason.  But she has a plan - to ask the guys to be open and honest.  Foolproof!

Random observation. Chris Harrison lost weight. Mrs. Dugan wondered if he got a divorce after Roz’s attempted outing.

Let’s get to the most important part of the opening night – we'll meet the men in roughly the order they were presented to us.

Frank is from wherever his parents live, wears the men’s version of Palin glasses, left a murders and executions firm in Chicago, is an aspiring screenwriter who lives with his parents but told Ali he moved to Paris to write.  Frank complains that girls are hard to find but that should be understood if you live with your parents.  He jumps out of the top of the limo but does not pull it off Pretty Woman Style. 

Jay is from Barrington, Rhode Island is 29 and a personal injury attorney.  He set up a great mock courtroom scene and looks like an ugly Andrew McCarthy.  I also think he is one of the oldest looking 29 year olds on the planet. 

Craig M. from Canada, likes the single life and Bradley Cooper in the Hangover.  He’s in dental sales and fights with local weathermen.

Kyle is 26 from Colorado and a Mountain man.  Mrs. D and I like that his job had the following description: “outdoorsman.”  He explains all the animals he likes to kill as they show him ice fishing and he complains that he cannot find a woman.  TRUE STORY!  This guy was fishing on a sheet of ice with worms for bait complaining that he cannot find a woman.  Are we sure this is not a scripted comedy?  Insiders needed once again.  How did this self-described Mountain Man find his way on to reality television? 

Justin, aka “Rated R” starts with an even faker (is that a word?) than normal, fake wrestling scene.  Don’t tell wrestlers it’s fake, though.  It’s “entertainment” wrestling.  Just like secretaries are “administrative assistants.”  The heel has a great hook – a broken ankle and crutches are sure to secure a rose on the first night.  On a side note, he expected a little more backup from fellow Canadian Brad Cooper but was let down.

Phillip is a Chicago investment manager that decided to slow things down and concentrate on family.  I want to give Phillip some advice in his quest to find women.  Go by Phil.  You just lost 10 pts of your douche scale.  Congrats.  

Jonathon is a Weatherman from Houston.  He thinks he is funny and also wasn’t sure if his jacket would fit around Ali’s shoulders.  Here’s a tip for Jonathon.  Don’t tell women you think they are bigger than you on the first date.

Ty is in medical sales, lives in Franklin, TN and does not play the guitar as well as his neighbor Jack White.  He’s the recently divorced guy on the show.  How recent?  2 months.  Divorces can take a long time.  When did he apply for the show? Did he apply for the Bachelorette as a married man?  I hope so.  God, I hope so.

Chris is a landscaper (Bachelor first!), taught school in NYC public school (and survived!) and returned home to Cape Cod, MA to take care of his sick mother who recently passed away.  You hear that within 45 seconds of meeting Chris and only one thing pops into your head.

Chris and his sad story and black labs are moving on to the second show and was, incidentally, Mrs. Dugan’s initial pick to win Ali’s heart.  A bonus, he thinks Ali is “wicked awesome.”

Now we end the long intros and you have to worry about the guys that we meet next. 

Except for Roberto who is an Insurance Agent from Charleston, SC. Roberto and Ali have instant chemistry.  This one is going to be something to watch as the producers obviously wanted to make Roberto out as the favorite on night one. 

Tyler V is from Chelsea,Vermont, does online advertising and Dugan’s initial thoughts are that he has no chance to advance.

Derrick 27 is a construction engineer from San Diego.  The cameras show him looking in the mirror and say “you’re amazing” but I have a feeling he spelled it in his head “your.”  Derrick lets the audience in on his little secret why he’s called Shooter because of his E.D. problem in college.  Good to see E.D. back on the Bachelorette.

Steve is a Sales Rep from Cleveland.  I think its Liz Lemon’s bf who moved back to Cleveland – Floyd.  Ali is already pretty hot.  Remember when Liz Lemon went to Cleveland and they thought she was a model?  Ali has to weigh things like this.  I think Floyd sticks around because Ali could automatically become one of the hottest women in a fairly large US city.  But she would have to live in Cleveland.  Does the City start a campaign for Floyd ala Lebron?  Let’s wait and see.

 John C, is 32 and in hotel business development and from Washington.  Mrs. D worries that he may be shorter than Ali but I have a feeling he smells like money.  That usually helps.

Kirk is Sales Consultant from Green Bay, WI.  He gave Ali a paper rose and then admitted to all the men that he made Ali a scrapbook. Kirk is one of the bravest men in the United States. 

Intros are over and the men are coming out of limos.  Ali exclaims, “I hope they like me.”  Mrs. D throws up in her mouth.

We meet Chris H, a real estate developer from Vancouver, Canada for the first time.  Jesse, a general contractor from Peculiar, Missouri promises to be a “peculiar man” and that this is his first suit.  He’s 24. That could be bad sign. Chris N. is from Orlando and is an entrepreneur (ie, no job). Mrs. Dugan thought it said “entertainer” and we both hoped he would be an entertainer from Orlando which leaves three options: 1) Theme Park Character, 2) Piano Bar player or 3) Orlando Magic cheerleader. Dugan’s thoughts – No chance this guy gets a rose.

Kasey is an advertising account executive from California. He promises to protect her heart in a cheesy speech.  He talks very odd.  You know that friend that we all have, who is a close friend, that you cannot hear at all on the phone?  And it frustrates you, has for years, but it’s been too long for you to say anything now.  Welcome Kasey.

Roberto speaks in Spanish and Ali thinks he’s Sexy.  Jon, in software sales, has not a chance in hell. Craig R. is a lawyer and looks like Droopy Dog (credit mikeysmalz)and I am not concerned where he’s from because he is already trying to warn Ali about guys not being there for the right reasons.  It’s way too early for that and this Droopy Dog has to go.  The yellow, baby shoe key chain he gave her sealed his fate in my eyes. 

Tyler M is a catering manager from Texas and thinks Ali wore cowboy boots on her first date – oops.  Hunter is from San Antonio, an Internet Account Executive, and Dugan bets that Hunter agrees with the new Arizona Immigration law.  Hunter was none too pleased when Roberto got the first impression rose after his “hot sauce” dance.

Derek is a sales manager from Michigan and threw leaves in her hair.  And these guys wonder why they are still single?  I like Derek because he represents the second cast member of 30 Rock on tonight’s show: Kenneth.

 Jason is a construction consultant from Denver, does a backflip out of the limo, thinks Racist Hunter is a nerd and doesn’t like Rated R.

After Roberto took the early lead with the first impression rose, the men voted Justin as being the guy there for the wrong reasons.  Rated R must have toned it down to PG-13 with some one-on-one time with Ali because she saved him.  2 roses given out, 15 more roses and 8 disappointed dudes.

And the first rose ceremony stream of consciousness game goes like this:

3. Jesse - Peculiar Man with his first suit.

4. Ty – TN Divorcee.

5. Droopy Dog- Lawyer with stupid key chain.

6. Tyler B - who?

7. Frank - Palin glasses advanced - wealth of material for the blog.

8. Steve – Floyd from Cleveland.

9. Chris L - old landscaper.

10. Kirk - scrap booking fool.

11. John C. - he looks rich enough to keep around

12. Chris N. - holy shit, surprise of the night - Orlando entrepreneur - entertainer

13. Chris H. - who? Real estate developer Canada

14. Racist Hunter

Pan camera for puppy dog shot of outdoorsman. Nice.

15. Craig M - guys got good hair - what can you say?

16. Jonathon - weather douche.

ENTER CHRIS HARRISON, “Ali, gentlemen, this is the final rose tonight”

17. Casey - friend who you can’t understand on phone

And the cut list looks like this:

Shooter - regrets that entirely

Lawyer – Luckily the Tank is about to wrap pre-production on Weekend at Bernie’s 3, so there could be a part for Andrew McCarthy

Outdoorsman - I would hate to be a wild animal in Colorado when he gets back.

Backflipper – sip, sippin on some haterade

Tyler V - online advertising guy

Phillip – Go by “Phil” next time

John N. - please look at head shot from Bios and tell me this guy is on right show.

Derek - Kenneth

Lil' Dugan decided to stop being quiet so we did not get to watch the upcoming scenes for the season.  They looked great.  Can't wait to hear everyone's thoughts on the first night.

Get Excited.

The Bachelorette returns on May 24th and WWT will be bringing you the best recap out there every Tuesday.

The Bachelor Episode 7: It's Still Hard to Believe Jake is the Bachelor

Welcome to the Jake fantasy date show (yuck). This week's show started with a look back at how love blossomed with the three finalists. A recap, if you will. Liz and I were graciously hosted by our friends in Sausalito, Erin and Eric. Erin astutely noticed that Vienna was wearing a locket on the first episode. The locket was open. It obviously had a picture of...wait for it...JAKE. Psycho much? If the rumors are true that Vienna wins this whole thing, this could be one of the largest lapses in judgment since Brad the Twin chose no one. On to the summary (and direct plagiarism of Dugan's format from last week's summary):

Date #1 - Gia and the Whitest Dude in America

Jake and Gia ventured to a slightly more "urban" part of St. Lucia. After Jake bought a really cool choker pukka shell necklace (and by cool, I mean cool for a sophomore at an all-guys high school...I didn't have one of those...yes I did). Then Jake started dancing with Gia next to a street musician. This was alarming. Jake is not going to be on Dancing with the Stars anytime soon. His performance makes me really happy that I named all of my fantasy baseball teams the Dancing Pavelkas (yeah, you read that right..."all of my fantasy baseball teams"...I only have three). Gia suffered from the Bachelor/ette curse of not "letting him know" how much she cares until it was too late. Gia also suffered in the media this week. Her romances with professional baseball players and hockey players along with her Heidi Montag-esque love of plastic surgery did her no favors in the court of public opinion.


Date #2 - Tenley and the Black Sand Beach


Tenley, the crowd-favorite at this point, had her date start out with another helicopter ride up on the helicopter blades of love. Tenley once again worries about being cheated on. Let me be the first to assure you Tenley, Jake is not going to cheat on you. He's perfect...remember? Jake and Tenley proceeded to a black sand beach (Tenley's first time!). They sat on the beach and had the most meaningless conversation about love. I had to ask multiple times, "What the hell are they talking about?" This platitude-filled conversation only confirmed that Tenley and Jake are perfect for each other. Tenley danced with Jake again with some flamenco music in the background. Flamenco music and the Bachelor go together like Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire. Tenley then nervously accepts the fantasy suite invite because she's a born-again virgin or something like that. She delivered my favorite line of the night when she said, "I absolutely (pause) cannot wait (pause) to (pause) watch our first sunrise together." I wasn't sure where she was headed with that one, but in hindsight, I wouldn't have expected anything else from the Little Mermaid.


Date #3 - Vienna and the Pirate Patch


In an effort at cross-promotion, Vienna and Jake went on the Pirates of the Caribbean ship. Proving that he had a dysfunctional childhood, Jake put on a pirate eye patch and then closed the uncovered eye. Vienna told him that he had to open the other eye, silly! Jake is so strange. I can't wait for my prediction that Jake has no guy friends to come true. On this date, Jake wanted to make sure "it's not just sexual" with Vienna. Do you think they've even had sex? I highly doubt it. Jake should really want to make sure that Vienna isn't going to divorce him and take half his money. At the end of their date, Jake informs Vienna that she should be aware that he has "fallen for two other women." I appreciate Jake's honesty throughout this process, but sometimes you should just shut the hell up. I can't believe that Vienna is going to win the whole thing.


Wrap Up - This is Getting to Be Too Easy


Before the rose ceremony, Ali called to see if Jake would let her come back. This is getting to be very embarrassing for Ali. One of her equally fake blond Marina-girlfriends needs to remind her that it's freaking JAKE that she's broken up about. Jake rejects her in scripted fashion by saying "you drove away with a piece of my heart." What a goober this guy is.


I once again predicted the exact order of the rose distribution. Gia got the boot and had to go out to the reject-bench (it looks like the same bench every season - Eric figured that it must get passed around like the Stanley Cup). Jake gives Gia one last neck/shoulder kiss and it was back to the group hugs inside. Until next week, when Dugan takes over the summary.